| does one have to be inlove to be romantic and do romantic things?
Posted: 6/18/2008 10:31:54 AM | | I dated a guy you said he needed time to open up and show his feelings and do romantic things and say romantic things yet he slept with me and lived with me. He said he needs a long time to know if its right. What? then what was he doing with me? Playing a game? this is not the first time this has happened to me. Not wanting to be pushy as I know men don't like to be pushed I waited and hinted around but never pressured. Sometimes I would feel hurt or rejected and wonder what the problem was. Yet I was told to be patient. I said if I have to be anymore patient I am going to end up a patient. | |
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| does one have to be inlove to be romantic and do romantic things?
Posted: 6/18/2008 10:41:34 AM | | OP, men have to 'feel' romantic towards you to behave romantically, and it's not something you can convince them into feeling. The only way to get a man to feel romantically towards you is to be romantic with him. By that I don't mean you have to be slushy or st*pid, just honest and caring towards him. | |
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| does one have to be inlove to be romantic and do romantic things?
Posted: 6/18/2008 10:44:33 AM | he slept with me and lived with me. He said he needs a long time to know if its right. What? then what was he doing with me? Playing a game? this is not the first time this has happened to me.
Yes, you're correct - he is playing games with you.
If this wasn't the first time this has happened, you should have heed the red flags and learned from your mistakes.
Obvious, communication doesn't work, but you need to talk with him, never mind hint around. Find your voice and communicate effectively just what's on your mind.
Be prepared, however, for him to say, "Be patient."
It honestly appears you 'gave it up', all too quickly, he got what he wanted and has moved on. | |
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| does one have to be inlove to be romantic and do romantic things?
Posted: 6/18/2008 10:54:02 AM | I think that at times internet dating moves at light speed with numerous messages in a non-existant environment with emails and IM's, in a short time frame. Relationships between 2 people takes time, as there is an emotional acquaintance and bonding that must happen. People with less than honorable intentions are using this new technology like the old fashioned "full court press" to get what they want in the least amount of time. It works as indicated by the OP's comments.
Also, anyone that has been in a relationship and now is not, certainly misses the "little things" that provide us comfort with another person. So, I would suggest to just slow things down, get to know the person you are considering being involved with and dont get naked with them, till you know them and know you both want the same things. I think its all about knowing what you want and being involved with those who want the same. Unfortunately dating is not like instant pudding, that takes only 3 minutes to complete and then you get what you want. | |
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| does one have to be inlove to be romantic and do romantic things?
Posted: 6/18/2008 11:00:50 AM | | You are too good for your own good. You have over-compensated. You have given him free meals, cleaned the house.... these service should be paid for by a maid and cleaning service.... about $60 an hour. What else did you give him? Well, when you give a guy everything he asks for..... he has reached his goal, he is finished! You gave him what he wanted, now he doesn't want anything. He has no feelings for you. He has no reason to respect you or pursue you, because you are not a PRIZE to be won. The challenge is over. You dealt your best card, and now you have nothing else to give. He does not appreciate the extra effort. He wants to be hot on the pursuit for someone who is available.... you are not. You are his "old lady". You are no longer special. Next time, with the next one, don't make the same mistake. Be sweet and kind, but do not give in to sexuality. This is where you are making your mistake. Play hard to get. Make him work for it. That way he thinks he is working for something he really wants. Let him want you badly. This will stir his FEELINGS of love for you. Sex is not love... for men. Him wanting you, thinking about what it would be like to ..... this is love for him. LONGING is love for him. If you give it him, you have extinguished his fire. | |
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| does one have to be inlove to be romantic and do romantic things?
Posted: 6/18/2008 11:14:06 AM | newyorktomboy,
I dated a guy you said he needed time to open up and show his feelings and do romantic things and say romantic things yet he slept with me and lived with me.
If he told you this, why would you allow this guy to move in with you? If he hadn't shown you any type of romantic gestures or expressed his feelings towards you, what makes you think this would happen afterwards. Seems to me, you are moving too fast, too soon...how about slowing down and taking YOUR time to get to know the guy first. | |
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| does one have to be inlove to be romantic and do romantic things?
Posted: 6/18/2008 11:16:35 AM | | You have to think about what YOU think and what YOU need. Why would you let someone do that to you? If you weren't OK with it, you shouldn't have gone ahead with it. I honestly feel bad for you and hope you don't let someone take advantage like that again. | |
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| does one have to be inlove to be romantic and do romantic things?
