| Should I let go or pursue
Posted: 6/17/2008 3:24:42 PM | The woman that I loved more than I could ever explain walked out on me about six months ago. Never in my life have I cared and loved someone as much as I do her. Everything was great for the first year then she started accusing me of being unfaithful to her. Her jealousy increased with time and I did everything imaginable to convince her that I was totally committed and dedicated to her. Never at any time did I give her reason to be jealous. I even took a lie detector test to show her that I was not unfaithful (she said I found a way to beat the test).
Here is my dilemna. I believe that she has an emotional problem that creates the jealousy. As stated before, I love this woman completely and can't seem to let go. There isn't anything I wouldn't do for her but I can't seem to let go. Part of me wants to continue to pursue her and continue to let her know how much I love her but another part of me want s to attempt to severe my emotional attachment. If I love her so much shouldn't I do everything imaginable to be with her?
I have attempted to move on and posting a profile on this site was a major step. Although I don't think I could actually be with someone yet ( it has been six months since we were together) it at least gives me a sense of comfort to occasionally be able to email someone. The real dagger to the heart is that I noticed that she has appeared on this web site in just the last few days. Ouch. I cannot believe how painful that is.
Any advice or input would be highly appreciated. Please, no bashing, put-downs, or insults. I honestly don't know what to do. | |
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| Should I let go or pursue
Posted: 6/17/2008 3:41:23 PM |
Everything was great for the first year then she started accusing me of being unfaithful to her.
Well OP, either you gave her a reason for accusing you of being unfaithful, or she has some serious self esteem issues. Either way, at this point nothing can change the past. Love is a very powerful thing and sometimes hard to let go of. Just remember that you cant MAKE someone love you. You need to take some time for yourself, meet new friends, hangout with some other women, find a hobby, or something to occupy your mind whenever you can. When its all said and done, use it as a learning experience and find someone better for you. | |
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| Should I let go or pursue
Posted: 6/17/2008 5:01:03 PM | I'll assume you did nothing to validly create those feelings in her.
Human nature is that we see the world only through our own eyes and our own experiences. It's likely that either she has been cheated on many times in the past to the point that she can no longer trust men, or that she herself cheats and she can't imagine another person who doesn't also cheat.
In either case, there is nothing you can do for her. Even with professional psychological counselling, there is no guaranteed cure.
As hard as it may be, I would suggest moving on. There are so many women out there who don't come with such issues. | |
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| Should I let go or pursue
Posted: 6/17/2008 6:24:32 PM | | well you have to ask yourself can you be with someone who constantly accuses you of cheating? now you said you took a lie detecter test, she makes up oh you found a way to beat it. without trust there is nothing, now maybe if she seeks help, only then you may have a chance. but think about it. good luck! but i think you should just let her be, who knows if she can do this again, she may come back and walk out again leaving you hurt all over again! | |
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| Should I let go or pursue
Posted: 6/17/2008 6:40:35 PM | | I don't see what purpose pursuing her would serve. Even if she came back to you, she would imagine all the affairs you had while you were apart. If she sees you on a dating site, it's all over for sure! She needs to want to change, to be willing to trust you (even if it takes therapy), and want to be with you. Otherwise it's a moot point. It takes 2 people to have a relationship. | |
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| Should I let go or pursue
Posted: 6/17/2008 6:41:38 PM | Also assuming you did nothing to cause the jealousy and distrust - let her go. There is nothing you can do. And pursuing her now would be considered a severe form of stalking to many. Whether or not she has mental health issues is besides the point, you seem to have severe codependancy issues of your own that need to be addressed.
Drug addicts truly love their drugs, alcoholics love alcohol, codependants love their broken mates. It's dysfunctional and obsessive. If you have to take a lie detector test and you KNOW your innocent then that pretty much should tell you that there is no trust, without trust there is no relationship.
I am in no way bashing or critisizing you, I have been through my own dysfunctional chaos and worked hard to get through it. Dealing with all that helped me see my own chaos and allowed me to work on myself. Just my input. | |
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| Should I let go or pursue
Posted: 6/17/2008 7:19:46 PM | So you are Obsessive Compulsive and she suffers from Acute Paranoia. That will be $250 please.
Breakups a rough, it takes time to heal but try to move forward. | |
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| Should I let go or pursue
Posted: 6/18/2008 10:06:08 AM |
The real dagger to the heart is that I noticed that she has appeared on this web site in just the last few days. Ouch. I cannot believe how painful that is.
