| When your friend consistantly goes after your guys...?
Posted: 6/27/2008 10:54:16 AM | Here's the scoop:
I'm in the military and therefore I am around the same people day in and day out - literally. I have alot of great friends but most of them are people that you would not necessarily befriend were you not in the military. It also happens that I joined the military a little later in life and am a few years older than most of the people around me. So with that said, my "best friend" here is causing me quite a bit of irritation. She's young (18) and insecure and it seems that the moment that I say "oh, he's cute" about a guy, the next thing I know, she's all over him. It seems like she views my show of interest in someone as approval that he is dateable and immediately jumps on him. In most cases I let it go because it's not like I was in love with the guy, I just thought I might like to get to know him. I don't usually say anything about it because "I saw him first!" sounds so whiny and immature to me but it's getting to the point where I don't even want to be around her anymore. The problem is, we are known around base as good friends and I can't avoid her so it would cause me a ton of grief to try to end that friendship or to step it down to a casual acquaintance. So what do I do and how do I get my friend to stop being a ho-bag without sounding childish? | |
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| When your friend consistantly goes after your guys...?
Posted: 6/27/2008 11:03:40 AM | | I would suggest honesty is the best policy. So have a woman to woman talk with her. It could help her to grow up. Chances are she looks up to you as a mentor even if she does not realize it. | |
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| When your friend consistantly goes after your guys...?
Posted: 6/27/2008 11:07:20 AM | Talk with her! Tell her how you feel, your observations etc...She may not be aware of her behavior, after all she is young. Best case scenario: she stops the behavior.if however she takes offense and chooses to end the friendship then you are out of the hot seat.
Good luck! | |
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| When your friend consistantly goes after your guys...?
Posted: 6/27/2008 11:09:54 AM | | Don't let her know what you think about any guys that you would like to date yourself. It would also help if you spent less time with her and more time with people close to your own age. Keep in mind that once she gets a reputation...you being her close friend , people will think you are the same way. She might be seeking your approval or she might be competeting with you. | |
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| When your friend consistantly goes after your guys...?
Posted: 6/27/2008 11:12:50 AM | | It definitely feels like a competition sometimes, which is ridiculous. I refuse to compete for a man with one of my friends. I usually figure that if it's that important to her, she can have him but apparently, it's that important to her everytime. | |
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| When your friend consistantly goes after your guys...?
Posted: 6/27/2008 11:31:04 AM | | Not sure how you can do that without it causing a problem. You CAN keep your interest in any particular guy to yourself tho. If she doesn't know you fancy someone, she can't really act on it and cause trouble for you. | |
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| When your friend consistantly goes after your guys...?
Posted: 6/27/2008 11:49:56 AM |
So what do I do and how do I get my friend to stop being a ho-bag without sounding childish?
I was military myself. I have seen this many many times. For one, she is 18 and doesn’t have an identity of her own. She has no life experiences, she is in an unfamiliar setting, and she is trying to fit in. She idolized you and wants to be like you. She is scared and is grasping for approval, at least in her subconscious mind.
You do not have to dump her as your friend. Don’t change the way that you are towards her, but do watch what you say and how you say it. If you are comfortable with it, I would say to subtly get her to start thinking for herself. That would be best for her and your friendship. She will need those skills. The only problem is that she is 18, lol, which means that she probably has a bit of rebelliousness to her and wouldn’t take kindly to your ‘helping’ her if she realized that it was happening. | |
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| When your friend consistantly goes after your guys...?
Posted: 6/27/2008 11:58:05 AM | I'm with Texas, tell her that you care about her and that when she behaves that way, particularly when your dating pool is smaller than hers because of your age, it is hurtful and insensitive on her part, and that friends do not do that to each other.
Some people have never really had friends or haven't had the kind that have actually told them things about themselves that allow them to become better human beings. If she is 18, she is likely unware that she is doing it. If she is aware and doesn't care, that makes your decision about continuing the friendship and ending it easier.
If you state things similar to the way you presented them in the thread, and she doesn't get it or tries to turn it around on you....I would also advise that you keep mum when you do see a guy you might be interested in. Until you get things sorted out, try talking to people when she is not around and if someone is interested in you she will merely come off as a pest. | |
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| When your friend consistantly goes after your guys...?
Posted: 6/27/2008 12:58:06 PM | I want to say talk to her about it, but I don't see how you can avoid the drama doing that either since she seems the type to like it already with the way she is acting. She'll proabably take it as a personal insult or something.
Op however you work it out I hope it goes well for you. | |
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| When your friend consistantly goes after your guys...?
Posted: 6/27/2008 1:29:46 PM | Be honest; I have friends like this and I'm honest. some go away but others listen to what I say.
Lets face it; girls are 1000 times more sleazy than in years past. Girls gone wild last year had 20,000 young girls begging to be a part of it to have sex with their girlfriends and pretty much give up their morality for what; a t-shirt and all the booze they can drink? pretty pathetic.
Sleazy is in; teenage pregnancy because of the trashy young celebs is in; Reality says that 25% of teens in the U.S. have an STD, and the number is even more for the adults. 40% of African American teens have an STD. Thats a whole lot of irresponsible behavior from both sexes. (National institute of health)
You can't control people; some young girls get false security and confidence from the attention they get from young guys; some just feel the need to have someone pretend to care for them; there are lots of reasons.
I would bring it up but you risk losing her; but to be honest I dont think thats a bad thing. She needs to hear the truth; coming from a friend is best. Good luck. | |
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| When your friend consistantly goes after your guys...?
