| Kids getting into your bed
Posted: 6/15/2008 5:02:13 AM | Just a quickie question. A neighbour of mine has been with her boyfriend for 3 months. She has a 5 year old son from a previous relationship. At about 2am he decides to get into bed with his mum and new boyfriend. Mum tells new boyfriend to put boxers on but he refuses, instead he gets up and goes home. He also tries to argue with the child at meal times due to his behaviour. The mum states that the child usually gets on with it when she ignores him so for boyfriend to start getting angry it makes the situation much worse.
What would u do in this situation? | |
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| Kids getting into your bed
Posted: 6/15/2008 5:05:15 AM |
What would u do in this situation?
Get rid of the second child she has allowed into her house !!
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| Kids getting into your bed
Posted: 6/15/2008 5:10:26 AM | | I so agree with Mac about getting rid of him.. what right has a guy thats been around for all of 3 months got? Thats awful.. your friend should seriously chuck him, if she doesnt she got issues big time | |
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| Kids getting into your bed
Posted: 6/15/2008 5:11:44 AM | /\/\/\/\/\ what he said!!!
wouldn't keep a man like that around me. Child first always. | |
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| Kids getting into your bed
Posted: 6/15/2008 5:15:20 AM | | If I 'd been a woman, in that situation, the refusal to put the boxers on would have been a swift one way ticket out of there for him, and niggling at the child over the meal table should set alarm bells ringing, believe me, I've seen how that can go, and its only goona get worse, with the child harbouring resentment towards you for bringing this immature asswipe into his life, its always difficult introducing a new partner into your kids lives, but one who does'nt seem to be much wiser than your five year old is gonna do niether of you any good. | |
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| Kids getting into your bed
Posted: 6/15/2008 5:17:39 AM | If you know me at all you know i would so chuck his backside out the door with or without his clothes! Hes a policeman and has started to become controlling. He wants her to leave the child with grand parents for the weekend so they can go out. She has no backbone whatsoever and drives me nuts when she comes round here to moan about it. My dad keeps telling me to tell her straight that im not interested but i feel bad even though its her own fault. I have this tendency to try and help people going through a bad time but need to learn to back off at times.
Thanks for all your posts. | |
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| Kids getting into your bed
Posted: 6/15/2008 5:17:42 AM | Quite apart from the fact that he wouldn't be sleeping over in the first place, as soon as I saw him turn mealtimes into a war zone, etc. he would be out on his ear.
As a grandma, it does the children no harm to stay at a grandparents house occasionally and we enjoy it too. It also gives you time in a new relationship to get to know one another, preferably without the children getting hurt.
I'm sure if that were the only issue, it would have been tried by now. So I'll stick to my thoughts, that this man should go, before the child ends up getting hurt. | |
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| Kids getting into your bed
Posted: 6/15/2008 6:11:43 AM | | Child comes first, so dump the guy. If he's like this after 3months, my god, what a sad life she and her child would have if he stayed around any longer. | |
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| Kids getting into your bed
Posted: 6/15/2008 6:22:28 AM | Surreygal, you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped, if your friend asks your advice but isn't prepared to act on it, then you have to stop her in her tracks the minute she opens her mouth to moan  Sorry you're gonna have to be cruel to be kind...
<div class="quote">Hes a policeman then he should know better......he's after one thing and one thing only and it aint a relationship !!!!
<div class="quote">and has started to become controlling Wake up and smell the roses for God's sake !! Surely the alarm bells are ringing or is it only me that can hear them ?
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| Kids getting into your bed
Posted: 6/15/2008 6:51:57 AM | i am sorry but i do feel in some ways you have got things mixed up a little IMHO, firstly its ok for him to have her child in the middle of them two at night and in allowing that in the first place in some showing that she have a certain trust and acceptance of him in the family, but even so 3 months into a relationship might be too early for me and i would also go home.
so its ok for the child to get in the middle in a bed but not for the partner to maybe not argue but tell or show proper manners which it sounds like the boy lacks
the mother is pandering to the child and it will cause more problems
next time he wake i would suggest taking him back to his bedroom and she comfort him until he is a sleep again | |
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| Kids getting into your bed
Posted: 6/15/2008 7:05:17 AM | ^^^I agree with you to a certain degree. If i had a male friend over i would not want my son in bed with us. I would direct him back to his bed. I think the real issue here is the fact that the guy is not willing to accept there is a child involved. I think she is totally too soft on him and should start sorting herself out or may run into problems later.
I agree that kids should spend time with their grandparents but i would not personally leave my son at my parents all weekend. If the guy is a permanent fixture then yes. I guess its all about balance.
Its difficult to take on someone elses kids theres no doubt about that. There are ways of making this easy maybe by negotiating rules before the child and boyfriend meet.
