| How much do you "really" heed the red flags...?
Posted: 6/21/2008 12:18:19 AM | Just wondering... how many of you honestly listen to your instincts about people? If you see red flags pop up, and your intuition shoves a billboard in front of your face that says "This isn't the one either"... do you really consider your feelings or do you put them on a shelf and give things the benefit of a doubt with the person?
I was having a chat with someone the other day about this, and it made me think... I realize that although I do have good instincts about people, I usually never listen to them. Because 100% of the time with no exceptions, there are ALWAYS red flags jumping out at me left and right to say "Uh-uh, not for you"... "Vast disappointment waiting to happen"... "Run you fool, run like the wind"...
Unless it's something really too extreme to get over, I'll usually try to silence my intuitions and give someone a chance... but it's always my instincts that get the last laugh, and I'm left feeling foolish everytime for not listening to my inner voice.
Am I the only fool? | |
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| How much do you really heed the red flags...?
Posted: 6/21/2008 2:46:54 AM | OMG! I can soooooo relate! I have to admit to the very same thing. I can go back to every lousy relationship or marriage and see not just red flags, but flashing neon signs screaming "WARNING - DANGER AHEAD"! But stupid me would just blithely stroll around these signs and plunge headfirst into the abyss.
Since my last husband and I have split (over 3 yrs ago), I have really worked on myself to avoid the pitfalls (more like cravass falls actually) of my younger days. I didn't date for over two years and really became quite content being without a man. I no longer feel I 'need' a man to validate me nor to keep me company. A partner in this life would be a bonus but he's not a necessity.
Also, I have given up my caretaking ways. If a man drinks too much, does drugs, gambles his paycheck away, tries to lay anyone of the female persuasion that is still breathing and has a pulse, has a history of being abusive, has a lousy temper, is totally negative, refuses to hold down a job or any other major personality flaw, I CANNOT and WILL NOT try to 'fix' them.
So now I am noticing even yellow cautions flags. No more disasters for me!! | |
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| How much do you really heed the red flags...?
Posted: 6/21/2008 3:53:05 AM |
So now I am noticing even yellow cautions flags. No more disasters for me!!
Like you, I'm also noticing the caution flags now in addition to the neon red ones. But... sooner or later I'm sure I'll do just as you've done, and I'll blithely stroll around the warning signs and plunge headfirst into the abyss.
Honestly, it's either take a nose-dive into that scary black pit where even fools dare not go... and pray for a miracle that you'll somehow survive the descent... or just stay up on the edge looking down, all alone. I can try to hold off on it for as long as I can but sooner or later all the singledom will get to me too much, and I'll have to throw on my Superman cape to go flying back into the pit. | |
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| How much do you really heed the red flags...?
Posted: 6/21/2008 3:57:14 AM | it's like the thing where when you get over a certain age everyone has baggage, some is worse than others, but figuring out which takes time. Most people are shades of grey rather than black and white. I used to make really bad decisions over people on dating sites. Thing is I didnt know what was dealbreakingly bad until i'd experienced it. These days I have a much better idea. Lot of people dont seem to take the time to figure out where they went wrong. It's much easier to point the blame at other people.
what you're getting into here is cognitive bias. for instance
actor-observer bias is "when (people) tend to attribute their own behavior to their circumstances (i.e., situation causes), but tend to attribute the behaviors of those we observe to their disposition"
and also
irrational belief persistence which "results from according too much weight to evidence that accords with one's belief, and too little weight to evidence that does not" | |
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| How much do you really heed the red flags...?
Posted: 6/21/2008 4:04:41 AM | ForumFilly... I hear you....
All those red flags seemed to reel me in more... I too was a fixer. Not anymore! I am trying to pay attention to those red flags. But some people don't realize they are showing red flags I swear!
I am not seeing the yellow ones yet... but I do see Red...
~Charmed~ | |
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| How much do you really heed the red flags...?
Posted: 6/21/2008 4:08:51 AM |
I too was a fixer. Not anymore!
Well I may as well chime in on that one too... Yes, I also was a "fixer" -- and let me tell you, being a "fixer" made a very damned old man out of me at a very young age.
The thing I've learned about trying to mend an angel's broken wings, is that (A) - it can't be done, it's something they have to do for themself... and (B) - I'll only break my own wings in the attempt.
**Pauses to reach up and sympathetically caress the bumpy stubs where my wings used to be...
It's hell I'm tell'n ya! | |
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| How much do you really heed the red flags...?
Posted: 6/21/2008 4:18:38 AM | Exhausting is very true! Taking on someone else's issues and wearing them like they are your own. That is where all those red flags come into play... I am taking ForumFilly's list adding a few of my own and posting it on the fridge...
I wonder if that is why we do get so tired of dating...
~Charmed~ | |
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| How much do you really heed the red flags...?
