| Biblical X-Men
Posted: 6/24/2008 7:52:42 PM | As I was growing up I found myself enamored with comic books. This ran an entire gamut of characters from the comical to the super hero. Super heroes were a particular favorite of mine since they exhibited powers we could never possess. I was particularly fascinated by the heroes that had mundane or tragic lives while at the same time being despised or questionable as a hero. It came to my attention today that I was completely incorrect about this. Super heroes have existed, all you need is faith. I call them the Biblical X-Men. The Bible is replete with beings with extraordinary powers and all kinds of crazy chicanery always taking place.
First off, in the Old Testament, the life span of humans was insane. Methuselah lived for over a 1000 years. For that matter, many lived ridiculous live spans. What do you do for 1000 years in that part of the world at that time period? Tend sheep, fish, wander the desert in search of a burning bush, chase young chicks around at the local Hooters? I think it would be a pretty damn boring existence unless of course you were swallowed by a whale and rode around in his belly for awhile to break the monotony. So super long lives! This is a power I personally would not want. You imagine the condition of your skin by the time you are 200? No skin products then. Well I am sure you could use goat or sheep fat, it could help. So by the time you are 1000, you would be a pile of crusty, dry skin not to mention the fact you had not had an erection for 956 years. Dust in the wind man.
Joshua or the person people refer to as Jesus was the bomb. He was the first cloner and he did it on the spot. At the Sermon on the Mount he cloned bread and fish so everyone could eat. It took scientist decades to get to where we are presently. He turned water to wine. A little known fact is he controlled weather also. During a storm, his disciples were scared crapless so Jesus yelled at the storm to subside and it did. He was enjoying 40 winks and nothing pisses you off more then your disciples having no faith! Walking across water was also a specialty, this came in handy when he sliced his golf balls into the water traps when he played 18 holes once a week. He healed the blind and lepers so he had incredible healing powers. The topper was coming back from the dead. Comic book heroes do that all the time but Jesus de Christ was the first human to do so. I bet he could have kicked Mike Tyson’s ass in the ring.
Then we had Moses that was able to part the Red Sea and let his people march across it. Of course that was a problem since many of his people were gathering fish along the way for a tremendous fish roast they had planned after reaching the other side. Mose was screaming “People, we don’t have ALL day here! It takes a lot of energy to hold back this water and I am not doing this just for the fun it!” He was long winded also. After wandering the dessert for years, he also returned with a killer pompadour. This also changed hair styling history.
Aaron had a staff which turned into a serpent and when the king brought forth his magi, they replicated the trick by creating snakes from staffs but Daniel’s snake ate them all. I wish I had this power. If an abusive police officer pulled me over and started raking me over the coals, I would have my staff transform and have it crawl into his pants and randomly start biting. Drive away, no ticket. It would be a good way to chase people away and rid myself of small animals I don’t particularly like.
There was Joshua and his priest that sang for seven days and their voices brought the walls of Jericho down. This is either super sound waves or super halitosis, we will never know for sure.
Those were exciting times. You never knew when your city would be ravaged by angels or for that fact death himself and you were a goner! That happened quite a bit. Or you are walking along and look back at your significant other and she turns into a pillar salt. Why not a tasteful statue of a swan or dolphin? I know too many people that would look intentionally. Why could it not have been a pile of tasty potato skins with sour cream?
We had Samson of the super strength that when he first manifested his strength as a child tore a lion apart. It relates in the Bible that up to that point men only tore goats apart with their bare hands so he set a new precedence. I myself cannot tear a phone book in half. I might be able to tear a small frozen rodent apart. A goat, no way, too damn mean and they bite and kick. I have seen dwarf and grandpa tossing so I guess tearing goats apart is not too far fetched. Not only did he have super strength but he started the long hair trend that became so acceptable for later generations. I truly believe he was the first man to wear a mullet and that is why his lady cut it off.
You think George Romero got all his Zombie movie idea from his imagination? No, he read about Ezekiel raising his zombie army to go into battle. I think the movie “Army Of Darkness” was loosely based upon this especially the part when Ezekiel turned to his woman and said “Give me some sugar baby!”
This list is endless. Why was that time so exciting? You never knew if you would meet your demise at the hands of a ass’s jawbone or have the angel of death come and take your first born or if it would rain for 40 days and night and your crops still die from lack of water. I just want to know how the big “G” meister dealt with all the aquatic life and birds during the Ark escapade. Did he destroy all the evil fish and birds? We can only hope. | |
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