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| Can I get into a physical relationship with my erectile dysfunction?
Posted: 6/28/2008 10:58:06 AM | I'm middle aged, have a friendly, outgoing personality and a fat, short body. Aside from the current conditions in the dating world, that is, everyone being careful whom they date because relationships are taken more seriously than in the seventies and eighties -- aside from regional and temporal circumstances, and all things being equal, what are the chances of an impotent man to meet a woman, and entering and sustaining a loving relationship with her? I'm completely free of communicable diseases.
I don't want to shut the door on physical closeness. I am capable of achieving an organism, and digitally or orally I can bring women easily to the same ecstasy as before. Actually, better and quicker, because my fingers are the right length and thickness to reach the G-spot automatically and effortlessly. This is a new discovery I've made, because I hadn't been forced before to rely upon alternative techniques to intercourse, so I had not tried. I and my partner don't even have to keep looking for it. This was the case with two girlfriends-to-be, who have left me or I left them, each for different incompatibility reasons, neither of which concerned my sexual dysfunction.
How should I bring this up to a woman when I'm dating (which I am not), at what point in the relationships, and in what manner of speech? You, as a woman, how comfortable would you feel initially and down the road with a guy who's made a confession like that to you?
Has any of you had experience dating an impotent guy? Is this something that's simply not done? Is this something that makes women immediately run for the door? Are there instances, have there been any, in your life or in your circle of girlfriends who later returned from the door or came back in from the outside, and gave the guy their attention and love?
Please note: Orally taken, insertable and/or injectable dilators don't work for me, I tried quite a few of them.
Please also note: This is NOT a self-pity thread. I am genuinely curious, as you can well imagine. I seek no pity but honest, even brutally honest opinions and views. I don't want assurrance or support if it's deceptive, even just mildly deceptive. I don't wish to read replies if there is no experiential evidence behind them, but only a well-meaning and good-hearted intention behind them. Nothing wrong with a big heart or good intentions, but here it's not those that I'm looking for. If your opinion is completely negative, please state it unaltered, with no fear of hurting me.
I wish to read firstly accounts of stories and their analyses of similar experiences you've gone through, whether you're a man or a woman; secondarily, honest, first-hand opinions based on your stories of similar circumstances, if they're based on facts, even if the facts and the stories are anecdotal.
Your thoughts and comments will be much eagerly attended to. | |
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| Can I get into a physical relationship with my erectile dysfunction?
Posted: 6/28/2008 11:08:10 AM | It doesn't sound like you're impotent but I'm no expert. If you are capable of an orgasm and enjoy bringing your partner to orgasm, well what else is there? That pretty much defines physical no?
I don't think the lack of an erection would bother me in the least- there are appliances as replacements for that. I think I would bring it up when things were moving toward being physical- like, NOT on the first date or even the first few [depending on how soon the two of you want intimacy.] | |
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| Can I get into a physical relationship with my erectile dysfunction?
Posted: 6/28/2008 11:17:53 AM | I have to agree with Blue 70-
For me-sex begins in the brain-what you do after that is between the two people involved. I can still achieve an orgasm without being penetrated-and I've been with a man who I care for deeply whose had issues with ED. Do I care for him any less-nope-is our sex life diminished-nope. It all depends on how people view sexual relationships in my opinion. Being honest about your condition may not interest some women, but not all women need a penis in them to be sexual with a man they are dating.
I think the only issue would arise is how this condition makes you feel and how you relate to a woman you are with-I know there were moments where he felt less of a man because we couldn't have actual intercourse, but I assured him I care about ALL of him, not just his penis. | |
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| Can I get into a physical relationship with my erectile dysfunction?
Posted: 6/28/2008 11:24:13 AM | Thanks, Mary. It's a different thing, I believe, to have a partner who loses his ability, from meeting a man who springs this problem on you. Takes a bigger woman to overcome that than the magnanimity of a man to undergo that.
