| Not sure what to make of this situation...
Posted: 6/23/2008 9:35:41 AM | I'm hoping to get some opinions and maybe some new prespective on my situation, and I was hoping some of you might help with that.
I met someone on the site last summer, we really hit it off right away and started dating pretty seriously and exclusively. About a month and a half into seeing each other he told me he loved me, complimented me all the time, and made me feel very secure in the relationship. About 3 or 4 months into the relationship I realized that although things were really great when we were together, we really weren't able to see much of each other at all due to the fact that he has a regular job, but also has several rental properties quite a distance away that he is rehabbing. He was out of town several days during the week and every weekend working on the houses, so I made the decision, although I realize now not a very good decision at the time, to ask him to take a break from the relationship so that he could have the time and space he needed to finish the houses and then we could have a normal dating relationhip when he finished. Well, he said he didn't need the break, and took it as a break up.
We were broken up for about 4 months... then slowly started seeing each other again.
Although his work situation hasn't changed, and we still don't see as much of each other as we both would like to, I am trying to be supportive and understanding about the times he does need to be away and have also been trying to go out and help when I can. But... this time also seems to be very different then the first time we were together, and we have been seeing each other this time longer than before, about 6 months now. Just like before everything is really great time when we are together, but the difference is that this time he gives me no hope about our relationship or how he feels about me. He seems to be keeping me at arms length at times even though I have done everything I know to make him feel like I'm not going anywhere and that I do love him. He does seem to show me with his actions how much he cares, and does some very nice and caring things for me, but he also seems to be is very careful about playing it very cool about how he feels about me or our relationship. I'm wondering if maybe he just needs more time to come around. I'm sorry about the length of this thread, but hoping for some opinions and advice on this because it has started to make me feel a bit insecure about all of this.
Thanks everyone... | |
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| Not sure what to make of this situation...
Posted: 6/23/2008 10:44:34 AM | dont make him a priority because it sounds like you aren't one of his... he sounds like he's too busy and not ready for anything serious... don't waste your time, keep him on the backburner, in case he gets a case of severe guilt, he could buy you some nice things later, right before you tell him you met someone else. | |
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| Not sure what to make of this situation...
Posted: 6/23/2008 10:44:51 AM | Yes. He needs more time. You've burned him once. He's afraid you'll do it again, despite your assurances that you won't.
I think you should put yourself in his shoes on this one. How would you feel if someone did the same thing to you? You wouldn't be so anxious to completely open yourself up to the person again.
Why did you change your mind about his rental business? Maybe he's afraid, despite your best intentions, that the demands on his time will get on your nerves again.
Basically, you have to prove yourself to him and earn his trust. But even if that happens, your relationship now may not ever be just like it was before.
Good Luck,
Krys | |
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| Not sure what to make of this situation...
Posted: 6/23/2008 10:49:12 AM | Sounds like you hurt him pretty bad when you "took a break" from the relationship. You can keep on trying to develop this further, but be warned, he's probably holding himself back because he doesn't trust you not to hurt him again.
I think it's great that he has a job & rental properties...it's difficult to find a great man with priorities lately...your reason for "taking a break" sounds kind of selfish to me. | |
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| Not sure what to make of this situation...
Posted: 6/23/2008 10:57:41 AM | I think he is being cautious because you wanted a break before, for the same situation that is still current.
You need to decide what you want. It seems like you don't like the time apart and he can't change that right now. So either you have to stick it out. (I would ask what he sees the time frame is that it will change) or move on to a relationship that gives more to what you want. | |
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| Not sure what to make of this situation...
Posted: 6/23/2008 11:00:05 AM | As you have pointed out he saw it as a break-up. So in his mind you dumped him once already even though things were going well.
Beyond that he may have seen your desire for a break from the relationship as you wanting to date other people (which is often the case when people use that phrase).
Needless to say he doesn't trust you entirely right now. Why should he? He is probably wondering if you even know what you want.
Give it time and you will likely earn his trust. | |
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| Not sure what to make of this situation...
Posted: 6/23/2008 11:00:26 AM | lol...when i read the post i was thinking i'd find a 19 year old on the other end of the writing...goodness you're mid 30s...
i still don't quite understand the question about does he need time...time for frickin what? your currently dating? he's giving you what he has to give...you screwed him over once and now you're questioning HIS behavior?? C'mon now...take some responsibility for your part in how things are going...
sounds to me like selfish destructive behavior and you for some reason want everything about the relationship to be immediate....its a marathon not a sprint....be content in what you have and you have to EARN his trust back...trying to push him into doing or saying things will surely only push him farther away from you.
as always, just my opinion | |
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| Not sure what to make of this situation...
Posted: 6/23/2008 11:06:59 AM | | I understand why it would make me seem selfish... although at the time I thought I was doing the unselfish thing by giving him the space and time he needed to finish the job without having to try and fit in time to see me too, and I hoped that when he was done that we could have a normal relationship. I guess at the time I thought he just didn't have time for a relationship, but I didn't want to give up either. | |
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| Not sure what to make of this situation...
