| Guys, Do you really want us to be honest after the first date?
Posted: 6/23/2008 9:24:20 AM | Why is it that if a women is completely honest with you after the first date, and you dont like what i have to say, you get so "bent outta shape" ? I try to be very nice and honest after the first date, and if its not what he wants to hear, i get nothing but attitude or even rudeness.
So, how else are we women supposed to handle this ?
Would it be better if i just blew you off entirely?
 | |
|
| |
| |
| Guys, Do you really want us to be honest after the first date?
Posted: 6/23/2008 9:34:21 AM | Wow!!!.......What you had to say then about yourself before that first date must be so far off from the real you, that anyone that hears the truth can not deal with it or you....
This is similar to getting to know another on here, see all the pictures, talk and decide to meet, and when meeting the person that you are meeting is not the ones in the pictures, and not at all like the one you tried to know in the first place.......
OT.......There are no rules for having to share your entire history with another when first meeting and dating, but there are rules about misleading to the point that the truth make you a different person totally.
Just my opinion.......   | |
|
| Guys, Do you really want us to be honest after the first date?
Posted: 6/23/2008 9:47:11 AM | | Whenever you are on this site, your intentions should point towards honesty. If a guy gets really bent out of shape it just means he has low self esteem. Guys can get tunnel vision...its when they see one girl who is friendly towards them and they think there is somthing more. Im not saying you should lead someone on. Dont set your expectations too high from the beginning and he wont either. | |
|
| Guys, Do you really want us to be honest after the first date?
Posted: 6/23/2008 9:54:28 AM | RE: deacon, it is about the chemistry, you can talk to someone for weeks and like alot about them, but if you meet face to face and are not physically attracted to them, then thats something that cannot be helped.
I am nothing but honest and it seems that alot of men really dont want to hear honesty..... | |
|
| |
| |
| Guys, Do you really want us to be honest after the first date?
Posted: 6/23/2008 10:06:27 AM | Well I don't think it's really a guy thing to be bent out of shape after being dumped after the first date. People (both guys and girls) don't like being rejected obviously and handle it different ways. Most normal people will be disappointed of course but will accept it and move on.
If this is a repeated problem for you and seems to happen regularly you might want to consider that you're either going out with some real d-bags or your presentation is all wrong. | |
|
| Guys, Do you really want us to be honest after the first date?
Posted: 6/23/2008 10:08:04 AM | I treat others how I want to be treated..
Men have been rude to me when I told them that I wasn't feeing it.. but mostly they have tried to make me feel guilty or to change my mind...
I used to let it affect me, now I just think of it as reinforcement in my decision.. I want a man, not a little boy who requires a soother ;) | |
|
| Guys, Do you really want us to be honest after the first date?
Posted: 6/23/2008 10:09:06 AM | | It's not what you say it's how you say it. I am guessing the Op has been blown off quite a few times after first dates herself , how does she handle it? treat others as you wish to be treated yourself, then let the chips fall where they may. | |
|
| Guys, Do you really want us to be honest after the first date?
Posted: 6/23/2008 10:14:06 AM | You're simply meeting the wrong men. That's YOUR reality, not reality itself.
Some men project too far ahead and force the issue. They simply set themselves up for a fall.
You create some of that problem yourself, "talking to someone for weeks" before meeting. That's simply too much investment in time, serving as you now aware, ultimately no purpose. People form an attachment based on a non-reality image or ideal.
This same thing occurs in real life but the time span is much much shorter so the false attachment isn't really formed. | |
|
| Guys, Do you really want us to be honest after the first date?
Posted: 6/23/2008 10:14:07 AM | Basic human nature, OP. We all need the truth, but how many of us want to hear it?
Just to give you an example, I recently had a first date go awry a few days ago. I thought that everything went perfectly, and, in my opinion, the girl was gorgeous. But, I got that dreaded email from her...you know the one..."you're a really great guy and all, but..."