How do I feel as a man? I'm pissed off, but my ego is more-or-less intact. To me life is a comparable issue, and I win in some aspects, and lose in others. That's only normal. I see this problem of mine as a hurdle, and I wish to learn how hard it is for women to overcome it. | |
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vro312
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Joined: 11/22/2007
Msg: 7 | |
| Can I get into a physical relationship with my erectile dysfunction?
Posted: 6/28/2008 11:27:15 AM | Yeah, you probably don't want to put it in your profile or anything . . . oh, wait . . . I guess it's already *in* your profile after this.
I'd say it's only fair to tell her ahead of time, but it's certainly not necessary to say anything until the possibility of sex is on the horizon. So after you've kissed a few times or whatever and it seems like it's going somewhere, I'd tell her. I don't think it's fair to make her find out the hard way--pardon the pun.
Yes, I have dealt with it. It made me very sad and very frustrated. I'm sure it would have been different had we both been older and had it been something that went along with us aging together. But it wasn't like that. I guess the way I see it now is it's not cool to just be like, "I don't know what the problem is," and that's your response every time and nothing changes. It sounds like you have found ways to compensate and that they work well. Many women I know wouldn't mind as long as the intimacy was there.
I'd have to say, though, if it wasn't something that could be addressed through medication, I'd probably not want to deal with it. I'm sure that's because I dealt with it at a time in my life when you wouldn't expect it at all, and it left me with a bad feeling. I know every guy is pretty much going to experience ED at some point. As long as the guy actively works to remedy the problem, I'm fine with it. In the experience I had, he didn't really try to fix it, and it almost started seeming like an excuse. There's so much out there now to help with the problem that I guess you're in kind of an unusual situation if *nothing* works. | |
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| Can I get into a physical relationship with my erectile dysfunction?
Posted: 6/28/2008 11:39:18 AM | IG-
I've been in BOTH situations, one whose always had ED and another whose suffered from it and still does from time to time. Our bodies can certainly have a mind of their own, but it's all in how you view it that matters. Honestly, if you meet someone-I'd be hard pressed to expect you to explain your situation off the bat, but if you begin dating someone that interests you than the topic of sex will eventually come up. ( no pun intended)
The man who suffers from ED was embarrassed, but I told him he shouldn't be. Now, I am a very sexual person, but I didn't stop seeing this person because of ED and even though we aren't in an intimate relationship anymore we are still friends. He did feel the need to tell me almost immediately about it, and he figured I'd have run for the hills, but I liked HIM, and though he had more issues with his inability to sustain an erection it didn't bug me at all. He satisfied me in other ways and I him-surprisingly despite the fact he couldn't get fully erect EVER-during oral copulation he always had stellar orgasms.
It's like any thing that makes us 'different' from the 'norm'-some people just don't have it an issue with our quirks and those are the type of people you want to be with anyway. I mean-I'm fat-and most men figure I'd be AWFUL in bed because my size would hinder any good intercourse, but I manage quite well. I'm not exactly gumby in bed, but I do just fine. I may not be perfect ( not that anyone is ) but parts of me are most excellent-especially my mind  | |
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| Can I get into a physical relationship with my erectile dysfunction?
Posted: 6/28/2008 11:46:56 AM | ~OP~ I met someone quite some time ago and we were instantly linked to one another (in the real world, not online meeting.) After a good length of time and a solidifed relationship, I learned he had terrible scar tissue from lower back surgery and it did some unusual things to his man-hood (so to speak.) We were together over a year with absolutely no sex whatsoever, including oral/other things. I didn't wish to make him uncomfortable, he didn't want disappointment so we abstained. One of the most comfortable relationships I've personally been in. There was no need to worry about dysfunction and/or other things. That route may not be for everyone. He stimulated other areas of me much more important than phsyical sensations. I would guess this means I'm OK with that aspect of life ~ I date the man, not only his winky or sexual prowess/skills.  | |
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| Can I get into a physical relationship with my erectile dysfunction?
