| Negative Attitudes [CLOSED Period]
Posted: 6/29/2008 1:34:04 PM | I'm curious, I've seen a lot of negative posting in the forums lately and I'm wondering are people clueless that these negative posts appear on profiles and clueless to the fact that when people view their profile that their own negativity could be turning people off.
I just think to myself, geez, if they think they had a problem meeting people before, its gonna be 10 times worse now.
I know theres been more than once when I think someone looks like a fine catch and then I read their forum history and words like "looser" or "crybaby" pop to mind when I read stuff like...
"I'm a nice guy and no one wants me" translates to me to mean you think you're nice but everyone else thinks you're an a$$
"No one will date me" translates to me that you're undatable (whereas i might had considered you datable until you warned me)
"All the women are snobby" translates to me that you don't like women
"There arent enough women and the women that are here are too picky" translates to me that you're not having any luck and instead of thinking it might be because of your own actions, you put it off on everyone else as them being too fussy to accept you
"People on the site aren't really looking to date." translates to me to mean people won't date you for whatever reason cause yes, most people on this site are looking to date
etc etc.
To me its almost a self fullfilling prophesy.
Post that you are undatable, and you only assure yourself that you will be.
I don't know of one user that is looking to meet someone that is always a cup 1/2 empty kinda person. Its hard imagine future happiness with someone that prefers to be vinegar in nature instead of honey.
So whats your take on this?
Do you read what people post in the forums?
Does negativity in posts turn you off on a user?
If you post negative posts, how is that working for you?
What are some of the type of posts that turn you off a potential mate? | |
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| Negative Attitudes
Posted: 6/29/2008 2:06:49 PM | Im completely undateable... ask around... lol
Youre totally right though! You get back what you put out. I dont mind profiles that say things like "Havnt had any luck but Im still trying" but getting down on the women that are around or yourself doesnt help anything.
I read some of the forum posts... and there are certain people Ive thought were doomed by the way they speak. Negativity is definetly not for me... Im far too bubbly most of the time it just wouldnt mesh.
Posts that turn me off... HA! Loaded question! "Why didnt they call?" "My ex is a psycho!" (Unless they really are, and there are some out there) "Why dont women like me?"... the list goes on | |
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| Negative Attitudes
Posted: 6/29/2008 2:10:18 PM | I agree. I see a lot of posts where, its like, I'm sure the person is fishing for pity compliments or something.
I can also see how people would use forumn posts to their advantage to present a certain character. (for example, like how I'm replying to this post in this manner...)
I guess thats the whole thing with this internet dating and forumns and stuff, people dont have to be accountable for what they say cause they never have to meet who their chatting to, so they can say anything or "act" in a certain way which they wouldn't dare to in real life
negativity in posts doesn't really turn me off.... its interesting rather. | |
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| Negative Attitudes
Posted: 6/29/2008 2:57:07 PM | My turn offs are:
Negativity towards women or other users in posts.
Negativity in profiles.
Negativity and slams in emails when you turn a guy down despite having a good explanation. | |
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| Negative Attitudes
Posted: 6/29/2008 3:17:40 PM |
negativity in posts doesn't really turn me off.... its interesting rather.
You know what, I'm gonna call your bluff cause I don't believe you.
Yes I find it interesting but more as entertainment, sorta like watching a bad guy get shot up on tv.
Can you really claim that watching someone be repeatedly negative in the forums wouldn't result in you not being interested in pursuing them?
Negativity and slams in emails when you turn a guy down despite having a good explanation.
Who even says you need an explanation?
None of us need to justify why we aren't interested in someone else.
I saw a discussion the other day where a guy was saying he was upset when people didn't respond to his emails because he felt he needed "closure".
Someone pointed out that there should be no need for closure when you havent even had communication with someone.
As for negativity on profiles, it surprises me at how many users like to out other users on their profiles. Not only do I consider that a negative but also a red flag saying "danger". | |
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| Negative Attitudes
Posted: 6/29/2008 3:38:41 PM | is not the OP by bringing attention to negativity
bringing focus to it
even though I do believe it is not your intention
by concentrating on the positive or solutions
we could make that become self fulfilling
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| Negative Attitudes
Posted: 6/29/2008 5:02:35 PM | | I simply couldn't imagine living my life so unhappy and so miserable with every waking moment! Indeed these people will be alone - forever! Positivity begets positivity! Sometimes you just have to choose to rise above the negativity to get along in life! | |
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| Negative Attitudes
Posted: 6/29/2008 5:14:17 PM | ^^^^
I couldnt agree more Leeanne.
