| Pandemonium
Posted: 6/26/2008 10:58:16 PM | Ok please bare with me because this is a bit complicated. I’ve been very close friends with A girl for about 10 years now . We used to date when we were kids but that was like 8 years ago (so you may have deduced that we were friends even before we had romantic interests). She moved to Florida ,we went back to being just friends , and I got into a long-term- relationship with someone else (a bad one). She came back a couple years later and we sort of resumed our friendship. She , like all of my other friends hated my girlfriend for the way she was treating me (Lying Cheating ect.) So I didn’t see her a whole lot . That was until I broke up with my ex about 2 years ago.
We’ve been hanging out a lot since then ,and having a lot of fun together (we always did). Well about 3 weeks ago my best friend ,her and I were all at our favorite industrial night club. Her and I had a few drinks and were hitting the dance floor all night . Which is normal, we dance together all the time. This time however , was different. We were ALL OVER each other .It was hot we were both sweating from dancing all night and we were both very into each other all night. It was possibly the most aroused I’ve been in years.
My best friend sat up on the balcony all night sulking , for you see he has had a thing for her for about the past year or 2 . He’s told her about it , and she wanted no part of it. She was just not attracted to him. Ever.
So we all go to our place (My sulking best friend is my roommate). From Detroit all the way home he doesn’t say a word. We get home and she winds up in my bed (No we did not have sex). The day after Sulking Friend pretty much ignores me . I asked him. “So man are ya pissed at me”. He says “No I really don’t have a good reason to be right”? That was about the extent of our interaction that day. That same day he sends a myspace message to this girl , who is supposed to be one of his good friends stating. I don’t want to be friends with you anymore don’t call me I don’t want to see you again.
Keep in mind as I tell you this that Sulking Friend and I have been friends since high school as have this girl and I . Sulking Friend has always been kind of a selfish person , even by his own admission. He is also very lazy , and emotionally withdrawn. The opposite can be said of me. I work hard . I teach life skills to handicapped kids. I always help friends in need and am very outgoing (to excess even, it gets me into trouble sometimes). I am not a judgmental person however so I can overlook these character defects because we all have our hang-ups .
Well lately even before all this started , he was resenting me , and I can understand why. He told me recently “It’s not your fault everyone likes you more than me” . When he said this to me I was beside myself with guilt. Because after thinking about it , it seemed true. His parents , his brother , this girl , our circle friends, even his cat, are closer to me than him.
This girl is also very upset that he would just toss out their friendship because of petty jealousy , and rightly so . Strangely enough she calls me the day after our hot make-out session to tell me she is in the hospital. She has appendicitis and just had her appendix removed. At this point she has not checked any e-mail or myspace stuff and doesn’t know that someone she thought to be a friend has just thrown her away. So I have to tell her why I am here but he did not come too. She knew that he was upset but didn’t think that he would refuse to be her friend anymore. She also got her associate degree 3 days later, both Sulking friend and I were supposed to be there . I was there of course. He was not.
Because of this she now fears being with me romantically because she doesn’t want to lose me should things go wrong. I have told her (and I mean this) that we have been together before and were still friends after , and that if things don’t work out I will not throw her away as Sulking Friend did. After a concert just about a week ago she told me that one way or another she loves me , but is confused about everything that is going on. She has always had a fear of commitment and this has augmented that.
To top things off Sulking Friend is no longer speaking to me despite my attempts to right things…He is moving out soon. Normally I would talk to him about things like this. Or I would talk to this girl. They are both my best friends . But he wont speak to me , and I don’t want to queer things between this girl and I , because she could be the one.
Thanks for listening to me longwinded drama-laced story. I had to get this all off my chest somehow. Any comments or suggestions would be highly appreciated. I am goin pretty nuts here . When I should be happy as hell that I may have found love. I also fear losing them both because of this. I hope that does not manifest itself. | |
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| Pandemonium
Posted: 6/26/2008 11:08:43 PM | Unfortunately your sulking friend hasn't realized that instead of thinking about himself, he should be celebrating your new-found happiness. It's clear that you and this girl have had quite a past, and he must be aware of this.
You have tried your best to make amends and communicate, and if he wants to continue to be sulking friend, then you must allow him to wallow in his own self pity, and don't allow him to rain on your parade. If the girl showed no interested in this guy, then it's totally him over-reacting.
He is obviously low on self-confidence. If you really value his friendship, suggest a guys night out and maybe you can help find him someone that will fall for him and not you. Put him on some blind dates, or just in general help him by getting other things on his mind except for her. It's a crappy situation to like your friends girlfriend, especially when he's had the courage to confront her about it - and he has every right to be upset - but I don't think he should be sharing his negative sulky feelings with you - because like I said before he's just raining on your parade. Give him time to mope, and maybe it's a good thing they aren't friends anymore - because it will always be awkward with the three of you hanging out anyways - at least until he's over her/ or has someone new.
Let girl know she did nothing wrong and should not feel guilty because you two deserve to be happy after all of this time.
