| Telling your Ex you’re seeing someone new
Posted: 6/23/2008 11:18:21 AM | So a few months ago I broke off a 3 year relationship, we were briefly engaged at the end of our relationship. After the first year things just went sour and we hung in there for 2 more years just with the hopes that things would some how magically get better. Well anyhow this was all back in November we have tried to remain friends but all we have done since is fight about the same stuff we fought about when we were together.
Now about a month ago I met a great guy, smart, funny, well read, articulate, kind, just an all around good guy. We started to hang out and just get to know each other. The new guy knows about the ex, as I know about his, because we all have them and is just really great. At first I did not know where things were headed with us but things are starting to get somewhat serious, we are now exclusively dating.
The thing is I recently told my ex that I was seeing someone new, because I wanted him to hear it from me and not one of our mutual friends. Well he calls me the night after going crazy telling me what a mistake he made by letting me go, crying on and on about how much he loves me, and how sorry he is, and he’ll treat me better, all crap I know.
The thing that has me worried is he started talking about killing himself, I called his mother and told her to check in on him cause it really has me worried. But should I call him and check in with him, or have I done all I can and should I just check out, will it just make it worse for him if he knows I still care enough to care? | |
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| Telling your Ex you’re seeing someone new
Posted: 6/23/2008 11:26:45 AM | This one is really hard. From my past experiences, when I was that 'ex' that went crazy when she found out he'd moved on... I threatened to kill myself blah blah blah, but all I really wanted was attention from my ex.
I'm guessing this is his way of getting your attention, and he got it. You should be the bigger person and ignore it and don't indulge in it. You can check with his mother if you're that seriously concerned, but please don't call him and check up on his personally because he'll begin to create false hopes (that you'll get back together) and this is the period of time you want to squash that idea so that he isn't constantly hoping you'll come back.
I hope that helped a little bit. | |
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| Telling your Ex you’re seeing someone new
Posted: 6/23/2008 11:29:00 AM | It's manipulation, fainting goats (love that name!) If he chooses to make a selfish decision like that, it's because of something within him, not because of you. If he cared for you, he'd be happy you were brave enough to let someone else in after you two failed. You deserve to have your new romance bring you all the happiness you were missing.
If you reinforce his drama, it will continue and may even escalate with "suicidal gestures" to evoke pity. Be happy that you're happy. You're only responsible for your own happiness and welfare. He needs help and not the kind that you can provide by wasting even one minute on his issues. You'll just be his crutch and may prevent him from moving on and getting over you. Don't let him detract anything from your new relationship!! Enjoy it and congrats!! | |
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| Telling your Ex you’re seeing someone new
Posted: 6/23/2008 11:35:44 AM | | I don't see how showing that you care will make it worse. I could see how showing that you don't care would make it worse in his mind though. I wouldn't be inclined to take any suicide threat lightly - better safe than sorry, in my opinion. What if you didn't take it seriously, and then you found out he actually did it? I don't see the harm in calling to check in with him, but I would also tell mutual friends (in addition to his mother). I have a thought - I would book him an appointment with a counsellor and then tell him after you've booked it that he should go, and give him the phone number for a suicide hotline. Tell him you did it because he mentioned suicide. Also, because this person can help him deal with this whole situation (even if he does retract the suicide threat). At least that way, if he really is suicidal, he has at least has the options there to help him, and then you can't feel like you have to be the one to watch over him to make sure he doesn't do it. And then he can call a professional if he feels himself overwhelmed instead of calling you. | |
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| Telling your Ex you’re seeing someone new
Posted: 6/23/2008 12:32:17 PM |
But should I call him and check in with him, or have I done all I can and should I just check out, will it just make it worse for him if he knows I still care enough to care?
Go on your merry way. Leave him be. He's an ex for a reason. The two of you fight all the time. If he can't handle you seeing someone new, that's his problem. His threats are a manipulative way of trying to draw you back in. He dosen't want you to be happy. | |
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| Telling your Ex you’re seeing someone new
Posted: 6/23/2008 12:43:10 PM | I don't feel you owe ANY Ex a reason for dating again, you have heard of the No Contact rule haven't you???
In his head you were probably just rubbing it in. Ignore it and go on with you life. | |
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| Telling your Ex you’re seeing someone new
Posted: 6/23/2008 12:52:14 PM | | He's an "EX"...you aren't obligated to tell him anything anymore...it's none of his business. If he's playing the suicide card, he's reinforcing the fact that it was smart of you to break up with him...nice of you to call his parents, but really...just check out. | |
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| Telling your Ex you’re seeing someone new
Posted: 6/23/2008 1:32:14 PM | The thing is I recently told my ex that I was seeing someone new, because I wanted him to hear it from me and not one of our mutual friends. Well he calls me the night after going crazy telling me what a mistake he made by letting me go, crying on and on about how much he loves me, and how sorry he is, and he’ll treat me better, all crap I know.
