| Chores/Housework
Posted: 6/25/2008 8:45:40 PM | Hello I am just wanting to hear some peoples opinions on this.....
My BF and I have been living together since December, and I have a 3 year old, I work full-time in the evenings until 11:30pm, go to school Tuesdays and Thursdays and drive my daughter to and from daycare Monday and Tuesday. My BF also works evenings but not quite full-time and does not have the added responsiblities that I do.......Just a bit of background.
When it comes to "chores" I maintain the house; dishes, laundry etc., and he maitains the lawn (cutting the grass once or twice a week)
I find it really hard to keep up on the housework and things get really behind the house becomes a mess and laundry gets really backed up.......
We have been having quite a few arguments lately about the lack of housework that I am able to accomplish, he feels that it is completly disrespectful to him that I let the housework get so behind and the house so messy.
I was just wondering if he is justified for a lack of a better word in feeling this way, he claims that I dont care about him and I do not respect him because I cannot respect our house...
.......I should also add that he will not even throw a load of his own laundry in when he is out of clothes because it is my chore, Sorry for the little vent there. 
Edit/Add... He although will help tidy up on occasion and take out the garbage I didnt want it to seem as though he does nothing. | |
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Posted: 6/25/2008 8:50:45 PM | Are his only chores to tidy up on ocassion/ do garbage and cutting the grass?
Irregardless of the other responsibilities - d0 you feel that you guys are putting in equally?
Is the financial contribution equal? | |
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| Chores/Housework
Posted: 6/25/2008 8:52:32 PM | OP, a good book and/or exercise for you and your BF, would be His Needs/Her Needs.
7 months into this relationship with these issues cropping up, it may be a good thing to read and implement. I wish I had known about it when I was younger.
Just a suggestion.
~ds~ | |
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| Chores/Housework
Posted: 6/25/2008 8:53:20 PM | | honestly I do not feel as though we are contributing equally, and in regards to finances I make significantly more so I also contribute more financially. | |
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Posted: 6/25/2008 8:55:13 PM | davidsauvignon
Thanks for the suggestion I will have to look into that...
I should also have added he has lived with a woman before whereas I have never lived with a man so I sometimed feel as though I am overreacting.
ADD....He moved from his parents and I moved from my appartment. | |
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Posted: 6/25/2008 8:56:55 PM | did you move into HIS house? if yes, he's used to things being a certain way. and then along comes love which includes a toddler. quite an adjustment for someone that is not used to it.
you should shoulder most of the responsibility especially for keeping tidy your things and your childs.
having said that...he really should step up a bit and help out understanding you many things on your plate that he doesn't. remind him what he did before you started living together. ask him if the only reason he chose to live with you is so he could have a maid. LOL
anyway, i'm rambling....with no real point.
talk to him about the 'chore' list and work it out. take turns doing the laundry or tell him you will be responsible for yours and your childs and he can do his own. just like everything else it comes down to communication.
as always, just my opinion and GOOD LUCK!! | |
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| Chores/Housework
Posted: 6/25/2008 8:57:10 PM | You guys are young, and too young to be contributing differently - in my opinion.
You shouldn't expect anything of eachother in that regards, because it will just lead to arguments and resentment. Make sure everything is equal. Is there a reason he is only working part time and making less money than you? Let him know you're not his house wife and he has to contribute just as much as you - if not he should be contributing more financially to compensate for all the work you do around the house. Times have changed now and it isn't the womans job to be the housewife especially when she's making the money.
I have to remind my bf of this constantly as well, but I won't put up with anything less than 50 / 50 contribution.
He has no right to put you down if you're too busy and honestly not being lazy.
You deserve more than that, he isn't respecting you at all.
Then again, with or without him it's always important to keep up on the chores- and as hectic as life can be I believe there is always time to maintain a proper household.
But do remember that he is under no obligation to provide for your child in any way.
It's your responsibility to provide for your child, and it's your responsibility to accept all that having a child entails. When you had the kid you accepted a stressful more hectic life - and all you can do is be positive about it. Going around complaining about how busy you are will only waste time you DO have, and you will get lazier and lazier accepting the fact that you are TOO busy and shouldn't be. | |
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| Chores/Housework
Posted: 6/25/2008 9:00:39 PM | Out of the two of you, I think you are not the one being disrespectful.
This is obviously a man who feels that housework is "women's work". He is being a selfish**** | |
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Posted: 6/25/2008 9:01:07 PM | Feels like Oscar and Felix to me...
