| Is 44 too old to become a father?
Posted: 6/21/2008 3:04:19 PM | I would really like to get a public opinion response on this issue; I have heard from a few women, mostly negative, but not much feedback from the fellas. I'm 44, and single for the first time in a long time. I really want to get married and start a family, but the last 2 relationships (2 in 14 years, both long-term) didn't work out. Now that I honestly post my intentions on this site, I get some good advice, some not-so-helpful advice, and a few "get real, dude" type responses.
I am physically healthy, not the ugliest fella in the world, a good job, a house, nice cars, stable, financially secure, a good cook, and GREAT in bed; I constantly hear stories about women in their 40's having children nowadays; why the negative backlash for a guy in his 40's? | |
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| Is 44 too old to become a father?
Posted: 6/21/2008 3:16:18 PM | My parents were older when I was born..my dad was your age actually.
I lost my mum when I was about to turn 18 and my dad 5 years ago.
Both of them suffered long term illness so I was a carer for them both from the age of 13 for my mum, once she died there was a gap of 7 years and then it was 12 years of caring for my father.
With my mum having been so ill from when I was about 4 years old I decided that if I wasn't settled and ready for children by about 25 that I wouldn't have any.
I didn't want my kids going through what I did at such a young age. | |
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| Is 44 too old to become a father?
Posted: 6/21/2008 3:38:21 PM | Sweetie, your not too old to become a father. See I was the same as you. A couple of long term relationships that didn't work out. I'm planning on becoming a single mom myself with no father in the picture. I figure at my age there's no point in dating anyone. I do enjoy hanging out with male friends but I would much be happier raising children on my own than to be in a relationship with someone who probably already has kids. At least there won't be any competition. Do what you think is right for you and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. There's plenty of older parents out there. There's lots of sites that have support groups for older people becoming parents for the first time. Good Luck. | |
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| Is 44 too old to become a father?
Posted: 6/21/2008 3:42:32 PM | Nah...after all, schools offer handicapped parking now...so when it's time for graduation you will have no worries! 
Seriously...it's a personal choice between you and the mom! Men in their 70's have been know to physically be able to impreganate a women, though I am not sure it was their best choice to do such! LOL
I personally think I and my children benefitted from having a young parent...I am still young now that they are grown...and I have the needed energy for my grandson! ;) | |
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| Is 44 too old to become a father?
Posted: 6/21/2008 4:40:16 PM | In a world where so many "babies are making babies", without the emotional resilience, patience or resources to cope you'll have a clear idea of what you are signing up for . Tick
Hopefully by now you'll have a stable home and reasonable finances to pay for food, shelter, education etc. Tick
You'll be a committed parent for the long haul. Tick
Go for it - your forties is not your dotage ffs! If a child is something you want, why give up your dream because of other people's opinions? Busy bodies aren't the ones who'll be coping with the stroppy teen or getting up in the night to change nappies - you will. The only opinion that will matter when you are sitting in your rocking chair with your pipe and slippers will be that of the child and his/her mother. | |
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| Is 44 too old to become a father?
Posted: 6/21/2008 5:10:32 PM | personally I think that you should of became a father at a younger age. Your 40's is too old. You will be a senior by the time the child is a teenager.
It is stressful for people to have to worry about an aging parent. Keep that in mind before opening your zipper to become a parent.
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| Is 44 too old to become a father?
Posted: 6/21/2008 5:17:20 PM | Forgot to add my adoptive mother adopted me when she was in her 40's, she is getting up there in years, and she has different health problems, it is quite stressful for me helping her, as a caregiver..
If someone chooses to have a baby, no matter who they are, the child may have to take care of the aging parent along the way. Do you want that? It is stressful. I wish there was an easier solution! | |
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| Is 44 too old to become a father?
Posted: 6/21/2008 5:57:53 PM | OP: No 40 isn't to old. My grandfather was 47 when my dad was born, and my Grandmother was 46... Grampa unfortunately passed when he was 66, however Grandmas lived into her 80's
My Dad was 29 when I was born... and I lost him when I was 19 (he was 48) I enjoyed my time with him... I miss him.. but I learned so much from him.
I think that as long as you are comfortable in a relationship... then go ahead.. We don't plan how long we're on this earth... You may live to be in your 90's!!
If someone chooses to have a baby, no matter who they are, the child may have to take care of the aging parent along the way. Do you want that? It is stressful. I wish there was an easier solution
Beth, I understand what you are saying, Unfortunately this is part of life... I don't think it would it make it any easier if someone had their child when they were 25... their child grew up, and when the parent was 45 they had a stroke and their 20 year old had to help care for them?? life hands us lemons sometimes... and we really need to make lemonade instead of sour faces... | |
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| Is 44 too old to become a father?
