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Posted: 6/27/2008 9:15:47 PM | for those with a child by a parent that you are no longer with, and everyone for that matter, if it's over, and you feel it could never work out, would you completely shut down your love and warmth for the father or mother of your child?
if you felt it could never work out for the best, would you never again make love to the person you first had a child with?
just asking!
i wonder how we just turn the off switch on something seemingly and apparently sacred! | |
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Posted: 6/27/2008 9:23:43 PM | I don't think you can turn something like that off.. it might transform or evolve into something else.. Hopefully the child was concieved in love.. and if the love is no longer there.. there was a time that it was there.. the child is tangible proof. So I think there could be and should be a specialness in sharing a child with someone.. and maybe even a respect on some level for what was.. that is no more..
That is why it is important for people to choose carefully who they have a child with.. if you don't want to have a child with someone then don't do it.. take preventative measures..
I know the men I have dated who had an ex that they shared a child with.. they always had a certain level of respect for that ex.. even though their feelings for them had changed. | |
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Posted: 6/27/2008 9:30:04 PM | | I don't think we can control what we feel. We can and should control what we do with those feelings. Once it's determined the relationship will never work, sex should probably not factor in. It's really hard to move on if you're still having a sexual relationship. The feelings part is not as important as the behavior part. You can feel a lot of things you never act on. | |
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~Kyn~
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Joined: 2/15/2008
Msg: 4 | |
| very simple....
Posted: 6/27/2008 9:32:25 PM | very simple....
very strange...thats what it is...
if you felt it could never work out for the best, would you never again make love to the person you first had a child with?
Like...huh...? *scratches head*
I stopped sleepin with the guy the day we separated.
Why would I sleep with him now? 
Why would I wanna sleep with him now?
Why would I EVER wanna sleep with him again? 
for those with a child by a parent that you are no longer with, and everyone for that matter, if it's over, and you feel it could never work out, would you completely shut down your love and warmth for the father or mother of your child?
Umm...am I supposed to stop caring for the guy? is that what you mean by warmth?
Do I love him? Nup...that also ceased the day we separated. He did the one act that killed any feelings I had for him on that day.
i wonder how we just turn the off switch on something seemingly and apparent sacred!
You need to read more threads. They dont just turn off the switch at all.
People are ALWAYS whining about ex'es and how they cant get over them or dont realise that they havent. Frankly...I wish they fricken would *lol* | |
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Posted: 6/27/2008 9:33:25 PM | As with everything else, it just depends on the people. In my own case, I'm friends with the ex that I share a child with, and who knows, some day we might give it another shot - or we may not, especially if I end up with someone that I care about first. However, I've got one friend who would probably go back to his ex (that he had a child with) if possible, and another one who absolutely DETESTS his ex.
I stopped sleepin with the guy the day we separated.
Why would I sleep with him now?
Why would I wanna sleep with him now?
Why would I EVER wanna sleep with him again?
Many, many, MANY exes sleep together months or years after they separate. One of the guys I mentioned above actually did sleep with his ex several months after their divorce, and I personally came very close to doing the same with mine. Why? Because many old feelings return, AND because it's very familiar - it's someone who knows you inside and out, someone you can be yourself with. | |
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~Kyn~
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Joined: 2/15/2008
Msg: 6 | |
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Posted: 6/27/2008 9:47:33 PM |
Many, many, MANY exes sleep together months or years after they separate. One of the guys I mentioned above actually did sleep with his ex several months after their divorce, and I personally came very close to doing the same with mine. Why? Because many old feelings return, AND because it's very familiar
Well that'll be why they cant get over stuff then *?*
Just a thought. And clearly I am not typical if it never occured to me to do it or even WANT to do it.
Sorry...I dont see the logic in it I guess. Creates all sorts of problems for nothing. And if I was gonna sleep with someone I had feelings for who had feelings for me...well why the hell not just stay in the relationship?
Im not that needy I guess and it wouldnt occur to me to "use" my ex hubby in that way or let him "use" me either.
People do crazy things  | |
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Posted: 6/27/2008 9:50:20 PM | | For at least one person in the relationship, this is not hard. For the others it can be very difficult, especially the children. The parents need to remain civil towards each other no matter how difficult that is. The children will feel reassuered that it is OK to love both parents if the parents don't create a situation where the kids feel they must choice sides. And no, you should not continue to be romanticly intimate if you are not going to be together. This would only confuse the children and make it more difficult for them. | |
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Posted: 6/27/2008 9:52:07 PM |
for those with a child by a parent that you are no longer with, and everyone for that matter, if it's over, and you feel it could never work out, would you completely shut down your love and warmth for the father or mother of your child?
It's not a matter of shutting anything down. He destroyed any love I had for him.....sick act by sick act by sick act. One piece at a time. When you finally realize you feel no love, game-set-match.
if you felt it could never work out for the best, would you never again make love to the person you first had a child with?
One would have to feel love for someone in order to make love with them, otherwise it's just meaningless sex. Short answer ~ ew, no.
i wonder how we just turn the off switch on something seemingly and apparently sacred!
See above. | |
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Posted: 6/27/2008 10:10:35 PM | What? Did I miss something here? There was a reason that you"re not together anymore.
Hopefully the child you had together had nothing to do with your break up and you should continue to see,support, and love the child.
