| letting go and moving on
Posted: 6/19/2008 7:12:39 AM | | As some of you know I battled emotionally over an unhealthy relationship with someone who was not emotionally avalable. We had officially broke it off yesterday after I told him I have your answer now so i can move on. He said in his state of mind and depression I am better off dating other guys because he does not want to hold me back. I was relieved and sad but I let it sink in and said goodbye to those dreams. Well yesteday he called me saying he could not sleep all night and was not feeling good about what was going on and breaking it off totally. I said I was sad but as the day when by and began to evaluate who he was and is and how he treats me I realized no matter how much I like him he is a dangerous drug that I need to stop cold turkey. He called me last night crying and upset and said he was very depressed and sitting in his car and could not go into the house where he is staying because of the caous. There was no water to bath with and no water period. He had not eatten and was mentally not himself. I told him to come over and take a shower I would feed him and he could rest here and I would not bother him at all. He came and ate and took a shower, and proceeded to kiss me and eventually make love to me. Now before your start throwing stones. let me explain. I had to find out if my attraction to him was purely physical. It was and I know it was over and even though he is fantastic he is not for me and I feel relieved and glad that it happened and I can finally close that chapter and start dating again. this time no more men that have had bad relationships with their mothers. Everytime I date them they take out all their fears, anger, out on me. 2 marriages to men with bad abusive relationships from their mothers. Now this one. That is the first thing I am going to ask when i date someone. Its actually a good pattern to start with. Men who have bad relationships with their mother have unresolves issues that carry over into their adult relationships. I refuse to pay for their mistakes. | |
|
| letting go and moving on
Posted: 6/19/2008 7:16:16 AM | How about no more dates until you deal with your own issues and get your head straight, that would seem like a much more productive way to proceed than to analyze what's wrong with the men you date.  | |
|
| letting go and moving on
Posted: 6/19/2008 7:21:10 AM | | Hiii, really sorry to read your message and to learn you have had a really bad time. I have to agree with Daynadaze, once you have sorted out your own issues and your own life then is the time to date again, otherwise you will just continue the vicious cirlcle sweety and is it really fair to put yourself through all that pain and torture again. | |
|
| letting go and moving on
Posted: 6/19/2008 7:27:47 AM | Ask yourself why you're attracting the type of men you date.
There's an obvious reason, otherwise you'd cease doing it. You must be getting something out of it.
Laws of attraction...
| |
|
| letting go and moving on
Posted: 6/19/2008 7:47:28 AM | | Yes i do know why I do it after 5 yrs of counseling. I feel sorry for men who have had bad childhoods and want to kiss their heart boo boos and make them better and also let them know there are nice women out there that do care. Problem is they have not dealt with the past so they can not appreciate a good women. Its my own fault for hoping they will. But I have to give up on that cause. Its non productive and self destructive. I have been alone for 3 yrs and date off and on. I realize I can't get caught up in trying to fix people. Not my job and not fun either. I know all that, and co dependancy and feeling whole without another person and learning to live alone. Done that. I do want to meet the right guy and have a wonderful life together. No one has it all together no matter how much time they take out to fix themselves. we are all growing and learning from our mistakes everyday. I go months sometimes without dating, my choice, and I am fine. I have yet to meet anyone who has their sh t together totally and is 100% healthy to date. Everyone has issues, and certain things that need critiquing. Its all a part of lifes lessons we learn as we go. | |
|
| letting go and moving on
Posted: 6/19/2008 8:04:41 AM |
Ask yourself why you're attracting the type of men you date
Exactly. It sounds like you are attracted to needy guys. All that will do, is bring you down in the long run. I know, because I USED to be attracted to needy women. In the end, you can never make needy people happy, and YOU end up getting hurt. | |
|
| letting go and moving on
Posted: 6/19/2008 8:13:06 AM | | Hi blueeyed read the previous post from me. I agree with you and know what the problem is. I am learning. Some learn faster than others. lol | |
|
| letting go and moving on
Posted: 6/19/2008 8:27:02 AM | Been there before however in my recovery I discovered a very good book that answered many questions and helped me to break the cycle. (Barbara DeAngelis, "Are You The One For Me?") Sound like your partner (ex) could benefit from some counseling, maybe you both could go together and eventually repair what is "broken."
