| Ughhh....I really want to know why
Posted: 6/15/2008 7:53:49 PM | I need some guys to answer this...and I know that there are lots of you out there that AREN'T like this!! So you don't need to post here that "I'm not like that!"...cuz I already know it, and I'm sad that I'm not meeting those of you who aren't like this.
Guys: Why are there some of your peers who don't feel the need to "give" sexually to their partner? To take the time and effort to give the woman sexual pleasure? In other words, to help them come!!!
I know I posted something similar about this before, but I really want to know why some guys are like this? Don't they feel guilty at all about putting a couple minutes of effort into giving to their partner then giving up and just getting "theirs"? Or simply putting no effort at all and go away thinking that it really is OK to do that?
I'm seeing someone like this and it's wearing me down. I've talked to him more than once and we just keep not getting anywhere. He's kind of blaming it on me and saying - seriously - that he's never had to help even ONE of his exes come except by just having intercourse. That makes me feel like crap, and I know it can't be true for all of them.
I'm thinking this "relationship" might have to end. My friend is in a similar one to this. I just don't get it. | |
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| Ughhh....I really want to know why
Posted: 6/15/2008 8:09:27 PM | ^^^HA thorvin, not funny (but funny at the same time.) 
~OP~ I have no clue why this is. I guess I've been fortunate. However, I was just talking with a close friend who ventured into a couple of situations with younger men, and this was exactly her complaint. Sexual frustration for the duration of the situation. Pft on that. I'm sticking with those who know what they are doing and why. I think it was Alec Baldwin who said: It's like Chinese food, it's not over til you both get your cookies.  | |
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| Ughhh....I really want to know why
Posted: 6/15/2008 8:18:38 PM | Hi
Sex and intercourse are about giving and receiving. It sounds like he is either uninformed or selfish. Why would you want to be with someone who cares so little about your wants or needs? Is he this way about other things too?
The more I know about my partner the better I can pleasure her and the more likely she will want to work to pleasure me... Definitely a two way street. | |
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| Ughhh....I really want to know why
Posted: 6/15/2008 8:24:06 PM | Why are there some of your peers who don't feel the need to "give" sexually to their partner?
This just in from the "Department of Redundancy Department": Possibly for the same reason we men have to put up with the "Dead Fish" in bed who just lay there. | |
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| Ughhh....I really want to know why
Posted: 6/15/2008 8:24:50 PM | Yes, why would I want to be with someone like that? Very good question.
There's so many things I love about him, we have electricity otherwise, etc.
And of course it wasn't like this in the very beginning...or it was so subtle; and we humans always hope things will "get better", especially if we like someone.
And of course, people like him won't just help us all out and not waste our time by being so self-aware and considerate as to say to us from the get-go "Hey, I don't plan on giving to you very much while we see each other...especially sexually....and I plan to insinuate that you're to blame. Is that cool?"
I sure wish they would. Would save my time and my heart so I wouldn't waste time getting attached to someone like this.
So yes, I'm wondering the same thing, of why I'm with him. It's only been a few weeks. Now my heart is aching because I know it's not going to work out, and I'm attached to him, and I'm going to miss him otherwise.
I can't keep going on like this because I'm beginning to feel very unloveable and unworthy and I know I don't deserve that. | |
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| Ughhh....I really want to know why
Posted: 6/15/2008 8:26:34 PM | If you've tried communicating and he's just not gettin' it..... er.... I mean you're not gettin' it..... he is being totally selfish and either has to step up and be more involved in your pleasure or be prepared to be thrown back into the pond.
It is up to you to decide what you are willing to put up with. If I were in your shoes and had tried communicating my needs to him only to have him blame me for it.... I'd be sayin' don't let the door hit your ass on the way out bud!!
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| Ughhh....I really want to know why
Posted: 6/15/2008 10:20:47 PM | I can think of a couple of possible answers.
First, he may have some hangup about doing what you need done, especially after he has finished.
Second, he may not know what to do to satisfy you and may be too embarassed about his inexperience to ask.
Third, he may be too dumb to realize you will be gone soon if he doesn't change his ways.
Fourth, he may not care whether you are satisfied or not as long as he gets his.
Fifth, he may not believe you are going to do anything about it.
So here is a wacky suggestion.