Posted: 6/18/2008 11:28:39 AM | | thanks for the honesty and straight forwardness in responding. I have known him for a year and loved him from a far as we had dated in the past and broke up and he met someone else and fell in love and she broke up with him. I pined for him all that time even though I dated other people. He asked if he could start dating me again and I said yes one thing let to another and the cards just fell into place for him to move in. It was not my or his choice it just happened. We tried to have a relationship and the sex was out of this world always has been. Kisses to die for. Great sense of humor and has a good job and morals. A good father and provider. How ever he is afraid to commit. He is 50 and never married. Never had a women love him like I do and it scares the shit out of him. He does not know how to respond so he ran. He made excuses he is not ready he needs his own place, he needs to find himself blah blah blah. Even if its true why did he lead me on? He can be romamtic but he thinks that romance is something you earn and its not something you do out of love or feelings. Like if I piss him off he will not be romatic in anyway for weeks. This is not normal. I told him he holding onto a grudge. I stay mad for no more than a day and ususally am over it in a couple of hrs. Not him. He brews over it and never forgets it and brings it up all the time. I can't stand that. So why the hell was I in love with this jerk? | |
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| does one have to be inlove to be romantic and do romantic things?
Posted: 6/18/2008 11:31:52 AM | | The flip side of the coin is the guy who acts romantically just to get in your bed. However, your guy may not be "into you" enough to even make an effort. There's no reason NOT to act romantically even if he's not ready to say he loves you. It doesn't sound like a promising relationship, in my opinion. | |
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| does one have to be inlove to be romantic and do romantic things?
Posted: 6/18/2008 11:45:07 AM | I wouldn't call it a game persay, A man once told me quote" I'm a man and if it is someone I like and it (sex) is offered I will take it, It doesn't change how I feel about her, it's just the way things are." unquote
it's not a game it is just how they are.
I would wonder if the man you are with has been hurt before and now holds back his feelings. I would say he enjoys your company, but clearly isn't ready for a deeper commitment. You asked why you fell for "this jerk" well perhaps you should examine your question closer, why did you? Issues like low self esteem or past hurts can make us chose negative relationships. Perhaps the answers you really need don't lie in him but in yourself and getting to know your own needs better.
best of luck dear | |
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| does one have to be inlove to be romantic and do romantic things?
Posted: 6/18/2008 12:15:01 PM | newyorktomboy,
He asked if he could start dating me again and I said yes one thing let to another and the cards just fell into place for him to move in. It was not my or his choice it just happened.
It wasn't your or his choice, it just happened? LOL ... there is no such thing. If it was your home, YOU made the choice to allow him to stay with you and vice versa if it was his home. | |
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Cazimi
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Joined: 3/15/2008
Msg: 13 | |
| does one have to be inlove to be romantic and do romantic things?
Posted: 6/18/2008 1:15:20 PM | No,one does not have to be in love to be romantic .
I think men and women are different in what we feel is romantic.
If someone cares about you they would try to do romantic things
for the relationship to grow and love to blossom.
I wouldn't call it a game persay, A man once told me quote" I'm a man and if it is someone I like and it (sex) is offered I will take it, It doesn't change how I feel about her, it's just the way things are." unquote
it's not a game it is just how they are I was told the same by a few guys.
You are making excuses for him,
He sounds immature and selfish, he took what you gave
but was not able to give you what you wanted .
You can't blame someone for not loving you , we can't make ourselves love someone.
But it's selfish to accept love given and to treat that person badly by not caring about their feelings.
People like him don't change.
Go find someone who will love you and want you to be happy by trying to please you .
Good riddance. | |
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| does one have to be inlove to be romantic and do romantic things?
Posted: 6/18/2008 3:00:21 PM | | no inmature thinking carl we both dropped our knickers when the time was right. We were very attracted to each other on every level. Sex with him was like a trip around the world. Not a 5 minute wham bam thank you mam. And how dare you say I dropped my drawers. Only men are suppose to have needs and we are suppose to walk around with padlocks on our tweaters ? lol. When are men going to stop stereotyping women who have sex as sluts? | |
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| does one have to be inlove to be romantic and do romantic things?
Posted: 6/18/2008 3:40:57 PM |
I dated a guy you said he needed time to open up and show his feelings and do romantic things and say romantic things yet he slept with me and lived with me. He said he needs a long time to know if its right. What? then what was he doing with me? Playing a game? this is not the first time this has happened to me. Not wanting to be pushy as I know men don't like to be pushed I waited and hinted around but never pressured. Sometimes I would feel hurt or rejected and wonder what the problem was. Yet I was told to be patient. I said if I have to be anymore patient I am going to end up a patient.
For me? yes. I can't fake it. and being hot and heavy during sex is not romantic. Some guys though are players and sex is just an activity to get off for them. Its like a game. so they can act like it means something to them to fool the women into doing whatever they want.
