| Calls me everyday..all day...but no time to see me..WHATS UP WITH THAT?
Posted: 6/18/2008 8:35:46 PM | Details:
We started out Emailing each other 6 mos. April 2007 - Sept 2007
then Talking in person 8 months. Sept 2007 till now.
We are a Long distance romance
Calls me every day...many times every day.
Talk for hours about everything.
Says hes never been able to talk about these kinds of things with anyone his whole life.
Same values and morals
Says I pretty and sexy
Share same hobbies
Tells me Im his best friend
He was married to a golddigger/con woman of the worst kind
Im totally not materialistic..not at all like her
I am happy go lucky
Hes the class clown..very fun
March 2008 he started new const. business
said we fit like two pieces of a puzzle.
I know positively for sure hes NOT married
Due to his lack of attendence...I have accused him of seeing others..but dont think
thats the case. He hates it when I accuse him. then he will try to console me by
calling at all hours or texting back and forth so I know hes alone.
HE PULLS ME TO HIM...THEN PUSHES ME AWAY. ...then pulls me to him...then
pushes me away....whats up with that?!!!!
MY QUESTION: Now that you have some of the details ....please tell me ..WHY DOES HE CALL ME EVERDAY..BUT HARDLY FIND TIME TO COME SEE ME. ITS DRIVING ME NUTS. He says I am pretty and fun to be with...he says. We are supposed to be exclusive....at first he would tell me, " after the season is over...I'll have alot more time. (Hes in construction). "But with the new business...its even worse. I really dont seem him as a player at all.
1)Is he a workaholic?
2)Is he perhaps scared of being hurt again and just cant be vulnerable...
3) he likes me alot and it scares the hell out of him.
4) Priorities all screwed up?
5) your version here.
HE HAS TOLD ME HE IS AFRAID TO LET ME GO CAUSE IF IM THE ONE AND HE LOOSES ME...HE WOULD HAVE TO LIVE WITH THAT FOREVER. ....but he just cant seem to fit me in his busy schedule..But still calls EVERYDAY. I JUST DONT GET IT. Why do I wait for him?..He is the coolest man I have ever known. The kind I always wanted to be with...we have everything in common... I was thrilled when I met him and saw what kind of man he is. Hes seems to be a very good man...Community minded..but.. its So confusing. He knows hes pushing me away...then reeling me back in over and over. He seems to be confused about it all too.
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vro312
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Joined: 11/22/2007
Msg: 3 | |
| Calls me everyday..all day...but no time to see me..WHATS UP WITH THAT?
Posted: 6/18/2008 9:10:14 PM | Edit: Did your original post just change?! I was responding to the first version.
I think you might be focusing on the wrong person. Instead of trying to figure out why he's doing what he's doing and what it means, you might want to try to figure out why you're doing what you're doing and what it means. He does sound great, but you don't seem satisfied with the circumstances of the relationship, and that pretty much cancels out how great he is. Yeah, I guess you could be suspicious about what's really going on in his life; but I think it would be more productive to ask yourself if you are getting what you want out of the relationship, and if you're not, what you're going to do about it and/or how long you're willing to hold out.
Here's something I've realized: It doesn't matter how perfect someone seems, how much it seems like we'd fit, how attracted I am to him, how kind/responsible/open he is if I'm not getting what I want and need out of the relationship. At some point, things either move forward or they deteriorate. Relationships must evolve. I know I'm too old to hang on to something that isn't going anywhere--I'd personally rather be alone.
Maybe you should figure out what exactly *would* satisfy you and ask him for it. At least that would open up the lines of communication on this topic. If he's not willing to move the relationship forward, then you can decide where to go from there. | |
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| Calls me everyday..all day...but no time to see me..WHATS UP WITH THAT?
Posted: 6/18/2008 9:16:44 PM | We have the most awesome communication. Our "arguments" are all handled with out yelling or name calling. Never.
I have told him I need to see him more or I will begin to date others.
He didnt want me to do that....but he never changed anything..sooo
I am now dating others....but dont really want to...but IM SO BORED.
One week hes says hes just under my level of commitment.... that Im his shining light...best and closest friend.... then he says maybe hes not ready for a relationship...so I ask him to "let me go" that means TELL me to go and date others...He wont... | |
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vro312
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Joined: 11/22/2007
Msg: 6 | |
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| Calls me everyday..all day...but no time to see me..WHATS UP WITH THAT?