As i said im too soft myself with friends but with my son he knows where the line is. He has to go out in the world and i wont be around forever holding his hand. | |
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| Kids getting into your bed
Posted: 6/15/2008 7:13:14 AM | i still think she is sending out mixed signals to him he might be trying to do what he thinks is right when having a go at him at the table, afterall it seems to him that its ok to have him in bed with him just as parents might, yet he is not allowed any input otherwise or gets told off
it is a difficult time for the child and although i know that it is easier or should be for the adult to adapt clear guidelines are needed | |
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| Kids getting into your bed
Posted: 6/15/2008 7:23:00 AM | | Personally I wouldn't have the guy and my kids in the house at the same time, not after 3 months anyway, however I realise that is a personal preference on my part, so I didn't want to make a judgement on that. However, if a child gets into to bed in the middle of the night it was not an unreasonable request to ask the guy to put on some underwear, it was common sense. When I was married if this happened my husband would have immediately put on his underwear and he was their father. Also given the work he does and the types of situations he see's everyday I'd have thought he'd have been over cautious in a situation like this. | |
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| Kids getting into your bed
Posted: 6/15/2008 7:31:17 AM | My exs daughter was about 6 when I first moved in and in the middle of the night she would often sneak into the bottom of the bed as she always had done with her mother ............my first reaction was to slip my boxers on the moment I sensed her in the bed it just seemed like the decent thing to do !!
Her 2 daughters did find my hairy ass hysterical though so they must have caught me at some point !!
Imo When you take on a woman with kids mutual respect must be shown on all sides and that includes covering up and being adult enough to be mindful around the kids feelings , dont forget at that age all they are probably seeing is someone new getting attention from their mother and will naturally try to compete for that attention maybe in the form of creating havoc at the dinner table ............after all any attention is still attention good or bad !!
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| Kids getting into your bed
Posted: 6/15/2008 8:31:30 AM |
Mum tells new boyfriend to put boxers on but he refuses, instead he gets up and goes home. He also tries to argue with the child at meal times due to his behaviour.
New boyfriend is jealous of child!.New boyfriend needs to be told to either accept child or bugger off!.
A 5yr olds behaviour will change when confronted with a new and possibly overwhelming situation .The child will sense the friction and express his emotions accordingly whereas the grown man should be able to understand and acknowledge this and certainly show some tolerance to the situation instead of reverting to childlike actions himself. | |
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l3sl3y
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Joined: 5/12/2008
Msg: 17 | |
| Kids getting into your bed
Posted: 6/15/2008 8:42:48 AM | can't see any issue with her having the guy say over - what is she supposed to do - be a nun until the kid leaves home?
Agree I wouldn't have let the child in the bed but would have gone to his for cuddles until he was settled again.
As for the guy picking up on manners at the table - I have to have some sympathy there - I was in a relationship with a guy who's kids were absolute monsters. They were allowed to run riot and watching them eat was revolting - they were like animals - and yes - I said something! | |
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| Kids getting into your bed
Posted: 6/15/2008 8:50:57 AM | Kath and Macforty are always right on with their comments. I laughed my head off about the hairy bum bit!
Personally i wouldnt allow a man to meet my child until he was a long term fixture. He can come over between 9pm and 6am then hes on his bike lol.
What i didnt mention was the fact that he would argue with the mum about the child because of his table manners. If my child was not doing something right just pull me aside and tell me. There are ways of doing things and i dont think hes behaving in a child friendly way.
They had an argument once when he came over and he said he would do the jobs around the house but not talk to her. He basicly blanked her. Now if i had an argument with a partner either we deal with it or go home. Dont hang around or you might get another mouthful or i might choose to go out and leave u there sulking. | |
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| Kids getting into your bed
Posted: 6/15/2008 9:06:07 AM |
can't see any issue with her having the guy say over - what is she supposed to do - be a nun until the kid leaves home?
after 3 months??? hell yeah, sorry, everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but no way, i have been single for 3 years now, have almost no support network and i get out about once every 2 months, the kids dad is in the navy and disappears off to sea.
If i was to bring home each of the men i have been seeing for that period of time the kids would of been introduced to 4 different men. and, im still single. Better to be put out yourself then to cause damage to a child's emotional balance should the 'boyfriend' walk after 3 months's 2 weeks.
Agree I wouldn't have let the child in the bed but would have gone to his for cuddles until he was settled again.
erm, no, if the normal routine every night was that then fair enough, but if its normal that the child comes into bed with mum and stays there, why should he be moved out because b/f is there?
As for the guy picking up on manners at the table - I have to have some sympathy there - I was in a relationship with a guy who's kids were absolute monsters. They were allowed to run riot and watching them eat was revolting - they were like animals - and yes - I said something!
