| How to turn "Friends with Benefit" into a relationship.......
Posted: 6/17/2008 3:50:35 AM | I've been seeing a guy, who is a completely overly confident (cocky in other words) womanizer, for two months and a half now. First it started off as a friends with benefits and then my feelings intensified for him.
First month, we had sex but no hang outs. Then it gradually became a hang out, watch anime (we're dorks)... then sex. We went out on a triple date with coworkers (we work at the same place) and that night, whenever a coworker or their boyfriends would make comments about us dating....we didn't deny it. He would usually smile or nudge me and smirk.
Second month comes along and our text messaging increased. He sends me lyrics from songs we listened together or just sweet hellos and updates. That month, he mentioned that I was his best friend that is a girl and how he is comfortable at all times. We got blitzed at his house with coworkers that month and even took pictures together kissing, laughing, cuddling...
Let's not forget that he tried to pry information out of my best friend when they were both drunk....He basically wanted to know how IIIII felt. And then he stated that he liked me alot too but he didn't want ot HURT me. And that he wanted to take things 'slow' (whatever that means).
My bestfriend then got info out of my "FWB's" best friend if my FWB liked me alot. The bestfriend said to her, "Yeah. *nod* YEAH."
It's halfway through the third month and I know I'm falling harder. I'm overanalyzing things now. The lyrics he sent me today that consisted of,
"You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy when skies are grey. You never know dear, how much I love you. So please don't take my sunshine away."
I'm now stuck in a limbo. Limbo state.
I KNOW I need to have the talk soon but now that I have something to lose, I don't want to risk it all.
God.
Please give me some advice, suggestions...anything. | |
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| How to turn Friends with Benefit into a relationship.......
Posted: 6/17/2008 5:41:38 AM | He's a womanizer. you know this. You've given him what he wants, and you probably realize that too. now you want to change, and give him what he doesn't want.
If you want to drop the question, first ask yourself one: which is more important to you, having him, or having your answer?
Decide. then take your course of action, to get what you think is more important. | |
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| How to turn Friends with Benefit into a relationship.......
Posted: 6/17/2008 5:54:21 AM | | Actually, you started of more as f*ck buddies and have progressed to FWB. Now you have become better, closer friends as opposed to just co-workers. Just leave it alone and see where it goes. If you pressure him for a commitment, he is liable to bolt. Enjoy the time you spend together. Why do you need verbal confirmation of your status? Whether you remain FWB or bf/gf, it's the same relationship. Defining it isn't going to change anything. | |
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| How to turn Friends with Benefit into a relationship.......
Posted: 6/17/2008 7:35:18 AM | | do what it is that will you think will make him go away,but you yourself need to have happen.that will answer all your questions.the person that you will love forever will be the one that doesnt leave not mthe one you tried to appease. | |
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| How to turn Friends with Benefit into a relationship.......
Posted: 6/17/2008 8:33:39 AM | OP,
You can rarely, if ever, turn an FWB into a real relationship. It sounds to me like everything was done in reverse order---sex first, then hanging out, then a "date" or two?
It's not worth the trouble and heartache. That's always the problem with these kind of situations...someone always ends up getting more attached, and then ends up getting hurt.
But if you truly insist on it, tell him how you feel. SOBER. Try hanging out with him w/o having sex and see if he's up for it. If you feel he's detaching himself from you (avoiding phone calls, etc.) then you have your answer. | |
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| How to turn Friends with Benefit into a relationship.......
Posted: 6/17/2008 8:49:12 AM |
haveaperfect,
I'm curious as to what you have to lose. Anyway, my advice to you is be honest and let him know how you feel.
I have his friendship to lose. I have him to lose and I don't want to risk it.
I don't want to lose him at all/ | |
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| How to turn Friends with Benefit into a relationship.......
Posted: 6/17/2008 8:51:35 AM |
Actually, you started of more as f*ck buddies and have progressed to FWB. Now you have become better, closer friends as opposed to just co-workers. Just leave it alone and see where it goes. If you pressure him for a commitment, he is liable to bolt. Enjoy the time you spend together. Why do you need verbal confirmation of your status? Whether you remain FWB or bf/gf, it's the same relationship. Defining it isn't going to change anything.
Yes we have become close friends. He told me that I'm his first best friend who's a girl.
I want to enjoy the moments but it seems like these days, I've been thinking about it too much that when I'm with him, I zone out. | |
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| How to turn Friends with Benefit into a relationship.......
Posted: 6/17/2008 8:53:50 AM |
OP,
You can rarely, if ever, turn an FWB into a real relationship. It sounds to me like everything was done in reverse order---sex first, then hanging out, then a "date" or two?
It's not worth the trouble and heartache. That's always the problem with these kind of situations...someone always ends up getting more attached, and then ends up getting hurt.
But if you truly insist on it, tell him how you feel. SOBER. Try hanging out with him w/o having sex and see if he's up for it. If you feel he's detaching himself from you (avoiding phone calls, etc.) then you have your answer
Are you really telling me that I can't reverse what I've done.
So playing hard to get will only make him avoid me even more.... Telling him the truth might drive him away.....
This is so sad. | |
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| How to turn Friends with Benefit into a relationship.......
Posted: 6/17/2008 8:55:05 AM | I have thought about it....
and does anyone know/think
calling it quits might just help me.
Since we've been spending alot of time with each other, including constatn texting.... he'll easily want that back. The comfort of confiding in me with secrets and thoughts...
If he misses me enough, maybe he'll come back wanting more? | |
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| How to turn Friends with Benefit into a relationship.......
