| Rekindle Old Flames?
Posted: 6/29/2008 3:56:16 PM | Recently I've been pondering about this, and I'd like - if you will - to share your opinions with me on the following subject. (Just to get some perspectives)
In your opinion do you feel that rekindling an old flame is possible? Once you've gotten over someone and totally lost your feelings for them, do you think it's possible to fall back in love with them, if they're the same? Or if they've changed?
I'm sure I'm not the only one whose encountered losing respect for the person they're dating or had dated. The nagging/fighting/judging piles itself up and you don't feel the same about that person, because all of these bad things take away from how you felt in the first place. And even if things get better, the excitement of being in that no fighting honey moon stage is over.
Do you believe that you can erase the pet peeves and issues you have with your partner AND rekindle that spark that you initially had? Or is it too late, the tables have turned and it's time to move on?
I fear that many couples are getting together and staying together just because they get along, and are happy. But do truly happy couples keep that flame going or do they accept that a flame is gone?
I apologize that my thread is all over the place, I'm not too sure what exactly to ask - but I'd like to hear your opinions regarding this subject whichever part I've referred to.
Thanks :) | |
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| Rekindle Old Flames?
Posted: 6/29/2008 4:07:39 PM | | I think you are all over the place because you are really asking how people stay in LTRs. Relationships are up and down, especially over the long haul. One month you are madly in love and can't get enough, the next you can't stand to hear his voice. The key is riding out the bad times and accepting that not EVERY moment has to be--or even should be--"perfect" or "wonderful". I mean, think of it with your female friends: I regularly get irked with my friends and we cool off for a bit, then we're fast friends again. It doesn't mean I dump them as friends because we had one disagreement or rough patch. | |
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| Rekindle Old Flames?
Posted: 6/29/2008 4:09:54 PM | Hi there april rain;
I have just read your posting.
Then i looked at your profile.
You are only 20 years old
I wonder how many relationships have you had?
I know it is possible to rekindle an old flame as it is to fall in love young or the very first time.
My advice is you are young, just move on with your life and do not look back.
Its no good being with someone because you get along and are happy.
You need love and with out love its not on.
Mike. | |
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| Rekindle Old Flames?
Posted: 6/29/2008 4:11:45 PM | No retreads
Unless the circumstances (jobs forced seperation) were uncontrollable.
O | |
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| Rekindle Old Flames?
Posted: 6/29/2008 4:15:58 PM | | I think its possible to still love someone, but once you've "gotten over" them, to me, its over. I have never been able to rekindle a romantic relationship with an old flame. :( | |
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| Rekindle Old Flames?
Posted: 6/29/2008 4:17:02 PM | While I appreciate the attempt at advice Mike,
I didn't state that this was a personal post. I did, actually, state that it was merely a ponder.
I'm so tired of hearing the "You're young" blah blah blah. Like I haven't heard it before?
20 years old is plenty old enough and is plenty of time to have a lot of good relationships and even some serious ones. I'm not acting all wise and mighty so I see no reason for my age to be brought into this. AGH. Now that I've got that rant out. I think I agree with reply #1 to an extent, but I find it hard to determine whether you're as happy you could possibly be you know? Like.. sure you love someone, and of course you have rough times - but could you be with somebody else and be happier and have less rough times? Hm, I guess this is why I believe it's almost impossible to find that one true love, on the definition of TRUE love rather than just a real love. | |
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| Rekindle Old Flames?
Posted: 6/29/2008 4:19:30 PM | | Your ex's are your ex's for a reason. Keep your past in the past. | |
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| Rekindle Old Flames?
Posted: 6/29/2008 5:09:33 PM | In your opinion do you feel that rekindling an old flame is possible?
Yes it is..
Once you've gotten over someone and totally lost your feelings for them, do you think it's possible to fall back in love with them, if they're the same? Or if they've changed?
Yes, you can still fall in love with them... whether it will work or not, is a whole other story... In my experience VERY rarely do they change. Most of the time, those same issues you had while you were together always come back.
Do you believe that you can erase the pet peeves and issues you have with your partner AND rekindle that spark that you initially had? Or is it too late, the tables have turned and it's time to move on?