Posted: 6/27/2008 1:47:00 PM |
the moment that I say "oh, he's cute" about a guy, the next thing I know, she's all over him. It seems like she views my show of interest in someone as approval that he is dateable and immediately jumps on him.
OP, here's your answer.VVVV
To me, she doesn't sound like much of a friend. This is disrespectful to you, and at 18, she is certainly old enough to realize that.
Real friend would not do such a thing.
I have never hit on a guy that my friend was interested in.
I am fiercely loyal to my friends, and would never jeopardize friendship for a guy.
But... I was in a similar situation as you are... turned out that the person was not much of a friend... she was pretty good in pretending, though... almost had me believe her.
*shrugs*
That "friendship" eventually went downhil, because I have very little respect for those who try to manipulate me and are dishonest.
So it goes...
I don't even want to be around her anymore. The problem is, we are known around base as good friends and I can't avoid her so it would cause me a ton of grief to try to end that friendship or to step it down to a casual acquaintance
You can always try to talk to her.
But... honestly, I am sure that she is aware of what she is doing... so, the conversation probably would not make any difference.
Some people's definitions of boundaries and friendship are just too weird for me.
I would try my best to distance myself from such a person.
People like that are TOXIC and I don't need them in my life.
Cuz... with such "friends" who needs enemies?
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| When your friend consistantly goes after your guys...?
Posted: 6/27/2008 2:00:25 PM | | I think a big part of the blowing off this friend is the repercussions within the work environment in general, oodles of drama, and I suspect that women in the military have a sense of solidarity that she does not want to violate even if it probably really should be based on the way this young woman is behaving. I also think as an older individual the OP recognizes that she is somewhat of a mentor and isn't comfortable totally abandoning this chick from that standpoint either. | |
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| When your friend consistantly goes after your guys...?
Posted: 6/27/2008 2:07:17 PM | | All of the above, really. When you live on a military base, your personal and professional life are one and the same. If I talk to her and things become uncomfortable and/or dramatic, that carries over to my professional life and appearance immediately. I don't want to have to walk into an uncomfortable work environment every day. But I really don't have any choice. It's getting to the point where I am unable to blow it off. I have to do something about it before I just up and blow my top the next time she does it. | |
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| When your friend consistantly goes after your guys...?
Posted: 6/27/2008 2:12:09 PM |
I think a big part of the blowing off this friend is the repercussions within the work environment in general, oodles of drama, and I suspect that women in the military have a sense of solidarity that she does not want to violate even if it probably really should be based on the way this young woman is behaving. I also think as an older individual the OP recognizes that she is somewhat of a mentor and isn't comfortable totally abandoning this chick from that standpoint either.
I think that you are probably right.
But... she does not have to do it in a dramatic way (I HATE drama!!!).
No need for confronation (especially since, as I said earlier, that girl HAS to know what she is doing. NO ONE is that "innocent").
I would suggest slowly distancing yourself.
Being less available, especially when it comes to activities outside of the workplace.
Not being too quick in returning calls, and just having other plans.
Most certainly NOT discuss guys with that friend.
Let it fade away... gradually... and avoid drama, since you will be seeing her around for quite some time.
I would say that professonal relationship, even the mentorship, does not have to suffer from it.
But, it would be quite important to re-establish boundaries.
And... make sure that you are not again in a position where she can cross them.
At least that's how I would go about it... in a grown up mode.
If I were just fed up with it, I'd tell her to fcuk off and get the hell away from me.
But, I have been trying to be a grown up lately and control my immediate impulses.
Sometimes it works....
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| When your friend consistantly goes after your guys...?
Posted: 6/27/2008 2:37:12 PM | Take her behind the barracks and give her some military style punishment!!!! mo mo I'm j/k
She's young...and as others have said she needs a talking to if you can do it calmly without sounding whiney. The other alternative is to slowing distance yourself from her, as my friend red said.
However, somewhere, somehow she needs to learn that friends dont do this to each other.
Keep your interest in the males to yourself.
GOOD LUCK............. | |
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| When your friend consistantly goes after your guys...?
Posted: 6/27/2008 2:46:59 PM | | Lose her!!!! Had a friend like that and damn she went after my husband. Now were divorced because of it and their little affair diminished. Plenty of friends out there that are loyal don't hang with the ones who make you miserable. | |
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| When your friend consistantly goes after your guys...?
Posted: 6/27/2008 2:48:39 PM | I think willsfriend and redcassandra both have good points I would point out all the guys who you DON'T like and say-"Look how cute he is"..and see if she takes the bait. This way you can keep her busy for awhile while you focus on the guys you DO like. True to form military camouflage and deflection. | |
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| When your friend consistantly goes after your guys...?
Posted: 6/27/2008 3:18:40 PM | | Easy solution, start pointing out men you don't find attractive and see how she goes after them. The only drama involved will be when she realizes that she is not really attracted to the men you point out, in the meantime you can sit back and enjoy the show. | |
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| When your friend consistantly goes after your guys...?
Posted: 6/27/2008 3:27:50 PM | | Tell her you think her brother is hot, if she has one, or you are having a coming out party and she is the only one invited, then again young ladies like to experiment so it might back fire. | |
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| When your friend consistantly goes after your guys...?
Posted: 6/27/2008 3:33:30 PM | I don't get this.....the friends I have don't go after the guys I'm interested in and I don't do it to them either.
Just the type of person I am, so I wouldn't be friends with someone who would do that in the first place.
If you are good friends, then you should talk to her. An acquaintance I would not even bother with. Mind you, I might not even talk to a friend if they did that - let them figure it out - depends on the situation and how you feel. | |
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