| When your fiancee announces that he is bisexual, what would YOU do?
Posted: 6/21/2008 12:38:51 PM | I was happily engaged until about 2 months ago when my fiancee, who I've known since high school, told me that he was bisexual and had been with a man while we were separated. We are now split, of course, but I still don't understand it.
Now there were always people wondering, asking, about if he was gay, etc, he always said no, he never told anyone about it, and we LIVED together for a year and a half and I never knew. He covered it up well. But I felt betrayed because he flat out lied by denying it... then I began to wonder....
It seems so common between women, and I'm a woman and I've NEVER had to urge to go that way with a chick, I'm 200% hetero... but it seems that men are much more judgemental of other men. I don't know if it's really just a matter of personal opinion, but women tend to say, what's the big deal, men tend to say "There's no such thing as a bisexual man, if they like d***, they're gay." But if it was thier girl, they'd wanna watch. It just seems like a double standard IMO, but then again, what he wanted to do went against my morals as a human being, so I checked out... was I wrong? Is it normal, is there such a thing, guys, as a truly bisexual man?
Honest opinions from anyone who wants to give them? :) | |
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| When your fiancee announces that he is bisexual, what would YOU do?
Posted: 6/21/2008 12:45:36 PM | So is this a matter of sexuality of fidelity?
Why did you end it with him. If he had sex with a woman while you were SEPARATED would that have resulted in you ending the relationship?
Did you end it because you were worried because he would not remain faithful to you since he also enjoyed being with men?
OP, with the detail you have provided, I have more of an issue with your behavior as I do his. | |
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| When your fiancee announces that he is bisexual, what would YOU do?
Posted: 6/21/2008 1:05:51 PM | | No, it didn't have anything really to do with he was with someone else while we were separated, male or female. It coulda been a one time thing with the other guy, but he told me that he was generally attracted to men and liked being with them. And then there was me... lol... but the point of it is, I wondered was I really what he wanted, because I kind of felt like I was a cover up, and he was just flat out gay and there's no such thing a bisexual man from the behavior and the things he said... Just wondering from a male point of view in general... is it possible for a man to really be bi? I just worried more about him really being happy, and I felt inadequate at that point because he told me liked something I don't anatomically have to offer. | |
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| When your fiancee announces that he is bisexual, what would YOU do?
Posted: 6/21/2008 1:32:10 PM |
but then again, what he wanted to do went against my morals as a human being, so I checked out... was I wrong?
How on earth can you be wrong? This isn't a right/wrong issue, it's a compatibility issue. You've decided you two aren't compatible and that's cool.
I would've done the same, but not because of the bisexual stuff, but because I wouldn't be able to give him what he needs. It has to be one on one for me. If I'm not enough...shoo!
That said, I've had all kinds of desires that I have no desire to act on. They belong inside where I can play with them cause that's all they are to me...something to play with. | |
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| When your fiancee announces that he is bisexual, what would YOU do?
Posted: 6/21/2008 1:44:07 PM | I would have no issues dating a bisexual man.
If your morals and beliefs as a person went against that... so be it. Good thing he told you berfore you actually got married. It wasn't really wrong to call it quits. It may have, however, been wrong to be judgemental of his sexuality.
...yes, some men are just bisexual. | |
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| When your fiancee announces that he is bisexual, what would YOU do?
Posted: 6/21/2008 1:45:21 PM | Re the Opost
As a 200% hetero as well, but liberal, I do not see what the problem really was that led to the break up. A bi man or woman can be either faithful or not. Same applies for hetero ones. So what was the real problem? Not infidelity, it seems.
What were the morals of the OP the guy violated? | |
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| When your fiancee announces that he is bisexual, what would YOU do?
Posted: 6/21/2008 1:49:26 PM | Hi Brit Bit,
I can speak from present experiences. Without going into details lets say that curiosity led to a 3 yr affair that I was clueless to. I knew going into the relationship that he was bi and he assured me I was what he wanted. That promise did not stand the test of time. I think what you are feeling is very profound and rightly so. I wondered the same thing but after having had 6 months to let time begin to heal, I realize that yes men can truly be bi and not strictly gay. I know his love for me is very strong but that does not make it OK. It is very hard also to come to terms that you can not compete against someone from the opposite sex and your right, you can't automatically offer what he wants. It will shake your self confidence to the very core. I know it did mine. You are very lucky to have found out before you were married and have to make some harder choices down the line. I wish you well. | |
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| When your fiancee announces that he is bisexual, what would YOU do?
