| Ex moving on...
Posted: 6/23/2008 12:29:30 AM | Hey,
Just wondered if anyone has or is experiencing something like this. Basically I broke up with my ex about 3 months ago. I'm still trying in vain to get over her. We were only together for a year but shared some amazing highs and pretty low lows. Anyway i recenty found out she started a relationship with a guy a month after we broke up. I know people move on at different speeds but i'm struggling to understand how she can start a new relationship so soon after we ended, given all that we have been though. I can't even picture myself with another girl let alone actually be with one as it would bring back memories of my ex.
I guess the fact she has moved on hurts and is in part an ego thing, although i did invest a great deal of myself in her. But its making it harder to get over her, thinking that i meant so little I could be replaced just like that after the times we shared together.
Any thoughts or shared experiences would be greatly recieved...
Cheers | |
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| Ex moving on...
Posted: 6/23/2008 1:00:05 AM | I think one's ability to move on is parallel to one's investment in the relationship, barring that the relationship was abusive or extremely dysfunctional. Personally, if the relationship was one in which both parties treated one another decently much of the time and the relationship was exclusive, lasting longer than six months, I don't see how one could move on within a month's time. This seems rushed and probably not a good idea. It seems as if your ex is asking for a rebound. Perhaps she's co-dependent and afraid to be without a relationship?
I can see dating, even fairly quickly after a relationship ends, in an attempt to make new friends and distract oneself. I'm not sure that this is the most healthy thing to do but it is common and let's face it, no one enjoys being in pain every hour of every day. Going to the movies or to dinner, etc. with a companion of the opposite sex is a good way to begin to move on. Becoming sexually intimate is not, imo.
Becoming involved in an intimate relationship right after breaking up is probably unwise. Many of us have done this, however, to our detriment as we had to learn the hard way. People are imperfect. Their judgment is often fallible. Often times the pain is simply too much to bear and we look for ways to short circuit it and find relief. Unfortunately, the only way to truly get over something and benefit from the experience is to move through it, feel the pain, not fight it, and allow the emotional wounds to heal over time.
This is bound to hurt. You're doing the right thing though, by not getting involved with anyone for a while. Just spend time with friends, make new friends, and avoid emotional entanglements for several months in order to heal effectively. | |
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| Ex moving on...
Posted: 6/23/2008 1:11:17 AM | Thanks for taking the time to reply :-)
I think you could have hit the nail on the head. Although we both loved eachother i feel that i invested more and at times it was a one way relationship particually towards the end. I also have a feeling that the "new" guy could have been in the picture before we split. Not in a sexual way but... making his move so to speak.
Weird thing is i thought i was doing ok until a few weeks ago then i started back at square one, even before i found out about her new guy. I thought that leaving the relationship knowing i did the best i could (i'm only human after all) would make getting over her easier but its the opposite.
I was thinking of making contact with her and talking to her about feelings and this new guy. I'm guessing thats not the best idea or would it given me closure? | |
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| Ex moving on...
Posted: 6/23/2008 1:18:23 AM | | I just found out my ex has a new boyfriend too. I was in a relationship for 3 1/2 years with her, and I'm still single after 5 months from getting dumped from her. I don't know how she ca do it too. And I'm angry that she's moving on faster that I am. | |
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| Ex moving on...
Posted: 6/23/2008 1:26:12 AM | Fellas
For many women dating is merely a function of turning on the spigot and choosing from the stream of men.
You will NEVER beat your woman in finding another partner. Some people don't like to be alone and thus they
will hop from relationship to relationship will little rebound. It's a style some people are comfortable with. It
doesn't mean they didn't care for you but it means they don't sit around for months mourning about their dead
relationship.
As a guy the best thing you can do is remember the good times and if you wish good will to your ex hope that she's
happy and move on to finding your next Princess. | |
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| Ex moving on...
Posted: 6/23/2008 1:33:40 AM | Making contact right now is your loneliness and sorrow talking. You need time apart to heal. Unless there is an extremely good reason for getting in touch, I wouldn't. Now on the other hand, if you want to get back together, you're barking up the right tree. lol. Moving to contact your ex this soon after the break up, unless it's an emergency, is begging to get back together. She'll know and sense that this is what you want too, so make sure that it is before you do it. Don't try and fool yourself, just be honest with yourself.