I will say though, sometimes I see people ranting with "nobody likes me, everybody hates me, i'm gonna eat worms" threads and i'm starting to realize that some people are just he11bent on being miserable so I'm best not to even waste my efforts by posting in the thread cause theres not a thing myself or anyone else can do to change their mind. I'm to the point that I believe its better just to ignore these toxic people.
three outta 5 sounds like they are directed at one gender sounds rather negative to me
just to be clear, those were actual quotes from threads recently posted (paraphrased as not to out anyone)
i agree, it definately does sound like the men that posted those were negative.
keep in mind i just posted recent examples, it had no reflection on my personal opinion, in fact it was the opinion of others that i was sharing
ironically i was unable to find any "i'm a nice girl why wont anyone date me"etc. threads. | |
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| Negative Attitudes
Posted: 6/29/2008 5:58:39 PM |
negativity in posts doesn't really turn me off.... its interesting rather.
You know what, I'm gonna call your bluff cause I don't believe you.
Yes I find it interesting but more as entertainment, sorta like watching a bad guy get shot up on tv.
Can you really claim that watching someone be repeatedly negative in the forums wouldn't result in you not being interested in pursuing them?
no thats not what i meant. I know what you mean. I do see some of the same people always making negative posts, and sometimes its all I can do to hold back and just send them a rant msg. but those people are obvious losers, and i figure that other people see the same. I meant that some people are just negative, and have a different "negative" view of everything because of whats happened to them in life, and they can argue logically for all of their negative points.... those negative people are interesting. they are different than the pity-me losers who post negative comments just to seak attention....... those people are like the spam of forumns | |
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| Negative Attitudes
Posted: 6/29/2008 6:09:47 PM |
ironically i was unable to find any "i'm a nice girl why wont anyone date me"etc. threads.
I see a few of them every day.
The mods are constantly deleting nice fat girl threads. I just commented in one recently.
I can be abrasive at times in the forums. I don't care. I don't have to care. | |
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| Negative Attitudes
Posted: 6/29/2008 6:58:13 PM |
Do you read what people post in the forums?
Yes . If I find a profile that is intrigueing , I will search up any forum posts just to get a better sense of that person .
Does negativity in posts turn you off on a user?
Most definitely so !
If you post negative posts, how is that working for you?
I rarely post anything negative , as that is not the type of person I am . I always try to see the positive in any situation .. sometimes too much so .
What are some of the type of posts that turn you off a potential mate?
Racist remarks , name calling , too many references to drinking . If I see someone respond rather rudely in response to another's attempt at a joke , it turns me off that they take it in the wrong way . People that post a topic asking for opinions and advice , then feel the need to battle anyone whose opinion differs from their ... these turn me off . | |
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| Negative Attitudes
Posted: 6/30/2008 6:41:36 AM | I don't deal with negativity around me very well..... I completely admit to that being a weakness of mine... it drains me and leaves me feeling exhausted.
The negativity that people post about in these forums usually stems from a previous hurt.... and some people just do not seem to have the ability to move forward in their lives, thus creating a huge wall of negative vibes around them. Unbeknownst to them, they have effectively decreased their chances of finding someone whether it be on here or IRL.
I agree with Leeanne... you get back what you put out... if you are putting out positive energy, you will get that back tenfold.
I am always suprised by the number of people in these forums (men and women) that say they receive hate mail from other PoFers. I read their profile, it seems fairly upbeat... then I read their posts.... and quite often their writings are so full of derrogatory terms and phrases, it's no wonder they get those messages!
All the power to those that choose to be mean and hateful in these forums.... it's a wonderful weeding tool!
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Posted: 6/30/2008 6:57:36 AM | ohh no tell me it isn't so !!!! and someone actually thought I am serious in my posts ??? big mistake! 
excellant topic Ms. Allison..... I can only speak for myself, but wow it has quite opened my eyes to some that had checked me out... makes the fishing excursion more interesting indeed!
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| Negative Attitudes
Posted: 6/30/2008 7:00:32 AM | Ya got me tinkin here lol
I guess too much nagativity can be a red flag, but also, I take these types as (a) nothing will ever make them happy, or (b) they're expressing a feeling on a particular topic, which is them just being honest.
I suppose when people meet face2face, there will be times when a negative comment will be made, so do I run? Shut myself down to that person? Engage in what could be a fired up conversation that either leads to some good laughs or a bye bye, see ya later.