The thing that has me worried is he started talking about killing himself, I called his mother and told her to check in on him cause it really has me worried. But should I call him and check in with him, or have I done all I can and should I just check out, will it just make it worse for him if he knows I still care enough to care?
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Oh Geesus christ! From now on, when you break up, you break up. OK? This is the kinda thing that otherwise happens. I would not touch your ex with a 10ft pole at this point. and if he jumps into the bottomless pit, its really not your concern. He is a legal adult isn't he? | |
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| Telling your Ex you’re seeing someone new
Posted: 6/23/2008 1:41:22 PM | Ignore him. He is talking about killing himself because he is upset and wants attention. Next time he says it, tell him that it would be foolish and you are not going to listen to him talk like that. He he stays on it tell him your hanging up or walking away because you don't want to here it.
He is an ex and not your problem anymore. If he should be stupid enough to do it, its not your fault. | |
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| Telling your Ex you’re seeing someone new
Posted: 6/23/2008 1:43:24 PM | Well really when you think about it, its really none of your EX's business.
you are broken up, so really why should you tell him or her!!! | |
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| Telling your Ex you’re seeing someone new
Posted: 6/23/2008 1:47:25 PM |
He is talking about killing himself because he is upset and wants attention.
Yup. It's manipulation, control, whatever you want to call it. You can't go back to (or stay with) someone because they threaten to take their own life. If he's serious, then he's very mentally disturbed to begin with.
As far as what you tell him, you don't owe him an explanation about anything. He's not your boyfriend, fiance, or husband - he doesn't need to know what's going on in your life. | |
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| Telling your Ex you’re seeing someone new
Posted: 6/23/2008 1:50:22 PM | Some of you people are very cold, indeed. Look, anyone who says they're going to commit suicide, whether they mean it or not, needs to be taken seriously! If the person actually did it, you would feel horrible, and it would not be that easy to just chuck those feelings aside. People who never lived through something like that, could never possibly know what it feels like to be the recipient on the other end of someone who actually takes their life.
So, instead of questioning it with 'so-called' pros in a forum...go call the suicide prevention line, or the police, or a hospital for him. Then, let them do their thing! But, you need to be aware that he needs help, if he's saying things like that.
It doesn't matter what he thinks, or how he thinks. Just do it for him and yourself, before you regret it! | |
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| Telling your Ex you’re seeing someone new
Posted: 6/23/2008 1:59:54 PM | | Your ex is your ex for a reason. You have no obligtions as to account for your current love life/relationships etc., but the fact that he has indicated that he is "mentally unstable" (for want of a better definition), I think as an individual who is aware of this, you should definitely insist that he gets the help he needs. | |
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| Telling your Ex you’re seeing someone new
Posted: 6/23/2008 2:05:53 PM | OP, it may be hard for you to ignore his cries and all the crap about killing himself, but the truth is that he's not going to kill himself. All of the things that he said to you AFTER he found out you were seeing someone is, like you said, crap. He's most likely not going to kill himself, and it was a good idea to tell him mother to check in on him because you're worried about him, but you should not check in on him yourself. If you call him he'll know that you still care enough to check in on him and he will continue to find ways to manipulate you and pull you back into a relationship that is going nowhere.
One of my good friends is in that kind of relationship right now with her ex that she has been broken up with for 2 years. He calls and asks her to hang and annoys her until she says yes and then they fight the whole time they are out. When she meets someone when we go out, his friends will go back and tell him they saw her exchanging phone numbers with someone and he'll call her talking about how he's going to kill himself and she'll go to his house to check on him and the cycle continues.
The Moral of the story is: stay away from your exes by any means necessary. | |
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| Telling your Ex you’re seeing someone new
Posted: 6/23/2008 2:27:12 PM | So what was the real purpose of feeling you had to break the news to him? To gloat or show him that you can find someone who's compatible with you? Or just to hurt him?
First of all, he is your ex because you both can get along, simple as that. What explaination or reason do you feel you owe him? Do you think he will return the favor of letting you know if he finds someone special? Its amazing how ex's act when theyre egos are crushed. Suicide? Yeah right! This guy just wants to cling on to someone who he knows he can cry and whine to. You owe it to yourself and your new friend to focus on getting to know and enjoying each others company rather than dealing with your ex baggage. Nothings more boring than sitting around listening to someone whine about their ex's , i can think of better topics. Apparently both you and your new boyfriend cant let loose of your ex baggage, very sad indeed. | |
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| Telling your Ex you’re seeing someone new
Posted: 6/23/2008 2:37:48 PM | | Don't contact him again. Find out that he's ok through his mother only. How interesting he couldn't stop himself from calling you and recognize only pure ego and not that he really wants you that motivated his response. He doesn't want you and he doesn't want anyone else to have you either. Very Childish. " I Want You Back"; " But now that I see you in his arms, I want you back". Michael Jackson sang this sickness in childhood. | |
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| Telling your Ex you’re seeing someone new
Posted: 6/23/2008 2:38:40 PM | Sometimes people who threaten to kill themselves really do it. If you haven't contacted his mother or another close relative, you should do it so that they can look out for him. Then you need to walk away and let his relatives take care of it.
