| Death in the Family!
Posted: 6/14/2008 9:46:47 PM | You've had a death in the Family: What are some of the many ways that you yourself have done to deal with the emotions of lose?...............................................................
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| Death in the Family!
Posted: 6/14/2008 9:56:55 PM | I am not very good with death and those types of losses to be honest. My Nana passed away 6 years ago now...it took me a few years before I could even talk with my Grandpa...the pain of losing her (we were very close) was so difficult that being close to him made it harder. I know, it may not make much sense to many but that's what happened to me. My Nana's passing was the first one in my adulthood and I had not developed any coping skills in this area, or at the very least prior experience.
Its been a few years now and I still get weepy when I think of her but at least I have been able to have more communication with my Grandpa a bit more often.
Grieving is good, talking about and sharing memories are good and least but not last, the passing of time always helps....
CC | |
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| Death in the Family!
Posted: 6/14/2008 9:59:50 PM | Hay Spud;
Been there done that. Lost my Mom five years ago, And my Dad twenty years ago.
The only thing I can say about it is to surround yourself with friends and family. The people that you can talk to.
Grieving is a natural process. Don't deny it. But do remember them always.
I know that it does gets easer over the years. But I still miss them.
Take care bud.
BCG | |
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| Death in the Family!
Posted: 6/14/2008 10:25:33 PM | How have I dealt with loss?... I find I have to cry....bawl and let it all out....let the sorrow flow and not be apolgetic about it to anyone.
I need to be alone... I need to rest my head down and cry.
When I feel totally lost and alone in the world... I try to scream and shout at God as to why this has happened. Still not gotten an answer.
I retreat.
I can't do this in the future now that I have young children and their grief and sadness, I have to put on a brave face.
be well friend..be well. | |
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| Death in the Family!
Posted: 6/14/2008 10:31:50 PM | Spud, my friend.
As you know I lost my mom just a few months ago. The best advice I can give you is to shed tears when you feel the need (do not try and be brave, as it is one of the hardest things you will have to go through). Express your feelings to friends and family.
The thing that helped me the most was to talk to her, I have a beautiful picture of mom, taken at Christmas time. I hold her picture in my lap and talk to her. I tell her all about my day, my life or what ever I feel the need to talk to her about.
Recently I have been telling her how well my neice is doing, she is 1/2 way through her pregnancy - a pregancy that the Dr. said would never happen.
Draw strength from ones who love you - family, friends and POF buddies. Just know that eventually the pain will ease, but it will take time.
Treasure your memories and know that there are people who are grieving with you.
Be grateful that you were fortunate to spend time with your dad in his final days, I am sure you got a chance to say your "good-byes". Some people do not get a chance to say their last "I love you".
Also, try not to be alone too much, if you can help it. Being with friends and loved ones helps.
My heart is with you, my good friend.... One day at a time.
Un~leashed. | |
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| Death in the Family!
Posted: 6/14/2008 11:00:41 PM | This is a good thread Spud, when my father (RIP) first passed away 16years ago I pretended that he went on a long trip. I had an awkward relationship with my father, he was old fashioned. I did know he did cared about me though. I think it was about a couple of weeks after my father's death, I was at home one day by myself thinking about him. It was very quiet I was starring at his picture for the longest time, then all of sudden I felt a cold breeze on my neck and I could of sworn my father was looking at me and his smile shifted. My father's spirit was telling me to be strong. I guess what I am trying to say is that, when a parent goes they do give us strength to go on. I have my father's honesty. As the saying goes "Time Heals All Wounds".
My prayers are with you Spud.
Punem264 | |
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| Death in the Family!
Posted: 6/15/2008 4:25:41 AM | | Spud,I know how you feel.I lost my son on June 5th and if it wasnt for my family and friends I dont know how i would have made it this far.All I can say Is,allow yourself to grieve.It is a process and there is no right or wrong way.Stay in TODAY. Take it one day at a time,sometimes one minute at a time.My prayers are with you. | |
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| Death in the Family!
Posted: 6/15/2008 7:49:22 AM | Depends who died, I might grieve or I might celebrate. 
If its someone I cared about I would probably just talk to other family members. | |
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| Death in the Family!
Posted: 6/15/2008 8:56:34 AM | As we all get older.......we usually ''cope'' better........
Never get over.........just cope better, having lost 6 family members in the last 5-6 yrs, I'm actually surprised how well I've handled it....
Maybe it's just the realization, that's life, not sure.
I do know that time does help.......alot, good luck to those in the process. | |
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| Death in the Family!
Posted: 6/15/2008 9:14:32 AM | | Hang in there Spud ,healing takes time.Every one has their own ways of healing , when my sister died a few months ago,I got really busy ,and did a whole bunch of work on my house .It doesn't completely take you're mind off of it ,but it helps . | |
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| Death in the Family!