Posted: 6/21/2008 6:08:28 PM | OP if it's something that can make you happy and make you feel great just to keep waking up every morning... then go for whatever your heart desires and don't give a second thought to your age. That's how I look at it.  | |
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| Is 44 too old to become a father?
Posted: 6/21/2008 6:08:50 PM | It is really your choice OP and there seems to be different answers here going both ways. You are 44 now so you will be a few years older than that if/by the time you have a child.
You will be in your 60's and your child will be a teenager.
blueskies123 Your post broke my heart. And I agree with you. Sure we can all die or catch a terminal illness at anytime but the numbers are way way higher when you are in your sixties.
I constantly hear stories about women in their 40's having children nowadays; why the negative backlash for a guy in his 40's?
The health risks for baby and momma are higher after 40. Extremely higher numbers. So I feel the same way about women having children in their forties. Too late. I wonder who will guide all these children once their parents have passed away? I worry about not being here long enough to get my children settled into being adults at my age. I'd drive myself sick with worry just starting at your age.
I would like to have another child but I feel it is not in the best interest of the child so of course I won't for my own want.
Good luck with your decision OP | |
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| Is 44 too old to become a father?
Posted: 6/21/2008 6:17:21 PM | As men we can father a child at any age (up to the planting) BUT the biggest question is can you BE a father, at any age?
I have questioned this myself. I would like to have another child but honestly if I knew I would have lived this long I would have taken better care of myself!! Truly I get new aches and pains weekly, would this be a good time to have a baby?
And as one of the other posters mentioned you would be in your 60's when they graduated... is that a parent or a grand parent?
I think for myself that I would like to find a woman who would consider adopting, there are so many great kids that don't get a great chance in life because they are not babies.
But it is a two way decision, that has to be the best choice for all involved
Big Al
PS: they say that there maybe upwards of 25,000 orphaned children from the Chinese earthquake. | |
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| Is 44 too old to become a father?
Posted: 6/21/2008 8:13:58 PM | WOW! Thanks for all the support, guys and gals! Those of you who had negative personal experiences to relate, I am sorry for what you had to go through. Death and dying are very difficult on the survivors, not just the victim; not many people seem to realize that.
Yes, biologically, having children while young and healthy seems to be the least risky, but in my years of counseling inmates, I learned very well the lesson that children having children just doesn't work.
I know; no one is REALLY ready to have children, but I feel like I am alot closer to being ready than I was when I was 18... or 25... or 35.
As far as I know, adopting Chinese children may make good sense, and is the humaniitarian thing to do, but single men don't usually get to adopt.
Thanks again for all the feedback! :)
-Sincerely,
Chris | |
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| Is 44 too old to become a father?
Posted: 6/21/2008 8:57:28 PM | Go for it!! my grandpa was 44 when my mom was born- grandma was 37. he lived to 88, grandma to 94 1/2. Old enough to see my brother's kids. Some people just think old. I'm 41 and still want kids- and nobody is going to change my mind. hey- I'm doing roller derby and kicking butt on 20 somethings 
Too bad you live so far away- I'm a blackbelt too......... | |
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| 120 is the limit....
Posted: 6/21/2008 8:59:34 PM | According to the Talmud, Moses fathered his last son at 120...
Lets see, you are financially secure. Any thing happens to you, Chris, the child is taken care of..
SO GO FOR IT ...  | |
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| Is 44 too old to become a father?
Posted: 6/21/2008 9:00:15 PM | So, elfwitch, you still want kids, too? Don't suppose you'd be interested in traveling to Connecticut, USA? :)
-Chris | |
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| I saw her first!!
Posted: 6/21/2008 9:27:43 PM | Well, I think I'm better looking, and have more to offer. so HA!
Thanks for the chin-up (RE: Moses, the Talmud, etc.) Sometimes I forget to ask these things under I and Thou, and forget that it's really not up to me. Thank you for (oh so obliquely) reminding me of that.
-Chris | |
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| Is 44 too old to become a father?
Posted: 6/21/2008 9:50:05 PM |
why the negative backlash for a guy in his 40's?
From who sweetie? A few women tell you their opinion isn't backlash...it's their opinion, nothing more.
And just an odd question...who do you think those 40-something women are having kids with? Uh huh...40-something men!!
Go find your lady and who CARES what other people say??? It's your life isn't it?? | |
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| Is 44 too old to become a father?
Posted: 6/21/2008 10:21:09 PM | Hi Chris -
I think this is a very personal and individual decision, perhaps one you'd be better off asking for input on from those who know you and your specific circumstances.