Posted: 6/21/2008 3:15:35 PM | | As a bisexual female, I believe that a relationship is sacred. You open up to talk about your sexuality from the begining, there is no reason he should have been hiding his sexuality from you. You did good..........and yes I believe there are true bisexual men. | |
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| When your fiancee announces that he is bisexual, what would YOU do?
Posted: 6/21/2008 4:31:59 PM | If a man is bisexual, I would think it very, very difficult for him to marry a woman and resist the temptations of sleeping with a man for the next 60 years.
He could resist other women because he has you. But could he stay away from men?
And never "give in?"
In his mind he may not be cheating because it is not with another woman and if fidelity is important to you, well, I think you made the right choice. | |
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| When your fiancee announces that he is bisexual, what would YOU do?
Posted: 6/21/2008 5:18:23 PM | Re post 14:
It is tricky to extrapolate!
"If a man is bisexual, I would think it very, very difficult for him to marry a woman and resist the temptations of sleeping with a man for the next 60 years."
I am 100% hetero and it is very, very, very difficult for me to marry a woman and resost the temptatios of sleeping with another woman for the next 10 years, let alone 60!
"He could resist other women because he has you. But could he stay away from men?
And never "give in?""
Faulty logic IMO again, because I do not think that all women are the same. So "having" one woman does not kill the lust for another! Because each woman is unique!
"In his mind he may not be cheating because it is not with another woman and if fidelity is important to you, well, I think you made the right choice."
I am not bi, so I cannot even begin to guess what a bi man thinks re that! | |
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| When your fiancee announces that he is bisexual, what would YOU do?
Posted: 6/21/2008 6:32:15 PM | | There are bisexual men, and there is nothing immoral or wrong about being bisexual. Bisexuality has no effect on monogamy either way, any more than heterosexuality or homosexuality would. You are both better off apart from each other because you need a man who is 100% straight and he needs a woman who understands and accepts bisexuality. | |
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| When your fiancee announces that he is bisexual, what would YOU do?
Posted: 6/21/2008 6:47:00 PM | | A firmly commited Monogamous partner is the goal for any relationship (well for most anyways) - so why would it matter - especially if you love him and desire to be with him in a marriage! If he can stay true to you then you should have no worries as long as he keeps his commitments at home - regardless of his sexuality! | |
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| When your fiancee announces that he is bisexual, what would YOU do?
Posted: 6/21/2008 6:47:08 PM | | I think that he should have been open from the beginning about his sexuality, but then again he probably had his reasons for not being up front about it. I am a bisexual female, but it took me a long time to admit that to myself and even longer to begin to tell other people, including people I was dating or in a relationship with. I still have a long way to go infact, most of my family and my bestfriend, who are all conservative, still don't know. It takes alot of nerve to share that. So it is likely that he just didn't know how to bring it up and if he loved you, which he probably did if he wanted to marry you, he was afraid if he told you, knowing it went against your morals, he'd loose you. Which of course he did in the end. I'm not saying your wrong for splitting, especially if him being bisexual went against your morals, I'm just trying to give you some insight into how he probably felt. Things are usually shades of grey and not black and white. | |
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| When your fiancee announces that he is bisexual, what would YOU do?
Posted: 6/21/2008 8:17:27 PM | | I'm sure there are true "bi" men. My last serious relationship, the girl told me that she was bi-sexual. Now ,she never went out and slept with another woman while we were together (as far as I know)....but I could tell that when there were certain girls around she would almost salivate at times. lol I could tell she still had a thing going on there. I guess I'm like the OP because I'm not into that either. I remember one late night watching a movie a woman with a huge set of boobs came on screen (not a porn) out of nowhere and my girl looked almost hypnotized....she then immediately went for a shower at like 2 in the morning and was in there for a long period of time. I knew what was up so I went and took a peek. She was masterbating furiously in there! lmao | |
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| When your fiancee announces that he is bisexual, what would YOU do?
Posted: 6/21/2008 8:26:50 PM | Brit Bit,
You have alot of questions in this thread, so I will try to give my insight on each of them one at a time. First, your title is a question on what actions should be taken when an engaged female finds out that her partner is Gay. To that end, I have a hard time giving advices as I have never been in those shoes, but taking a leap here, I think I would do what you did and break down the issues as the stand. Your first issue seems to be that his integrity is suspect. Some folks on thread have argued that it might be hard to tell the truth and that everything comes in shades of gray. In my mind that is a sophistry. Human relationships may be dynamic, but truth is truth, and integrity is integrity; there is no "gray" in the matter. The difficulty of telling the truth is not relevant to the "Truth". That is why they call it character...if you can't do the hard things in life you lack character. So drilling this down, you have grounds to walk away from any relationship when someone's integrity is suspect. Integrity is the core building block of all meaningful relationships...its about truth, honor, and respect. All of which your Ex felt was not worth sharing with you.