I also learned that when the cost of being in a relationship out weights the benefit, it is time to move forward, and many times that means don't look in the rearview mirror.
I have found that men that were not "nurtured" have a hard time being "emotionally available", it is something they didn't get. That doesn't mean that they are not capable, it means it takes some work. You will also see this in women who have been molested or abused sexually. If this guy is the one you want, then accept the bitter with the sweet wine, love and nurture him. You know what you are "dealing" with you have to find the way through the emotional rainforest. Anything worth having usually takes "work" nothing good comes easy. You can be his rock and soft place to fall. I am not saying being his whipping post, but being strong and teaching him by example. He needs to discover that all women are not like his mother. Good luck | |
|
| letting go and moving on
Posted: 6/19/2008 9:42:46 AM | the best way to let go, is to actually let go.
some people keep the temptation around, hoping an opening will come by.
It doesn't, so all you get is torture. Hanging around temptation only ignores the obvious, so it delays the obvious.
Learn about yourself. Learn your strengths, so you will know what you don't need from a man. That way, you won't pay a cost to get what you can give to yourself.
Also, learn your weaknesses. that way, you will know them when you see them, so you will clearly know to stay away from them, b/c they won't get you anywhere good on the way to getting you someplace bad.
Finally, advice for those who came from bad situations--when you find a person who makes you feel at home...run. Some who came from bad homes, think that when they find someone who reminds them of home, that they can handle whatever happens.
The lesson to learn from bad childhoods is...you shouldn't HAVE to handle it. You should just avoid it and get a better situation | |
|
| letting go and moving on
Posted: 6/19/2008 9:46:37 AM | How about no more dates until you deal with your own issues and get your head straight, that would seem like a much more productive way to proceed than to analyze what's wrong with the men you date.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I think OP has heard this in every single thread on this topic she has posted. I wonder, is the OP reading these replies, perhaps WRITING DOWN the best answers? Post them on sticky notes.
Yes clearly no more dates. Oh yes, one night of sleep is nothing..go for a amonth that way (you or him).
EXERCISE! That frees the mind and body. | |
|
| letting go and moving on
Posted: 6/19/2008 10:27:49 AM | | well the experts have spoken and I need to go to a monistery and not date till I am perfect. lol I do not know one single person who is perfect when it comes to dating. If they are I want to meet them. the only perfect person is God. I have learned more than you know and am still learning from counseling every week. I had to put closesure to this unhealthy relationship and know that I do not have to beat myself up because he was not emotionally ready. Its not my fault its his. Many people pick the wrong mates and that is why the divorce rate is so high. Picking the wrong person and staying with them is not good. Picking the wrong person and realizing it and learning from it and moving on and not repeating it is growth. Like I said I am a slow learner or I am just too loving to see that I am too good for my own good like one poster told me. being more cautious and asking more questions before getting too involved is the way to go. I was friends first with this person through going to live music clubs. Honestly I was not attracted to him at first and never thought I would ever have romantic feelings for him. It kinda crept up on me from no where. But now when I meet someone and there is interest I will be asking questions that will help both of us know if we will work together or not. I have so many men who want to date me right now its mind boggling. Not bragging just saying I have to be more chosey. I always have to eliminate so many for various reasons, yet sometimes someone will slip through my radar that I didn't find out enough about that person. Its hard to really know someone even after you have been together for years. people change or become so unstable you can't stay with them anymore. | |
|
| letting go and moving on
