| Dating What's it all about Alfie
Posted: 6/24/2008 5:16:25 AM | I ask this in the Over 45 Forum because I'm sure that those in their twenties or even thirties would have a different slant on what dating is. I am not interested in the views of those under 45 for that reason.
I wonder. How many of you actually like dating? Now I mean just dating with no expectations of meeting Mr. or Mrs. Right.
How many of you are comfortable with dating two or more people at the same time?
Do you prefer to see more then one person at a time?
Is it something you do on purpose so as not to get attached?
For me dating has always been the process of hopefully meeting the one and only to share the rest of my life with. I have always been that way.
Example: When I was 17 I was on a date with a girl that told me she was thinking about becoming a nun. My immediate reaction to that was to tell her that then this will be our last date. I explained to her that I thought the dating process was to hopefully meet your potential life partner and that since you are thinking about becoming a nun, our dating was pointless to me. She blushed, smiled and winked when she said, well, if it came to that, she's give up the idea of becoming a nun.
I still feel that way. OK, I admit, that the girl that said she might become a nun, did in fact become my wife! When she divorced me 6 years later, I did the happy bachelor thing for about 3 years. And I remember seeing several different ladies at the same time. But at that time, I was convinced I did not ever want to be married or even fall in love again. The pain of that first marriage was something I never wanted to go through again.
Today, I am the same. No point in dating anyone I do not think has the potential of becoming my life partner. Hell, at 59, I'm running out of time as it is! no point wasting dates on those that don't attract enough to think about them as my mate.
So I wonder, how many others think the dating process is mainly to meet ,get to know, that potential life mate? | |
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| Dating What's it all about Alfie
Posted: 6/24/2008 5:19:40 AM | * raises hand *
I have it stated directly on my profile that I do not multi-date, and give the reason why.
It seems to attract like-minded people, which, of course, is why it's on there in the first place.
HnH  | |
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| Dating What's it all about Alfie
Posted: 6/24/2008 5:26:17 AM | | I don't mind dating more than one person as long as there is no sex involved. Then it is just the one person. When I first started dating 2 years after my divorce I was tired of sitting around feeling sorry for myself so I joined an online dating service and away I went. I usually had a date Monday and Tuesday, took off Wednesday and then had a date Thursday and Friday. (I always paid my half for all of you "women just want a free meal" guys. I met a lot of really great people. Had a lot of fun, got out of the house and made a new life for myself. A few I dated seriously for awhile but did not date anyone else while I was seeing them. For me dating is about finding the one I want to hopefully spend the rest of my life with but there is nothing wrong with going out with someone you have a lot in common with because you just might make a new friend. | |
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| Dating What's it all about Alfie
Posted: 6/24/2008 6:52:32 AM | I love dating. I like dating multiple partners, but I'm not looking for "my one true love", I don't think such a phenomenon exists...at least not for me. You raise an interesting question when you ask "Is this something you do on purpose so as not to get attached?". Yes, that's the tip of the iceburg when it comes to my polyamorous relationship style...but it goes much deeper than that for me. I DO intend to "get attached", just not permanently attached to one person.
For me, that just changed the whole relationship too much. I became more judgemental, but in the way that we all have to make judgements about people with whom we're becoming involved if we believe that THIS person might be the last person we become involved with (if that makes sense). When I was still thinking as a monogamist, I felt I had to be pretty sure that the person I was "with" was the right person for me...and that I could feel assured that most of my needs would be met with this person, and that I could meet most of his. It was necessary, for me, that ALL of those needs of mine that were really important to me would be met, and vice versa. I also had to weigh our overall compatibility much more, being sure that we shared a lot of interests, thoughts, and values. I think that way of thinking prevented me from learning as much about life, humanity, and different viewpoints as I'm now able to, as a polyamorist. That's because if there were enough "little things" about a person that I knew would prevent me from wanting to foresake all others in order to be with this person, I'd stop seeing him, knowing that I'd always want to be with someone who did not display those "little things".
