| Is it EVER your fault?
Posted: 6/26/2008 9:04:04 PM | Is it EVER your fault?
Have you ever seen one post from someone male or female where they admit that they are the reason that their relationship failed? Me either!!!! Nope it wasn't their fault!!! It's like a damn prison around here, they are ALL innocent in there too!!!
I have read with some interest how some men think that they are the ONLY ones that are taken for a ride. But we are living in an age where one out of three relationship has a woman as the main breadwinner. One word Manimony!!! Be honest some of you men are getting it! Oh I hear you!!! Not me!!!
Women complain that their man cheated while they were at church. Come on who are they cheating with? Some of YOU women!!!
So is there one brave,honest person who can say that they fawked up? I will settle for it was only half your fault! | |
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| Is it EVER your fault?
Posted: 6/26/2008 9:11:46 PM | | Well, I agree with you. Everyone is innocent and it makes me sick. I'm innocent too and I'm beginning to make MYSELF sick that I've always been so gosh darned innocent of any wrong-doing, but I been DONE wrong, lemme tell ya. | |
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| Is it EVER your fault?
Posted: 6/26/2008 9:13:56 PM | I DID spend all the money on booze and drugs and women, but it was MY money, right? I was the only one bringin' in the money, right? All she had to do was look after kids.
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eazk
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Joined: 9/8/2006
Msg: 4 | |
| Is it EVER your fault?
Posted: 6/26/2008 9:18:12 PM | Sure. And yes...I grew up too late for her. Mistakes happen...it's not the mistakes that hurt you the most, it's what you learn from them. Who we are is 10% what happens to us and 80% how we respond to it...and 10% pure dumb luck and timing.
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| Is it EVER your fault?
Posted: 6/26/2008 9:20:30 PM | I guess I have to disagree with your premise, Rose. I read thread after thread where the OP admits to some portion of fault or blame. Thing is, that usually gets lost from the rest of the posters who valiantly ride in on their steeds and offer all sorts of support and tell these people, "It's not your fault....don't blame yourself....he was jerk anyway....she was a whore, forget her....I would never treat you like that....you need to quit thinking about him and his new fling (& vice versa) and start thinking about yourself....bla bla bla"
~ds~ | |
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| Is it EVER your fault?
Posted: 6/26/2008 9:23:01 PM | | I have, I know full well I was just as bad a spouse as both my husbands were and I've posted several times that I'm not material for relationships. Why fight it, I know my limits. | |
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| Is it EVER your fault?
Posted: 6/26/2008 9:25:36 PM | Good question, Indigo. And yes, I have admitted screwing up in my marriage as well as a few other relationships since then. I think that the mature and adult thing to do after a relationship ends is to analyze what went wrong and your contribution to it. I don't believe that it is always solely one person's fault. It can be a variety of factors. I married my high school sweetheart and we were way too young (and inexperienced with life) to even be a couple. The relationship lasted 13 years and we remain friends now. She is remarried, I am not. I came from an extremely dysfunctional family where my father was a rageaholic and I really did believe in those days that arguing was healthy and a form of communication. My marriage was a carbon copy of my parent's marriage and that wasn't good at all.
I believe that when something fails it can be a blessing in some respects because those brave enough to analyze their roles can learn from a bad experience. Each relationship that didn't work out was a chance for me to ask how I contributed to it. In some cases it was just a bad match. I've never been one to cheat because it is my firm belief that if you don't want to be with someone leave them and avoid the deceit and heartache. So, cheating has never been an issue that contributed to the demise of any of my relationships. Now, I find myself being super selective (something I learned because of failed relationships) and just being more comfortable at times being alone that being in the company of the wrong person for the wrong reasons. Live and learn! | |
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| Is it EVER your fault?
Posted: 6/26/2008 9:35:19 PM | Forgive me Indigo, for I have sinned. It has been since you last asked this question that I have confessed.
In my first relationship it was my pride that brought me down. I was angry that my girlfriend wanted us to walk home from school together in the alleys and not on the sidewalks where people could see us. She was tired of being teased, but I thought it was because she was ashamed of being seen with me. I took back the ring I gave her. She stuck her tongue out at me. The rest of that 7th grade year was a living hell. I should have been more understanding, seen things from her point of view, realized it wasn't about me. Not everything is about me. The world does not revolve around me. I am not the center of the universe. I am somebody and I am special but there is more to life than just my own personal story. There are the stories of other people who can't help not being me. I know this now and if I ever get another chance I will gladly slink home through alleys to save my girlfriend from being teased. I am sorry. I am bad. I am going to hell and I deserve it. | |
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egbdf
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Joined: 8/20/2007
Msg: 9 | |
| Is it EVER your fault? Most Interesting Topic!
