| becoming a father in middle age
Posted: 6/15/2008 9:49:15 AM | I often date men 45+. Most who have kids have older kids, at least in their teens. But when I meet a guy who is 45+ & he has a 2 yr. old, I run like HELL. 
I already raised 2 kids from my marriage.
A friend of mine has a coworker who is 60 w/ a 3 YEAR OLD! She said when she heard that, she LOST ALL RESPECT FOR HIM!!
HAPPY FATHERS DAY TO ALL THE DADS!!
But, seriously, what do you think of an older man w/ lil kids???? | |
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| becoming a father in middle age
Posted: 6/15/2008 10:13:59 AM | Well, personally I had little kids for 29 years...
and although I absolutely love spending time with kids nowdays, I really don't know if I'd want to "full time it" again.
I raised my own 3 and also went into foster care for special-needs children.
I loved doing what I did.
Yep, 24/7 .. I had little children for all of those 29 years.
Now? As I said, I don't really know if I'd want to do it again.
BUT... that isn't saying I wouldn't. Just that I don't know.
I'd have to be in the situation to make that decision, first. | |
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| becoming a father in middle age
Posted: 6/15/2008 10:23:24 AM | “becoming a father in middle age”
I sorta kinda did that. The “she” in question had two little girls. One had just turned five and the other one was seven. I was 39.
It is not for everyone. In my case I had no children. It would be a totally different thing for someone 40+ that already had kids that were already grown.
I would think raising kids once would be enough.
My end results are .....
The girls are now 28 and almost 30 - both educated - both married and ........
They are fixing “daddy” dinner today ................. YAY
--------------
"she LOST ALL RESPECT FOR HIM!"
I don't even know her and I just lost respect for her.
Why in the world would someone lose respect for a person - just because they had a child and were older than - what others consider too old.
It would not be for me (fathering a child now) but ...... who am I to say about others. | |
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| becoming a father in middle age
Posted: 6/15/2008 10:29:36 AM |
But, seriously, what do you think of an older man w/ lil kids????
I don't condemn them - like the coworker who lost all respect for a 60 year old with a young child.
I have encouraged middle-aged men friends of mine not to give up a dream of having children, if they can find a suitable relationship to raise them in. A guy friend of mine from college was single until about age 49, and had a child at age 50, and I was happy for him.
I have also encouraged a middle-aged single woman (about 45) not to try, because I felt it would be one more toy for that particular woman. I told her it would change her life in ways she couldn't imagine and be a bigger burden than she was expecting. (She didn't have a kid, but I have no idea how influential my input was.)
Now just because I don't condemn middle-aged fathers of munchkins, does not mean I want to be involved with them. At 53 I already am substantially disabled, but even if I wasn't, I don't think I want to do that stuff again (except as a grandparent, but then you can always send them back).
I sure hope men who father children in middle age have substantially younger partners, both for the energy level that is needed to chase rugrats around, and so there is some continuity as the rugrats grow up, if the father should die.
You hear of some women using advanced fertility medicine to have a baby at 60, and my reaction to that is, "Is she nuts?" | |
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| becoming a father in middle age
Posted: 6/15/2008 11:11:46 AM | Middle aged men just out of a relationship that producted young children wanting to dating. Hum..........I would bet most of these men aren't looking for women with small children?
I just love the way that some men my age with young children get hostile because I won't date them. Surely, these men can figure that if women 45+ wanted children they would already have them. | |
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| becoming a father in middle age
Posted: 6/15/2008 11:28:49 AM | I've never had any great desire to father children -- part of the genetic code that I just wasn't born with, I suppose. So at 57, I have no children and still no wish to do so. I've tried living with women with young (less than 10-year-old) children and it just didn't work -- and it was because of me (and I know it), because I wasn't comfortable with it. And I'm still not comfortable with it -- and I expect I never will be.
I realize that this is just my own slightly-not-normal view of things and I don't judge or criticize anyone who thinks differently -- for there are many. But for me and my world -- no kids. It just doesn't work and never will. And I'm at peace with it.
cdn guy | |
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| becoming a father in middle age
Posted: 6/15/2008 11:32:31 AM |
But, seriously, what do you think of an older man w/ lil kids????
That's really not even an option for me. I worked hard raising my son and he's now 24 and very successful. My job is done and I'd like to now enjoy my 'me' time.