As a polyamorist, I feel much more able to "take the good, and leave the bad", since I'm not promising to love only him for the rest of my life. As long as I'm able to feel fulfilled somehow, with someone - and as long as I know I'm not signing up for a lifetime of having to endure those "little things" that get to me (in a negative way), regardless of whether I'm in the mood to endure them, I can be happy when I'm with him...just knowing that we've agreed to be open to share ourselves with other people as well. I've found that, in many cases, these people I would not continue to see if I were looking for my "one true love" have enough rich qualities aside from that "little thing" that I will come to love him in spite of it.
Now, back to the question "Do you do this so as not to get attached?"...I wouldn't want to become too attached to someone who's not going to meet my needs, or who has too many of those "little things" if I were monogamous...but as a polyamorist, those things carry much less weight. I'm not "tied down" to someone who is not everything I need and want in a partner (though I do still get attached, in spite of my lifestyle). I don't resent him for NOT being everything I need, because it's not his job to be everything I need; it's just his job to be himself, and allow me to enjoy those facets of himself without giving up on having my needs met.
And, finally, when I was monogamous, I would often tend to gravitate toward limerent behavior, and the person I was "with" became the only thing in my life that was important. I do better when I spread myself a little thinner than that, so yes, I LIKE dating, and like dating more than one person...all the time. | |
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| Dating What's it all about Alfie
Posted: 6/24/2008 7:45:41 AM | | Well, poly, theories are just fine, but multiple relationships, aside from simple acquaintances, are energy consuming, and most people are monogamist in behaviour because its just too much trouble to be otherwise. Most men daydream about having several dozen lovers, particularly when they are young, but in the end we all tend to settle down with one woman we can get along with, and generally don't want her out there changing the oil on other vehicles, not so much because we are particularly jealous, but because it means more personal work for us, more disturbance to our personal lives. | |
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| Dating What's it all about Alfie
Posted: 6/24/2008 7:54:02 AM | | There is nobody to date if you just want to enjoy dating. The women who want sex already have one or more lovers. Women need not go on dates to get laid. That leaves women who like to date, women who dislike dating but want a relationship but don't like sex, and women who date just to get fed at restaurants. Of those, only the women who actually like dating would be fun to go out with. That would be fine with me but such women are imaginary. | |
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| Dating What's it all about Alfie
Posted: 6/24/2008 8:03:50 AM | I have always told my daughters that dating is for the purpose of finding a life partner, not for someone else to finance their entertainment. For the younger crowd I still stand by that and it's how I rolled back in the day.
At this time in my life I feel either done or adverse to a committed LTR but still enjoy male companionship sometimes and not always the same male. Altho currently I am not dating, in the past I have been upfront about my intentions (or lack thereof where a man/relationship is concerned) and have not misled anyone. I'm perfectly willing to pay my own way if it will prevent a man from feeling used or any confusion about who owes whom what. | |
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| Dating What's it all about Alfie
Posted: 6/24/2008 8:13:28 AM | OP, you said:
No point in dating anyone I do not think has the potential of becoming my life partner. I'm wondering how would you know they have that "potential" if you haven't done things together, meet and talk.. play... share.. explore.. in other words, date? | |
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| Dating What's it all about Alfie
Posted: 6/24/2008 8:35:25 AM | Dating with the goal of finding someone with whom to spend the rest of my life is too much like offering an employment opportunity. Post my requirements, conduct interviews, and put someone on a probation period to see if it works out.
I just date for fun. I have a low threshold of boredom and a wide variety of interests. It has been my experience that most men really only enjoy one or two activities or interest, and the rest of the time, sit in front of a t.v. or with their nose in a book.
I figure as long as I'm not promiscuous, and I'm honest about my intentions, there is no reason I can't date as many guys as I please. | |
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| Dating What's it all about Alfie
Posted: 6/24/2008 9:01:45 AM |
I'm wondering how would you know they have that "potential" if you haven't done things together, meet and talk.. play... share.. explore.. in other words, date?