Posted: 6/19/2008 12:48:48 AM | He has no time to see you because HE STARTED A NEW BUSINESS. If you are so committed to him, maybe you could HELP him out instead to trying to tear him down.
Ah, but you are NOT committed, because you have already run off with other men. Silly rabbit! Nah, this guy is a serious customer, and when you ran off with other men, that closed the door for good.
He's got a business to run, and that's always going to be priority one. You have shown you're not concerned about what concerns him the most (his business) so hanging around YOU will only drag his business down.
Besides, you're a player, and he's apparently not into that.  | |
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| Calls me everyday..all day...but no time to see me..WHATS UP WITH THAT?
Posted: 6/19/2008 8:07:00 AM | Just my 2 cents here -
Does it really matter why if the relationship is not working for you and you are not happy?
There is a lot involved in starting a new business and LDR's are hard under the best of circumstances. From what you have said, he does not have the time or desire to see you on a regular basis and is not meeting your needs. You have mentioned to him that you are not happy. He has not made any attempts to change that.
It's time for you to do what you need to do.
I am all for standing by your man, but when you are spending more time alone and unhappy than you are with your SO it is usually time to re-evaluate the relationship. | |
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| Calls me everyday..all day...but no time to see me..WHATS UP WITH THAT?
Posted: 6/19/2008 8:53:04 AM | WackMC is rather harsh but I agree with the sentiment he expressed.
Ultimatums rarely lead to a deepening of intimacy and I think your giving him an ultimatum was a bad idea. You were beginning to talk about his issue but it seems like you have no patience with him having issues when they are inconvenient to you: this is a real shame, that you could not put yourself aside for a while and be supportive towards him, given that your relationship so far has apparantly involved a fair degree of emotional intimacy.
He started a new business in March. I don't agree at all that everyone who is self-employed will always put their business before their relationships; however, do you have any idea how stressful it is to start a business, or how much work is involved, how emotionally draining it is? It is not the reason he gave for his behaviour (phoning you rather than seeing you in person) but what he said regarding that was that he was confused and didn't know why he was being like that and the stress of starting a new business will doubtless be feeding any issues of control, security, self-esteem that he has.
I think it's a real shame that rather than being supportive and trying to understand his feelings, you just gave him an ultimatum as to his behaviour and then dropped him as if he had the emotional consequence to you of an old sock, and took up with other men to sate your need for male companionship. You may say that you didn't drop him, you are still seeing him, but you certainly showed him how much you care for his feelings when you made that choice that he expressed to you would be upsetting for him.
If you valued the emotional relationship, the intimacy, that you were developing with him, I think you would have cared more about his feelings; but you did not. You've been having long and frequent talks with this man for well over a year. I suspect that most of them must have revolved around you and your problems and issues and him making you feel good because it seems too strange that when he has a problem you throw out an ultimatum and show no insight at all into why he's behaving the way he is. I couldn't guess why he's preferring to phone you rather than be with you, pushing you away and then trying to pull you in again but he openly told you that he knew he was doing that and his behaviour was confusing him too. I don't understand how you could respond to that in any other way besides gentle questioning, encouraging him to talk about how it made him feel when certain stuff happened, actually caring about how he felt and wanting to understand him because of the feeling you had for him...
Maybe the actual reason is that he wanted to believe that you loved him but that he could see from your behaviour that you only loved the attention he gave you and that if he needed your support, you'd not be there for him, so he was in a cycle of hopefulness and well-founded fear. Who knows, but going by what you have written, I don't think you really care about getting an explanation for his behaviour, only in justifying yours. I suspect that dating multiple men and sticking to short-term relationships is probably best for you for now, which is okay so long as the other people know that. | |
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| Calls me everyday..all day...but no time to see me..WHATS UP WITH THAT?
Posted: 6/19/2008 8:56:50 AM | Could be married. Saying lots of things you'd like to hear. He sounds like he's keeping you interested as an option. Not all players live with someone, they are free to take time phoning. They can be very charming and are disarming.
It's well known now that if someone is only available to talk at certain times, they may well be a player. Players are aware of this too and make themselves available, so don't assume that because he phones a lot he isn't a player. Construction work is a wonderful excuse for not being available during the season. If you email me I could send you some information on players.