The only time I've ever seen couples succeed in getting over loss of trust ( eg. infidelity, substance abuse, mental and physical abuse), is with major councelling. Other then that, if things haven't been resolved and some trust regained, its VERY rare it'll work.
I fear that many couples are getting together and staying together just because they get along, and are happy. But do truly happy couples keep that flame going or do they accept that a flame is gone?
Being together just because you get along and are happy together, is a good start, but its not enough, in my opinion. There are also many other factors within a relationship that you also have to have, such as, trust, respect, honour. Being in a healthy relationship isn't easy. BOTH partners have to continuously work at it. If only one is trying to keep it together it WILL eventually suffer, and resentment will set in.
Ask any of these couples that have been married for 20, 30, 50 years and they'll all tell you it wasn't always roses, but it does take two people to make it work. | |
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| Rekindle Old Flames?
Posted: 6/29/2008 5:23:40 PM | | Hormones and life experiences are two different things. As a twenty year old you cannot equate a flame with life experience, if you have lost a love through certain circumstances like war and rekindled that is definitely something where the connection can be and has been very successful . The best way to rekindle is to realize what you owned in the dissolution. If both have healed and own their stuff they can by choice create something phenomenal. Deep chemistry between long term couples is created by adding layers of activity based loving on loving...... because mattering to matter ............matters. | |
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| Rekindle Old Flames?
Posted: 6/29/2008 5:25:59 PM | | Stop being a lazy ass (going the ex route) and find someone new. | |
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| Rekindle Old Flames?
Posted: 6/29/2008 5:26:20 PM | | better to have love and lost.....when it is over its over....time to move on.... | |
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| Rekindle Old Flames?
Posted: 6/29/2008 5:36:19 PM | People grow and change, even if they don't notice it themselves! lol
While it's not (yet) happened to me, I do think it's possible. Quite a conundrum really, because (speaking only for myself) I do feel that ex's should remain ex's... There's usually a reason it didnt work out before, then again ... sigh .. Anything is possible with humans! lol
One example I can think of is if a person were in a relationship with someone who had addiction issues. Addictions can really turn a person off and they do cause a lot of trouble in relationships - # 1 Trust. That being said, there are lots of addicts/alcoholics who've found recovery and are absolutely Not the same as they were before. In a situation like that, I can definitely see an old flame rekindled. Suppose it depends on why it ended in the first place and if that 'situation' has been remedied.
So .. the answer is an unequivicable Yes and No. .. Maybe?
Good question and interesting ponderings there OP. and no worries those who shoot the age arrow just aren't thinking. I know some 18 year olds who are wiser than some 50 year olds!!! lol so just ignore those who play that card, they'll grow up someday .. maybe! ;)
Best!
A.S.is
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| Rekindle Old Flames?
Posted: 6/29/2008 6:08:33 PM | TEE is dead on.
On the upside, if you want to keep them as an FWB, it tends to work out pretty nicely. | |
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| Rekindle Old Flames?
Posted: 6/29/2008 8:36:26 PM | | I think it depends on why the relationship ended in the first place. It would depend on whether you saw the person again and if that chemistry was still there. But it needs to be there on both parts for anything to be rekindled. | |
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| Rekindle Old Flames?
Posted: 6/29/2008 8:43:38 PM | as another post said, ex's are an ex for a reason. You think to go back because you remember the good things and want the good things back.
Never settle! There is a reason you didn't settle for it before. No Muligans. | |
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| Rekindle Old Flames?
Posted: 6/29/2008 8:47:09 PM | I think it depends on how long you've been apart, how long you were together, and why you broke up. If by "old flame" you are talking 2 years ago, then no. Nothing will have changed. And if you broke up due to cheating or plain old incompatibility, then I don't think that will work, either.
However, if it's a situation where the two people were together 20 years ago or longer, then yes. You could very well be different people than you were back then, and some of your hangups may not exist anymore. But with YOUR age, it couldn't possibly have been long enough ago for it to work out now. There just hasn't been enough time passed yet.
But as far as the question CAN it work, yes, it can under the right circumstances, and it happens all the time. | |
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| Rekindle Old Flames?