I would know there is potential in many ways. It's not rocket science nor is it anything like job hunting! Starts maybe with the way she looks, the way she carried herself. Might be after a conversation or two where ever we might meet. Be it a party or the Internet. Then maybe a few phone calls.
Like I said, I don't do the multiple dating thing. And if I found out the one I might have asked out is dating 2 or more other guys, that will stop me from asking her to Begin with. I can only focus on one woman at a time.
True, after a date or two, we both might think we are not right for each other and maybe become just friends and maybe not. But I damn sure don't want the confusion of date A B or C for this night. It's not wrong the way I feel about it, It's my way. It's not wrong the way you do it. It's right for you. No argument there. But I won't even ask a multiple dater out to begin with. Guess I don't like the competition when it comes to woman. I'll let the other 2 3 or 4 guys have her. And I'll move on to find a lady that also wants to focus on just one guy at a time when it comes to dating . | |
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| Dating What's it all about Alfie
Posted: 6/24/2008 9:13:24 AM | Jim,
I understand your feeling on dating guess I am a kindred spririt on that count. I really don't like dating either. This is how it makes me feel.
I feel like a chocolate in a sampler box. Men just want to break me open see what creamy filling is inside and put me back go check out the next chocolate. All I want is to find the one man who will nibble on me alone.
Too much pressure from men who are sampling women and not into getting to know a person and establishing a solid relationship. How do you weed out the samplers to find the serious. It is very hard...... I am honest about what I want.
Blessings! | |
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| Dating What's it all about Alfie
Posted: 6/24/2008 9:28:00 AM |
Jim,
I understand your feeling on dating guess I am a kindred spririt on that count. I really don't like dating either. This is how it makes me feel.
I feel like a chocolate in a sampler box. Men just want to break me open see what creamy filling is inside and put me back go check out the next chocolate. All I want is to find the one man who will nibble on me alone.
Too much pressure from men who are sampling women and not into getting to know a person and establishing a solid relationship. How do you weed out the samplers to find the serious. It is very hard...... I am honest about what I want.
Hi Moon Lit,
Bingo! See, there are others like us this way. I like your chocolate analogy. I don't want to be sampled by a frequent multiple dater either. Focus on one lady at a time.
But we have to be careful about expressing what we want. We will be labeled insecure, needy etc. It's just not normal to know what we want and go after it I guess! lol
How do we weed them out? Well maybe by conversation. I might ask her if she is dating anyone else. Duh! Or when was your last date etc. If she says it was****on Monday, Harry on Thursday and Frank last night, I just lost all interest in her. Bye.
Especially if she is sexually active. I don't do sloppy seconds. yuk!
Good luck in your search. | |
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| Dating What's it all about Alfie
Posted: 6/24/2008 9:41:20 AM |
True, after a date or two, we both might think we are not right for each other and maybe become just friends and maybe not.
So, if a lady wants to go out with you, she has to brush everyone else off. Then, if it doesn't seem to be going anywhere in a date or two, it's all over. Meanwhile, the lady has already ruined her chances with anyone else in her area she was talking to or seeing because she fluffed them off in order to date you.
IMO, to have an exclusive relationship before you even know if you like one another seems like putting the cart before the horse. | |
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| Dating What's it all about Alfie
Posted: 6/24/2008 11:11:52 AM | Well Jim...this has been a very refreshing commentary to listen to. So often it seems that it is we women that are in favor of looking for someone to share this last adventurous quest with finally, some free time to smell the roses... or to even bring up that this might be the 'home' stretch and that we might actually want to share in some delight with ONE partner before cashing in our chips  !
Thanks for the heads up that there are really some men out there looking for the same thing  .
