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Posted: 6/28/2008 4:34:12 AM | now i have a question for all the single parents out here! i am having problems understanding how a man can put his new wife and her kids before his own son. now he was supposed to get diapers food wipes clothes etc. well he calls me and tells me that he has bills to pay and that he cant come through with helping with his son, that makes it clear who is more important to him. i am in the process of getting him on child support, but been having a hard time not being upset about it! i am totally over him it just really pisses me off because before he got with her he helped now im lucky to get a pack of diapers! i wonder how the other single parents dealt with this. im struggling to survive and he doesnt call or anything and ask what he needs or how is he doing! please share how you dealt with this kind of situation!
i do let him see him due to the fact i dont want to deprive my son of the relationship with his father cause i feel im only hurting my son in the process, he loves his daddy!
what to do before i go insane! lol | |
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Posted: 6/28/2008 5:04:37 AM | u prob wont like my answer....here in canada we have a orginization to help collect child support from ppl that dont want to give it up.....all i can say is dont let it bug u..
Hard to do...trust me...in the same boat however i have yet to take my ex to court again due to the cost of the lawyers...so i deal with nothing from her....yes i am a single dad.....the best thing u can do is while u wait for the leagal stuff to work itself out ...keep an accurate record of what he gives u and dont give u.....the things ur child has gone without over him... during this time dont say anything bad about ur ex in front of ur child...hard to do again...but always remember ur ex is his father and the little one loves him...anything u say may hurt the little one as well....so wait patiently and when it is all over and ur little one is big they see who did what...and who said what....My kids r perfect examples of this.....i wish you the best.....and just remember ur ex does loves his kid however some guys....u know......the cookie has the power and ur cookie is not on his plate no more...sorry for being rude or upfront .......but it is true....seen it allot....guys r azzholez.....yes im one | |
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Posted: 6/28/2008 5:38:10 AM | | well thank you, i never say negative things around my son, i dont believe that should be done, and no i didnt get mad, you are saying the truth. | |
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Posted: 6/28/2008 6:53:45 AM | I'm sort of in the same situation but it's a little different as well. I've got two kids, both by the same dad. He was very involved in my 3 year olds life up until I would say the time I got pregnant with our 5 month old. When I told him I was pregnant again he told me he wanted nothing to do with the baby but still wanted to remain in our 3 year olds life. I don't understand how a parent can want one child and not the other but whatever, that's his decision. Anyway when it came time to get child support for my 3 year old we made a private agreement out of court, papers were signed and such but since March when he was supposed to start paying I've only gotten the first two months. So I'm now in the SLOW process might I add, to bringing him to court for both of my kids where it just taken off his checks. In no way are my kids starving or not well taken care of because luckily if I need help, I've got it elsewhere. It would be nice however if their father who is 28 friggen years old, would grow up and take some resposibility for his kids.
Anyways enough about my situation, my advice would to most definitely take legal action. It's a slow process, but be patient and it'll be worth it for your son in the end. You as a mother have every right to bring his butt to court to make sure your son is well taken care of instead of just getting by. Good luck to you and I hope everything works out for you and your son! | |
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Posted: 6/28/2008 7:31:32 AM | Sweetie...been there, done it, got the T-shirt!
It's called the "out of sight, out of mind mentality." And while I cannot explain HOW anyone (this is not gender specific, actually...women do it too!) can do it...I can explain how it happens.
Unfortunately, some base everything in their lives around the coupling...the relationship...and when the relationship folds, so does everything associated with such. They then "replace" their need for the relationship with someone else...new gal, new home, new kids...and feel what they left behind, is history, or almost like it never happened because they are still in it, but with replacement characters. Does that make sense?
But all you CAN do is pursue the child support issues with your states agency...and hope the process is not a long one. I know it sounds terrible to advise, but if you can go on public assistance (TANF, WIC, etc) for even a short span of a month or two, it will expedite your CS case MUCHO faster. (if you are in the states...did not look, sorry!) It's a sad fact...but when it becomes the absent parent owing the STATE, they push those cases up to the top!
As for the poster who's ex has a relationship with one child, but not the other...so sad! I am sure there are factors...he has bonded with the older child, was there to change diapers, feed, etc...and he was not with the youngest? Still no exuse...he should work on that bonding!!!!  | |
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Posted: 6/28/2008 9:25:21 AM | Take him to court... My brother is one of "those" dads. He has two fantasic boys, that he never sees, and only pays child support because my ex sister in law got smart enough to take him to FRO (Family Responsibility Office - Canada).
She called us before she did this and we completely supported her in her decision. At the time he was over 8 months in arrears. He lost 1/2 his paycheck for almost a year to get caught up.
He lost his vehicle (got repo'd) almost lost the house he was living in... and why?
Beacuse his new girlfriend & her kids came before my nephews... her boys have EVERY new video game available for every new gaming system out there... buying her boys stuff comes before paying their bills, and supporting my nephews...
Unfortunately some parents think about the immediate here & now... I have to keep this new partner happy because I live with them... the past is in the past... and it is very unfortunate that it includes their kids.