Your second question was really a restatement of the first. "Was it wrong?" This is truly a personal view that no one can give you an absolute on...that gray thing. If you demand character and integrity....which you have basically stated...then it is not wrong to walk away from a partner who has failed to show theses traits. On the other hand, if the integrity is a core value you hold dear in your relationships, then your unwillingness to accept his lies and forgive him his transgressions can be seen as "wrong". Only you can decide the righteousness of your decision. We can not.
Final question. Is there such thing as a Bi-Sexual male. This really comes down to a definition. If the a male is sexual attracted to members of both sexes and is interested in engaging in sexual activity with both genders, then they would typically be classified as Bi-Sexual. Note: this does not mean that they are not gay. The term gay refers to an individual that is attracted to members of the same sex. Bi-Sexual is not exclusive..its inclusive. Here is what I mean by this. Take a pen and draw a circle on a sheet of paper. Inside the circle write the word Heterosexual. Next, draw another circle on the same sheet of paper where the second circle intersects (crosses over) the first circle. Write the word Homosexual in the area that does NOT intersect with the Heterosexual area. Now shade the area that the two circles have in common. This area is the Bi-Sexual realm. Any male that falls in that area is in fact "Gay", given that they are attracted to members of the same sex. They are also heterosexual, as they are attracted to members of the opposite sex. The conflict in many people's minds comes in when you try to say that both circles are mutually exclusive due to the definition of hetero/homo sexuality. But the reality is something different. People fall in one of the 3 sections. Heterosexual...no cross over (200% you), Bi-Sexual...the shaded mutual area, and Homosexual no cross over into the shaded area. So to answer your final question...Yes..there are Bi-Sexual men as there are Bi-Sexual women. They are the cross over zone.
One final thought for you that isn't directed at your questions. The most basic of human conditions is the instinctual need to be accepted and loved. With out contact and an emotional connection to other humans, human beings like most primates tend to fall ill and die. This is really a condition of any socialized animal and homo sapients are no different. The simple truth is that with out love...human beings perish. That said, even if you believe that homosexuality is "sexual deviance" or a divergence from natural design, it does not counter nor negate the reality that a "divergent" human being needs physical touch and love too. It is so powerful of a drive that we will do nearly anything to feel loved and share love. For one moment...look inside yourself and answer this question. Do you need to feel loved and is it core to your being?!? I'm pretty certain I know what the answer is and with that in mind, you may want to look past the religious intolerance that drives the "moral" argument against sexual attraction of the same gender. It may truly not be right for you...but that does not mean that the desire to be loved is wrong....be it sexually deviant from the norm or not.
Kindest Regard
Chris
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| When your fiancee announces that he is bisexual, what would YOU do?
Posted: 6/21/2008 8:42:33 PM | I agree with what you did, he cheated and kept staying with you even though he was not the type or person you where sure he was
and I personally say it;s a choice: just like I choose women over other dudes
Women are sexy, guys are gross and im a guy so im calling myself gross lol | |
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| When your fiancee announces that he is bisexual, what would YOU do?
Posted: 6/21/2008 9:06:08 PM | I think there is a little biology in there too..
There have been studies where they showed men and women sexual images and with most women they showed a physical reation to just about any sexual image... but Men only had a reaction to what they would say turned them on.
In the study they measured increased blood flow to the genitals, and while the women might have "said" she wasn't aroused, her body reacted. That is not to say that every woman is like that.
But to answer your question...
Some people go to great lengths to believe there is only Black and White when it comes to sexuality. The reality is there is a lot of grey in between.
The Kinsey Homosexuality Scale really puts it in to perspective.
Males do not represent two discrete populations, heterosexual and homosexual. The world is not to be divided into sheep and goats. It is a fundamental of taxonomy that nature rarely deals with discrete categories... The living world is a continuum in each and every one of its aspects...
http://www.kinseyinstitute.org/resources/ak-hhscale.html
0- Exclusively heterosexual with no homosexual
1- Predominantly heterosexual, only incidentally homosexual
2- Predominantly heterosexual, but more than incidentally homosexual
3- Equally heterosexual and homosexual
4- Predominantly homosexual, but more than incidentally heterosexual
5- Predominantly homosexual, only incidentally heterosexual
6- Exclusively homosexual | |
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