But yes 'dating' seems to be a catch 22 in that a lot of men our age seem to be flitting from one flower to the next with no inclination whatsoever of making longer term commitments...it would be lovely if they were upfront from the beginning about their real goals instead of alluding to something that will never exist. But that's the nature of this medium I suppose... | |
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| Dating What's it all about Alfie
Posted: 6/24/2008 11:22:51 AM | i think jim most of us in this forum that are age legitimate were raised in the "dating = exclusive" thing. nothing wrong with that. i shared on another formum though that many of us have a serious problem which stretchs us a bit on this issue. speaking for me, i believe in love and consider myself a one woman man. problem is i will not EVER EVER settle for someone just to have a companion (for sex or anything else). so i have two choices that i can see (please feel free to correct me pof pals). i can either not date at all, or i can "date around" until i find someone i really like and (if she likes me) settle down and let the relationship deepen and maybe become more permenant. it is a tough situation but not one that is unbearable. besides getting out of our traditional comfort zones will keep all of us thinking younger which is far more important to health and happiness than looking younger. or as someone else put it the only difference between a rut, a comfort zone and a grave is that the grave is smaller. the old parrothead | |
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| Dating What's it all about Alfie
Posted: 6/24/2008 11:36:22 AM | Parrothead,
I understand where your coming from. I agree, I'm not going to settle for someone just to have a companion or whatever. I'm not saying I can juts pick one and boom! I found her! Let's get married lol
I'm saying one woman at a time. I won't be dating 2 or three at the same time. Once I sense or see it is not working with the one I'm dating (or she sees it's not working) then I will seek someone else to date. I like to think I can pretty much judge a book by the cover so to speak. I can sense if there is even a chance we will hit it off. Been wrong many times, but I'll trust my gut instincts. | |
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| Dating What's it all about Alfie
Posted: 6/24/2008 11:56:50 AM |
So, if a lady wants to go out with you, she has to brush everyone else off. Then, if it doesn't seem to be going anywhere in a date or two, it's all over. Meanwhile, the lady has already ruined her chances with anyone else in her area she was talking to or seeing because she fluffed them off in order to date you.
You trying to trip me up? Sheesh these questions get harder and harder! lol
Quite obviously I have no control over this new potential date.. She can do as she pleases. It's her right She does not have to do anything. It's just that if I see she wants to date others, I'm not gonna be asking her out.
So let me stick my head on the chopping block some more here. Hypothetically. I meet a lady and we talk whatever. I like what I see and hear. I can see she has the body language and eye contact etc, that indicates she likes me too. So I ask her out. We have a great time. Next date...same thing. But we shared some private thoughts feelings about life etc. Meaning getting to know each other a little better. We had some tender moments holding hands or whatever (not sex) So let's say I call her 2 days later and ask her out for the next night. And she says sorry, she has a date already. Fine, have fun. But it is at that point I'm done. She might wonder why I don't ask her out again. But she is free to do as she pleases and not ruined her chances with anyone else. She will not know I don't date multi daters until she shows me she is one! lol I damn sure would not suggest to her that she has to date only me if we go out. That will just happen if the first date is what we both wanted it to be. If not, she is free to date a guy a night. But I won't be around.
Up to her. Not me. I just do not share and never will. If she is not happy dating just me and wants to see others, no problem. See ya!
IMO, to have an exclusive relationship before you even know if you like one another seems like putting the cart before the horse.
I agree. Never suggested it is exclusive. Juts would hope that after the first or second date and phone calls etx, that she would want it exclusive to. If not,, then she is not right for me to persue further... even find out she is right for me. lol Like I said, I don't share.
To each there own. Can ya tell I hate this thing called dating? lol | |
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| Dating What's it all about Alfie
Posted: 6/24/2008 2:09:41 PM |
....Of those, only the women who actually like dating would be fun to go out with. That would be fine with me but such women are imaginary.
I agree that women that actually like dating seem to be imaginary. | |
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| Dating What's it all about Alfie
Posted: 6/24/2008 2:32:25 PM | Jeepers! Now I'm confused.