Would I sleep with my ex????????? Did he win the Lottery? | |
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Posted: 6/27/2008 10:14:44 PM | ^^^^ that's the wisdom and experience talking, it's not that easy for everyone.
of course, if one partner hates the other, this makes it impossible. | |
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Posted: 6/28/2008 2:11:54 AM | | I doubt people consider love and parenthood sacred. Love is merely their mood and parenthood is merely a biological reality. The underlying regard for life is not their to support the view that love and life are sacred. So, that makes it easy to flip a switch on people, be it the on-off switch of love or the switch to launch a bomb. You get into bothersome depths when you introduce the idea that anything about human relationships might be sacred. | |
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Posted: 6/28/2008 3:36:24 AM | Take the word "love" out of the equation
An overused word at best
You appreciate that the other parent of the child you share is a good parent
Being a parent is a full time job when the child is young
This person is doing a good job in your eye
If you need to express that as a FA CT to the other person do so.
It will keep the relationship civil as the child grows | |
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Posted: 6/28/2008 3:55:02 AM | op, you ask
"....if you felt it could never work out for the best, would you never again make love to the person you first had a child with?
.....i wonder how we just turn the off switch on something seemingly and apparently sacred!"
No, i would probably not make love again to the father of my child if the relationship was over. Yes, I totally believe in the sacredness, but for me, if the relationship has ended, that means the love there is no longer being generated with the other person.....
Seems you are looking at this backwards.....isn't it more you are asking how can relationships end when children have been conceived and so much love has created that child or children?
Personally, my love for any other does not end even if the relationship does, but equally, I do not continue to make love when the relationship has ended, or to me, that means it hasn't really ended. | |
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Posted: 6/28/2008 4:03:01 AM | | turn it off, it is for the best... | |
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Posted: 6/28/2008 4:07:24 AM | Wow Op...
I "love" my kid's father, but it isn't that kind of love anymore. I would never sleep with him again. I respect him as a friend, and especially as the father of my children.
We are back to a place in our relationship, that we were before we got married....friends. I want to keep it that way.
Move on, leave it alone, why cause trouble you don't need? | |
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Posted: 6/28/2008 4:18:15 AM | | yeah i have shut him out! i dont deal with a person cheating on me and treating me like garbage! thats the reason we are not together! i have moved on and am so much happier! i have a great person in my life now! so i know its possible depending on what happened in the relationship! but i believe exes are exes for a resaon! i know he is the father of my child, but he hasnt done right by him anyway. its getting to were im starting to hate him! he put his wife and her kids before his own son, now should i care for him, heck no. he is the past, he will never have a chance to even come close to trying anything! | |
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Posted: 6/28/2008 4:18:22 AM |
That is why it is important for people to choose carefully who they have a child with.. .....This reminds me of something my sister once said to me. YOU chose to have children to this man (my ex husband) true, however I did not choose for him to leave us. Sometimes we feel we have made the right decision to have a child to a certain person however we cannot predict the future.
i wonder how we just turn the off switch on something seemingly and apparently sacred! .....It can't be automatiacally switched off but why prolong the process and feed the pain by sleeping with each other? | |
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Posted: 6/28/2008 4:20:14 AM | My ex and I were really never in love, we were in love with the idea of being married, we had a son, I love my ex as the mother of my son and we are friends but that's as far as it will ever go. She is remarried and I respect that marriage. | |
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Posted: 6/28/2008 4:42:01 AM | | OP you don't have to become cold towards them, but sleeping with them again is a completely different matter. Not good for either party really, because when a relationships over, it's over, and there's no point complicating the matter. You can be friends but not f*ck buddies. | |
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Posted: 6/28/2008 4:48:56 AM | Boy, label me cynical...but getting a woman pregnant doesn't involve magic or fairies. Just a broken condom, that's all.
Plenty of guys and gals have sex without feelings. The only thing not making them parents is either luck, or maturity on the part of one of them.
So, while I've never walked a mile in these shoes, it seems rather obvious to me how a person may have no feelings for the parent of their child....nor lust if it was just a drunken hookup. | |
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Posted: 6/28/2008 5:51:23 AM | leagueofexttraordinarymen.....
My ex and I were really never in love .....That's because you loved me.
What get's to me is how can a father witness the birth of their child, get sooooo emotional then leave that child?
My ex has remarried and I'm happy for him. Sometimes when I see him (at family functions etc) he looks at me as if to undress me. Would I give him that pleasure? NO.....He can dream on. No point in opening new wounds. | |
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Posted: 6/28/2008 6:53:51 AM | The answer is no. my ex is on his third marriage and looking for a fourth..
I was young and dumb...he still is. I saw him about ten years ago...I thought...WHAT WAS I THINKING???? I detached and went on with my life a zillion years ago. No sense in messing with the past when you have learned your lesson . | |
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Posted: 6/29/2008 7:05:10 AM | No, not very simple. Every situation is unique. Every person is unique.
For me, when its over, its over. Ended. Kaput. Finished. We might be friends or acquaintances, but sex? No.
When the love just ends, when the trust vanishes, when the accusations start, and when the lying gets more common than breathing, thats when that switch gets thrown.
The fact of a child is not the sacred part. Whats sacred is trust. | |
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Posted: 6/29/2008 8:29:38 AM | I haven't seen the father of my children in 20 yrs..but when I look at their faces I definitely see him..they look just like him.
I have no further love or desires for sex with him but I do have respect in that they came from him as well..and they are the best things to ever happen to me in my life..gave me perspective and a whole new way to view the world.
OP: sounds like your relationship hasn't been over for too long of a period of time..sorry to tell you..you will probably always have a soft spot for that person..because that person has created life with you. | |
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Posted: 6/29/2008 10:05:42 AM | When something is broke you fix it....if it cant be fixed you throw it out.......you dont go out picking through the garbage the next day just to make sure. Live with the memory of its usefulness while you had it..........................
There is a reason relationships end..maybe the sex was good but thats not the part to focus on when it ends..........heal.......move on........if you have children be grateful something that positive came from that relationship.................
PEACE................ | |
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