We all have opinions, thoughts and I personally think, it's in HOW we express them. Unfortunately, the written word can be taken in so many different ways and mostly read with emotion, rather then insight. Of course,,,,,,,,not having met anyone who's left me begging for more, maybe I don't qualify to comment. It's all subjective  | |
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| Negative Attitudes
Posted: 6/30/2008 7:52:20 AM | Yes I have seen some negativity around the forums lately and that why I have been off them and a lot happier out and about meeting in real!   | |
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| Negative Attitudes
Posted: 6/30/2008 8:13:19 AM |
We all have opinions, thoughts and I personally think, it's in HOW we express them. Unfortunately, the written word can be taken in so many different ways and mostly read with emotion, rather then insight.
My feelings exactly CNC.
But I would also like to comment on the OP regarding whether people realize the negative posts show up on their profile.
Personally, I would rather someone be real and post how they feel because it DOES reflect who they are. But I am someone who appreciates people who speak their mind - regardless if goes against the grain. People also have bad days - so you take the good with the bad. I would have red flags with someone who only lived on Cloud 9 in all their posts - where's the alter ego? Everyone has one - and if it's not shown publicly I'd have some reservations.
I know of people who have strong feelings in particular threads that WON'T post in response for the simple fact that is DOES show on their profile. I'd be more concerned about these people - the ones who feel the need to curb their thoughts/feelings to adhere to the "popular vote.
I don't have a problem with people being negative in a thread - just so long as they aren't bashing someone unjustifiably. Usually there is an emotional connection for the poster to the topic in the thread. If you feel the need to speak your piece/give your perspective, fine - say it and leave it at that. It's the TROLLS on here that do it for attention seeking purposes that bug me. | |
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| Negative Attitudes
Posted: 6/30/2008 10:56:04 AM | Does negativity in posts turn you off on a user?
The occasional post, no. We all have our bad days and negative opinions about some things. However, people whose posts are *constantly* negative turn me off big time, and there are a few of those people in these forums. I feel sorry for them, their lives must be really miserable for them to be so negative. | |
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| Negative Attitudes
Posted: 7/1/2008 3:35:32 AM |
Everyone is entitled to their own opinion.
But of course and I don't see anywhere in this thread saying people can't have their own opinion.
I think what you'll see though is people saying that if you constantly posting negative posts, degrading posts to the opposite gender, poor me posts, rude comments on your profile etc that you're not doing yourself any favours. | |
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Posted: 7/1/2008 10:08:29 AM | Oh I post some posts that some perceive as negative.
Ya think? I've seen you paint whole cities with a single negative brush.
I see no difference in the number of people I dated before or after I posted.
And that is as honest an answer to the OP's question than any other answer. You see no difference.
and when I posted about the challenges that Black women face on these sites.
This past weekend here in Toronto an estimated one million people lined the streets in support of Gay Pride Week. Certainly the vast majority were not gay themselves. I think it goes a long way to show how far we have come as a society.
Thirty five years ago there was no Gay Pride Parade. Intolerance and bigotry against gays and lesbians was rampant. A popular past-time on Hallowe'en was to go downtown and throw eggs and rotten tomatoes at the gay men/cross dressers as they "paraded" themselves outside of the St. Charles Tavern on Yonge Street. Few people were ever arrested for these assaults as police stood by and allowed it to happen.
Attitudes change. Societies change. My own father is a racist bigot. But, he did not raise a racist bigot. The human rights movement of the 1960's spread from the streets of impoverished USA and into the classrooms of mainstream Canada. It touched a lot of us. While at home we were being taught that black people were inferior, all around us we were seeing firsthand that they weren't inferior. It wasn't a huge leap to include all people of all races, creeds, religions and sexual orientations.
With some people the message didn't take. And when you pull up to the drive through window in your BMW and they mutter something stupid under their breath as they pass you your french fries, I ask you to ignore them. They are the minority. They do not speak for me.
You are far too intelligent, far too articulate and educated to allow these people to have any affect on your being whatsoever. They are mere remnants of a bygone era. They are the new disenfranchised. The anti-intellectuals. The ones that look at you and blame you for their failings, their plight.
In response to the OP's question, I would say that yes, constant negativity in posts here at POF would affect who I would consider dating. I feel there needs to be a balance. If someone's entire essence seemed to be wrapped up in fighting the civil rights fight (and by the way, the fight will NEVER end, no one will ever convert 100% of the people) I would worry that they would be far too drained for a personal/intimate relationship. | |
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| Negative Attitudes
Posted: 7/1/2008 11:36:42 AM |
Is starting this thread a sign of being happy?