. And if I found out the one I might have asked out is dating 2 or more other guys, that will stop me from asking her to Begin with.
You won't even ask her out to a meet and greet if she is seeing other men.
Never suggested it is exclusive. Juts would hope that after the first or second date and phone calls etx, that she would want it exclusive to.
I guess I don't understand the meaning of exclusive. If the condition for a guy to go out with me is that I not be seeing anyone else, even casually, then it sounds as though it is exclusive.
Sigh...another dialect of manspeak I haven't learned to translate. | |
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| Dating What's it all about Alfie
Posted: 6/24/2008 3:15:15 PM | . And if I found out the one I might have asked out is dating 2 or more other guys, that will stop me from asking her to Begin with.
You won't even ask her out to a meet and greet if she is seeing other men.
Right. I know the type. If she is playing the field, she is not interested in the same things I am. A woman that dates several different men all in the same week is not a woman I would want.
I only want the woman that makes up her mind about seeing only one guy at a time.
She would be like me. One at a time! What's so hard to understand about that?
Never suggested it is exclusive. Just would hope that after the first or second date and phone calls etc, that she would want it exclusive to.
I guess I don't understand the meaning of exclusive. If the condition for a guy to go out with me is that I not be seeing anyone else, even casually, then it sounds as though it is exclusive.
I never said I'd make it a condition. Would not have the right to even suggest it. How foolish. It's just that you would be passed up by me because I don't do multi-daters. Simple as that.
Sigh...another dialect of manspeak I haven't learned to translate. | |
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| Dating What's it all about Alfie
Posted: 6/24/2008 3:36:57 PM | Dearest Pazoozoo, it isn't "man-speak" at least for this man. I don't get it either. If I run into a lady I want to meet ... then I do! If we get along and I want to meet her again ... then I do! If her dance card gets too crowded and there is not time for me, then I move on. I expect any lady I meet is doing her own version of the same thing. I suppose all I really expect is that when she is with me she pays attention to me and I do the same. Once we part, she is free to do as she pleases and so am I.
There is such a thing as a committed relationship. My understanding of it is that two people sit down and come to agreement on how they want things to work between them and where the boundaries of acceptability are. I am not interested in a sexual relationship with more than one lady at a time and I prefer to have her undivided attention as well. So for me, a sexual relationship requires some sort of discussion and commitment.
It seems foolish to me to decide in advance any more than I have to about how this is going to work. It's a lot more fun to do it together with whatever lady I have in mind. | |
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| Dating What's it all about Alfie
Posted: 6/24/2008 4:28:57 PM | Jim,
1st off … great topic & 1 I'm sure will get a lot of responses. My whole idea of dating has evolved over the past couple of yrs. I guess I should explain that I fell in love & got married at a fairly young age & stayed married for 30 yrs before my divorce 4 yrs ago. So I never got much of a chance to date when I was younger. After my divorce I spent the next 2 yrs addressing some personal issues that were remnants of my failed marriage. As long as I had these issues to deal with I didn’t think I was really ready to meet someone new & possibly begin a new relationship.
When I finally did start dating about 2 yrs ago my philosophy was pretty much the same as yours. The 1st 20 yrs of my marriage were VERY good & I wanted nothing more than to meet someone special & start a new relationship that would last forever. However, I found out in pretty quick fashion … it’s not quite that easy. Once people reach the age of 50 they have some pretty definite ideas of what they want & what they don’t want from a relationship. Many people have baggage remaining from past life experiences that they continue to carry around with them. And then there was my inexperience in dating. I never expected to be 50 yrs old & single so I was totally unprepared for the situation I found myself in.
I made probably every mistake a person can make when they 1st start dating. I went on blind dates that friends had set up for me. I went into every date with very high expectations. I found myself subconsciously playing a role instead of being myself. You name it … I did it. But with each mistake made, I learned a little bit more about myself. And that was important since my own desires & interests had always been a secondary priority with me while I was married … behind those of my wife & children.