Maybe she felt the same way when she possibly saw your profile on here, so decided to make one of her own as well? | |
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| Should I let go or pursue
Posted: 6/18/2008 10:59:05 AM | | I'm kinda in the same boat, and pursuing is too tough, and much too hurtfull. it really sucks to get rejected by the person you love. so I say forget it, try your best not to think of her, cause sooner or later you'll start thinking of her with other guys, and then you end up being more hurt..... just forget it. there's Plenty Of Fish available | |
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| Should I let go or pursue
Posted: 6/18/2008 11:05:59 AM | I believe that she has an emotional problem that creates the jealousy. As stated before, I love this woman completely and can't seem to let go.
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Ok, maybe others wrote this already: If she is crazy or needs medical help, there isn't much you can do (well there is , BUT...). If she is not crazy nor has a medical condition....then this is HER vision, her state of mind. Only she can change that.. Either way..why would you want to be with someone who has this opinion of you and your relationship with her? THIS IS HER PROBLEM.
Of course, it never hurts to "woo her back". MAKE YOURSELF THE MAN OF HER DREAMS, and she might be the woman of yours. Then, really woo her after you have corrected your character faults and or lifestyle problems.
I just read your profile and you seem like a nice intelligent normal guy. Maybe you don't need to "fix anything" (hell, I sure do..). Why don't you write her a nice long love letter, swearing you never ever even thought of cheated or looked at porn...etc.
But, see part one..... | |
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| Should I let go or pursue
Posted: 6/18/2008 11:06:06 AM | | She is insne and will never trust you. these aren't the droids you are looking for move along. | |
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| Should I let go or pursue
Posted: 6/19/2008 2:55:57 PM |
The real dagger to the heart is that I noticed that she has appeared on this web site in just the last few days. Ouch. I cannot believe how painful that is.
My heart really goes out to you. I sincerely mean that... I mean that really sucks...er... Oregon?!?
Sooo... what's her ID? Is she cute?? | |
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| Should I let go or pursue
Posted: 6/19/2008 3:10:04 PM | | She accused you of being unfaithful. I am willing to bet she was being unfaithful to you. In any effent she has real issues. Move on and don't look back. You just think she was good for you. Move on and you will find someone better. | |
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| Should I let go or pursue
Posted: 6/19/2008 3:14:15 PM | 1948Great,
Wow! I feel your pain and heartache, Im no professional here but sounds as if it would be best at this point to move on. You have to have faith, trust, respect and honsty in a relationship if you dont have that going for you from the start, its time to move on.
I know easier said then done, I understand your heart is hurting and you feel for her, however, she is looking as well now and that should really tell you something.
Hang in there dear I hope you find some peace of mind.  | |
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| Should I let go or pursue
Posted: 6/19/2008 3:24:17 PM | This woman has self esteem issues. If you did nothing as you said then the insecurity felt is all within her. We cannot change what is in another, no matter what we say or do. It is her inability to deal with trust, whether there is a issue or not, since you said you did nothing and still there is no trust, there is no relationship.
Although one poster here had some execellent advise to persue an ex. Snakewhisperer posted on "how can I get my ex back if it's possible" . take a look at that. not bad even if it doesn't work out.
My advice would be to follow the above, but with an eye to move on. You cannot change her and trust will always be an issue. Think about 3 or 4 years from now, it would drive you crazy to have to prove something everyday, when normal trust would suffice. Bob | |
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| Should I let go or pursue
Posted: 6/19/2008 3:44:30 PM | How can you determine or assume that he has "severe codependency issues" from just reading a few short paragraphs? Maybe he just really, really loved the girl and we all know how love can blind us to any negative side of our 'beloveds' personality? Christ, it has happened to us all at some point in our lives - that we have loved someone so completely and have put up with huge amounts of BS from them in a desperate attempt to make it work out. Anything to save it!!! Our tolerance and blindness to this BS has quite literally astounded all of our friends and family. Everyone else can see it except for us. In truth, time and distance from a relationship are the only true tells. I have been in love, really in love only twice in my life. Once was to my wife - and our marriage only ended after the death of our child. The second time was to a woman whom I thought was perfect - and she was, for a while. I was happier with her even than with my wife. But, in the end she wasn't worth it. Too much baggage and not enough effort in return from her caused it to end. That was three years ago. Since then I have had a number of relationships, some intimate, have traveled quite a lot and had a great change of career. Even now, I still think of her, virtually every day and it hurts like hell, even though I - and all my friends know that she, although a lovely and warm person, was just completely wrong for me. Love is a funny and powerful thing. Maybe that is why so much music, poetry, art and literature has been devoted to it for thousands of years.