When you break up with someone you can only be "friends" if both of you is really done with the relationship. It does not seem like your ex- is done, and that's the reason for his desperation. If he really is suicidal, the feeling of loss of control isn't helping things.
Your ex-'s problems are not your fault, but if he is not over you, it is important that you stay away for the sake of his mental health. | |
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| Telling your Ex you’re seeing someone new
Posted: 6/23/2008 3:05:29 PM | Yes, sometimes people are serious about suicide. Those are the ones who DON'T tell anyone and leave a note explaining what was so dark in their lives that they couldn't face another day or leave no note at all. I see examples of both kinds on a weekly basis. The "attempts" are usually a cry for help, attention or to divert scrutiny from some other drama they're dealing with in their lives.
Telling someone that "if you don't do this, I'm going to do that" is just plain manipulation and emotional blackmail. It's the child throwing himself on the floor and having a tantrum until he gets what he wants. If it's reinforced, it becomes a pattern. You told his mother, that's important. The people in his life should be the ones to watch him and/or talk some sense into him. Say a prayer for him...that's all you can do. Again...don't let it dampen your happiness!!! | |
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| Telling your Ex you’re seeing someone new
Posted: 6/23/2008 3:18:50 PM | | experience your new love relationship. Don't bother checking in with him because if he cared about you, he wouldn't be talking like that. He'd be happy for you instead. | |
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| Telling your Ex you’re seeing someone new
Posted: 6/23/2008 4:50:13 PM | | Good GAWD !! I had "one of those". He called me at work and told me everything he was doing. It got to the point where I thought to myself, "this man needs serious help". Then he pulls this "I'm gonna kill myself" thing. I responded with..."well, dear, you do what you have to do. I can't help you there" People will not kill themselves because they lost a loved one...they do it for attention. It's sad, but true. | |
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| Telling your Ex you’re seeing someone new
Posted: 6/23/2008 5:51:57 PM |
fainting goats ::: ..... I recently told my ex that I was seeing someone new, because I wanted him to hear it from me and not one of our mutual friends... WHY? why would you tell him? I also think it is manipulation on your part. Why don't you just stay away from him? He could have heard ti from one of your friends? but I guess you wanted to rub his face in it.
You are not obligated in any way to him, nor are you obligated to tell him who is featured in your life at the moment.
Now I guess he is playing the game of "if I can't have you no one else will" . Do you like the drama? If not move on. You obviously have not.
Stop communicating with him. Move on and enjoy your life. | |
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| Telling your Ex you’re seeing someone new
Posted: 6/23/2008 8:35:56 PM | What purpose did it serve to tell him you were dating? He's you past.............
As for his threat of suicide.........he may or he may not do it..... no one can predict someone else's actions.(which by the way HE is responsible for)..........you called his mother to tell him which was a good thing......beyond that you owe him nothing f..........would it be a sad and unfortunate act on his part? ..yes.........but his emotional blackmail is just another reason why you shouldnt have contact with him.............
Next time he calls tell him you wish him well, but you are getting on with your life, and you suggest he do the same. Dont give him the power to manipulate you............
Good Luck | |
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| Telling your Ex you’re seeing someone new
Posted: 6/23/2008 8:50:14 PM |
go call the suicide prevention line, or the police, or a hospital for him.
The suicide prevention like is for when YOU are thinking of killing YOURSELF. A hospital can't do anything, and the police won't do anything unless you are a threat to someone else.
The OP called the guy's mother, told her about it, and that's all she can do. Now it's out of her hands. Unless you are actually suggesting she get back into a relationship with him just in case he's serious. | |
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| Telling your Ex you’re seeing someone new
Posted: 6/23/2008 8:56:43 PM | | This is really hard for me, because I have a co-worker, that her ex, recently committed suicide. Not over her, but life in general, he hung himself, left her son a note. Had a cousin commit suicide, she shot herself in the head, while her son was trying to talk her into letting him in the house. They do make that choice, and personally I think it's a selfish one. But, I do think you did the right thing in contacting his mother, at least someone is alerted to it. You just never know. But, you can't live your life on the basis that someone might commit suicide. It's not really about you, but with them being fed up with life, and life's pain. Sometimes they just can't bear anymore. | |
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