Posted: 6/17/2008 9:07:01 AM |
calling it quits might just help me.
Since we've been spending alot of time with each other, including constatn texting.... he'll easily want that back. The comfort of confiding in me with secrets and thoughts...
that's a game....you're doing something you really don't want to do to get his behavior in line....
Just let it be...like another poster stated, it's still the same relationship whether or not it's defined. It seems like you progressed to this level because it happened under the radar. If that's the case, shining a spotlight on "feelings" isn't going to go down too well...
You're afraid you might lose him if you have the talk. I think that's your instinct trying to tell you something. You would do best to listen to it.... | |
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| How to turn Friends with Benefit into a relationship.......
Posted: 6/17/2008 9:11:47 AM | Yep, if you put pressure on now he will bail. If you have any chance of getting this to last, do what he says and TAKE IT SLOW OR YOU WILL GET HURT. The guy told you this; believe it.
Get yourself busy in life and don't just think about this or it will be gone in a puff of smoke. | |
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| How to turn Friends with Benefit into a relationship.......
Posted: 6/17/2008 9:12:54 AM |
Just let it be...like another poster stated, it's still the same relationship whether or not it's defined. It seems like you progressed to this level because it happened under the radar. If that's the case, shining a spotlight on "feelings" isn't going to go down too well...
You're afraid you might lose him if you have the talk. I think that's your instinct trying to tell you something. You would do best to listen to it....
You might be just right.
It's going to be hard to just let it be.... because recently, I've been feeling like the love-struck idiot.
i) maybe he doesn't like me ENOUGH to want a commitment...
ii) he says sweet nothings just to string me along to get the goods for free | |
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| How to turn Friends with Benefit into a relationship.......
Posted: 6/17/2008 9:14:23 AM |
Yep, if you put pressure on now he will bail. If you have any chance of getting this to last, do what he says and TAKE IT SLOW OR YOU WILL GET HURT. The guy told you this; believe it.
Get yourself busy in life and don't just think about this or it will be gone in a puff of smoke
This just sounds perfect.
Yes, I want to just forget about my feelings for now. Forget about some of it and enjoy the ride.
But taking it slow....means.... it can lead to a potential relationship????
I jsut hate how it's up to him to determine what it is. | |
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| How to turn Friends with Benefit into a relationship.......
Posted: 6/17/2008 9:15:14 AM | Just relax. pretend your not in 5th grade, asking her to ask him what he thinks of you, passing notes in class, etc.
Enjoy what you have with him. Don't push your emotions all over him, but don't hide them either. Be natural and wha tyou feel will come out, when it's time. JUST LIKE HE IS DOING. He is being natural with you. Doesn't sound like he's playing games.
Does he really have to spell out "i-l-i-k-e-y-o-u"? Can't he just plain like you and show it?
Stop obsessing on what it all means. Sounds to me like you like each other. Awesome. You lucky duck. Don't screw it up by playing games and getting all insecure freaky on him.
Kaylie | |
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| How to turn Friends with Benefit into a relationship.......
Posted: 6/17/2008 9:15:24 AM | It seems to me you are letting your fears spoil a good thing.
Relax and enjoy his company.
Don't define it. Don't think you will own him and keep him by declaring yourself a couple. He wants to take it slow you said he said. So, relax and have fun.
Good luck ! | |
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| How to turn Friends with Benefit into a relationship.......
Posted: 6/17/2008 9:19:30 AM | KaylieCat and Son shine
Haha....
I must sound really insecure.
Yes. I am insecure about him since he's so freakin gorgeous, he's slept with A LOT of girls that I know ( we went to high school together ), he's charming and goofy, a dorky side him comes out now and then which makes my loins all tingly, and he's just a really likeable guy.
His looks attracted me in the first place but now I'm just falling for his personality.
I should just enjoy it.
I really should just relax , keep myself busy, and enjoy his company.
God! | |
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| How to turn Friends with Benefit into a relationship.......
Posted: 6/17/2008 9:27:41 AM | | It's one thing to adore someone but completely different to put them up on a pedestal and think them superior to yourself. The latter is a bad position for you to be in . Try thinking that you deserve him/he's lucky to have YOU ! | |
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| How to turn Friends with Benefit into a relationship.......
Posted: 6/17/2008 9:32:53 AM | it normally just happens naturally if it is going to. every friend with benefits I've had shot herself in the foot by hiding these feelings over time and then one day say, "this has to turn into a relationship or it's over!"
not the way to do it if you are the woman. I'm not sure if there is a way to bring it about other than you both really like each other deep down and one of you confesses your feelings one day and then you are together more or less. I guess if you want to seduce your friends with benefits into a real relationship my advice is to begin acting like a girlfriend, a really great one, who makes no attempt to control him, and show him what it would be like to really have you. Obviously don't set the bar too high so that once you have him he'll be disappointed with the real you, but you get the idea. if you do this and he's not open to a relationship or doesn't start caring about you it's time to move on. <- and you are definitely taking an emotional risk by doing this. you'll probably get hurt most of the time trying it.
I've never had a girl do this, they all use the pressure cooker style of romance. I know maybe they are getting attached but can't be sure. And they don't try to create any real intimacy beyond sex and then one day they blurt it out like I've been so evily using them when I was always clear this was just for fun. You feel ambushed. the other thing is that the FWB route to making a guy want you for a serious relationship is a really poor choice, as we often go down a bit on the totem pole relationship wise to get a friend with benefit. Or she's an ex..not many girls who are attractive enough and have healthy personalities will tolerate a guy they view as an equal, as less than their boyfriend but still given sexual privileges. | |
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