But in the end, time and distance can heal most things or at the very least give you clarity on the matter. Hindsight is a wonderful thing. | |
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| Should I let go or pursue
Posted: 6/19/2008 4:01:30 PM | There has been some good advice posted for me to consider. Thank you. It is difficult to give a truly clear picture of my circumstances and I question whether I was able to do so given the limited space here. I perceived her problem as an illness that could be corrected with help so I looked at it from the perspective that if she had some other type of ailment or illness I would be there for her no matter what. I am extremely loyal and committed when it comes to my friends and the ones I love. I would never walk out on someone that was ill.
I suspect that now that she is moving on and starting the dating process again it will be just a matter of time when she will once again experience the same feelings. Maybe at that time she will truly recognize that the problem lies with her, at the expense of another man that will experience the same pain that I have.
As difficult as it will be, yes, it is time to cut that emotional tie and try to heal. | |
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| Should I let go or pursue
Posted: 6/20/2008 3:14:50 AM | OP -- Co-dependancy - atleast read up on it. Your love isn't what I question. I believe you truly love her but it doesn't sound like a healthy love. I mean in a normal healthy relationship the mere thought of having to take a lie detector test would be laughed at. Her being so distrustful is one thing, your putting yourself through all that to "prove to her" is another. Someone who doesn't love themselves enough to get out of a harmful relationship, putting themselves last in trying to gain another's love and all that. Paraphrasing here so please don't scream at me. It sounds like you have low self esteem to allow all this.
Another point is you are assuming she has a mental health issue, has she seen a medical professional? You are putting everything on her and thinking somehow you can fix her. Regardless of her issues, it should be important that you deal with some of your own before moving on. I have said it before and believe it true that in a breakup - both have a part. I don't know what your part is other then staying in the situation too long and letting the chaos keep going.
I would ask myself if this were a common occurance in relationships I am having - finding someone who needs fixing and trying to help them get better. NOONE can fix anyone else. THAT is a main factor of a codependant, thinking they can fix someone else. I am not trying to put you down, maybe I am totally off here and if so great!!! But if not, for your own happiness and well being do some reading on the matter.
This is from my own personal experience ok, and I was very codependant, and got into the same situation with different SO's. I finally realized I (ME) was the common denominator. Once I was able to see this, I was able to work on it, I accept my part and am alot happier and freer and know that my next relationship will have awhole lot better chance of being healthy and good. I hope that for you too. | |
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| Should I let go or pursue
Posted: 6/20/2008 2:04:13 PM | | Let her go. I was with someone who constantly accused me of cheatring when I know for a fact I hadn't done anything to make her think that. | |
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| Should I let go or pursue
Posted: 6/20/2008 2:39:00 PM | | "Thank God for unanswered prayers!" Time to start healing and move on buddy because it sounds like she will always be paranoid and jealous and that is hell to live with. Consider it a blessing and move on. | |
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| Should I let go or pursue
Posted: 6/21/2008 3:50:11 AM | I gotta agree with everybody here who says let it go and move on. I was in a similar situation off and on over two years and at the first of the year said enough is enough and just let it go and moved on although it was not her accusing me of cheating but it was her non attentiveness to the relationship.
Often times we have to know when to cut our ties and move on and that is the hard thing when you really care about somebody.  | |
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| Should I let go or pursue
Posted: 6/21/2008 4:16:46 AM | | you definitely have to let go.this stuff totally does your head in,whereas it takes over your life.you should be through the worst after six months to get involved again would be asking for trouble.you may be feeling like shite but i bet you wouldnt like to go through it again which i think would happen. | |
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| Should I let go or pursue
Posted: 6/21/2008 5:19:30 AM | | I think that whenever person A plays along with person B's phobia, person A does so because of person A's own phobia. It is a collusion of similar phobias. In this case, her devilish insecurity about cheating was an excuse to dump you before you dumped her. And your extreme and unwarranted loyalty is a desperate attempt to avoid being unworthy. Thankfully we have this forum to start threads where our ex can stop by and read about how we still love them. Then they can see we are not the reason it ended. Love is proved still long after the relationship ends. The endless proving of love serves which of the many phobias? | |
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