Posted: 6/28/2008 11:56:22 AM | | Ima lil confused OP.... Are you impotent or do you have ED ?? Cus is your tool if work'n on comand that wouldn't be classified as ED... So I'm guess'n u just can't have children.. In todays fast pace world and the eveloution of the " Career minded Woman" You'd be surprised how many women out there that actually don't want childern. | |
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| Can I get into a physical relationship with my erectile dysfunction?
Posted: 6/28/2008 11:59:26 AM | | Hi...I will start off by saying "YES" it possible to have a physical relationship even though you have ED...I admire your honesty in bringing the subject out into the open, so often men feel they are less than a man if they can't get a full erection...and yes I have encountered men who have ED...first I will say that the man needs to be secure and confident in himself, being open is the first step, telling the woman about the ED soon, not right off the bat, but by the 2nd or 3rd date, this is when the kissing and touching begin...have a heart to heart talk with the woman and if she has a problem with the ED then she can move on...please, don't feel you are less of a man, you are not alone with the ED and erections do not make the man...I have found, after many years, that oral sex is very satisfying, I've even tried to talk with my women friends to let them know that men find oral sex very enjoyable...I admit I wasn't that good at oral sex but I bought a book, yes it is a very down to earth book not a joke book, and it helped me in doing oral sex and now I find it very enjoyable...I've heard men say that they preform oral sex on their women but the woman won't perform oral sex on them, that's sad because as I've mentioned men find it very enjoyable and it really isn't fair to the man to deny him the pleasure...in all honesty, whatever 2 people do in private is no one's business, UNLESS, the sexual activity is forced upon one or the other...I have to say that I haven't found my "one and only" but the men I have met, whether we hit it off or not, have been gentlemen...in fact a few guys and I have kept in touch, we are friends, that is possible because we weren't that deeply involved and from my encounters with these men I have a whole new outlook on what men are like, most every man I've had sex with have wanted to please me first and if he didn't please me he felt he hadn't been a good sex partner, which is not true at all but a lot of the pleasure in sex for the man is pleasing the woman he is with...now that I have rambled on and on I will tell you that I have the equivalent of ED in that I can't achieve a climax with penetration but I can climax with oral sex, so, if a man told me he had ED I would simply say, that's fine, I do too and there are many ways to pleasure one another if we are willing to put fears aside and enjoy what we have...I have a disability and many disabled people have to look for creative means to have a good sex life, sex is "great" if both people respect and care for the person they are having sex with...SO ENJOY...! | |
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| Can I get into a physical relationship with my erectile dysfunction?
Posted: 6/28/2008 12:46:24 PM | | I was watching a show this past week. With Dr. Oz. He tested 4 guys that had erectile dysfuction. Then had them eat 3 raw cloves chopped, everyday for a month. THere was significant improvement if not full recovery of erectile function. Apparently, the arteries and veins can get clogged with plaque, etc. causing erectile disfunction. The garlic, freshly chopped and eaten. Unclogged the veins. GO figure. Dr. Oz also said, unfortunately,, when a man is experincing erectile dysfunction (not related to a side effect of a drug he is taking) he can usually expect to have a heart attack within 3 years of the onset of the dysfunction. He said it is a early warning sign for men. | |
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| Can I get into a physical relationship with my erectile dysfunction?
Posted: 6/28/2008 1:48:19 PM | I’d like to answer thank you all and answer your points in a timely and orderly fashion. The system will allow me to put messages only if ten others have left messages between any two of mine. This is the system. I will keep on adding my answers as we go along, but they cannot be consecutive for long, beyond two of messages.
Blue, yes, on paper sex still works for me and I can help my, at this point hypothetical, lover to achieve orgasm. But it goes a bit beyond that. If I do it while sporting no erection, or a little one, it has an effect on the lover. To most people it would mean an emotional discrepancy, and would mean they’d have to go through a learning experience to be able to get used to this. Most people (myself too) is very reluctant to change some of their ways. The common conception is: a man is the protector and the hunter – it’s hard to imagine him in those roles if he can’t get it up. The hardness of the penis translates to a hardness of the person, who can kill a gazelle and not be too sentimental about poachers. (Women poachers.) People automatically connect a flaccid member with a flaccid will. He’s as strong only as his erection, people automatically have that opinion. I am very happy you think differently, because that means some others may, too.