Posted: 6/19/2008 2:54:39 PM | | So you are not perfect, and you are right no one is.Your life is yours,you make the choices and reap the mistakes. Love makes fools of us all by times, we have all been there.Love should not hurt though,it should bring happiness. When we are in love with someone, they are supposed to enrich our lives, make us feel good about ourselves, joyful.They should not cause us to feel miserable or stupid or ugly or a bad person.When the latter happens the relationship is bad , its harmful to us and it sucks the energy and happiness out of us.I know about the being too good bit, I have been there. I think a lot of women fall into this trap, we are natures nurturers after all.We are taught from babies to put ourselves last, this belief is wrong.We need to honor ourselves, respect ourselves/ demand respect from others especially the men in our lives. To stop giving our hearts or bodies cheaply, to stop giving ourselves away. To have our own lives and not become a symbiotic part of a man.We sometimes tend to meld to men and lose who we are.We cant change anyone in this world, only ourselves and our thinking and behavior..Your man needs to fix himself and you need to remember who you are again,a vibrant women with much to offer .It is hard to know people, if they hide who they are, look at their actions, not what they say.Do they walk the walk or is it cheap words.?.Examine how you feel around them,happy or miserable.. What vibe do they give off, are you comfortable around them. Love is not blind, its clear sighted and true.Neediness is not love and a needy person will choose badly, desperate to fill their emptiness.Desperation and true love are polar opposites,happiness comes from within, neither people nor things can give it.You don't need a partner to be happy, you can be just as happy alone.Plenty of single people are living happy full lives.Plenty of attached are miserable.Get to know yourself fully and know how valuable you are, then no one can devalue you. I wish you luck in your quest for love,wait for the best kind, equal and joyfilled. | |
|
| |
| letting go and moving on
Posted: 6/19/2008 3:11:38 PM |
He called me last night crying and upset and said he was very depressed and sitting in his car and could not go into the house where he is staying because of the caous. There was no water to bath with and no water period. He had not eatten and was mentally not himself. I told him to come over and take a shower I would feed him and he could rest here and I would not bother him at all. He came and ate and took a shower, and proceeded to kiss me and eventually make love to me.
Oh *sob* *sniff* *sob* your story has touched me so deeply, I can't sleep or bathe or eat... err... can I come over? | |
|
| letting go and moving on
Posted: 6/19/2008 3:22:06 PM | | 5 years of counseling is way too long. Sounds like you have an ability to attract those poor guys. I bet it is osychological but why on Earth 5 years to re route that attraction? Your shrink fails you. | |
|
| letting go and moving on
Posted: 6/19/2008 3:23:10 PM | You need to learn how NOT to fall for a sob story. That guy sounds like his entire life is in shambles and he'd be more than happy to allow you to take care of him and bail him out whenever he wants. Grown men down break down and weep over someone they've been dating a few weeks.
I hope you take the time to allow yourself to heal and learn how to avoid these guys. They'll suck the life right out of you. I know, I was married to one for 20 years. Everything was some one elses fault and no matter how rotten he treated me I was supposed to be his Cheerleader 24/7 | |
|
| letting go and moving on
Posted: 6/19/2008 3:43:49 PM |
How about no more dates until you deal with your own issues and get your head straight, that would seem like a much more productive way to proceed than to analyze what's wrong with the men you date.
My thought exactly. 
~OP~ You are a rescuer. I am not capable of diagnosing co-dependency, however, that does spring to mind. Having been there myself, I can tell you ~ it's not their Mothers who are the problem. It's that none of those men you write of, dealt with their own issues prior to forging something with you. You in turn, thought you could fix them. It just doesn't work that way. Take a break. Learn about yourself. Do it on your own, for YOU, no one else. We tend to attract "who" we are ~ sad as that is. JMO | |
|
| letting go and moving on
Posted: 6/19/2008 3:46:39 PM | It's called co-dependancy. And it isn't the men you attract it's you - you are the common denominator. My friend calls it cripple hopping. Hopping from one emotional cripple to the next trying to fix them. Similiar to the Knight in shining armor coming to the rescue of the damsel in distress.
I have yet to see or hear how this ever ends up in a healthy relationship. Usually when the person needing "rescuing or fixing" starts getting healthy and on their own feet (if that ever happens, often they just become or already are emotional vampires sucking you dry), they no longer need the rescuer and leave. Who gets hurt?
Next time he needs a bath or food send him to the local shelter/foodline ect. Not trying to be harsh just real. And an emotional vampire really will drain you dry. You will end up feeling used and abused no matter what. The bottom line tho is YOU are responsible for your decisions, you can't be used if you don't allow it.
PS NO ONE is perfect. If you want a happy relationship then find someone who doesn't NEED you, but truly wants you. | |
|
| letting go and moving on
Posted: 6/19/2008 4:11:32 PM | newyorktomboy,
I had to put closesure to this unhealthy relationship and know that I do not have to beat myself up because he was not emotionally ready.