So no, I won't get involved with a man my age that has 3 or 5 or 8 year old kids. Not going to happen. | |
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| becoming a father in middle age
Posted: 6/15/2008 11:49:40 AM | I admit it, I am too selfish. These men are involved with the ex wife so much
when they have younger chldren.Every man i have ever met who has younger children was still in love with the ex wife, she treated them like crap in the marriage and tried the guilt ploy with the young kid and it always worked, the guys were financially strapped just trying to give in to her crazy whims, and way too much that I did not want to deal with. give me a man without kids or who has grown, independent, self sufficent, emotionally healthy children. these men do not seem to exist. | |
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| becoming a father in middle age
Posted: 6/15/2008 11:50:22 AM | You know *bianca doll* I have run across this. I don't mind that a man has children, even children who are in school, but the thought to date a man in this age bracket, who have infants and toddlers or very young children just sends me running like hell and never turning back! I won't even consider it, no-way on earth.
I raised mine. I don't want to help him change diapers and all that again, not even on a part time basis. I shudder at the thought.
As for men having very young children over 45, eh, each to their own. It's only a problem for them if they are seeking a new relationship. I keep looking for a thread to pop up here wherein a single, 45+ male will be ranting about this. Haven't seen it yet though. | |
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| becoming a father in middle age
Posted: 6/15/2008 11:59:02 AM | Well let's see. My first wife was very clear she did not want children, no way no how. So I let that go for then. Turned out she did not want me either, so I let her go as well. At that point I figured that part of life had passed me by, but I met a widow with a son age 4 and fell in love with them both. She made clear she wanted to have more children and had in mind a sister for her son. I hesitated a bit, but went ahead with it anyway and never looked back. So now I am divorced and living with my 20-year-old son. The 18-year-old lives with his mother but I am actively involved in his life.
They are not exactly little, but they are still an important part of my life. I am not looking for someone to raise them, they already have a mother. Any lady I meet who has a problem with this can just move right along, thank you very much. If it was 15 years ago and I had a 3 and 5 year old, both with ADD, then it would be more like the situation OP described. I would be meeting ladies in their late 40's and I would well understand some hesitation to be a step parent to two troublesome boys who already have a mom.
In the recent past I met a very nice lady near my age, a widow with a sixteen-year-old adopted son. I decided there was room in my heart for one more trip through high school, but it did not come to pass. However I cannot blame anyone who would decline. | |
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| becoming a father in middle age
Posted: 6/15/2008 12:17:31 PM | I have a friend 58, just fathered his first child with a 40 yr old woman. My point of dating younger women made..he'll be 76 when the child graduates high school..
Another friend was 52 when his last chld was born. I though having one at 40 was a little old. My daughter is 15 and you know what? I'd rather have her in my life that any woman that would even say something like the OP did.
You certainly are entitled to your opinion and preference. Kids are with us for life, they may move out but they never leave us..I saw my dad every day I was married until his death.
I would date a woman with a young child, problem is not many 50+ women have one..
Dusty | |
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| becoming a father in middle age
Posted: 6/15/2008 12:29:20 PM | To have a child...it is a blessing.
To raise a child...with love is responsibility.It is better you have your children...if you are older.
Whatever...you can have a child early...and do not raise them...
I lost my father ...I was very young...and all my adult life I miss him.
Happy Father's Day!Love your children! | |
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| becoming a father in middle age
Posted: 6/15/2008 12:33:46 PM | A good friend of mine is 66 and has a three year old with his new wife of 39. It works for them but I have raised my children and look to a life of freedom, finally!
As for me, I will not date a woman over 45 whose children are not at least 16 years old and have no substance abuse or emotional problems. Preferably they should be college age or beyond. I will not get involved with a woman having a young child unless she is no older then the mid thirties.
Oddly enough, I have run into several women of 50 or so who have recently adopted babies and who are looking for men to date for the purpose of marriage. Good luck on that! | |
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| becoming a father in middle age
Posted: 6/15/2008 12:35:53 PM |
But, seriously, what do you think of an older man w/ lil kids????
It's fine for them, but not for me. | |
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| becoming a father in middle age
Posted: 6/15/2008 12:38:32 PM | Some people make the choice to have children early into their adulthood, while others prefer to wait for reasons of their own, & yet others want no children at all... it is one's own personal choice & right for that individual. If you truly care for children (& chose to have young ones of your own), I fail to see how having (a) child(ren) can be a reason to "run like hell". But again that's the individual's decision & I know not your reasons.
I have become involved with a man with a younger child (6), my own son is 28 & none of this really matters in the big picture of loving all three of them... seeing my guy interact with his son simply melts my heart all the more. My heart has the capacity to love the child of another woman & IMO, children should not be used as bargaining chips in any form but treated as the blessings that they are.
It might be best if we women, as we move into & beyond menopause, do not forget that men still have the capacity to father children even though we may no longer share in that capacity. Wouldn't it be a shame to miss out on a spectacular man just because he has a child younger than what we deem is appropriate to our lifestyles? And then we wonder where all the "nice" guys have gotten to?