Hope this helped. | |
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| Pandemonium
Posted: 6/26/2008 11:48:22 PM | You cannot make amends with someone that is not listening and it is not your fault that this woman and apparently everyone else you commonly know do not like him very much. As he recognizes this, one might think he would focus more on making himself more appealing.
You can reassure this woman about your intentions and how things would end between you but only she can make the decision that she wants to take that chance. Might make her feel a little more comfortable about it if you actually went on a date or something. You went from friends straight to sleeping together which can actually be nearly as intimate as sex.
Sounds like you have a good basis for a relationship and I don't think either one of you have anything to apologize for in terms of doing something wrong although you understanbly feel poorly because your friend was hurt. He will either come around or he won't. You have offered the olive branch, let it go and try to just see what happens on the other front. | |
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| Pandemonium
Posted: 6/26/2008 11:59:52 PM | | Well........after reading this......I'm glad I'm not twenty-something anymore........drama ...drama...drama..... | |
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| Pandemonium
Posted: 6/27/2008 2:09:43 AM | My best friend sat up on the balcony all night sulking
Sulking Friend has always been kind of a selfish person
He is also very lazy , and emotionally withdrawn
Well lately even before all this started , he was resenting me
I'm amazed u've managed to stay friends with this guy so long. Think u need to take a step back and really evaluate the situation. Are u friends with him out of a need to feel good about yourself or to boost ur self esteem? It doesn't sound like a healthy relationship for either of u.
As for this girl if u can't get past how ur 'friend' feels about the situation not really a good basis. Think the comments above are spot on....U've already discussed ur feelings for each other so why not have the talk about giving it a go...slowly... start with dates.
Wish you all the best, good luck | |
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| Pandemonium
Posted: 6/27/2008 2:17:25 AM | Cut the cord and move on.
You've figured it out, he hasn't. | |
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| Pandemonium
Posted: 6/27/2008 3:59:06 AM | Your sulky friend is suffering from the third wheel syndrome-which is HIS problem-not yours. You have tried to be caring and understanding but sometimes you just have to say ENOUGH! We can't help who we are attracted to or those who are attracted to us. The thing is, at least for me, if I know a friend of mine has the 'hots' for someone I tend not to even go there, because I wouldn't want that done to me, but at some point we all have to 'grow up' a bit and do what is best for ourselves.
If your lady friend wants a romantic relationship and you are in agreement, than I say best wishes to you both. Mr Sulky has been difficult and petty, and that is his loss-don't make it yours. It sounds like you and your lady friend have the makings of a possibly great relationship and if that will make you happy I see NO reason why you shouldn't pursue it. There are no guarantees in life with anything, so I try to live each day like it's my last. I spent too much time sparing the feelings of other's and they could have cared less about mine-I am thinking Mr Sulky is just that sort of person.
Drama happens-just don't give it more energy than it needs. | |
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| Pandemonium
Posted: 6/27/2008 4:52:01 AM | Your friend seems to be living under everyone else's shadow. It is time to walk his own path. Perhaps the best thing you can do for him is to end the friendship for now. Well, he seems to be doing that on his own!!!!!
Let him move out and if he feels the need to contact you in the future let him. But, for now I think you should minimize contact. Tell him you care for him but his actions have been inappropriate. You are NOT responsible for his feelings.
As for the girl......if you really care take things slow and see how they work out. Your fearing things before they even happen. We can not predict the future. Play it out and see what happens. You dont want to live the shoulda, coulda, woulda's years down the road by worrying what will happen if you proceed. Go for the gold!!!!!!!!!!
GOOD LUCK | |
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| Pandemonium
Posted: 6/27/2008 5:22:51 AM | | Gosh, I didn't even read all that. Your friend has issues, none of which are yours or the girl's problems. She made it clear that she wasn't interested in a relationship with him, you've known her forever, he just needs to STFU and grow up. It's not like this is someone he met first and you swept her away, the two of you have a history. | |
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| Pandemonium
Posted: 7/1/2008 11:02:49 AM | | Thanks everyone. I gave my friend some space and just yesterday i talked with him, and I took him to a bar . Things are better now. Also things are going well with the girl and i . | |
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| Pandemonium
Posted: 7/1/2008 11:15:42 AM | | Glad to hear that you have resolved things. I hope that your sulking friend learns to grow up. | |
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| Pandemonium
Posted: 7/8/2008 10:08:24 AM | HAHAHAHA CRASH AND BURN! 
Looks like that whole thing might have scared her off a bit . She has commitment issues anyways , and does not want to be tied to one person which is kinda not cool with me. So i decided that her and i are better off freinds for now. The whole drama thing was kinda making me flakey about everything as well.
But its wierd... there is still all this sexual tension between us. But we still are and always will be good freinds. I'm not sure i'll ever understand this.
But hey i guess its all part of lifes adventure. I think if i stay postitve i'll meet someone that wont just see me as a passing fancy.
Life is strange, surreal even, at times. | |
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| Pandemonium
Posted: 7/16/2008 10:14:13 PM | | If a woman spends the night in your bed and you do not have sex, then you will immediately go back into the friend column. You really never left. | |
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