| helping each other get over domestic violence and sexual abuse
Posted: 6/22/2008 10:01:56 AM | | this is not a self pity thread ....this is a thread for all people who have been abused one way or another to talk and share there stories to help others ....i belive when you have been abused it helps to talk .....even yrs after the avent ...i have stayed in womens aid refuges ...even though they were scarey times we could talk to each other and help each other through ....ive noticed on a few threads about domestic violence we get critism....why i do not no ....i would start by telling my story but mine is still on going ...i have posted on other threads on the same topic ...this is not about me ...this is a thread about helping each other get through abuse ...all types | |
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| helping each other get over domestic violence and sexual abuse
Posted: 6/22/2008 11:19:28 AM | I think the reason we get so much critism is because It is so frustrating looking at it from the outside in... while it is a whole different world looking from in the inside out.
Even as a survivor that went thro it and sort of understands whats really behind all of it, its still maddening to me. Even your story is still going on and you have already spent time in womens aid refuges. I have heard some women never leave it is an addiction. They say it takes an average of leaving and coming back 7 times. Thats the same as smoking cigarettes!! lol... I know that when you do leave your whole life gets a million times better!
Abusers confuse your mind so badly. I once was good friends with a guy I had dated and broken up with. We hung out all the time.... for three years I wasn't even his gf and in the end I realized he was abusive all along. Not obviously tho. I went thro some hard times and he made me believe I was crazy and needed his help. That all my friends were terrible people and he was the only good one. I was always being so selfish and he wanted to be invited everywhere and we would fight about it. He got close to my family and when I told him to back off I need some space to be alone with my family and that he was taking the place of a boyfriend. He would say I care too much about what other people think... Whenever I had an opinion he would blame it on me being so worried about what other people think....
Even when he would use the word t i t in public ( i don't like it) and told him i don't like it he would pinch me. It infuriated me! He would say that he can say ( and pinch ) whatever he wanted. I still didn't know he was abusive! (that should have been the hugest red flag !!! )
I figured it out tho, one day I wanted to be alone and tried to leave and he barricaded the door, stole my car keys, then my car... I called my sister she was all ready to call the police, the guy came back said that i promised him to give him a ride home. He had to drivemy car tho (there was no changing his mind) and then drove all the way south while he lived north and he talked to me really mean accusing me of telling people he was hitting me. Picked up his friend and changed the entire story to make me look like the crazy one. I should've let my sister call the police, in that situation you don't know till retrospect.
Thanks OP
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| helping each other get over domestic violence and sexual abuse
Posted: 7/3/2008 3:21:42 PM | I think maybe you have to go through it to know it..............
It was the same when my son was killed...........many people just dont know what to say...people dont want to recognize the pain for fear of it someday happening to them........its just easier to disconnect...........
I say I hope you never have to experience abuse of any kind...and you dont have to understand those that have....you cant actually...........listening is the best help you can give them.....without passing judgements...........
Each of us has our own journey to travel in that respect...........a helping hand from those that are furthur along the path is more useful than one sometimes recognizes............maybe... ..just maybe......the helping of others will help us.......... | |
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| helping each other get over domestic violence and sexual abuse
Posted: 7/3/2008 3:38:13 PM | | yes pretty moon i feel the same as you ...im so sorry to hear about the lose of your son ..how on earth did you cope with that ...i no how it felt when i lost my dad it broke my heart but to lose a child ...my heart goes out to you ..we each have our journeys as you said and it helps me to help others ...you take care biggest hugs joolsy | |
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| helping each other get over domestic violence and sexual abuse
Posted: 7/3/2008 3:42:21 PM | | hello ladts my name is i lovewomenxx and i can relate to all your stories i just got out of a real bad relation ship with a crazy acoholic on 5/15/08 she stabbed me 5 times for what i really dont know till this day she was drinking at the time it had happened . but im doing alot better since im away from her . i just thank jesus every day that im alive | |
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| helping each other get over domestic violence and sexual abuse
Posted: 7/3/2008 5:25:45 PM |
a helping hand from those that are furthur along the path is more useful than one sometimes recognizes............maybe... ..just maybe......the helping of others will help us...
It does help both ways, pretty moon, no matter how far ahead or how far behind one is on the path of healing. Actually, if you think about it, where one is - is where they are, so is there actually a "further along" or "farther behind"? I think not, as to arrive at the destination, one must focus on the journey.
No, people don't know what to say. Sometimes it's too close to "home" in that it could have happened to their son, or their daughter; could be their husband abusing them and so on. So the reaction sometimes is to avoid through indifference, judge as though things like that could never happen to them, as though in doing so they preserve their belief that bad things don't happen to good people. Bad things do happen to good people all the time, yet it doesn't make good people bad.