Posted: 6/26/2008 9:37:39 PM | I just saw this topic - great idea bringing it up.
I had thoughts like this when I was in a divorce recovery group while my divorce was going through. I was glad that the atmosphere was accepting of the idea that it was all the other person's fault. At that time I guess I needed that.
Then some time passed, and S-L-O-W-L-Y I made some progress in getting through the pain of my divorce. All during that time, I reminded myself (and anyone else who would listen) that it was all her fault. Other people got sick of hearing it, so I had to just talk to myself! :-)
Then I volunteered to help run the group for other newly divorcing people. As I progressed in my life and healing, it became more apparent to me how one-sided it was. One night this young lady mentioned that she wondered how much at fault she had been. The other participants went right to work showing her how it was all really his fault! The idea of accepting part of the responsibility was not comfortable for the group members.
Painful as it was, I believe that an important part of my having a better life - and making my little part of the world better for anyone around me - is learning what part I had in the relationship's pain and death. And once I can see it, owning up to it. | |
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| Is it EVER your fault?
Posted: 6/26/2008 9:38:09 PM | Well, given that this is primarily a dating website, people don't exactly want to highlight mistakes with past mates to potential mates. Sort of like going on a job interview and explaining all the things you screwed up in your last job.
But I'm a glutton for punishment, so here goes.
I was at least half to blame for my last breakup. I was on a bit of an emotional roller coaster due to something pretty traumatic that had happened to me, and I got jealous and over-emotional. He said I was negative and difficult, and he was absolutely right. I like to think I've learned from my mistakes. These days, when I feel myself starting to overreact to something, I stop and ask myself whether whatever it is is truly worth my getting so worked up over. I've learned that "well, this is what *I* would do in that situation, so why doesn't he?" is not a valid viewpoint, given that the way people perceive and react to situations is entirely different.
Being honest with yourself and admitting you were a lousy ex is the first and most important step in becoming a better person. My denying your blame in recent breakups, you're just setting yourself up to do it again. | |
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| Is it EVER your fault?
Posted: 6/26/2008 9:40:17 PM | Oh, it is always my fault.... I thought everyone knew that.
I think that people generally have good intentions and when they are treated badly they find it hard to believe that the person treating them badly had good intentions too, so they feel wronged.
I believe that relationships mostly don't work out due to incompatibility. This is no-one's fault unless either person is putting on an act at the start, which is terribly common, unfortunately. I believe that ending a relationship is frequently painful and the one who acts in a way that precipitates the end (and it's natural enough for each person to perceive the other as doing this) will get the blame for it ending. Cheating is the oft-cited most agonising reason for the end of a relationship, but I believe the relationship must be failing before the cheating can happen -- the cheating is just the (inadvisable) way in which the failure is made recognisable and undeniable.
Regarding my own past relationships, I don't think that either party screwed up: we just weren't a good match from the outset in the long term and it took a little while for us to realise this. With the exception of one who lied to me from the word go, before he heard a single word from me, there is no sense of blaming others -- I don't even blame him, he just had serious issues and wasn't right in the head: that wasn't his fault!
I do think that people do their best and have good intentions, but we are not all-seeing oracles: we make misjudgements, we are guided very largely by instincts and our instincts are generally somewhat screwed up as our brains are blinded by our false beliefs about ourselves and we are quite frequently paralysed by fears and confusion. | |
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| Is it EVER your fault?
Posted: 6/26/2008 9:51:06 PM | That's cool. I'll take half the blame for the failure of my first LTR.
I will settle for it was only half your fault! I was really focused on finishing school (the first time) and building my career. I neglected him to an extent and he found comfort between the legs of another. Not to say that what he did was in the least bit okay, but it took me years to admit to myself that I took part in driving him away. Granted, we were both very young and kind of dumb about it. | |
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| Is it EVER your fault?
Posted: 6/26/2008 9:55:38 PM | It is always mine fault. I learned that early in life.
Always my fault. | |
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| Is it EVER your fault?
Posted: 6/26/2008 10:08:04 PM | mea culpa
My finger prints are all over my life.
sheesh, it's my fault and I'm not even a guy LMAO | |
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| Is it EVER your fault?