Posted: 6/21/2008 6:01:40 AM | No, I am, admittedly, also a fool or at least have been in the past! I'm sure that I'll have more opportunities, in the future, as well :)
In the past, I had red flags "slapping" my face, my instincts screaming at me, but I would ignore them. I'm sure that I could find something good in Charles Manson! (OK, extreme example :)
I am learning how to pay attention to my instincts, but sometimes I'm not sure if I'm just hungry...defining the difference of the feeling in the stomache :)
You can't read all of the people, all of the time and it's hard to decide which instincts to ignore :)
So, call me foolish, you are not alone :) | |
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| How much do you really heed the red flags...?
Posted: 6/21/2008 6:44:43 AM |
Am I the only fool?
Raising hand in the air...welcome to Fools Anonymous!
No, you're not. The last time I ignored red flags I got hurt bad enough that I vowed to never do THAT again. I might see a flag go from green to yellow and will slow down...but if that dang thing starts even remotely loooking like  , I ask myself if he's worth it.
Don't beat yourself up OP...a lot of people won't cop to it. I know someone who married a guy that had enough red flags going on he could have given all of us one (separated and lying about it, owes back taxes--doesn't know how much, wrecked her car, bad enough credit that NONE of the things in their marriage have his name on them, has a PO box still--she has no key)...and she's still married to him cause she's stubborn/stupid/whatever...! | |
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| How much do you really heed the red flags...?
Posted: 6/21/2008 6:55:54 AM | | I do now, but haven't always and like you OP the instinct got the last laugh, now I listen all the time but so many options close but I'm sticking with it | |
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| How much do you really heed the red flags...?
Posted: 6/21/2008 9:11:09 AM | I always heed them. Maybe not when I was young and dumb but once I hit my 30's I realized that instincts are there for a reason and if you don't heed them you have no one to blame but yourself.
I'd rather err on the side of caution and keep the drama off my doorstep. | |
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| How much do you really heed the red flags...?
Posted: 6/21/2008 6:12:38 PM |
once I hit my 30's I realized that instincts are there for a reason and if you don't heed them you have no one to blame but yourself.
So true... but... those instincts are always there with everyone because perfect, ideal matches simply don't exist. Everyone you meet will have the capacity in some way to be entirely, hopelessly wrong for you.
So yeah, we only have ourselves to blame for it if we screw up by not listening to our instincts. But have you ever met anyone that *didn't* set off your instincts? I haven't.  | |
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| How much do you really heed the red flags...?
Posted: 6/21/2008 9:32:51 PM | | ^^^^^Damn "Must", you'll never find anybody with that attitude. I guarantee that you have alot of faults and to instantly pre-screen new potentials because of your idiot past ......simply ridiculous and awful that you'll always be alone since God made you to love and care for a woman and family and for them to love and care for you. | |
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| How much do you really heed the red flags...?
Posted: 6/22/2008 12:39:59 AM |
Damn "Must", you'll never find anybody with that attitude.
... says the guy that's all alone and here fishing just like I am?
Seriously Klopper, if you can judge me that harshly with no more than you know about me than I shudder to think what your opinions of me would be if you actually knew me well. I'm willing to bet that the more judgmental one between you and I, isn't me...  | |
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| How much do you really heed the red flags...?
Posted: 6/22/2008 2:16:33 AM | Huh. It's good to know that I'm not the only one in the world who does this. I was all about giving the benefit of the doubt and telling myself to "just wait a little longer. Things will get better". A situation would arise that I would find upsetting so rather than pouting or keeping it in I would tell my ex how I felt about what was going on. She would look at me, not say much and carry on doing the exact same thing. Red flag right? A partner unwilling to compromise or consider the clearly stated feelings of their SO... You'd like to think so, but I would just acknowledge the warning and walk right past it.... Needless to say, months of resentment towards not being considered or truly cared for (actions speak louder than words!!) ended my relationship.
So now I re-discover who I am and learn not to ignore the warning signs. Anyone who lies, cheats, is unwilling to compromise or acts in a way that is contrary to what they say will have no place in my life. Simple as that... of course it's easier said than done ;) | |
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| How much do you really heed the red flags...?
Posted: 6/22/2008 2:45:49 AM |
Needless to say, months of resentment towards not being considered or truly cared for (actions speak louder than words!!) ended my relationship.
Spongebob, I've so been there... only in my case, I wouldn't ever let it stretch out for months. If I really, really am into someone then I might deal with that sort of thing for a week or two... and really anything beyond a few days of it and things are on borrowed time. When you're sharing and giving of yourself, and it isn't appreciated or reciprocated... it's time for someone to get kicked to the curb. | |
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| How much do you really heed the red flags...?
Posted: 6/22/2008 7:07:03 AM |
But have you ever met anyone that *didn't* set off your instincts? I haven't.