Posted: 6/23/2008 11:21:38 AM | I didnt think you were selfish at all to suggest to this man to take a break.
I do ?? any man who is away to long no matter what excuse they say work, kids, etc, etc... Thru experiences , it always turned out they were hiding someone...What you do have to ask urself ?? is this what you want ?? a part time relationship ? ? One & a half months is much to early in the relationship to hear those 3 little words of he loves you ?? Take it slow, real slow, if it were meant 2 be, so be it.... | |
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| Not sure what to make of this situation...
Posted: 6/23/2008 11:59:36 AM |
I guess at the time I thought he just didn't have time for a relationship, but I didn't want to give up either
He may not have time for the kind of relationship you want, at the moment. He may not ever have the time for the kind of relationship you want. If he is super busy all the time, then that is the way he likes for his life to be. Can you live with that if it doesn't change?
It's ok for you to want a relationship where you get to spend more time with your partner, but you might have picked the wrong the guy for that.
Krys | |
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| Not sure what to make of this situation...
Posted: 6/23/2008 12:15:48 PM | I don't want to be as harsh on you as some of the other people have posted. But I do want you to recognize from all these posts that if people on a message board are saying that you're giving off "warning flags" then perhaps your significant other is getting the same impression.
Once again, communication with him is the BEST advice I can give. Also it's a skill you two have to start developing in the early stages of a relationship to ensure that you can both survive with the "road bumps of life" start happening.
Tell him how you feel. Tell him you're sorry for before and that you feel insecure now as a result of everything. Take initiative and own up to your own mistakes and he will follow your lead and own up to his. I'm sure if you're 100% honest with him that you'll come out of the conversation in better shape then you did before it. | |
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| Not sure what to make of this situation...
Posted: 6/23/2008 12:19:59 PM | I would keep someone at arms length too if they responded to my being affectionate but busy with work by "taking a break" (I would also see it as breaking up) and then got back together with me despite the fact that I was still just as busy with work.
You've shown him what you want. Why would he do all the things that made you feel so secure the first time round given how you threw them back in his face and broke up with him? How can he reassure you or make you feel secure in the relationship when you have demonstrated that you're quite able to drop him so easily? I would feel like the last thing you wanted was reassurance or a feeling of security, given your little demonstration.
Maybe you should talk with him. Maybe you should even talk with yourself a little bit first and try to figure out why you behaved the way you did and what you really want. | |
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| Not sure what to make of this situation...
Posted: 6/23/2008 1:06:45 PM | I think it is called working in a down economy. Your BF rehabs houses. You do it to turn the around for sale. If this is the way he ears $ you best get use to it. Distance and time a part are part of his job description.
Be fore you "gave him space" did you talking to him about it all..... or did you may a one sided decsion to give him the time that YOU thought he needed? | |
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| Not sure what to make of this situation...
Posted: 6/23/2008 1:09:01 PM | Well, I have a little different view on this because I met someone very much like this and dated him. This is what is going on. I call this kind of guy an "Empire Builder". He is probably very sucessful , driven and likes to have alot of projects going on, very dynamic, Right? Of course you are attracted. And he loves the nuturing time he spends with you. It`s the "time out" that he allows himself to rejuvinate. But then he is right back at it, right? He loves seeing you now and then, and it is great but not growing and you can`t figure out why.
He is compartmentalizing and you have a function to him, a friend and soft pillow to fall into when he needs nurturing. That`s it. He doesn`t view himself as being one of a team effort. He will build his empire. Those kind of guys aren`t really looking for a partner to grow with. As cool as they are , they view their lives as a series of goals to achieve on their own, lots of activities, living life to the fullest with alot of different facets. Yeah you mean something to him, but you have to understand, a guy like that isn`t able to bond or commit to one woman. They are not relationship material. A guy like that is much more prone to finding himself a little trophy that
fufills his own perception of sucess to his ego. He may have several open relationships
with differing women with a no strings clause.
You may really care about him and want him to change, but that is not his agenda or lifestyle. You are only setting yourself up for a future of failure. Accept if you want your times together and enjoy them without any future. You are asking him to give you something that isn`t in his game plan. He`s not looking for that kind of relationship.
I think I am right about this one. If he wanted to be a couple with you, he would be asking you to join him in his ventures, and he isn`t. That pretty much tells where he is at. I also kind have disagreed with the other gals about him coming around or you having to jump through hoops to gain his trust. I just don`t think he is up to the whole monogamous committed relationship, unless there was a huge payoff for him, that could add to his percieved self worth and empire. Why don`t you just ask him? He will prabably tell you the truth. | |
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| Not sure what to make of this situation...
Posted: 6/23/2008 1:13:46 PM | OP: You don't deserve this guy.
He's ambitious (by being employed and working on projects that will help him be more financially secure). He's dedicated to his work and his loved ones as demonstrated before you ripped his heart out and stepped all over it.