So you decided to put "closure" to this unhealthy relationship by sleeping with him because you had to find out whether it was purely physical for you? And to make matters worse, you really agree with this.
I feel sorry for men who have had bad childhoods and want to kiss their heart boo boos and make them better and also let them know there are nice women out there that do care.
Now that sounds like the REAL reason. Just my opinion, but I don't think you put closure to this relationship...I seriously think you just wanted to sleep with him, I wouldn't be surprised to see you back on here in another month or so...with the same or similiar situation. | |
|
| letting go and moving on
Posted: 6/19/2008 4:44:08 PM | | Co-dependency has two sides.. the co-dependent, and the enabler. OP, you are the enabler.. I would suggest you read up on co-dependency, and find out where exactly you stand in the cycle, and see if then you can start to break it. When you're always seeking to mend broken bones...you're an enabler for the co-dependent to revel in their destructive and manipulative behaviours.. break the cycle by learning your part, and seeking ways to avoid playing it. Sadly, most of the posters here are correct... fix yourself before you seek to fix anyone else... | |
|
| letting go and moving on
Posted: 6/19/2008 4:44:55 PM |
Learn about yourself. Do it on your own, for YOU, no one else. We tend to attract "who" we are ~ sad as that is.
So very true VGE!
Until you deal with your OWN issues OP, you will constantly be looking to "fix" someone else to avoid the real problem ~ which is in the mirror. I agree there is something to be said for men and the relationships with their mothers, but if you keep going after the same type, as already mentioned ... it is "you" who is the common denominator. And if nothing changes? Nothing Changes!
You can't possibly believe that you can love someone enough to change them, or "help" them into feeling loved and secure, or acting like you expect them to. That already has to be in place for a truly healthy relationship. You can love someone til the cows come home TWICE, and if they're not a happy, stable purrson to start with, you alone can't possible change them ~ quit trying!
I'd say look deep and hard in the mirror and fix what is broken in you instead of trying to fix what's broken in anyone else. After all, broken can't fix broken. 
>>^..^<< | |
|
| letting go and moving on
Posted: 6/19/2008 4:49:04 PM | newyork,
I have not read the rest of the responses because you made one futile mistake for enabling the boy to feel sorry for himself and manipulizing you to enable his behavior. You broke it off, you were ready to move on...and then you heard his voice and crumbled.
You had once made the decision to completely cut ties and live your life....so now comes the time when you need to sh$t or get off the pot. Either you make the break or you sink right back where you started.
Now comes the time for you to take a stand and live your life to your fullest. | |
|
| letting go and moving on
Posted: 6/19/2008 5:00:47 PM | | Preferences may look beutiful on a CV, and yet people forget to look at the person. | |
|
| letting go and moving on
Posted: 6/19/2008 5:13:17 PM | | Your attitude and snotty replies show you haven't gained much from all these years of therapy, except how to say what you think people want to hear. Don't blame the posters for the good advice they give you, take responsibility for your own actions and for how they impact your life. I don't have a thing to lose by your actions, so the pissy little, I'm not perfect, comment is useless. You are only hurting yourself and don't ask for opinions if you don't want to hear what others have to say. Obviously you are not gaining anything from your therapy because you let this loser right back in, let him shower, feed him and then screwed him. Who are you trying to fool? | |
|
| letting go and moving on
Posted: 6/19/2008 6:51:30 PM | | Jordan I did just that. He wanted to rekindle our relationship but I told him its too late and that I have to cut all ties with him. I admit I mad a big mistake and let him come to my house but it was something I had to do. I had to put closure to us and make sure I could do this. I let him come over as a concerned friend and we had no intentions of sleeping together. we both agreed that it was not good to do that. But the desire to hold each other was stronger than our common sense. He wanted to spend the whole weekend with me and do anything i wanted which is a first for him and i turned it down and said I can't do this anymore. I saw my counselor today and shared with her my feelings and she agrees that I need to severe this relationship. So did. He was going to come to my house after work and I told him not too. Its over. I have not heard from him and it does not even bother me. I know its over. I am going out to my blues club and meet up with my friends and have a good time. | |
|
Home
login 