You have to assess and look at the situation and think about why the relationship really ended. If you don't want to return to the relationship and realize that ending it was the right thing to do, wait this out. Don't get back in touch right now. Wait another three months and then, after you've had a few evenings out with some of the fish in this pond, then perhaps you can attempt some friendship with your ex and see where that goes.
Only you can determine if you want to try again to broach this topic with her. She may say no. She may already be more involved with the new guy than she should be. You're taking a risk of reopening the current wound and suffering through even more anger and pain related to this situation. On the other hand, if it's worth it and the relationship has a chance to succeed successfully, in your opinion, then go for it. Just realize that you may end up even more hurt than you are now down the road. Sometimes what we had with someone is worth the gamble. Only you can make that call.
Best wishes to you, Ben. You're going to be okay either way you go, I suspect.
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| Ex moving on...
Posted: 6/23/2008 1:38:05 AM | | My ex is living with a guy now in my house, try that.... | |
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| Ex moving on...
Posted: 6/23/2008 2:30:18 AM | well i dated my ex for three years..and a couple months later he started dating his now-current girlfriend, that was two years ago..
it was extremely hard at first...
I saw him the other weekend with his girlfriend..and i can honestly say that now i am happy for him.
When people break up , they break up for a reason. Whatever the reason it just wasnt working..
theres no time-frame on how long it'll take to get over him/her, but you do move on.
just take the time that you have now, and learn about yourself...and grow..
i can't say it was wrong of my ex or your's, that may be a way they cope with breaking up..but whatever they do it honestly doesn't concern you anymore, it's just being blunt..
going over why they do what they do will not help you move on..
its time to start thinking about yourself.. | |
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| Ex moving on...
Posted: 6/23/2008 2:45:22 AM | Well first of all YOU broke up with her. What do you want from her, to sit by the phone pining away for you? I find it very hard to understand this situation. The guy breaks it off, and then when the lady (regardless of how long between relationships) moves on with her life, he feels she didn't have genuine feelings or whatever.
I actually was thinking about this the other day. I waited well over a year after my ltr before considering opening up myself for another relationship. It has been well over 1 1/2 years since and he still feels like the op. Ridiculous. I had many oportunities and did go out here and there but no, I felt the need to recover from the mess that was. That was because I wanted the me time for awhile. I also knew he would feel as the op and I wasn't about rubbing his nose into my happiness. I no longer feel that way as he chooses to stay miserable even now. He made his choices and I am not willing to be miserable so he feels better. I put in every effort to communicate and work through problems w/o any effort on his part. He didn't appreciate me when I was there, and I had said once I left I was not coming back. I hold firm to that.
If people would learn to appreciate their partners (men and women) and show them this then there would be much happier couples. A male OP said on another site that he had already worked through the emotions by the time he left the relationship, that once a person gets to that point, the issues have been processed pretty well and worked through so he was able to move on fairly quickly. So it isn't genderbiased.
I think because women are more emotional, we are used to processing our emotions faster then men and so we are more capable of moving at a faster speed. This DOESN"T mean we are cold/callous/false in our feelings. It means we have learned to deal with things instead of stuffing them and being all toughguyish. Just as being more logical on men's part has it's good qualities, so does being more emotional on womens part has it's. | |
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| Ex moving on...
Posted: 6/23/2008 3:09:19 AM | Sorry if this caused confusion. When i said i broke up with her i meant we broke up i didn't mean i dumped her.
Also i dont think you can say women are more emotional and expect it to apply to every situation. I would say that in my case i'm the emotional one. This doesn't mean that i can process my feelings faster. On the other hand i'm not saying my ex is cold/callous or false in her actions. like you say though its not gender biased and thats not the issue.
I would add that i very much appreciated my ex and tried to make her happy without asking for much in return. I guess that is one of the areas i went wrong in.
I am only trying to gain from other peoples advice and experiences about how they felt and what helped them.
Thanks very much for your insights sweetjemgirl
And to the poster who said it bluntly that its none of my concern what she does. You are 100% right and my head knows this. Just waiting for my slow-ass heart to get the hint | |
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| Ex moving on...
Posted: 6/23/2008 3:21:59 AM | | Go back and review why you broke up with her. Take a look at the relationship as it was, not how you feel now. Everybody feels this way after a break up. She dated a guy after you a month later. So what! Maybe she was trying to replace you, and think about the new guy. He's got all of your crap in her head to deal with. No matter what, take it as experience. Work more, get out more, go to the gym everyday. | |
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| Ex moving on...