The biggest red flag is suggesting past partner has mistreated him in some way - in this case was a golddigger. In general, I've found that decent men have a reasonably good relationship with past partners and certainly don't say that they were golddiggers, cheated on, or crazy. | |
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| Calls me everyday..all day...but no time to see me..WHATS UP WITH THAT?
Posted: 6/19/2008 10:23:43 AM | Well, I don't think he's married or he wouldn't have time for the calls and texts BUT.....I had a boyfriend who would do this to women ALL over the World and chose to talk to women overseas because he would never have to meet them. He would really make them believe that he was in love with them to the point where some of them considered the phone chat/texts a "relationship". Women would book flights to the UK to see him and then he would just vanish into thin air without a trace......this was while I was with him but also before and after. He has since sought help for his addiction. When he was with me he would wait for me to go to bed and then fire off a text to the hordes saying that he was "out" in a noisy club or something. Hmmmm.
However, you say you have actually had physical contact with this man so I doubt he is exactly like my ex, but it does whiff a bit of his behaviour. I've never understood the LTR and me myself wouldn't consider it but I know it does work out for many. I have too much to do at weekends to wander too far from home but they would be welcome to make the journey to me. Do you visit him or the other way around? How often do you see him? The LTR is often an excuse not to get involved for various reasons but I can't see why he would invest so much time in you if he wasn't interested UNLESS he was playing the same game as my ex.
Can't you hack his emails??? Joking  | |
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| Calls me everyday..all day...but no time to see me..WHATS UP WITH THAT?
Posted: 6/19/2008 9:57:16 PM | WackMc:
WOW... you are so wrong about me. Not a player at all. We are not exclusive anymore. He agrees to the new situation. He cant give me any time...Im bored..He never made enough effort anyway even BEFORE he started his business. Enough is enough. 8 months.
I havent dated one man yet and weve changed our relationship over a month ago.. Actually, its really hard to think of dating someone else right now. I still care about him. But I must face reality. What if I do this for another 8 months and he never comes around. that would be a year and 4 months out of my life. Some people have screwed up priorities...or he just isnt really interested and like to talk to me...but he has told me he cares many times .
Like I said before...I feel like a fishing lure...He reels me in....then he throws me out...then he reels me in....then he throws me out...and on and on. He keeps me at arms lenght. I think he has alot of fears due to his divorce isnt finished and its been hell for him. But thats only a small piece of the puzzle. Yea...thats what it is...Its puzzleing. Making me crazy. Cant take it so I changed the program. I have to think of whats good for me first. .I am my only protector. He and I can still be friends and talk anytime he wishes. We will always be friends. Thats for sure.
Like I said before....He loves talking with me...says Im his best friend...I know him pretty well....hes not a liar or a bs'er from what I can tell. Hes a freaking workaholic. EVEN BEFORE HE STARTED HIS BUSINESS LAST APRIL. I'VE BEEN WITH HIM SINCE LAST SEPT. | |
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| Calls me everyday..all day...but no time to see me..WHATS UP WITH THAT?
Posted: 6/19/2008 10:02:22 PM | Yes Transparent Butterfly,
I have told him that its not fun for me anymore. He feels bad. Doesnt like me to date others but understands.
Its really not his fault all the things happening to him. There is more and I am sure it is very stressful. If I could help him I would...but hes the kind of guy that likes to be in control of all his stuff. He wont let anyone in I guess. I dont think hes ever been with a woman that like to help him....they were usually users so I guess hes suspicious of me.
He'll figure that out in time that I am not like them. But sometimes one will always levitate towards the same kind of woman over and over even if it doesnt work until they figure out the pattern they are in..We have talked about that too. | |
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| Calls me everyday..all day...but no time to see me..WHATS UP WITH THAT?
Posted: 6/19/2008 10:27:51 PM | Reply to msg 17...rune
I am very supportive to him. If you could ask him...he would say I was VERY supportive to him. I am his cheerleader. I think waiting 8 months for him to be able to spend more time with me is a very long time. I think he has priority issues. He kinda feebly said so only once.
Starting a new business: I have started 3 business's my self...one of which I make my living from today. I know what it is like to work hard.. But I can always find just a little time for my friends...even when busy. Where theres a will....theres a way.... I have plain out asked him...are you sure you want a relationship with me? He always says yes...but mentions the distance at times. I always say...where theres a will theres a way.