Many women today are as bad as guys. They hop in the sack with anyone and everyone and they do it quick. Its not healthy and the posts show it.
If you have guys saying it takes time for them, then those are good guys. If you want a GQ party boy that will screw quick, then go for that. Good for those guys to do the right thing. | |
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| does one have to be inlove to be romantic and do romantic things?
Posted: 6/18/2008 3:53:36 PM |
Not wanting to be pushy as I know men don't like to be pushed I waited and hinted around but never pressured.
I'm not going to repeat some of the good advice you've already received, so I'll ust comment on this.
You may be being too passive in your communication. It is possible to be clear and direct without being pushy, demanding or pressuring. Waiting and hinting often isn't clear enough... it is forcing the other person to be a mind reader.
Further, if you aren't clear about what you're feeling how is he supposed to correct it? I think it is whacked when people don't say something is bugging them UNTIL they are breaking up.
^^ take a good look at yourself and see if any of that fits. | |
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| does one have to be inlove to be romantic and do romantic things?
Posted: 6/18/2008 4:11:31 PM |
no inmature thinking carl we both dropped our knickers when the time was right. We were very attracted to each other on every level. Sex with him was like a trip around the world. Not a 5 minute wham bam thank you mam. And how dare you say I dropped my drawers. Only men are suppose to have needs and we are suppose to walk around with padlocks on our tweaters ? lol. When are men going to stop stereotyping women who have sex as sluts?
So you slept with him to satisfy your physical needs (which does not make you a slut, and I don't think the other poster was implying that). Nothing wrong with that at all, but don't you think it is silly to expect love or romantic gestures if you were just 2 consenting adults acting when the time was right?
You do not have to be in love to be romantic, but you do have to be thinking about the other person enough to go out of your way and commit a romantic gesture. You also have to be the kind of person that this comes naturally to. Your guy may not be the type to ever think about doing small romantic things for a woman in his life, and/or he may not be that into you to begin with. | |
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| does one have to be inlove to be romantic and do romantic things?
Posted: 6/18/2008 4:20:38 PM | ~OP~ I have men friends that are "romantic" and I'm not even physically intimate with them (I don't cross that line.) They constantly bringing flowers, impromptu dinners, cards left for no reason, etc. I have no clue what someone thinks when they state they need time to be romantic.  What that says to me is he doesn't choose to take the time to be romantic with you. Pft on that.  If it's important to you and he isn't willing, you might wish to evaluate if you can live without what you want/need/desire/etc. JMO  | |
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| does one have to be inlove to be romantic and do romantic things?
Posted: 6/18/2008 5:01:26 PM | | you hit the nail on the head greeneyez. It is important to me and he knows it but said if I ask for it he does not want to do it till he feels comfortable doing it. what a load of crap. So many women broke up with him for the same reason. He still does not get it or does get it and does not care. I opt for number 2. He is the take it or leave it kind of guy. A musician that is full of himself because he is good. Thinks he is some sort of God. I know he is narcisistic and its like jumping into a pit of aligators dating a narcisitc person so yes i am stupid lol but love makes smart people do stupid things. | |
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| does one have to be inlove to be romantic and do romantic things?
Posted: 6/18/2008 5:06:13 PM | You can be romantic and not even like the person. It is empty romantic gestures to get the other person into bed or make them think that you like them. Works for a lot of people. I would prefer knowing I am loved and adored than having romantic gestures. But if you are with someone and they love you and do not do anything that is romantic at all, then I would question that.
~Carrie | |
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| does one have to be inlove to be romantic and do romantic things?
Posted: 6/18/2008 5:34:34 PM | I really think a guy has to be assertive/romantic by nature in the first place... Some guys can act that way for awhile, but if it's not in their nature - it probably won't be there after the honeymoon phase...
I agree with the others - if you were expecting more than sex (a relationship) or hoping that after sex he would feel more "love for you" - you probably shouldn't have given in until you knew he had feelings for you... It's true, guys don't seem to think of sex as love like we do. But also, if anything was meant to become of it - it would or will. But never give something you cannot afford to lose - like your feelings of sanity.
Also - a bit off topic/on topic - Just something I noticed... Did you originally pursue him? I have never pursued men at all except for a few weeks ago I gave it a whirl after reading a few forum posts. In general I found that the men I 'pursued' (picked as favorites, so - kinda pursued) are certainly not as assertive as the men who contact me first... Still not sure if this is a good/bad thing - but I only speak with one now that I 'pursued'... The other two I met and we were not good matches (although great guys otherwise) ... For me, if they aren't assertive/romantic, it's kinda a no-go.  | |
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