I think there is a HUGE difference between "pet peeves" and "red flags".
I've never met someone who didn't have at least one annoying habit, hell I have a trunk full , but a red flag is a whole different matter.
Perfect example of the "red flag". I went to dinner with this guy from here a few months back and had a really good meal and conversation. When he walked me to my truck to say good night he hugged a bit too tight and asked, "so what do you think of me?" Pet peeve alert...this guy lacks self confidence...not a deal breaker.
Less than 5 minutes later and he hugs me again and makes the soul wrenching comment, "I'm just so lonely." RED FLAG...stalker potential!
I never went out with him again and it took me 4 months to get him to stop calling and sending me emails and trust me I don't have tact and my disinterest was VERY clear. If I hadn't heeded that red flag I probably would have ended up in court getting a restraining order or worse. | |
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| How much do you really heed the red flags...?
Posted: 6/22/2008 8:06:03 AM | I personally always heed the red flags that come across like a giant bad neon sign in the midst of nowhere. lol
I've met all walks of life kind of folks and it's really made me realize that just the MERE words alone which they use can; send up a red flag if you know how to read between the lines. The sad thing is most of these poor saps do not even realize they have crossed that "RED FLAG LINE" territory until later I tell them WHY I won't meet up with them for coffee or whatever, then of course the name calling ensues.
I learned a long time ago even if you ignore it or push it back -- later on if the parties continue to date or meet up or whatever....... It comes back to bite you in the arse...... So that is why I heed them immediately and say "NEXT!".
If I count more than 3 red flags in an initial conversation or email exchange or even in their freaking PROFILE......... He's tossed back into the pond. I haven't been wrong thus far when I do heed those red flag warnings. | |
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| How much do you really heed the red flags...?
Posted: 6/22/2008 10:24:59 AM | Thank God I am not the only "fixer" out there!! Until recently, I never heeded the red flags, and I've found that the more "down on his luck" a guy is, the more I am drawn to them! I have a very strong nurturing/mothering side and always wanna take in those that need help.....the same way I would a stray dog.
However, since I have become aware of this -Mainly cause the last guy I dated was WAY to much drama for me-I've set my standards higher. I'm aware of what I want and not willing to sacrifice anymore. So, I now pay more attention to the red flags. | |
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| How much do you really heed the red flags...?
Posted: 6/22/2008 10:36:09 AM | | "Must"......I have girlfriends so not fishing on here for anything other than friends. Just trying to help you man as you're the one who's obviously had tons of red flags from here and severely venting about it, but refuses to realize the ball is not in your favor so either you change something about yourself or need to move on to a better place so you are happy. | |
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| How much do you really heed the red flags...?
Posted: 7/2/2008 10:00:28 AM | I'm so glad I found this thread. I'm 100% guilty of not acting on the red flags of a man I was emailing for over a week. I know a week doesn't sound like much but he and I shared over 100 emails in that time...okay, I'll never do THAT again either...too much, too fast...yikes! It was like a trainwreck for me. I just couldn't stop. I was so intrigued by this man even though we had almost NOTHING in common from politics to religion to basic core values! But I was learning a lot from him, and in the end he did give me a different perspective to view things from, that I appreciate. HOWEVER, he turned totally psychotic on me, and I've NEVER used that word to describe anyone before.
The last day of our emailing he emailed me over 50 times asking how my day was. The first 3 or 4 times I thought he was just being cute. After that I asked him to stop. After the 15th or time, I implored him to stop, he wouldn't stop. He said he was having fun, he was exploring what it is like to be obessesed with someone else's day. This all began because I said it was nice when someone asked how my day was, and he said that's something a Male would never ask another Male. I reminded him that I'm a Female and that some men actually do care enough to ask. So he asked, and wouldn't stop asking. LOL...bro wrote to me and said it was getting like a game of chicken. Who would buckle first? Well one of us did. Still not sure whom but I told him he was harrassing me and he asked me to stop emailing him. The guy was into control, you think?
So...here are my red flags I PROMISE to follow:
If he has no photo and refuses to send you one. That's a Red Flag
If he won't give you his full name. That's a Red Flag
If he doesn't want to talk on the phone and give you his number. That's a Red Flag
If he lives in the same town as you, and doesn't want to meet you after exhanging several emails. That's a Red Flag
If he puts down your point of view, and tells you he is not open to even considering it. That's a Red Flag
If he's an elitist. That's a Red Flag at least for me.
I'm sure there are others but if ANY of those flags are in play, next time....I'm Scramming!!!!! | |
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| How much do you really heed the red flags...?
Posted: 7/2/2008 10:26:39 AM | If I ruled out every woman that flew a few red flags, there'd be none left to choose from.
My time and energy is better spent identifying and counting green flags. | |
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