OUR TALKS: Actually,,, you are most certainly wrong...Our talks actually always 95% of the time centered around him and his life. I sensed he needed to talk...so I listened. He told me I am the only person in his whole life he has ever shared deep thoughts with. I asked what about your ex. He said they always talked about her, her job, her family. Yes...this poor man needed someone to talk to..That was me...and I have listened to him 8 months..graciously...and happily. Hes a great guy.
If you could ask him...he would tell you I am a great friend to him...patient and kind...I am not a "dater" type at all. I have been free to date others for over a month...but cant seem to bring myself to do that just yet. Maybe hoping he will change his mind and come forward a little. But 8 months...thats along time to be lonely IN a relationship. I really think his ex and that situation is causing stress...the economy has hurt him...new business.
MAYBE ITS JUST BAD TIMING. MAYBE WE SHOULD TAKE A BREAK...JUST BE FRIENDS FOR NOW...AND MAYBE TRY LATER. HIS LIFE IS SO FULL OF CHAOS.
I'd be right by his side.... and he knows this. .but he wont let me in. I think he has issues due to alcoholic parents...no love as a child maybe...doesnt know how to let someone help him....always did everything himself..including raising his children of which he did an excellent job. He himself never has drank or done drugs.. Clean as a whistle. Good man. Wish he would come around. Maybe later.
But he may never come around. How much time does one give to someone they are only dating....expecially at my age....to someone if after 8 months they dont know what they want. Thats plenty of time. I have been the 'more committed' one most of this relationship in my opinion. | |
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| Calls me everyday..all day...but no time to see me..WHATS UP WITH THAT?
Posted: 6/19/2008 11:16:12 PM | WOW... you are so wrong about me. Not a player at all. We are not exclusive anymore. He agrees to the new situation. He cant give me any time...Im bored..He never made enough effort anyway even BEFORE he started his business. Enough is enough. 8 months. ... How much time does one give to someone they are only dating....expecially at my age....to someone if after 8 months they dont know what they want.
If I am wrong, I am wrong, only YOU can really know. I find your posts contradictory. I say you want him, but you won't wait. You say he's drives a great distance and sleeps over, but that he's not made enough effort to be with you. You say he keeps you away, yet you haven't made an effort to be closer to him by going to HIS town. You blame him for lack of intimacy when he TOLD you it would be problem with his schedule.
Now you are demanding something he told you he could not provide. Why is this not clear to you? Why keep saying "he'll come around" when you said the door is closed and you've walked away? It seems that YOU can't decide if you want HIM.
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| Calls me everyday..all day...but no time to see me..WHATS UP WITH THAT?
Posted: 6/19/2008 11:24:46 PM | Reply to msg 23:
I find it difficult to reconcile this picture of you as being a great listener and supportive and loving friend with your original post. Rather than look seriously at why he is behaving the way he does -- in a way that he confesses confuses him too -- it seems you chose to issue an ultimatum because you are (quoting you) "bored".
This is not the kind of relationship you want: you claim you've been unhappy with it for 8 months. So why make the choice to develop the relationship in that way at all? It's not like something changed; more like that being in a relationship with him isn't what you expect being in a relationship should be like. But being in a relationship with another person is really about relating to them -- it doesn't seem like this is really happening and so I wonder whether it was wishful thinking that led you to the point you're at.
It's interesting that you refer repeatedly to the being reeled in and chucked out repeatedly. You aren't quite as powerless and mindless as a worm on a string, though, so why liken yourself to one? Maybe the two of you create an unstable dynamic between you because your wishful thinking leads you to react strongly to him being affectionate (you are 'reeled in') and his fear leads him to react strongly to your increase in affection ('pushing you away').
What seems odd is that it seems like you made the decision to give up on this relationship before you posted and it seems like you just want to feel better about it. Look: if you are not happy in a relationship of any kind where the person is not a dependent, the right thing to do is to back off. If my partner woke up this morning and decided that he'd gone off me and didn't feel happy about being with me any more, the right thing would be for him not to be with me any more. A reluctant partner is no partner at all: no-one wants to do that to someone they care about: hold them prisoner in a situation they don't enjoy.
I hope you find someone more suited to you. Learn the lesson about wishful thinking if that paragraph applies. It's very common to deceive oneself and get involved because of hoping the relationship will be one way, failing to notice the signs that the other person, nice as they are, simply doesn't relate in the expected way. | |
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