Dear Vro, yes, I count myself lucky in the sense that I’m not letting anyone down, and that I’ve gained enough ego strength compared to my earlier, younger self, that this is basically a pleasure issue, not a be-all-and-end-all problem for me. Pleasure issue in the sense of the coupling instinct, of finding a woman I can call special and vice versa. I am sorry to hear your lover and you had to cope with that. In fact, my long time lover left me because she had spectacular orgasms, but she had to have intercourse for that. Now she’s dating someone else, but around me she’s very attentive, has more respect and kindness for me (and vice versa) than what we displayed for the other when we were screwing. She’s good looking, slim, and I’m happy for her because the new boyfriend seems to be very adequate for her, but he drives me up the wall. He talks too much, and mumbles and drools. No, he doesn’t. But he is[/I] too talkative, and he has anger management issues. I have yet to hear a sentence from him that I find entertaining, but the gf is very happy with him. Come to think of it... I[/I] talk too much too, and I too do lose my patience (but not my temper) quickly... go figure.
Mary, I’m very happy for you, you seem to have no problem finding appropriate partners. Your comments I value, as you speak from experience. They give me the proper perspective I’m seeking.
VeryGreenEyes, I understand the situation you described. I have a very close friend, a tall and slim and picturesque Englishwoman, with whom we don’t even kiss, though she is flirtatious from time to time. We have this comfort relationship of confidantes and intellectual playmates. Sex would be a bother for us, even if I could get a full erection, because sex always complicates things – creates more expectations, easier hurts, stronger emotions, all due to the closer emotional proximity. This English lady still was surprised and I felt I risked too much and unnecessarily, when I confided the ED problem with her. You see, a woman likes a man to be a man. When she heard, it shook her up a bit, but in no time we were back to the regular groove in our relationship as friends.
That SamIAm, thanks for your expressed sympathy. You too are supplying me with valuable perspective.
Masked Hero, thanks for asking, because probably a lot of people are curious about the same thing. I mean a lot of people who have read this thread. 1. I always orgasm after the regular amount of stimulation and excitement 2. My erection is half the size it used to be, it’s only about 10 inches now. Oyyy... that’s a joke y’all understand. 3. It’s too soft to enter a tight entrance. I haven’t tried loose entrances. 4. I ejaculate on the average only about once out of each four times, and the frequency is declining. I believe it’s my enlarged prostate – I ejaculate towards my bladder, because the duct toward the outside world is too tight when the prostate is pumping.
Tami, thanks for your heartfelt advice. You must be a gem. I had two lovers in the eighties who could orgasm while giving head. I don’t know how that’s possible, but I believe you, as if you were doing it right now, right here, like those two ladies did it a long time ago. Humans as a species are incredibly creative to get their needs satisfied – agriculture, garment manufacturing, movie making, everything is an offshoot that grew out of basic needs. I congratulate you for overcoming your disability. Most people shy away from thinking about the disabled as sexual beings (and also about the fat and the ugly as sexual beings – I don’t mean you!!! Please!) but true equal access goes a lot longer and a lot deeper than most regular people like to think.
Navywave, I know what you mean. Garlic has a wonderful artery-anti-clogging effect. And you’re right about the hear disease. I have CAD, and it and the meds I take for it are very much the immediate reasons for my ED. That’s why dilators won’t work for me. They get distributed in my system, they won’t stay localized. It’s because I take already two prescription vasodilator medication, for high blood pressure. It’s just hard – think of it – getting dates even if your hammer works well, if you smell of garlic incessantly!!!
Thank you for your contribution, and I’ll be back once again when a substantial amount of posts accumulate. | |
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| Can I get into a physical relationship with my erectile dysfunction?