It stung. A lot. My gut reaction was to lash out at her, even though she was just being honest. I wanted answers. I wanted justification. She didn't feel a connection. What more justification could there be? I suppose it didn't make things any easier that I'd already been rejected twice a week ago.
Eventually, after I calmed down, I realized that I'd much rather her be honest with me now and tell me that it isn't going to work than for her to lead me on and, worse still, date me anyway because she "didn't want to hurt me."
The point is, for a lot of people, lashing out is the natural reaction when they're upset. Surely you've seen this. You go to a restaurant, and a man (or woman) doesn't get his order just the way he wants it, and all of a sudden his server (and the rest of the staff and the customers as well) gets to hear a half-hour speech on how restaurants are vile institutions and the whole world is corrupt and out to get him and etc etc.
So if the guy gets bent out of shape, I say let him (provided it's safe to do so) throw his temper tantrum if that's what he needs. Realize that he's upset and is probably not thinking very rationally at that moment, and you shouldn't take anything he says as a judgment on who you are as a person. Then, move on to the next guy and continue to be honest. | |
|
| dont judge ....... ..........
Posted: 6/23/2008 10:16:36 AM | | wildman, why would you "guess" that it has happened to me "quite a few times" lol..... its happened once or twice, but i dont get all upset about it and act all insecure or mad.....i move on , no biggy, and i do treat others as i wish to be treated, thats why I AM HONEST ................STOP JUDGING PEOPLE YOU DONT KNOW | |
|
| dont judge ....... ..........
Posted: 6/23/2008 10:24:52 AM | Re the OPost
Honesty is always the best policy, not a license to be brutal with it of course.
But can both genders take it? Don't SOME women get bent out of shape as well as SOME men? | |
|
| dont judge ....... ..........
Posted: 6/23/2008 10:25:07 AM | I agree that you can't win as a woman...and if you're honest, they think you're heartless and/or didn't give him a chance (I still don't get it - a chance for what?). If you try to be nice about it - they don't realize it's a no and continue to pursue or try to stay friends with you only to accuse you later of leading them on.
I've actually had men ask me specifically why - there's a trap. Why would you want to know why someone's not into you? The fact that they aren't is enough, and what turns this person off won't turn everyone off - everyone likes something different. It's part of dating. Chalk it up.
IMO men should be happy they got a quick and honest answer about where they stand. On top of that, it's unfair to expect women to hold your hand thru it. There's no need to be rude or offensive about it, but if it's clear, honest and quick it should suffice. If I can handle it as a woman (supposedly the more emotional gender, pffft), then others should be able to. | |
|
| dont judge ....... ..........
Posted: 6/23/2008 10:33:23 AM |
supposedly the more emotional gender, pffft
Thank you for pointing out the absurdity of that stereotype.  | |
|
| dont judge ....... ..........
Posted: 6/23/2008 10:35:31 AM | ''It's happened once or twice, but i don't get all upset about it and act all insecure or mad..... i move on, no biggie, and i do treat others as i wish to be treated, that's why I AM HONEST"
Well the last thing you're is honest lady(It's happened once or twice) are you kidding me? Everybody that's involved with online dating( No matter how atttractive) has had it happen to them more times than that. But it's your god given right to be delusional.
Personally i like the idea of letting others down as easy as i can. Honesty yes, but not to the point of hurting someone feeling just so i can stroke my ego. | |
|
| dont judge ....... ..........
Posted: 6/23/2008 10:37:10 AM | | Yes being honest is the best way and if the person can not handle then it is their problem.. No need to be rude but polite and to the point is good and then share a shot of tequila and move on. | |
|
| Guys, Do you really want us to be honest after the first date?
Posted: 6/23/2008 10:42:58 AM | | Be honest, and then let the guy have his reaction. It's not exactly reasonable to expect that his focus will be on helping you avoid feeling as if you had hurt his feelings. He might be hurt and disappointed. So what if he shows it? He's just being honest. | |
|
| dont judge ....... ..........