Posted: 6/23/2008 4:33:18 AM | OP....The only person s feelings you have any control over are your own. The fact that she moved on doesnt mean she didnt care while with you.....it means she has accepted the facts of the demise of the relationship ..............there is no set timeline for moving on.........focusing oh why she was able to move on is holding you back...it doesTn matter why.....she did, now its time for you to do the same........
PEACE | |
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| Ex moving on...
Posted: 6/23/2008 4:38:16 AM | | hi ive been in that position many times. my ex would break off the relationship almost every weeek, because he had a thing about his ex wife(there only separated) he said that he loved the both of us and couldnt decide who he wanted. i alway went back to him and hung on in there hoping he would choose me. in the end he didm saying his feelings for her were gone. we were all set to move in together. he lived over 2 hours away from me which made it harder. anyway 1 night i discovered he had arranged to meet a woman from a dating site near where he lives. i was devistated, so i know how u feel thinking he must have felt so little of me to do that. we shared some very good times as well and i just cant understand why he did it. moving on at different speeds, my god hes certainly done that all rite lol | |
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| Ex moving on...
Posted: 6/23/2008 4:38:23 AM | You were probably hoping that you would get back together... now you realize it's not going to happen.
She did you a favor, really. | |
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| Ex moving on...
Posted: 6/23/2008 4:53:03 AM | I was married for two years back in the early 80s and it took me alot of years to get over him ... I was his 2nd wife and he is on his 5th wife now ... It still bothers me that he moved on so easily to this day but then to know he is on his 5th wife now makes me do a lil dance cause it wasnt me ... lol ...
You will move on and find someone who will stay with you and like Janet4ever said .. she did you a favor hun ....
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| Ex moving on...
Posted: 6/23/2008 5:25:59 AM | G Ben777, I sympathise with your situation as I went through nearly the exact same thing. My relationship was about 1.5 years, mutual breakup and she went into another one about a month after.
I went through hell and back thinking of how she could move on so fast and forget about all the amazing things we had shared and experienced together, but I guess women must find it easier to let go of their feelings for their significant other. I just had to accept that it was her life and she was free to do as she pleased - who was I to interfere?
Not that this process was easy at all, I went through ALOT of vodka, cigarettes and soppy love songs, I was pretty much a wreck for a few months, but hang in there man, confide in your friends and in time your wounds will heal. I know this isn't what you want to hear - and neither did I at the time, but looking back on it there was nothing else to do but learn to be happy again.
It took about a year for me to fully move on and stop thinking about her. I did make a pact with myself to not contact her though as I knew this would only make the process harder - so maybe thats one thing you should try.
I still have quite a few self confidence issues as a result, maybe counselling will help this - I'm looking into it myself.
Hope my experience on the subject can help you out in some way - let me know if there's anything else you need help on!
Obsidian - you are a smart guy! Write a book man! | |
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| Ex moving on...
Posted: 6/23/2008 5:33:50 AM | I would whole heartedly disagree with you Obsidian71 that a man can NEVER beat a woman in finding another partner. I was engaged to a man for 18 months and I (yes me) finally ended things and now just 7 months after I ended things with him, 6 months after he moved out of my house, he is engaged to another woman... not just seeing someone, engaged.
Regardless I'm still dealing with some feelings that this brought about - not that I want him back - hell no - not that I'm sad I can't ever have him. Hell I feel sorry for this new girl! But it brings back feelings of wondering how invested he really was in the relationship. Were we engaged simply because he wanted to move out of the apartment he was living in with his mother and into mine... Was he really who he said he was as far as what he wanted out of life and for our future etc. Why did I let him change me so much by being in this relationship? Basically it brings back all the trust issues I've been working on. Not trust in the sense I think he was cheating on me (he didn't have the balls to do so), but wondering when I can trust someone again to be who they say they are.
Not that my advice offers much, but I will offer this - decide who it is that you want to be as a person - strive to be that person - and strive to do so without a significant other in your life. Be your ownself, your own amazing individual self, without the help of a significant other. At that point you can start dating again. I'm still working on it... | |
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| Ex moving on...