Maybe you critisized him at some point about him not doing some of those chores correctly? My ex used to complain about me not doing the chores correctly... like washing the colors with whites when I did laundry...
It made me just give up on doing chores and I let her do them the way she wanted. But then of course she whined about me not doing my share. Give him a way to win and you'll both be happy... | |
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Posted: 6/25/2008 9:01:58 PM | | I do not live with BF (still with parents) so I may be wrong. I think you are too old to divide chores. Both should be adult and know what need to be done in the house and consider how hard the other is working (or not working). If he can not consider you working late and he can not do dishes or do landry, he is wrong. | |
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Posted: 6/25/2008 9:02:53 PM | With my lazy boyfriend, I tried the whole "appreciating him" but it didn't seem to work.
I'd thank him and let him know that I noticed all of the things he did around the house, but
it didn't last. I find that the only way to keep a lazy man in line is to nag and nag and nag.
Personally, I've run out of options.
"I do not live with BF (still with parents) so I may be wrong. I think you are too old to divide chores. Both should be adult and know what need to be done in the house and consider how hard the other is working (or not working). If he can not consider you working late and he can not do dishes or do landry, he is wrong."
You're never too old to divide chores if it gets things done, and gets them done fairly.
People are brought up differently and everyone has different standards. You must work in the relationship to come to a compromise. Some people are clean freaks, and it is unfair to accept the same from a spouse that hasn't given a damn about a tidy place in his or her life. For an extreme example. Some men just don't have that housewife gene in them that gives them the urge to keep things clean. There's nothing wrong with letting him know he needs to help out more around the house and you can't always assume that people will take responsibility for such things - especially things they have no interest in like cleaning the house. | |
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Posted: 6/25/2008 9:23:57 PM | > Some men just don't have that housewife gene in them
That's because any mutants who did have that gene were taken to be gay, and thus the trait was effectively bred out of the population. By women.
And now you gals want it back? Sheesh, make up your minds already.
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Posted: 6/25/2008 9:25:41 PM | Have you tried just asking him to do "......" and "......" while you are at work?
I am famous for stopping on the way out the door asking my bf to please finish the laundry or would you mind please sweeping the floor today or any other mundane chore I hadn't had a chance to do.
Some (most) men require direction, and you are the only one who can direct him. You may be looking at a relationship where you have 2 children to clean up after instead of one....and if you find thats the case I'd be telling him that. | |
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Posted: 6/25/2008 9:50:59 PM | I think you're being taken advantage of and/or letting yourself be taken advantage of. You're busier than him AND doing way more housework than him? That's not right. (Unfortunately, however, it's more common than not that women do more housework and childcare than men when both partners are working full-time.)
I think you need to outline to him clearly how much more you're doing than him, ask him how he can contribute more, and hold him accountable. If he doesn't do it, my advice is to perhaps go to counselling. If this issue doesn't resolve I'd leave. | |
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Posted: 6/25/2008 9:56:04 PM | | Why are you with this person? Anyone that disrespectful would not be living in my home. | |
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Posted: 6/25/2008 9:58:26 PM |
You're never too old to divide chores if it gets things done, and gets them done fairly.
This is true but both should want to do things fairly anyways. He should know to help when she has been busy all day and not be to lazy to do it. In my future, I hope to not need a chart to make sure each person does thier equal share (like children). If he is working and I have fewer classes, I will do more chores. If I have 12 hour of classes and he has day off, I hope he does more chores and not say "it is her day to do dishes, so I'll leave them"
To the rest of what you say, that is the reason to know the person very well before moving together. Of course, like you say, you must compromise in relationship. | |
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Posted: 6/25/2008 9:58:47 PM | | You’re being disrespectful? Oh, Prunella! You work more hours and do everything except cut the grass (and since you live in Manitoba, I’m guessing that mowing isn’t anywhere near being a year-round chore). Get a sheet of paper; draw a line down the middle; on one side list all your responsibilities ; in the other column, list the blood, sweat and tears that Rodney Dangerfield toils through every week (tip: when you start, make your column wider; you’re gonna need it). SHOW him how the paper is tilting to your side of the table, and let him know that some responsibilities need to be shifted from column “A” to column “B”. | |
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Posted: 6/25/2008 10:14:41 PM | So tell us.. between your TWO children, which one is willing to help out more? The 3 year old or the other one who shall remain ageless until a proper maturity is determined for him.