Posted: 6/28/2008 1:52:04 PM | Well, you are a courageous soul to broach this subject, however hidden through a screen you may be...
It is a such a pain-laced, shame-soaked existence for a man to not have that ability anymore and I don't blame your obscurity...
We women get this point, so most of us avoid talking about it, unless it hits closer to home, and then, only in private.
...But, let's see if I can be of any help!
I dated a guy who was a bit older (approaching 50) than me (31, at the time) a few years back...
He had a bunch of things going on in his life before I got there (which is one of the main reasons it couldn't have gone anywhere)
where his emotional state got in the way of being able to maintain an erection.
I found it very frustrating trying to get it to cooperate!
Now, he had other very well-honed skills that more than made up for it, but it wouldn't have replaced it, for very long, for me.
I enjoy lots of other ways to be satisfied (and to satisfy) during sex (he had me breathless wondering 'what was that fabulous thing ya just did to me?!' ),
but I need intercourse to be a reliable part of 98% of most encounters.
--I just do at this point in my life. It is a deal-breaker.
When we had sex for the first time, it was touch and go for a few minutes before he said that sometimes 'it happens.'
I worked a bit harder, and it was still touch and go.
--It is the possibility that it could happen I found frustrating!
...Not knowing one way or another... breaking out with some more heavy-duty tricks in my arsenal to get it going, but to no avail. ...Arrrrghh!!!
So, I think telling a woman the simple truth that it won't ever be able to happen at the beginning of the first sexual encounter would be best.
...I can't, of course, speak for everyone.
You will find some women closer to your own age (54) with a different sexual appetite and/or needs from mine looking for someone just like you.
I know a few women personally that get more satisfaction from other means than regular intercourse, but I can only tell my own stories here.
--Perhaps you will get some insight from some other outspoken ladies in this thread...
I hope you do...
Good Luck!
P.S. Keep on learning new things to try...
I wish you an eager partner for you to practice with!  | |
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| Can I get into a physical relationship with my erectile dysfunction?
Posted: 6/28/2008 5:31:05 PM | OP, not meaning to be mean here but if you already have ED and CAD, why don't you lose some weight? If you're short & fat (your words), reaching a healthy body weight would surely do alot for your CAD and it may even help the ED. There was an article on Yahoo Health a few wks ago about how ED could be an underlying symptom of diabetes, or heart disease and a few others.
My ex b/f had problems every now & then. Fifteen months after meeting him (2 months after we broke up), he had a major heart attack and ended up with a stent. He was only about 30 lbs overweight and was 49. He hadn't been to a doc's in a long time. Had I known then (about that article) what I know now, I would have made him the appt. myself. If he had never been able to have actual intercourse after the heart attack, I would have stayed with him - if only he hadn't of been a cheater. He's one of the lucky ones because he swears his "tool" works much better now with lots more blood getting to it.
But you're right OP with it being different if a woman is already involved with the man when he starts to experience it versus knowing that from the start of a new relationship. Personally, I don't know that I could go without it - for the rest of my life (or yours). I don't think I could - no matter how good of a lover you are.
HR  | |
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| Can I get into a physical relationship with my erectile dysfunction?
Posted: 6/29/2008 1:18:30 AM | Thanks all you ladies and one laddy for your answers. I am very happy I got you to honest and candid answers.
I tabulated the results.
Two respondents did not address the issue.
Of the six respondents who spoke from personal experience, two have been involved with men with ED, and happily so.
Four others who also had personal experience with men with ED said definitely no to meeting a man and establishing a relationship of any length if he has ED.
Similarly, one hypothetical yes, she'd accept a man with a problem like that, and one hypothetical no. These two respondents were speculating or did not give the detail of having experienced going with a man with ED.
Of the three who said yes, two had limited buying power, so to speak, in the dating word. The third one looks like she prefers men with low libidos.
Of the five who said no, three had high purchasing power, two had low.
This is the raw data. Furhter analysis of this is fun, but has no true statistical significance.