Posted: 6/23/2008 5:51:00 AM | ............[Not that my advice offers much, but I will offer this - decide who it is that you want to be as a person - strive to be that person - and strive to do so without a significant other in your life. Be your ownself, your own amazing individual self, without the help of a significant other. At that point you can start dating again. I'm still working on it...]
Very good advice.......
knowing the path and walking the path are distinctly different activities I am finding. | |
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| Ex Moving on... Turning the spigot
Posted: 6/23/2008 6:18:31 AM | Obsidian,
I've seen what you describe about the 'stream of men', available to some women.
My ex is attractive, and has had two boyfriends (that I know of) since our divorce. Years ago, she once described how dating was for her: "If I want male companionship, I just 'let my guard down'." She didn't say it in an egotistical way - and I'm sure it was true.
Someone else on here said that speed of moving on depends on how deeply you really cared about the other person. I think, in my case that played into the picture too, but if finding a woman who appeals to me was as easy as finding her men has been for her, I wouldn't be so noble! :-)
I have not dated since our divorce, and it's hard to see her 'moving on' so easily. But I've had to get over that - it was just my envy that dating doesn't come so easily to me. That's just how this planet and our culture work. | |
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| Ex moving on...
Posted: 6/23/2008 6:18:41 AM | Ignite the Ibex, I see that we are on the same page here. I just hope it doesn't take a year to fully get over her. I do have a feeling though that it will.
Unclaimed meat I also finding that walking the path is alot harder than knowing it. All the advice so far is top class i just need to learn to take it. | |
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| Ex moving on...
Posted: 6/23/2008 10:51:34 AM | Well - I've found that when girls break up, they are usually pretty sure about their decision, and generally have at least started the moving on process mentally and emotionally before they have the talk.
It's rarely a spur of the moment decision because they're angry. Therefore, generally I've found that when the breakup is mutual or they initiate the breakup, they are usually ready for another relationship relatively quickly, because they haven't really been fully vested in the relationship for a while.
It's understandable that she moved on...
Also, girls are always going to have more opportunities to rebound than guys, because they don't have to be proactive. If they're cute, all they have to do is go out and wait to get hit on. When a guy is down after a breakup, it's that much harder to force them to ask people out or even be social - which cuts down on the rebound opportunities! | |
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| Ex moving on...
Posted: 6/23/2008 10:58:15 AM | | Some people just have the ability to move on faster than others. I think they are people that have a fear of being alone. I am ok being alone and going through the process of closure when a relationship ends. | |
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| Ex moving on...
Posted: 6/25/2008 11:48:15 AM | | Yeah i know what your all saying :-) still makes me angry that i still have such strong feelings for her when she is waking up with another dude and not thinking about me at all while i can't even sleep. Love sucks lol | |
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| Ex moving on...
Posted: 6/25/2008 3:57:09 PM | Funny. I'm almost exactly where you're at right now. That's one of the good things about these forums. They remind us that we're not th eonly ones going through crap and oftentimes there's people who have it far worse (imagine if you had been married or had kids!)..
I have to totally agree with the No Contact thing. I spend a lot of time thinking about letters to my ex that I know I will never send or write. It's mostly "I now know how little I meant to you" and "You bailed on me when I need you the most so you could go to the bar" kind of stuff. I know that there's no point though. My brain tells me that its over. Nothing will change that. It's for the best. I'm better off. If it was meant to be and blah blah blah... My heart still breaks when I wake up alone or see a movie come out that I know she and I would have gone to.
Each day gets a little easier though and I know next week will be better than this week and so on. Now if I could just stop writing those stupid imaginary letters! Sigh. | |
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| Ex moving on...
Posted: 6/25/2008 6:14:44 PM | Holy shit! are you me?
That's an uber simelar story.
Anyway... yeah..
Pretty much put off training as a pilot for her, spent a hell of a lot of monies on her, ... yeah blah blah.
Dude seriously, I know it hurts now, but it will get better mate.
Throw yourself into a new hobby.
Man that's such a simelar story! Apart from the fact I couldn't give a monkeys who she's with... but that's the only difference.
Holy moly we should start a club or something.
K good luck man
Mitzky... That bit of advice was awsome
"Not that my advice offers much, but I will offer this - decide who it is that you want to be as a person - strive to be that person - and strive to do so without a significant other in your life. Be your ownself, your own amazing individual self, without the help of a significant other."
Tis what I'm doing too! | |
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