In other words, the guy has more friggin' nerve than Carter had little liver pills!!! To not only refuse to carry an equal share of ALL of the responsibilities but to also criticize someone who is already running to catch up to herself takes a lot of audacity! It sounds to me like his strategy is to get his criticism in before you can even begin to tackle his lil boy a$$.
For those who say that he shouldn't have to help with responsibilities concerning the child, I say pffftt!! He moved in with a mother and child... and they with him. If he was just gonna be another kid, he should have stayed home with his mommy...
And for those who say that the wife criticized how they did things... It never fails to amaze me how the only resolution for that is to let her do everything herself. What ever happened to learning how to do the laundry without everybody having to replace their wardrobes cuz somebody doesn't want to learn how to sort clothes???
If he was mine, he'd either haul up beside me and get busy or he could go clean his own house, do his own laundry, make his own meals and criticize himself for slacking off... Cept he'd probably move right back home with his Mommy...
Fair is fair... don't accept less... That's not only childish but it will wear you out and sabotage your dreams. | |
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Posted: 6/25/2008 10:23:51 PM |
I have a 3 year old, I work full-time in the evenings until 11:30pm, go to school Tuesdays and Thursdays and drive my daughter to and from daycare Monday and Tuesday. My BF also works evenings but not quite full-time and does not have the added responsiblities that I do So, you have the equivalent of 1.5 jobs, anf he maybe has .9 jobs; about right?
he feels that it is completly disrespectful to him that I let the housework get so behind and the house so messy. In regards to the previously mentioned responsibilities OUTSIDE the home, you'll just have to explain to him that there's only so many hours in a day, YOU are doing the best you can with the time and energy you have, and if that isn't up to snuff, HIS options are 1) do more inside the house to help get it up to HIS standards; 2) start working full time on at least ONE job, so you both can afford to 2a) have YOU work part time so you'll have more time and energy to get the house up to HIS standards while finishing your education, or 2b) hire a maid/housekeeper once a week, so the house will meet HIS standards.
If he refuses to see reason in any of the above suggestions, there's always 3) he just lightens the heck up! However, if NONE OF THE ABOVE is acceptable, you seriously need to reconsider whether this boy (yes, I said that-based on what I've read, he's acting like he wants you to be his momma, not his partner) is good for you and your little girl; a real man knows how to "step up." It's not about "control," it's about respect; you don't need to do these things to get one up on him; you need to do these things to establish -NOW- your limitations and your needs. I can tell you from **painful personal experience** that if there isn't at least a will to foster mutual respect for one another -as equal partners in the relationship- from the get-go, it's NOT going to suddenly appear later on.
If you continue with the status quo, you might as well tattoo "WELCOME" across your body, as you will be playing the part of the doormat. | |
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Posted: 6/25/2008 10:30:32 PM | Wait...
He works evenings, but not quite full-time? This is his only vocation, like, he doesn't have a full-time job aside from just not-quite-fulltime evenings?
Damn. One of you needs to get a life. I'd say if he's enough of a chauvinist lazyass(this is assuming he only works that part-time evening crap) to use you as such, or you are willing to be satisfied with someone who only wants you for Cinderella sex...
Ya'll both need to look at one another, and one needs to get rid of the other. You kind of people are why kids are such slack-asses, and why the divorce rate is so high these days.
Grow up.
Compassionately...-Nomad- | |
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Posted: 6/25/2008 10:31:09 PM | He has never lived on his own and hasn't had to be a grown up yet.
There are four hand and this much work. My approach to chores is: What do you want to keep? and What would you like to give up? | |
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Posted: 6/25/2008 10:48:00 PM | I say it should be 50/50
you do half, I do half :)
sounds good right?
I think thats a reasonable agreement that can be reached................................................................................ | |
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Posted: 6/25/2008 11:20:33 PM | Sounds a bit like a situation I was in.
My then bf complained that I wasn't doing enough round the house and that he was doing more than me and he wanted to divide the work more fairly.
I told him to write up a list of housework and how long it takes...he did..and he discovered that I was doing three times more than him.
He ended up doing a rota..and he had to take on more! 
Ironic really! | |
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Posted: 6/25/2008 11:25:38 PM | | You should change your POF name to ....MoMmYoF tWo...... | |
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Posted: 6/25/2008 11:45:20 PM | | Tell him to go home and live with Mommy. You aren't his maid. He should at the very least be doing his own cooking, laundry, and dishes. All of my friends who are married or involved do a whole hell of a lot more than he is doing. Start being too tired to have sex because of all the housework. | |
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