Posted: 6/15/2008 9:43:41 AM | Hey Spud,
Allow yourself to cry, allow yourself to be comforted by friends and family, allow yourself to be upset and then allow yourself to remember the good times, the love, the nice things. Focus on being in the present and live each day a moment at a time. Always remember that you have lots of family and friends that care very much about you and will be there for you.
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| Death in the Family!
Posted: 6/15/2008 12:02:26 PM | HI Spud...
today being fathers day I think of my late Dad
I am trying to remember how I coped , I dont think I did very well at first
and part of the grieving became my separation and divorce also within the same year
I just lost a friend also this month,,,[the first long term, close friend]
crying , letting it out and talking to them also helps for sure - you are getting lots of good advice here , I hope this thread helps you and anyone else that needs the words herein
I think that "acceptance" is when we finally are able to move on...
until we "accept" their death we stay in the grieving mode...jmo
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| Death in the Family!
Posted: 6/15/2008 3:19:00 PM | heya Spuds sorry to hear about ur loss of your dear dad...
Yes, it's really hard and you MUST allow yourself to grieve by taking the time out for yourself but not to isolate and ask for help if you need it.
Think of all the great times you had with your dad. Think of the wonderful memories, lessons learnt and how would he deal with though situations. It's really surprising when others make comments on how much we resemble our parents in their mannerisms and values. After all they are our first role models.
You need also to give yourself time and yes it's extremely difficult.
Death, is a part of the life cycle and yes it sux so bad and hurts so much but just think, he 's in a better place now and is at peace.
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on a different note... sorry to hear about your mom unleashed. I had no idea she had passed away as well...
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I still hate death with a passion as it robs us of the people we love. It would be so grand if we could immortalize the pple who have made a profound impact on our lives and shape us for who we are today! | |
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| Death in the Family!
Posted: 6/15/2008 6:43:57 PM | | I miss my Dad...he passed away in December last year after being ill for a long time with COPD from smoking way too much. His was a peaceful death though with all of his children and his wife around him and not feeling any pain and not being conscious but it seemed like he could still hear us. I got to spend the last night that he was alive with him in the hospital while Mom had a rest and I am so grateful to have had that time to tell him all kinds of stuff. I think also that having that time to stand around as a family and to all say goodbye was the best way to begin our healing journey. I called his three sisters shortly before he died and one of my aunts shared some really nice memories of him when they were all kids in the Okanagan riding horses. I went to him and told him that she wished him well too and I think he heard because he moved his leg. One of the things that my aunt also said was that when a baby is born, the baby cries and everyone smiles but when an old person dies, everyone cries but the old person smiles. I very much had a sense that this was the way it was for my Dad. Although I miss him, I find peace knowing that he is not longer struggling to breath. | |
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| Death in the Family!
Posted: 6/15/2008 7:02:52 PM | Spend time with your family sharing stories of growing up with your dad & allow yourself to laugh about the silly moments. Grieve until you can breathe normally again & until you're able to focus on other things for brief periods of time. Then get yourself out & back to socializing as soon as you're able, otherwise some people run the risk of isolating themselves & falling into depression. Don't worry about possibly getting emotional & tearing up in front of friends, 'cause most of us have been there & it's all cool. Talk to your dad as if he's still around you. I lost my dad 21 yrs ago & my mom 5 yrs ago & whenever there's something I wish I could share with them, I talk to them out loud, mostly in the car because I adopted my mom's vehicle after she passed & always feel like she's with me when I'm driving.
That whole 'men shouldn't cry in front of others' thing is lame & outdated. Cry whenever & wherever you need to. When men wear their emotions on their sleeve, it gives us nurturing types the opportunity to comfort them by holding them tightly with their heads pressed against our chests.   Bonus for the guys of course! | |
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| Death in the Family!
Posted: 6/15/2008 8:59:59 PM |
You've had a death in the Family: What are some of the many ways that you yourself have done to deal with the emotions of lose?...............................................................
when i lost my dad 5 years ago, i went straight to my room & listened to my favourite albums all day long; back to back/over & over again.
i also spent a lot of time by myself & thought things over/figured out what the deuce just happened.
i also didn't want to be over-whelmed being around other people/other people's sad energy & getting my emotions/feelings all confused & having the healing process be influenced by others.
it was VERY important to me for me to spend some time by myself & figure things out my own way & take my time doing so. (this is my method for other life trials & tribulations as well. i enjoy thinking things through by myself.)
in the end, i literally recovered a million times better than my other family members, who decided to not take some time to be by themselves. i'm not sure if that's a coincidence or not, though. but i know that none of them gave themselves time & opportunies to reflect and heal. also, they ignored it/didn't face the truth/didn't accept it. ehh...i still have hope that one day it will happen. it's not fun to be around people who refuse to talk about it. =/
hmm...i was only a tender 16 @ the time. but i'm so proud of myself for handling the situation the way i did. & like i mentioned above, to this day, the majority of my family members still won't talk about it. at all. =S & i'm very comfortable talking about it. & it stopped being weird a long time ago, as i recovered quite well. | |
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| Death in the Family!