I am very thankful that I have a good enough job I can support my daughter on my own, she doesn't have the biggest & best of everything she wants... but she has everything she needs. We have absolutely no contact with my ex and I am quite happy to keep it that way. | |
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Posted: 6/28/2008 4:12:21 PM | It is very sad but again it's his decision. Unfortunately, he doesn't see my oldest son now anymore either and more often than not my son will ask me about his dad and why he never gets to see him. I can only make up so many excuses for his sorry ass.
At the same time I should've really expected this because he's also got two older children who he never sees. While I feel bad that my children will not likely get to know their real dad because of his poor choices, they have positive and good male role models in their lives. I've been very lucky that my father and step-father have been gracious enough to spend endless amounts of time with my kids. I could truly not thank them enough for being great role models for my boys and I know even without their real dad, they'll grow up to be EXCELLENT men! | |
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Posted: 6/28/2008 7:12:32 PM | My question is if you knew he had children he never sees...why would you reproduce with him again?
You can't tell me you honestly thought that WOW this man will be fantastic father material?
Some women really make me shake my head. | |
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Posted: 6/28/2008 7:19:43 PM |
My question is if you knew he had children he never sees...why would you reproduce with him again?
You can't tell me you honestly thought that WOW this man will be fantastic father material?
Some women really make me shake my head.
Reading is fundamental. She didn't say anywhere that he had children from a previous relationship being neglected. He's
now in a new relationship with a woman with children and they are getting the lions share of his support. | |
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Posted: 6/28/2008 7:27:12 PM | | my son is his first child and i said that he is taking care of kids that arent his. i would never reproduce with soneone who doesnt support the kid or kids he had before. i wouldnt even be with a guy that is like that | |
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Posted: 6/28/2008 7:50:36 PM |
Reading is fundamental. She didn't say anywhere that he had children from a previous relationship being neglected. He's
now in a new relationship with a woman with children and they are getting the lions share of his support.
No kidding  I'm hanging my head in shame. I didn't pay close enough attention to who's post I was replying to.
OP my previous response was directed at shorty11585, my apologies to you.
OT: harely really did say it best. | |
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Posted: 6/28/2008 7:55:09 PM |
No kidding I'm hanging my head in shame. I didn't pay close enough attention to who's post I was replying to.
OP my previous response was directed at shorty11585, my apologies to you.
OT: harely really did say it best.
Actually I could have made my point without the "reading is fundamental" quip. That's bush league and I hate lead offs like that. Please accept my public apology. I'm better than that.
O | |
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Posted: 6/28/2008 8:30:18 PM | You cannot make someone be a caring parent and every minute you waste being irritated about it is a minute that diminishes your ability to love and enjoy your son. You are allowing the courts to take care of the issue. Financially, do the best you can and be the best parent you can, period.
LeaveMeBe, shorty if my math is correct, was 19 when she had a child with this man, probably didn't register that his relationship with his kids would have any impact on her situation since she didn't plan on being a single parent. I was 25 I think when I met my X and it didn't occur to me that my stepson adored his dad because he was his dad, not whether he was a good dad. So even a bit older, I chose poorly. | |
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Posted: 6/28/2008 9:43:03 PM | This won't be popular but.......take care of your son by yourself without wanting/needing his help. If he does help than consider it a bonus. If your struggling to survive you need to see what expenses you can cut down or find cheaper alternatives.
The father will regret not being around later in life. | |
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Posted: 6/29/2008 12:20:22 AM | Ok to defend myself....I was 18 when I started dating him....he moved to my city to be with me and his two older children were back in his hometown....he did talk about his kids all the time...talked to them on the phone all the time...it just never registered in my young naive mind why he wasn't saving up money and such to go visit them....
So why would I reproduce with him again? neither of my kids were planned....he was very involved with our first son....spent as much time with him as he could....I didn't start seeing any problems with him at all, up until I was pregnant with our second son....that's when he asked me to have an abortion and when I refused, he decided to basically leave and hasn't had anything to do with our kids.... | |
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Posted: 6/29/2008 3:22:50 AM | | opackage deal. i thank you for the advice its just so hard sometimes understanding how a person can go from caring to not so. but i dont take it out on my son its not his fault. | |
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Posted: 6/29/2008 12:59:43 PM | LASOH
You may also want to talk to the father about how he feels about his child in regards to bonding.
I know this sounds silly but I've noticed that my friends that had sons bonded with their sons a
bit later than say their daughters. Even my son was basically attached to his mother's hip until
about 5 when he was less fearful about being away from mommy. Now at almost 6 he's far more
aware of his status as a boy and how hanging with daddy is preferrable at times to hanging with mommy.
O | |
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Posted: 6/29/2008 5:29:17 PM | Shorty, when it comes to SOs and children they had before you arrived, I think men and women both fall prey to believing whatever the guy or gal tells us about his X and this colors the way we perceive parenting behavior. When they treat you like gold, tell you they miss their kids, it isn't difficult to believe that it is the other parent that is not so great. And I am talking about people that have been around the block many years longer than you had when you met your x.
I think it also makes a huge difference if you are actually a parent yourself. I had been very hands-on with my roommates child for several years but you just don't really totally think like a parent and with a parent's insights until you have one or adopt one and truly become responsible for that individual's care and upbringing. Even with my stepson, there was a lag, probably before I actually had my daughter, but I was not fully in parent mode with him until several months down the road and that was with fairly consistent visitation given the 150 miles. Life changes when you become the model. | |
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