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| helping each other get over domestic violence and sexual abuse
Posted: 7/4/2008 1:48:06 PM | strangely enough, having been in a similar situation for quite a while, it is because other people, especially those close to you who keep offering help, telling you ways out, to have law enforcement intervene, documenting injuries by seeking medical help, on and on and on, and tho the victim knows that's what to do, they drag it on and on out of fear perhaps, but mostly because they have convinced themselves the idiot is going to miraculously change. I learned one thing, once i started sending the abuser to jail , having their bonds revoked a few times, and their pocketbook became $50K lighter, they were having a lot less fun. Once they go to jail, coming after you again becomes retaliation and can carry 20 years in prison, my advice is to put them all there
Once they have this on their criminal record, the getting away with it is all over | |
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| helping each other get over domestic violence and sexual abuse
Posted: 7/5/2008 10:45:35 AM |
especially those close to you who keep offering help, telling you ways out, to have law enforcement intervene, documenting injuries by seeking medical help, on and on and on, and tho the victim knows that's what to do, they drag it on and on out of fear perhaps, but mostly because they have convinced themselves the idiot is going to miraculously change.
I wish it were so simple, caskey, on the latter part of the above statement. It's not that simple though and I wouldn't quantify the convincing of themselves, etc. to apply to most.
The abusers actually do change as promised - yet they DO NOT SUSTAIN the promised change.
Let's take the basic concept of marriage, traditionally and the vows. Generally speaking, people don't enter into a marriage with the idea of it being temporary. Factor in religious beliefs and influences - all of this impacts on the abusive relationship and the victim's decision to leave. In the midst of the cycle that progressively escalates, there is also an internal struggle that directly correlates to our very integrity in some cases.
In my situation, if I am to be honest with myself - the fear factor was irrelevant as I was going to die whether I stayed or not (not a belief but a fact I was constantly reminded of and it wasn't that he feared me being with anyone else, he wanted me out of the way as I a major obstacle between he and his desire to make his own child in the role of his wife - dead serious about that).
At the end of the day, it was the inner conflict between vows I took that I meant to uphold when I spoke them. For better or worse - there were no degrees of worse in those vows. Factor also that I was very active in the church and that the pastor was very involved with counseling us both. Yet I had to reconcile within myself the promise I had made when I took those vows.
I couldn't do that until the day my little girl's life clearly was at risk as much as mine was and the motivator for me to flee with her was simple - of higher priority to any promises I made to my husband was my duty of care to my little girl to whom God entrusted me with. That her father was the one who put her at risk wasn't even relevant. The moment he insisted that I drive her to day care in the very car that had a serious stream of gasoline pouring out on the hot manifold was the moment I reconciled that "dilemma" for me about any marriage vows of better or worse. As her parent and mother, it was on me to put aside everything else and put her safety top of the list.
Ironically, as I learned after the fact in counseling (although at that time with a minister of another denomination) - my ex had already broken his vows as simply as not loving his wife as Christ loved the church. In other words, when he crossed that line - there was no more marriage to honor. Crow flies both ways in the big picture as victimization from abuse is not a club exclusive to women.
I think it's a fair statement that more often than not, in the marriages to these abusers, those of us who find ourselves victims don't take our vows lightly when we make them.
Just another perspective for consideration. | |
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| helping each other get over domestic violence and sexual abuse
Posted: 7/5/2008 3:28:28 PM | | yes i agree angel heart ..... yes i guess i took my marriage vows to seriously i married for better or worse i stayed 4 26yrs ....my girls said of there father all we asked of him was to love our mum .......he has had no contact with them.....all i asked was for him to love and care for his children | |
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| helping each other get over domestic violence and sexual abuse
Posted: 7/15/2008 11:12:15 AM | yes i guess i took my marriage vows to seriously i married for better or worse
joolsy - on the for better or worse part: a minister put that into perspective for me. The husband was directed to love the wife as Christ so loved the church. Nowhere in that statement does it give the husband permission or privilege to abuse in any manner the wife. While the wife is directed to submit to the husband, no where even by implication is it stated that the wife must subject herself to abuse in any manner.
Where the perspective came in on the big picture is that even divorce is not an unforgivable sin. Somewhere, I think in the old testament, it is written about not making a vow or a promise lightly. I interpret that along the same lines as be careful what you ask for. It's easy to make promises with every intention to keep them, until we find ourselves in the position of recognizing that we didn't exercise due diligence in making the vow in the first place. Due diligence in the sense of seeing the whole picture, not just the pretty parts but the shadows as well. Then we are in over our head usually.
I grasp that other faiths have different beliefs and embrace those differences. However, I can only offer that which is relevant to my faith. At the end of the day, the marriage vows were broken the moment the abuser abused the victim.
P.S. Welcome annabanana | |
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| helping each other get over domestic violence and sexual abuse
Posted: 7/15/2008 12:35:52 PM | I wish the best for everyone dealing with these types of challenges.