And after 3 months of being a girlfriend what gave you the right to comment?
If my ex's g/f ever once made comment about some of my children's manners she would know about it. She doesn't like it, she can walk.
whether you like it or not, for a time span of a childhood, that's what 12 years or so now? children DO and should ALWAYS come first. | |
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l3sl3y
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Joined: 5/12/2008
Msg: 20 | |
| Kids getting into your bed
Posted: 6/15/2008 9:31:52 AM |
and after 3 months of being a girlfriend what gave you the right to comment?
I had the right to comment because they were living in my house! I was paying for the food most of the time and my kids were present and beginning to wonder why his could be have like animals when they couldn't! I was also with him 2 yrs not 3 months :)
I have never understood this attitude about no one being allowed to tell kids off for bad behaviour other than the parents - this probably explains a lot about society - even teachers can't say a word these days without "mummy" or "daddy" turning up and making a complaint
If kids behave badly - they need telling. | |
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| Kids getting into your bed
Posted: 6/15/2008 9:55:31 AM | The not putting some boxers bit on alone would be enough to raise some eyebrows. And then going home as well. Seems more childish than the 5 year old.
As for arguing with the boy over the dinner table. Maybe he came from a family where that sort of behaviour was never acceptable. Maybe he felt he was just sticking up for his girlfriend. Maybe he thought that the boy needed a little bit of discipline and to show some respect.
Whatever the maybes are though he should have spoken to his girlfriend first and discussed with her the boundaries. I've not been in that situation before with a girlfriend who has children from a previous relationship. I know I would feel awkward though and need to discuss what was what. The first thing would be "Do you want me to back you up, or would you rather I just keep my mouth shut?" | |
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| Kids getting into your bed
Posted: 6/15/2008 10:02:04 AM |
I had the right to comment because they were living in my house! I was paying for the food most of the time and my kids were present and beginning to wonder why his could be have like animals when they couldn't! I was also with him 2 yrs not 3 months :)
The op was referring to 3 months. I would question your judgement had it been 3 months had the post was leading.
I have never understood this attitude about no one being allowed to tell kids off for bad behaviour other than the parents - this probably explains a lot about society - even teachers can't say a word these days without "mummy" or "daddy" turning up and making a complaint
If kids behave badly - they need telling.
I disagree.
One persons view on bad behaviour pre children changes immensely once they have children. People also have different views on what constitutes bad behaviour. I also don't think the children need telling, i believe the parents need telling. Its to easy to have a pop at a child, when the parent is the one with the child and they are the ones to continue to care for the child, then they are the ones that need the error of their ways pointing out. I fail to imagine too many adults going up to a parent and trying to enforce their views upon them.
My children help themselves to food in the house. In dads g/f house, this is wrong, and everything should be asked for, a child eats a sandwich and she has the right to tell her off for it, no, i don't think so.
As far as i am concerned, if my children are chastised by anyone i had known for such a short length of time, i want answers. Thats not to say if my son went and threw a stone at someone and they shouted at him i would kick off on the adult, thats saying if someone chastised mine for a meaningless thing such as eating habits and not sleeping in their own bed they would soon be on their way with such speed the door wouldn't touch their ass on the way out.
However, again, hypothetical, as i never have, nor would i allow my children to see my in bed with someone whom i had only known 3 months. | |
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| Kids getting into your bed
Posted: 6/15/2008 10:08:32 AM | Same sort of situation as Mr Macfourty ... If there was any possibility of the kids getting into bed ( normally was first thing in the morning ) the boxers were kept close at hand so that a quick slip on was required . Most of the time though by the Time both of them had piled in it was time for me to be ousted out anyway lol ( there were four in the bed and the little one said Roll over lol) .
As for the discipline issues was agreed that i may Tell them off if was required and was a valid situation but i was not allowed to punish them .and as TG above if the situation was already being dealt with was unless asked keep out of it .
IMO the guy in question had a few issues himself and the family is better off without ... | |
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| Kids getting into your bed
Posted: 6/15/2008 11:16:13 AM | A neighbour of mine has been with her boyfriend for 3 months. She has a 5 year old son from a previous relationship. At about 2am he decides to get into bed with his mum and new boyfriend. Mum tells new boyfriend to put boxers on but he refuses, instead he gets up and goes home.
What would u do in this situation?
Not let a mollycoddled brat interfere in my love life, that's for sure.
Does the child not have his own bed?
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| Kids getting into your bed
Posted: 6/15/2008 11:22:40 AM | My lads were aged 17 plus when I became single three years ago but I still have only had 2 relationships where men have stayed over.Always been mindful that this is their home.
The fact that he stropped off home would be a clear indication he should closed the door on his way out and keep walking. | |
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