Next time he makes advances, just tell him, "Now hold on there Newt. Last time you went first and this time its my turn." Then tell him exactly what he is going to do and don't let him do anything else until you are satisfied. If he won't do it and do it right, tell him you are going into the bathroom to use your vibrator and do just that. Then roll over and go to sleep. Keep doing this until either he moves out or you are satisfied.
You may think that this is a joke or that I am making light of your situation. It is not and I am not. | |
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| Ughhh....I really want to know why
Posted: 6/15/2008 10:42:38 PM | This baffles me too, OP, and I don’t fault you for asking, but consider this: what I know about men is what I’ve heard from women who’ve been their lovers in the past. Or perhaps read in women’s magazines, sex columns, etc.
I’ve never been privy to locker-room talk. And certainly never heard a guy crowing about how he can’t be bothered to get his old lady off! It would be unseemly. So I haven’t got any more clue than you about how these guys think.
However, your man did say “that he's never had to help even ONE of his exes come except by just having intercourse.” And if that’s the entire breadth of his experience, then that’s all he knows. And anything other than intercourse is just “help”, a duty, and of no erotic interest to him.
Which leads me to wonder if he’s discovered the joy of eros, of play and exploration and sensuality. Or if he’s mostly all business and thank-you ma’am, intercourse and orgasm, over and out. In which case – there’s yer trouble. But you pretty much knew that.
My other question would be about his capacity for empathy when you're not in the horizontal. Is he interested in you? Does he care about your feelings? If so, there's hope. If not, dog-gone-it, that's a long row to hoe. | |
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| Ughhh....I really want to know why
Posted: 6/15/2008 11:49:20 PM | I don't at all get this either.
If you rev a woman up like a chainsaw, she will "chop your tree down" with incredible enthusiasm. When I'm giving pleasure, I'm feeling pleasure... and the truth is, since I'm on the experienced side of 30, I'm probably only going to be singing Puff the Magic Dragon once during the sexual play, but women are blessed with the ability to cum as much as they want and a much shorter refractory period. So... if sex for 6 minutes is great, sex for 6 hours is fan-fvcking-tastic... and the fact that I'm not the one having all those orgasms doesn't change that; I'll get as many as I can handle. | |
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| Ughhh....I really want to know why
Posted: 6/16/2008 3:20:29 AM | | It's because most men believe in the ultimate power of the penis, and the women who can come by intercourse alone give credence to this idea. So, most men feel if you're getting it (his d!ck), that's enough, that if they can pound away long enough, you'll be happy. Despite all the surveys that tell us two thirds of women cannot climax by intercourse alone, virtually every guy thinks he's the exception to the rule, and of course his idea is confirmed by the media. Watch any movie, and every woman comes during intercourse, invariably in the missionary position too (which is supposed to be the most difficult one to hit the 'G' spot). Now, I know most women DO in fact enjoy penetration, but I'll rely on my tongue for the ultimate 'rush'. | |
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| Ughhh....I really want to know why
Posted: 6/16/2008 3:46:18 AM | I agree with WaywardSeeker's suggestion. Just put your foot down and tell him you're going to be first this time. Show him what you want him to do. And you can do all of that in a very sexy, arousing way. If done right, he will probably enjoy the heck out of it, and so much so that he will want to do it again the next time.
Most people (men and women) are trainable in bed. You just have to show him what *you* need for him to do. And if you do that in a sensuous, erotic way that shows him how much it turns you on, then he'll want to do it over and over every time. | |
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| Ughhh....I really want to know why
Posted: 6/16/2008 3:57:54 AM | | Oh, one more thing to add. Women just looooove confident men. That said, just because a man believes he's great in bed doesn't necessarily make it so. But if you feed the concept of confidence, instead of the 'nice guy' who's willing to learn as he goes, you deserve what you get. | |
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| Ughhh....I really want to know why
Posted: 6/16/2008 5:27:34 AM | You know... as long as it is neat and smells tastes good then I am there!!!
There is a macho aspect of it apparently (think I saw it on the Sopranos) but really if it looks inviting and like I want to spend some time down there ... then I will.
BTW before you ask I try to make sure I am neat and clean down there as well...
turnabout is fair play...
let him know it is important to you and if still nothing... keep on moving on | |
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| Ughhh....I really want to know why
Posted: 6/16/2008 6:07:02 AM | Guys: Why are there some of your peers who don't feel the need to "give" sexually to their partner? To take the time and effort to give the woman sexual pleasure? In other words, to help them come!!!