Two things which have seemed to help many survivors:
1. Focus on your spiritual life and on availing yourself of spiritual resources which will keep you on the path of healing and self-betterment. The tendency to gravitate towards abusive situations has to be broken and replaced with the ability to seek out healthy, supportive relationships. It's a day-to-day, ongoing process of learning to change from the inside out.
2. Learn to recognize and actively choose amongst multiple options in life (in relationships, career, hobbies, vacation spots, etc). There are ALWAYS multiple options in life, and survivors often need to relearn that the either-or predicaments presented by abusers are false dilemmas. There is ALWAYS a third, fourth, fifth option for any situation in life. Survivors benefit when they reprogram themselves mentally to recognize their full range of options in life. The future is open and unlimited if one can only realize it.
Good luck to everyone. Things can get better and improve if you believe in the truth and in yourself. | |
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| helping each other get over domestic violence and sexual abuse
Posted: 7/15/2008 8:46:19 PM | | Will I've been watching out for a friend of mine for many years but I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired she just drinks and yells and screams with the exception of her chasing my neighbors boyfriend....The poor guy the look on his face..Yea I got her a referral from my landlord shes my neighbor from HELL!!! And I'm codadependant of the year..I know about the 12 steps and the whole 9 yards I always went beyond the call of duty with people because I got alot of help but I'm afraid before the night is over I'm going to have to call the police and that's a real hard thing for me to do, thanks for letting me share....Byrd | |
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| helping each other get over domestic violence and sexual abuse
Posted: 7/16/2008 4:11:08 AM | | Byrd - call the police anyway. Sometimes what we feel isn't being helpful is actually the best help we can give. You know? She's gotta bottom out before anything can change and as long as she is "protected" from the consequences of her drinking, why should she seek to change anything? | |
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| helping each other get over domestic violence and sexual abuse
Posted: 7/16/2008 4:30:19 AM | That depends on y0u, lindylo, and how motivated you are to heal and to confront whatever blinded you to the red flags that were waving at the onset. The fastest way to prolong healing time is to jump into another relationship which more often than not results in adding more to heal from.
In those 9 years, you learned some behaviors and strategies that were necessary for the situation. Those don't just disappear once away from the abuser, yet are not appropriate if one wants a healthy relationship in the future. There's also trust issues that have to be sorted out, plus red flags that were there at the beginning yet somehow weren't seen. So on...
Best thing to do is go into counseling with a group or individual counselor experienced in abuse issues - before even beginning to contemplate dating. | |
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| helping each other get over domestic violence and sexual abuse
Posted: 7/16/2008 4:34:21 AM | | No lindylo .i was in an abused marriage for 26yrs ...life is wonderful now ...you will to,i understand how you feel hunny i still carry the scars and have a bit of trouble walking .but just to be free lindylo has given me a whole new life to live ..leave the damage behind you got a brand new life ....hugs joolsy | |
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| helping each other get over domestic violence and sexual abuse
Posted: 7/16/2008 7:51:20 AM | | I didn't call the police but I'm sure someone did and they probably didn't want to show up..."I'm sorry but were real busy right now we will try to get someone there but it may be acouple hours, days, weeks, months, or maybe we won't show up at all.." I'm going to have a talk with her trusty today and tell her I think she needs help..Her mother recently passed after having been a victim of$$$ elder abuse by one of her sons and a nursing home..I have no doubt where I would be if someone did that to my mother..She calling for help but she doesn't want the sober help..I really hate to see her get kicked out of here but shes doing it all herself..Thank You again.. | |
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| helping each other get over domestic violence and sexual abuse
Posted: 7/16/2008 9:20:10 AM | Spot on, Byrd:
She calling for help but she doesn't want the sober help..I really hate to see her get kicked out of here but shes doing it all herself..Thank You again..
She is doing it to herself.
I hope your talk with her reaches her. | |
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| helping each other get over domestic violence and sexual abuse
Posted: 7/16/2008 1:25:34 PM | I think that this post will apply very much to me now.
I so knew what the outcome was going to be that I had to go back in that courtroom to hear for myself. I felt that I was owed it.
However it was the first time I had set eyes on him since February and it still was a painful experience. He did everything possible to get me to look at him and that was after the result.
Is this still part of him trying the power and control thing? | |
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| helping each other get over domestic violence and sexual abuse
Posted: 7/16/2008 1:40:43 PM |
Is this still part of him trying the power and control thing?
What you are feeling in response to his behavior is your reaction. You are used to him controlling everything.
Now that court is behind you, time to focus on you and not what he may or may not be doing. He was found guilty - that's a done deal. However they do sentencing in the UK, I don't know if the victim has an opportunity to speak to victim impact in the sentencing phase or not - other than that, turn your focus away from him.
Time to make you the priority and him a memory. Ok?
Celebrate today. You have lots to celebrate. | |
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