But again, it a choice that only the individual can make as its that individual who must live the life chosen.
cata | |
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| becoming a father in middle age
Posted: 6/15/2008 1:31:38 PM | I had my last child after I was 40 so I'm still raising teenagers at 53 years old! I don't want to bear anymore kids myself so I'd like the guy to be "no worse" than a dad of teens at this point. But, it wouldn't be a deal breaker if he had younger ones; it just might take me a little time to get used to the idea.
Not everybody has their kids young. Hey, my mom was a Gramma at 35 and she's just (at the age of 72) helped Granddaughter #1 after the birth of her 5th great-grand kid! I probably won't be a Gramma until I'm closer to 65! | |
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| becoming a father in middle age
Posted: 6/15/2008 5:29:42 PM | Depends where you are in life. I'm 50 and have a 7 & 9 yr old. I'm busy, but it's a breeze, and I'm not alone. I also have two older boys. (23-25) who take them for weekends camping and stuff.
As for all the women crying "I don't want to raise any more kids", GOOD! We don't want you to raise them. That's our job. I know it's hard when you want to pipe up and correct a man decisions with his kids (humph), but keep a lid on it. You want in? Be a friend to them, not a parent. | |
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| becoming a father in middle age
Posted: 6/15/2008 7:25:14 PM | My 64 year old "date from hell" had an 11 year old.......which by the way I did not find out about till we were dating.......I knew about the 36 and 32 year old.....yikes........
By the way...the child was a dealbreaker for me at my age............grands are older.....that was not however the reason he was the "date from hell'. | |
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| becoming a father in middle age
Posted: 6/15/2008 7:42:32 PM | ^^^^ (laffin) -- I dated a woman quite a while back who had a 7-year-old who bounced her hi-heels off the back of her head when she tried to get him to turn down the TV so we could talk in the kitchen for a bit after one of our dates. I started dating her serious -- I was rather 'taken' with her (possibly, should have been 'taken'?) -- and the joys of this little boy continued. As the 'outsider' in the 3-person relationship, life for me was little 'suggestions' to mom that maybe she might like to say something to the boy, which she wouldn't do -- "I can't do that", she'd say.
We dated for a while ... then we didn't. End of story. I seriously doubt that I'll get myself into that situation again.
cdn guy | |
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| becoming a father in middle age
Posted: 6/15/2008 8:22:33 PM | | I don't know that I would totally rule out a man with young children---under 10---but I would take it into serious consideration when/if the relationship became serious. My youngest is still at home (she's 15 and will be a sophomore in hs) and I don't know if I can deal with turbulent teens and terrible twos at the same time----I don't think I have that kind of patience anymore (or ever did for that matter). I also think it would depend upon the relationship that the man has with his children and with his ex. I do know that I will not be producing any more children--I made that decision years ago. | |
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| becoming a father in middle age
Posted: 6/15/2008 9:07:50 PM | | I had a child when I was 45. Whatever works for each person is fine with me. I know some guys run when they hear I have kids still at home but some guys think it's great. Not good or bad or worthy or unworthy of respect. Just an individual choice. | |
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| becoming a father in middle age
Posted: 6/15/2008 9:30:46 PM | A friend of mine has a coworker who is 60 w/ a 3 YEAR OLD! She said when she heard that, she LOST ALL RESPECT FOR HIM!
Your friend seems to set the standard from which others should live. In short, I'm sure your friend has a skeleton, or two, in their closet. I wonder how your friend would feel if it was a family member or close relative who became a mother/father at that age. My guess would be that your friend should be excluded from family reunions since it's all about accepting each other as they are... not as you want them to be.
On topic:
I certainly would not judge a person with young children. I couldn't say for sure that I would ignore her either if she was a mother of young kids. Intuitively, I wouldn't think I am not interested in such a situation. But, if there is an emotional and a loving and passionate bond I may think differently..... there are worse things a person could offer (domestic violence, substance abuse, lifestyle challenges, etc). | |
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| becoming a father in middle age
Posted: 6/15/2008 9:48:21 PM | I wanted children when I was young and could keep up, and play with them. It's my personal belief that it is the child that suffers when the parents are too old biologically.
I believe there is a reason our reproductive organs stop reproducing well after a certain age. Again it is just my belief and no one has to agree. My own Dad started his family at 43, when he returned from the war - now that really was a reason not to reproduce earlier. | |
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| becoming a father in middle age
Posted: 6/16/2008 1:32:01 AM | | i adopted three teens at age 50! i say, good for any man who is the primary parent for his children and taking good care of them. i like kids, so not sure i would want to be the primary caretaker "again", having survived my three, but still i like doing things with kids. so i see no reason to run, unless you think you will become the maid! | |
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