====================
Because far too many women are so fridgid that no amount of pleasure , from the most expert lover, will ever help them to come. | |
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| Ughhh....I really want to know why
Posted: 6/16/2008 7:17:29 AM | crayonzz, you're kidding, right? Has it really been your experience (as a most expert lover) that far too many women are NOT into sex? If that's the case, then it's no wonder that far too many men aren't putting the time and effort into satisfying them.
Regardless, what can be done about this? Is it appropriate for the woman to let the man know she's an exception and is by no means frigid and actually *wants* him sexually? Or is it more appropriate for the man to let her know that he expects her to be frigid and will therefore not be putting any time and effort into taking care of *her* sexual needs, even when the relationship moves to a sexual level? If all that many women are so frigid, then it seems like one of these two scenarios needs to take place for the handful of us who actually want a satisfying sexual relationship! | |
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| Ughhh....I really want to know why
Posted: 6/16/2008 7:26:09 AM | | Um speak up OP, ask or tell. Or take matters into your own hands. Why rely on him to get the deed done??? Don't you have fingers, toys.... he will get the message if during you reach over and use a toy instead of him. | |
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| Ughhh....I really want to know why
Posted: 6/16/2008 7:51:17 AM | A LOT of guys have low self esteem and cover it up with bravado and bad attitude, which sadly women are attracted to because it is very similar to confidence and it's very hard to tell the difference if you don't know what you're looking for.
He's probably very nervous that he can't actually perform, so he's covered it up with this ***hole routine and it's now just internalized. Meaning that he now thinks this is perfectly acceptable behavior because it's just what he's always done.
I would strongly suggest getting a new man in your life. If he's selfish and a jerk in the bedroom, he's probably that way in other areas of his life as well and that's never a good scene. If you've talked to him about it and he's blaming you, that's a sure sign of low self esteem. | |
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| Ughhh....I really want to know why
Posted: 6/16/2008 8:00:28 AM | Sounds like he feels that you're not putting any effort into him getting off in the first place.
Basically, and i agree with him if this is true, if you're not going to put any effort into getting either of you off, why would he put effort into getting both of you off?
Maybe taking a less self centered approach might help, ask him what you could do better in bed. | |
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| Ughhh....I really want to know why
Posted: 6/16/2008 9:29:34 AM | I have recently met the most incredible and sexy woman I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. She radiates sensuality and can go for hours and hours, and I am more than happy to explore the limits of her endurance.   
According to her, I am the only lover she has ever had that took the time to make sure she was taken care of. I have a hard time wrapping my head around that fact, but she isn't the first woman I have dated to tell me that.
My guess is a lot of guys learned everything they know about sex watching porn. Where the mere site of a penis is met with intense pleasure.  | |
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| Ughhh....I really want to know why
Posted: 6/16/2008 9:35:19 AM | "Why are there some of your peers who don't feel the need to "give" sexually to their partner? To take the time and effort to give the woman sexual pleasure? In other words, to help them come!!!"
Who know my ego suffers if I can't get her off makes me feel inadequate but then that might be do to my miraid of other issues...... | |
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| Ughhh....I really want to know why
Posted: 6/16/2008 9:43:18 AM | | Dump his sorry a$$... There are a LOT of guys like this. They think all they need to do is stick a stick there finger in, move it around a little and they're done with the foreplay... time for a couple thrusts, he cums and you lie there frustrated. Story of my life honey. That's why I'm under women seeking women. | |
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| Ughhh....I really want to know why
Posted: 6/16/2008 9:45:09 AM | What is going on in the bedroom is probably symptomatic of other relationship issues that have not surfaced yet. He sounds selfish and blames other individuals for his short-comings.
Iconoclast is right. You should remember that he is telling you he was great in bed but the women are not able to substantiate or deny his claims. Many women fake it so that their man doesn't feel badly about his inadequacies, or because they believe or are led to believe that problems in the bedroom are their fault, not a problem that is shared by both parties. I suspect that the line he takes with you is one that is old and tired.
Read the last actual paragraph. If you are feeling like crap, you are less able to question his being crap in bed, he puts in on you and avoids addressing the issue at all. Normally I advocate trying to talk without hurting someone's feelings but he is obviously not concerned about hurting yours so I would just tell him, you are crap in bed and if you don't intend to do anything to rectify that, I am gone. | |
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