Then I went on several consecutive dates, had a wonderful time & was convinced my dates did too … only to get a phone call or email a few days later that started off with … "you are a really great guy but …". The but was the other person simply hadn’t felt the spark or didn’t think the chemistry was right between us. Of course since I felt just the opposite this only served to frustrate & confuse me. After taking some time to carefully relive some of those dates I decided that what was at fault was my motivation. I was desperate for companionship & somehow that desperation must have been apparent to my dates & scared them off.
So I stopped dating for a while but that wasn’t any fun & I still missed having someone special in my life. So I decided I needed to change my focus. Instead of searching for my soul mate, someone to begin a serious relationship with, I would try very hard not to look beyond the date & focus on simply enjoying the moment. After all, it was obvious that I had no control over what would happen beyond that 1st date anyway so it seemed logical to me. I also decided I needed to find ways in which I can be more comfortable with the idea of being single & not having someone special to share my life with. I’m still struggling with that one but I’m doing better.
Soooo … to answer your specific questions:
1. How many of you actually like dating? I definitely enjoy dating & feel like I’m
enjoying it more each time I go out.
2. Now I mean just dating with no expectations of meeting Mr. or Mrs. Right. That’s
EXACTLY where I am right now. I look at dating as a social activity & if anything
more than that happens hopefully I will recognize it & prepared for it.
3. How many of you are comfortable with dating two or more people at the same
time? I’m very comfortable with dating 2 or more people simultaneously. I
list “dating” as my preference on my profile, not long term & I’m up front when I
meet new people. Now, that doesn’t mean I’m open to the possibilities of more … it
just means I’m not going on each date expecting that.
4. Do you prefer to see more then one person at a time? Right now it’s the right thing
for me to do. I found that when I was searching for my soul mate too often I missed
the opportunity to enjoy the moment. Life is simply too short for that. I try to
enjoy myself as much as possible & try to see to tit that my date does as well.
5. Is it something you do on purpose so as not to get attached? Absolutely not! Like I
said, there is nothing that would make me happier than to meet someone special that
I could share my life with. It’s something I do to keep my sanity. It eliminates
feeling of rejection & makes life a whole lot more enjoyable.
I know there will be others who disagree with me but this is what works for me … at least right now. And, hey … I’ve only dated for 2 yrs, the way I see it … I’m still a rookie!
Gary | |
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| Dating What's it all about Alfie
Posted: 6/24/2008 5:27:34 PM | I have never dated more then one guy at a time. And usually I hate dating. I love that comfy feeling of doing fun things with someone I know but dating to me is the part where you go out and do things while you are trying to get to know one another and to me, it's tricky........... I've found that some of my worst dates were great life partners!
And some of my best dates were NOT great life partners.........
I enjoy the every day living and having fun together and going and doing fun things with that familiar person I love............ Dating is how I meet and get to know that person..........and it can be decieving.......... | |
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| Dating What's it all about Alfie
Posted: 6/24/2008 5:47:28 PM | What parrothead 13 said.
OK if a woman is dating a different guy every night of the week that's a little over the top. But the way these things often work, you'll have a couple of guys interested, or none. And what about group activities that might include a certain man or 2 that we are interested in getting to know one another,without it being the standard "date".
Yes, ideally the goal of dating is to get to know someone and determine if there's enough to build an exclusive relationship, and I don't know how anybody can do that if they are dating half a dozen men. That said, I've dropped guys before when they got hinky about me associating with any other guys(within reason!) right off the bat. I think "insecure", "controlling", "jealous", and the guy is a non starter.
Cindy O | |
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| Dating What's it all about Alfie
Posted: 6/24/2008 5:50:23 PM | Hi Gary,
Thank you for a really great post. I wish I was more like you in many regards when it comes to this dating thing, Maybe in time I will evolve like you did. By the way, I have seen you in other threads and have always enjoyed your posts. You are the kind of guy I'd be proud to call a friend.
Thanks again Gary. | |
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