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Analysis:
People who have low purchasing power are more willing to put out. They forgive and forego many faults and needs, respectively, by force of circumstance of their position in the pecking order.
Women naturally tend to shy away from guys with ED. To most, in my mind to those who act naturally and on the impulse of their true opinion, it's a deal-breaker. Even women with low purchasing power would reject a man with ED, and that's not surprsing. A man is mainly a man because of his primary male characteristics. If they're absent, he's not even half a man.
One oddity was recorded. It was the highest purchasing power woman of the lot, who would still put up with a guy with ED. I can explain this decision of hers because of her special circumstances. She wants a man who won't bother for sex too much. I won't speculate why that is a preference for her, but it's in her profile.
In conclusion, I should basically forget about developing any relationship with a good-looking, healthy woman based on the analysis. If I want a good-looking woman, I must be on the look-out for a quirky person, and I must be lucky enough to have one cross paths with me.
This analysis reinforces the idea that I'm lucky to have the friendship of the English lady, and I am sorry to have given up on another friend very recently, who offered her friendship, and I wanted more -- which resulted in a break-up. She was totally gorgeous, that was part of the problem -- too much eye-candy for my resilience against the temptation of naughtiness. | |
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| Can I get into a physical relationship with my erectile dysfunction?
Posted: 6/29/2008 8:24:34 AM | OP you analyse too much. Keep it simple. When you meet a lady tell them sooner rather than later. It shows you are considerate and gives them a chance to exit. If the lady sticks around and you do get to the point of sharing a bed, do everything you can to be sure she is having a really good time. Let her tell you or show you what she wants and needs. A lot of men don't do this, so most ladies appreciate that you are paying attention and putting them first.
Yes, you do need to take care of yourself. Get as fit as you can. Lose weight if you have any extra. Quit smoking. Cut out alcohol. All these may help your ED problem and all are certainly good for your overall health. | |
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| Can I get into a physical relationship with my erectile dysfunction?
Posted: 6/29/2008 8:28:34 AM | Interesting poll results you have there. I've made note in case I'm ever in the ED situation (I'm a guy by the way, seems we're scarce on this thread).
When I first started reading the thread, I was going to mention that you should be checked for CAD but now I see that you already have. But if your meds are the reason Viagra won't help your ED, talk to your doctor about changing your meds. There's a wide variety of drugs on the market for the treatment of CAD that won't circumvent the advantages of Viagra. At least it wouldn't hurt to check into going that route.
I'll second the suggestion regarding losing some weight but for reasons of your own health rather than just getting laid.
Meanwhile, good luck with your love life. Sounds like your approach is as good or better than most of us here lol! | |
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| Can I get into a physical relationship with my erectile dysfunction?
Posted: 6/29/2008 10:57:21 AM | | I had a partner that had this same problem and we were together for 8 months. Only 3 times out of that 8 months was he actually able to have intercourse. He could not come to an orgasm during intercourse. It took manual stimulation to bring him to his "peak". Intimacy and pleasing a partner sexually isn't all about penetration, there are sooooo many other ways to please each other. If you partner needs the feel of penetration there are all kinds of toys that are fun to "play with". Regardless of what men think, the brain is a bigger sex tool then a erect penis. | |
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| Can I get into a physical relationship with my erectile dysfunction?
Posted: 6/29/2008 1:05:03 PM | Erectile dysfunction should not be a problem in a relationship as long as you are able and willing to satisfy your partner via other means- oral sex, etc. Personally, I would not have a problem being in a relationship with a man with erectile dysfunction as
long as my needs were met and vice versa. | |
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| Can I get into a physical relationship with my erectile dysfunction?
Posted: 6/29/2008 1:48:56 PM | Impotent guy, you need to EXERCISE.........a lot.......stop eating junk food and EAT A LOT OF FRUIT AND VEGETABLES. If you smoke, you need to stop. Now. And your doctors can move to other medications with less side effects, if you discuss it with them.
And if you think a lot of garlic might work, don't worry about the smell of it. | |
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