He took a leap of faith, told you how he felt (even though every one of his guy friends accused him of being insane).
This guy sounds like the type of guy that 80% of women have a list for in their profiles, but you don't deserve him. | |
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| Not sure what to make of this situation...
Posted: 6/23/2008 1:14:49 PM | But... this time also seems to be very different then the first time we were together, and we have been seeing each other this time longer than before, about 6 months now. Just like before everything is really great time when we are together, but the difference is that this time he gives me no hope about our relationship or how he feels about me. He seems to be keeping me at arms length at times even though I have done everything I know to make him feel like I'm not going anywhere and that I do love him. He does seem to show me with his actions how much he cares, and does some very nice and caring things for me, but he also seems to be is very careful about playing it very cool a
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Ok, you are kinda of in a no man's (no woman's) land here. Did you really suggest a temporary "break" or breakup back then..EITHER WORDING, is not nice thing, etc.
WHY DON'T YOU HELP HIM WITH HIS RENTALS? Don't tell me you don't want to get dirty, etc. Then you both could have more time. Or is this just one of those "for fun and for free" relationships about dating and activities and not each others company?
In the meantime, just keep being you and having a good time and not worrying. DONT BE CLINGY either. One phone call a day is plenty, one or two dates a week is plenty.
If he doesnt open up more, TALK TO HIM, use the love sandwich: "say something loving, tell him the issue, then say you love him to finish". And later, write down what you both said unless you have a great memmory. | |
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| Not sure what to make of this situation...
Posted: 6/23/2008 1:39:44 PM | I think when someone is not happy about a relationship the only thing to do is sit down and talk about it.If you both cannot come to some sort of a mutual happiness about your situation its over.you botyh want different things basically it happens all the time.
you just ahve to hope you find someone who wants the same things. | |
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| Not sure what to make of this situation...
Posted: 6/23/2008 2:03:47 PM | You answered your own question with this statement,
"About 3 or 4 months into the relationship I realized that although things were really great when we were together, we really weren't able to see much of each other at all due to the fact that he has a regular job, but also has several rental properties quite a distance away that he is rehabbing. He was out of town several days during the week and every weekend working on the houses, so I made the decision, although I realize now not a very good decision at the time, to ask him to take a break from the relationship so that he could have the time and space he needed to finish the houses and then we could have a normal dating relationhip when he finished. Well, he said he didn't need the break, and took it as a break up.
We were broken up for about 4 months... then slowly started seeing each other again."
You broke up with him and he does not think you are built for a relationship with him. He thinks you need a guy who is around more and he is not that guy. He does not want to take the chance of getting close to you again and you dumping him so he keeps you at arms lenghth.
If you want to go further with this guy, be supportive of him and let him know that you are fine with his work. Obviously his work is his passion and priority right now. Can that be enough for you? Most women think it is fine in the beginning, but the reality is something else entirely.
Be honest with yourself about being with a workaholic and he is one. You will never have a "normal" dating relationship. He will see you when he can fit you into his schedule and you have to decide if that is something you can handle. | |
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| Not sure what to make of this situation...updated
Posted: 6/23/2008 4:00:47 PM | I'm so sorry that most of you may have seen me in the wrong light with this post. I guess it's hard to understand a situation unless you're the one in it. I sought the advice of my mother and a few friends before talking to him about this time apart. I saw it at the time as something unselfish I was trying to do for both of us, but now realize it wasn't the best decision. After the "break up" he ended up having to live at the rental property full-time for 5 months to finish the project, and almost lost his regular job because he couldn't put enough time towards that.
After we started to reconnect again, I did tell him that I felt that I had made a bad decision, and realize that I did hurt him, and he says he now understands, and also says that he didn't see it himself at the time, but now realizes that he really didn't have time for a relationship then.
He has finished the big project since then, but still needs to be away a lot to maintain the properties. I do go and help him with the houses as much as I can, but am not able to during the week since I also have a job and two teenage children, so I go there on the weekends to help as much as possible. I understand why he would be gunshy about the relationship now, but just hope things can someday be like they were before. I realize that I made a bad decision now, but feel the best thing I can do now is just be as supportive and understanding of everything he needs to do in his life.
P.S. I did just recently have dinner with his parents, so I guess that might be a good sign....lol | |
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| Not sure what to make of this situation...updated
Posted: 6/24/2008 3:58:03 PM | Is this the thread you said was deleted and alot of people had negative and critical things to say to you?
If so, I don't see it. We often see what we want to see. If this is a different thread...then you have some great advice here. Goodluck. | |
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| Not sure what to make of this situation...updated
Posted: 6/25/2008 9:54:36 PM | Searching.......... maybe you should talk to him about it. After you have had a great night together and are relaxing, just tell him how you feel. That you feel that things seem to be a little different this time and wondered how he felt about it.
I have learned that if you are into a relationship that far, there should be no holding back on thoughts or feelings about something. Otherwise, you walk around wondering and if you are just "feeling" that, or is it for real. So, I learned to be upfront. It clears the air and your head. | |
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