Well now I never claimed to be happy or to be a role model. Additonally I never suggested people should fake being happy or anything even remotely similar. That being said, I don't think starting this thread is a reflection of my own happiness or unhappiness. Its simply a question posed to the community.
Furthermore I dont see a single user coming to this thread to say they are "happy really happy".
Personally I would rather someone be real than put on a a fake persona.
I also think its possible to be real without pouring negativity all over the place.
I think its possible to be cronically miserable without having to post all over the forums telling everyone how cronically miserable you are.
To me its about trying to present yourself in a good light. Lets be honest, this is a dating site. Selling yourself as a whiner in the forums generally doesn't fly over as a someone highly sought after. Just as you might brush your hair, shave and throw on a clean shirt for a date (to make a good impression) users should consider what type of impression their online activities give.
Bottom line the intent of this thread was to inquire about the perceptions of others when they see users that are cronically miserable and negative on the forums and how does it impact you, the viewer, if at all? | |
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Posted: 7/1/2008 12:12:53 PM | bottom line... we are each attracted to different things, depending on our own outlook and perceptions... while i may read a post and think "would you like some cheese with that whine?", another reader may have had a similar experience and may gain respect for the poster for airing that viewpoint...
personally i don't go for the woe is me threads, but there are some who don't like my irreverant attitude... to each his own... and to thine own self be true | |
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Posted: 7/1/2008 1:54:47 PM | Now you I respect and it is one of the most honest posts I have seen on here concerning this topic.
My own father is a racist bigot. But, he did not raise a racist bigot. The human rights movement of the 1960's spread from the streets of impoverished USA and into the classrooms of mainstream Canada. It touched a lot of us. While at home we were being taught that black people were inferior, all around us we were seeing firsthand that they weren't inferior. It wasn't a huge leap to include all people of all races, creeds, religions and sexual orientations.
With some people the message didn't take.
And when you pull up to the drive through window in your BMW and they mutter something stupid under their breath as they pass you your french fries, I ask you to ignore them. They are the minority. They do not speak for me.
Understood but alas, they are not in the minority. People like you are in the minority but it is a growing minority. When one drives by a high school, one sees a much more inclusive mindset in living colour and this shows that there is hope.
You are far too intelligent, far too articulate and educated to allow these people to have any affect on your being whatsoever.
Thank you. God bless you.
They are mere remnants of a bygone era. They are the new disenfranchised. The anti-intellectuals. The ones that look at you and blame you for their failings, their plight.
Thank you. I do have to remind myself that these archaic attitudes are dwindling and they will gradually die out and take hope in that.
I must point out that while I speak out strongly abour some issues. I repeatedly say SOME not all when I am discussing the concerns that I have. Remember that. I stand by what I have said about Toronto being unfriendly and about most White men and many Asian men discriminating against Black women. However, I also repeatedly say there are exceptions. Most and many does not mean all.
Speaking out about reality does not make one negative as some would like to lead us to believe. I will continue to speak about reality until that reality changes. | |
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| Negative Attitudes
Posted: 7/1/2008 2:36:17 PM | I fully agree with the original post.
I understand that anger is often justified and it's an honest expression but you'll turn away potential mates who might be perfect for you.
Put the negativity aside, you should be putting your best features forward. People don't want to hear about your previous bad experiences on a job interview, that kind of resume will be filed in the circular bin immediately. | |
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| Negative Attitudes
Posted: 7/1/2008 3:06:08 PM | I don't care much for the mean non-empathetic posts. I see no need to call another person stupid, a moron etc., even if I think it. Not everyone was born with the same intelligence level. I also don't care much for the un-forgiving type people. You hear alot about compassion on here, but I don't see it alot in the postings. As someone who has made mistakes and had others around me make mistakes and been forgiven and have forgave, I can't understand the capacity of not being able to (within certain limits of course). And I'm not even religious!
I try to see things from all angles, albeit we are all bent one way to begin with. What most impresses me (man or woman) is when someone is able to make me see something from a new point of view with an intelligent well thought out post. I've always liked people with opinions who are able to debate them intelligently.
Negativity yes.... and understanding of REALITY and an awareness of social issues...that's a turn-on not a turn-off.
I'm with you on this one!
As for the being happy part. Yeah, that's a good one. It's one of the most popular catch phrases today "be happy with yourself". Well, most people are not 100% happy, and so what? Sometimes we strive for things in order to be happy and then realize that part of the fun was attaining that which made us happy. But because Dr. Phil and his cronies all spout this stuff, everyone is on the band wagon now.
Everyone has bad days, but one will notice a consistently negative poster.
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