Posted: 6/15/2008 10:43:37 PM | | ^^^Temptation 50: Best not to criticize what you don't know. My quip was in reference to a recent pic taken of Spud & I where his head was resting against my chest. That's all I had to say but apparently messages this short may not be posted. | |
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| Death in the Family!
Posted: 6/16/2008 6:33:22 AM | to the two^^^^^^^op's
Every time I try to tighten the noose of resentment around someone's neck....I am really only choking myself................ | |
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| Death in the Family!
Posted: 6/16/2008 6:42:10 AM | My heart goes out to you Spud
Much good advice has already been given.....All your words, sharing your own losses, your support and encouragement ...what a great group of people we have on POF...
One day at a time Spud.....one day at a time. Cry, grieve, do what you want and get what you need in the moment. Hugs, reflection, talk, time alone, time with others....
My thoughts and prayers are with you.
~Missy~ | |
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| Death in the Family!
Posted: 6/16/2008 10:41:53 AM | There is no right or wrong way to grieve and no 2 people in a family will deal or handle it the same way. Its okay to feel sad, angry, to cry, to feel loss of someone that meant alot to you and to cry is healthy release for men & women.
When my older brother died 8 yrs ago, It took time to deal with my emotions, and it didn't affect me in the beginning, but 3 month laters my emotions surface. I had alot of anger in how my brother personality changed and knowing I had anger, I went to a grievance councillor.
What help for me, was prayer, it brought me comfort at a very rough time, and talking to my grievance councillor was healthy way to heal. I focus on my younger years, when his lifestyle didn't effect our relationship, and I can still miss him. It took time, and each person will go through the process of grieving slower or faster than another family member. Journal a letter to your family member, go to a place that you shared, read it out loud, is another way to heal.
These are suggestions when you're ready and learning how to deal with death is a process. Does it get easier, I feel you have to give it time, the loss becomes less heightened as the years pass on.
Take care of yourself. | |
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| Death in the Family!
Posted: 6/16/2008 11:23:44 AM | Grieving is definately a process .
Lost my father 10 years ago and although not close to him, I still feel an emptiness that doesn't go away totally. Time is a gift though. My heart has slowly healed and the good memories live on in my memory.
Blessings to you Spud!
It will get better...hang in there. | |
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| Death in the Family!
Posted: 6/16/2008 8:21:21 PM | Good luck with this my friend. Life does go on and things eventually get better. If the loss is sudden, it's normal to sort of be in shock for a while and to find it hard to believe. Then usually this gives way to some anger and resentment -- maybe alternating with some profound sadness and questioning of your own basic beliefs about the way the world is ordered. Ultimately most people win through to a place where hope for a better future takes over from the negative emotions. Obviously this is a process and to pass through it all will take some time. Be generous to yourself and give yourself the time you need. Don't rush the process.
The advice you were given by other friends above is very good. It helps to stay in touch with friends and family and to not isolate yourself socially. Talking with family who have a shared sense of loss helps too -- and sharing the loss can actually result in bringing surviving family members closer to one another. | |
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| Death in the Family!
Posted: 6/16/2008 9:26:43 PM | spud, I know tomorrow is the funeral of your dad..Try to treasure every word and every moment and feel the love around you. If you can, try and hug the coffin and say some special words before they take him away ( even quietly to yourself). Try and treasure every moment of the day, spud. This will be very hard for you, hon, but do what ever is in your heart. Thinking about you, my dear friend, and I wish I could attend your dad's celebration of life, but my real life will not allow. As I said before, .......talk to him, even if it brings tears to your eyes. Special hugs for you, my friend. You know how to reach me and Stormy. Thinking of you with a heavy heart. I know what you are going through.
Special hugs for my spudster
Tomorrow will be ok.. you have so many people who love you.
Cheers
Un~leashed. | |
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| Death in the Family!
Posted: 6/16/2008 9:47:00 PM | | Hey Spud, my thoughts are with you tomorrow and I will have a big hug waiting for you when you are ready. | |
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| Death in the Family!
Posted: 6/16/2008 10:49:38 PM | Hey Spudster ... one thing I did after my dad passed away was to write a letter to him saying all the things I wished I could say to him or wished I had said to him. I tucked it into the inside pocket of his jacket when I went over to his casket to kiss his forehead before they closed the lid. That helped me a great deal, so if there's anything you wish you could say to him right now, that's one way of doing it. My prayers will be with you & your family tomorrow.
BIG hugs
T.
XOXOX | |
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