That said, my younger sister, an RN who specialized in labor & delivery, then became certified as a midwife, and is now a lactation consultant, had her first child when she was near her mid 30s and her husband closer to 40, and they had their last - on purpose - when my sister was 42 and her husband 46. All 3 children are perfectly healthy and "normal" in every way. My sister and her husband are also both very healthy, active individuals; there is no reason to think there is any higher chance their children will suddenly be orphaned than children of 20- or 30-something year old new parents.
If you became a father when you were...say, 46, your child would graduate high school when you are about 64. Big deal. How many children out there today are being raised by grandparents? And how many have no father in the picture at all?
It's your life, your decision. My advice would be to make it with the woman who is to be the mother and your doctor/s. Good luck! | |
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| Is 44 too old to become a father?
Posted: 6/21/2008 10:48:08 PM | It's funny you know...you have established yourself and you're probably in a better place now financially, emotionally and all that, for kids, yet you are getting judged for it.
I wish MORE people would consider the ramifications of having children and wait until they've got their shit together.
I think it's better that kids have parents who are older than is the norm, than kids be stuck with parents who have nothing, know nothing and are crappy parents. | |
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| Is 44 too old to become a father?
Posted: 6/21/2008 11:09:08 PM | I hope 44 isn't too old! Hell, I just turned 47, and I haven't quite given up yet. Of course, without even having a special lady in my life right now, it makes it kind of difficult.
Like so many have said, you are older, and more established now, and should be in a much, much better place to handle all the responsibilities that go along with being a father. And with people living longer, and being much more healthy and active during that longevity, some of the old arguments against having a child later in life don't apply. As someone in the same situation, I can only give you two tidbits of advice; first, be realistic about the possibilities, and that you might not find a woman who wants to have a child with you at that age. And most importantly, don't worry so much about the having kids part; worry about finding the right woman first, and the two of you can build a future together, whether it includes children or not. Good luck! | |
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| Is 44 too old to become a father?
Posted: 6/21/2008 11:12:45 PM |
Lets see, you are financially secure. Any thing happens to you, Chris, the child is taken care of..
Money doesn't heal anything.
A mansion full of Webkinz wouldn't make a child feel better that lost their parent. | |
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| Is 44 too old to become a father?
Posted: 6/21/2008 11:35:50 PM | People seem to be forgetting that LOTS of people die young.
Just because a person becomes a parent at 18 doesn't secure their chances of living to a ripe, old age.
Just like becoming a parent at 44 doesn't mean your child will be attending kindergarten as an orphan.
(For the love of God...my cat has decided lately that she HAS to be at my computer, right on the keyboard, while I'm typing...I had a big spiel typed out, she highlighted it AND deleted it...by sitting on the mouse.)
Anyway...after placing the cat in another room...
My great-grandmother died at 106, just two months shy of her 107th. She was in her early 40's when she had her youngest child. He got to have his mom for almost 65 years of his life.
There is no guarantee that an older parent is going to die right away and there is no guarantee that a younger parent is going to live forever.
Why should the OP not have children based on "what ifs"?
My concerns would be:
Will you be a good father?
Can you provide? Not a lavish lifestyle but can you afford food, diapers and the basics?
Will you be a man who cherishes his child and values his child's happiness?
(I think that's a trait TOO MANY parents are missing).
These are more important than the numbers on your birth certificate. | |
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| Is 44 too old to become a father?
Posted: 6/22/2008 2:44:54 AM | who do you think those 40-something women are having kids with? Uh huh...40-something men!!
Well Ive always wanted another child...but have pretty much gotten used to the idea it wont ever happen now .
I wanted 3 by 30...and when that didnt happen...I thought maybe 35....and now Im nearly 40...well... I think my second chance at a new life, another marriage and a bigger family is gone :-(
I fully understand the concern about the carer side of things...but I think even at my age now...Id only be 60 when the child was 20. 60 isnt old by any means.
People seem to be forgetting that LOTS of people die young.
And thats the truth too...its just as likely to happen at any time.
I lost my father when I was only small and he was under 30...so sometimes shit happens. Doesnt matter how well we plan life. | |
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| Is 44 too old to become a father?
Posted: 6/22/2008 2:57:30 AM | | I agree age has nothing to do with when people die or have a family. The key to having a family at whatever age is that you cherish that child for what it is a blessing you do your utmost for it suport it etc and most of all you move with the times you keep your outlook young. I have an adult family and then a 3 year old I am now 46. I am enjoying it more the second time around I am not easily swayed by Pier pressure on how to raise my child I have more time for her and I appreciate her more for what she is not just an offspring. I do worry about dying before she has reached adulthood but then I worried about dying 25 years ago when I had my first child. I'd say go for it. | |
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