Posted: 6/23/2008 10:46:47 AM | I suppose it would come across as hurtful or spiteful to some, but I'd sure rather know you're thinking 'friends' sooner than later.
If a guy gets mean or rude it's just because his ego is bruised. It's like...dude...deal with it, for you don't owe them happiness by their definition. | |
|
| dont judge ....... ..........
Posted: 6/23/2008 10:47:55 AM | I'd prefer to be told... pretty quicklike.... if a woman isn't interested in pursuing anything with me. Like somebody else said, just a quick text is all it takes.... if she wants to give me breakdown on what she didn't like that's up to her and would probably be appreciated.... if she's not sh!tty about it.
I agree that you can't win as a woman...and if you're honest, they think you're heartless and/or didn't give him a chance.
Goes both ways... insert "PLAYA" in place of "heartless" if you're a man... people are people...
(I still don't get it - a chance for what?)
We're usually on our best behaviour on a first date... so you're not really seeing the real us... they think you might have missed something about them that you would have liked.
But chemistry will happen even then... if it's there... | |
|
| dont judge ....... ..........
Posted: 6/23/2008 11:04:54 AM |
Be honest, and then let the guy have his reaction. It's not exactly reasonable to expect that his focus will be on helping you avoid feeling as if you had hurt his feelings. He might be hurt and disappointed. So what if he shows it? He's just being honest.
Well, for one thing women take that as backlash and get confused about being told forever that men want the honesty. He may be blowing off steam, but what he's doing is convincing women not to deal with it at all the next time. I'm all for someone having their moment, however I'd suggest it not be at the face of the messenger.
If a guy gets mean or rude it's just because his ego is bruised. It's like...dude...deal with it, for you don't owe them happiness by their definition. I agree.
I'd prefer to be told... pretty quicklike.... if a woman isn't interested in pursuing anything with me. Like somebody else said, just a quick text is all it takes.... if she wants to give me breakdown on what she didn't like that's up to her and would probably be appreciated.... if she's not sh!tty about it.
I agree with that...a text isn't necessary - being told at the end of a meeting is a bit more efficient - I'm not sure most women would think about sending a text to be honest, I know I didn't. But a guy wanting a breakdown of what flaws I found in him to me would be self torture...idk. If a guy's having a hard time with the no - I doubt the reasons would help - I'd think it'd make things worse.
We're usually on our best behaviour on a first date... so you're not really seeing the real us... they think you might have missed something about them that you would have liked.
But chemistry will happen even then... if it's there...
Exactly. For me it does. If I like a guy, I'll find him being nervous or polite or whatever to be an added cute thing he did...I'll never miss the spark completely even if the guy's a jerk. I just won't act on it. | |
|
| dont judge ....... ..........
Posted: 6/23/2008 11:08:09 AM | "however I'd suggest it not be at the face of the messenger. "
Alas, be it in love or war, the messenger is almost always the first casualty.
Edit: stupid code.
Edit #2: Okay, I seem to be having issues with quotes here. So I'll just do it the old fashioned way. Hope nobody expects parenthetical citation. Not sure how one would do that for a forum on PoF. | |
|
| Guys, Do you really want us to be honest after the first date?
Posted: 6/23/2008 11:08:16 AM | Smart......I misunderstood your initial thread comment then.....
I thought you were talking about being honest about your past, present, and future. Somehow I got the feeling that you were talking about the real you compared to what was on your profile, or the pictures there.
If it is about the attraction and potential chemistry, then I understand about telling the other thank you but no thank you because I am not attracted to you that way, or connected.
OT.......Just because you try to be truthful, it does not mean that you have to be so blunt that the only result is bad feelings or insults. Using tact to tell another that it was nice but a no go is an art in and of itself, and I suggest more learn how to do that......
Just my opinion....... | |
|
Home
login 