Posted: 6/26/2008 10:16:05 PM | i've been saying ever since joining pof a year ago that i'm responsible for my life, for my choices, for my actions, reactions, feelings.....and i've tried to put that into many of my posts - that ultimately, we are the ones that are responsible for what happens in our lives....that we are the ones responsible for our level of happiness, satisfaction, love, unhappiness, dissatisfaction, etc....
if we can't or don't blame others, then we have no one to look at but ourselves- which is wonderful because we can't change others - but we can change ourselves.
after all, you are the common denominator in your life....for you are the only one who is with you from start to finish.
eventually, i think most realize, it's really down to us how we live our lives, how we enjoy our lives, how we effect our lives and, ultimately.....what happens in our lives. | |
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| Is it EVER your fault?
Posted: 6/26/2008 10:17:28 PM | Can I plead guilty as charged AND take the fifth too?
But I promise I won't do it again.... | |
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| Is it EVER your fault?
Posted: 6/26/2008 10:18:56 PM |
So is there one brave,honest person who can say that they fawked up? I will settle for it was only half your fault!
Quid pro quo. | |
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| Is it EVER your fault?
Posted: 6/26/2008 10:44:38 PM | Even in a job interview, they ask what your best and worst qualities are.. it's not a question of expressing everything little thing you screwed up on the previous/current job, it's the ability to recognize the areas where you've learned and are growing because of.
Show me someone who says they were always completely faultless in every relationship, and I'll show you someone who may never grow and learn from their mistakes. Whether it's choosing the wrong type of person or contributing negatively to the downfall.
I've made my mistakes, I'd rather own them than ignore them. At the very least, I'll have learned something to take to the next one. | |
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| Is it EVER your fault?
Posted: 6/26/2008 10:54:44 PM | my fault - for choosing them.
but, their fault for what happened thereafter (specifics withheld, to protect everyone's personal sh1t  )
still, i try to learn from these experiences. | |
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| Is it EVER your fault?
Posted: 6/26/2008 11:02:34 PM | I did something really stupid once. I rushed into an international marriage because they gave us crap for crossing the border too frequently. We panicked and got married so they couldnt separate us.
Stupid, stupid, stupid. We didn't know each other well enough.
Somehow we managed to last for 6 years. Considering how incompatible we were, I think 6 years just shows that we were both pretty decent people. We both tried really hard to be. Neither one of us wanted a divorce, but the misery had to stop.
Sometimes you just have to realize that love isnt enough.
We share the blame for that retarded moment. We paid for it dearly. | |
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~Kyn~
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Joined: 2/15/2008
Msg: 21 | |
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| Is it EVER your fault?
Posted: 6/26/2008 11:11:08 PM | Is it EVER your fault?
It's always my fault.
I am pretty sure that if the world as we know it ceases to exists, it will be MY fault.
I just know it. 
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shimbo
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Joined: 6/15/2008
Msg: 23 | |
| Is it EVER your fault?
Posted: 6/26/2008 11:17:32 PM |
So is there one brave,honest person who can say that they fawked up?
I totally admit that my marriage was my fault.
I thought I needed to get married and I convinced myself that I was in love.
My divorce, however, is my wife's fault! | |
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| Is it EVER your fault?
Posted: 6/26/2008 11:33:55 PM | It takes two...thats what X used to tell me. His answer to our problems was...  IF I was the blame for us coming undone...then somehow I brought to him a she  who is butt ugly and that is relishing with what I worked so hard to train to be a somewhat human for 25 years. He fawked up and I thank him. I fawked up by sticking with him 25 years too long! Fool that I was. | |
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| Is it EVER your fault?
Posted: 6/26/2008 11:34:31 PM | Hey, Indigo... Seen ya around the forums, always enjoy your provocative innuendo. Kinda like mine, eh?
Uh... Here you go again.
I probably became part of the reason after the fact. A body can only take so much schit before they overflow- kinda like a septic tank. After I gave my all to a woman who hadn't taught her daughters to appreciate or respect anything... I have a daughter too, now. All I can think about is getting her away from the inadequate environment that I helped to bring her into.
Yeah, I'm resentful, but it doesn't carry over to the next thing I do. I want to make a better situation and opportunity for everyone out of this.
Go check out that thread about BPD that appears in my forums. I'm not perfect, but I'm down for giving my lady every inch of my effort and committment. I was out making a living while she was calling me, asking me to call a refill of my pain pills(I'm a coast-to-coast carhauler with Lupus) in to the pharmacy, or calling to ask me if any of my fellow musicians knew where to score some coke at 3am... She didn't work,still doesn't, and is probably never going to. Now I won't go on and on, but this was my attempt at an answer, or at least a perspective...
-Nomad- | |
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