Posted: 6/29/2008 8:48:43 PM | I'd like to think it's possible in rare cases, like if the seperation was due to external problems like financial ones, and the problem no longer exists...
But then I think those LTRs that REALLY seem to work are only because both partners are severely needy and clingy too... | |
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| Rekindle Old Flames?
Posted: 6/29/2008 10:34:09 PM | OP, one of the reasons you may not understand the age thing is that it does make a difference. I was married to someone for two years twenty years ago. He was a great guy and whether we would have managed to make it last if we had met five years or more later is questionable because I do think with the intermittent contact we have had over the years, he grew out of some of the things that drove me nuts; the advent of the cell phone might have saved the relationship. The comment is not necessarily meant to be condescending, just what we have learned about ourselves since we were your age.
Like most generalized questions, this is one that cannot be answered without knowing the two people involved, the history, i.e. why they broke up, if one or both people have changed, how long they have been apart. If the duration of the separation is of any length, neither are the same person although one or both could still retain the characteristics and/or behavior that caused the relationship to tank in the first place.
If a couple gets together particularly when they are both young, they could bicker a lot because they haven't yet figured out that the vast majority of stuff is really unimportant, you are dancing around other issues. These same two people can come together more mature later and rediscover the good things about each other, have figured out what they were really fighting about, and either have no need for the bickering or with age, have acquired the tools to work through differences in personality or whatever.
Another couple might split because the woman is ready to start a family and the man not, but if they reacquaint later when both are then parents, that huge issue is moot and there might have been few others.
I fear that many couples are getting together and staying together just because they get along, and are happy. But do truly happy couples keep that flame going or do they accept that a flame is gone?
I am sure this was worded poorly but what you describe is what most people seek with some passion thrown in there as well. If what you are getting at is two people getting back together when they are compatible and enjoy each other's company but are not uber passionate, that may not be a bad thing because passion sometimes burns out. If you find slow heat with someone and are both committed to a relationship, you should ideally fall in love with each other over and over again. I never felt that insanity for my first husband but there was no lack of passion there. We were best friends and much more.
If a relationship is of a nature that there is no urge or need to enjoy sexual intimacy, it is a choice some might make, particularly if they have been in horrible and/or abusive relationships in the past. The key to what I quoted from you is that they are happy. It is a personal choice. | |
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| Rekindle Old Flames?
Posted: 6/29/2008 10:45:53 PM | Hi Aprilrain,
In most cases, IMO, if you think back to why you broke up or fell apart in the first place, that situation generally hasn't changed, barring extenuating or extreme circumstances. | |
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| Rekindle Old Flames?
Posted: 6/29/2008 11:25:29 PM | I believe it is possible to rekindle an old relationship. Not ALL relationships end bitterly. There could be numerous other reasons why a relationship didn't run it's full course.
I myself have been contacted by an ex recently who has just returned from living overseas. I'm not exactly sure what lies ahead, but we will have to wait and see.
I think that when people do get back together with an ex that it's similar to a new relationship starting, only you know the person better. It's the usual 3 months before the make or break stage.....when the 'honeymoon' is over. If the honeymoon continues then there is a good chance the relationship will survive. | |
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| Rekindle Old Flames?
Posted: 6/29/2008 11:45:11 PM |
I think it depends on why the relationship ended in the first place.
Exactly. | |
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| Rekindle Old Flames?
Posted: 6/30/2008 1:16:11 AM | People can get back with an ex and it can work. But i wouldnt. My exes are exes for a bloody good reason!! Although one or 2 of them are lovely guys.. I still couldnt see it happening..
I fear that many couples are getting together and staying together just because they get along, and are happy. But do truly happy couples keep that flame going or do they accept that a flame is gone?
i find your post so confusing, esp this part ive just quoted! | |
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| Rekindle Old Flames?
Posted: 6/30/2008 5:56:12 AM | Of course....
But it'll only "work" if one or the both of you change the bad habits and/or behaviors that caused the relationship to fail in the first place.
No changes = No chance for it to succeed this time around. | |
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| Rekindle Old Flames?
Posted: 6/30/2008 6:56:41 AM | Rekindle nope .. but one of my ex's mother just passed away and I want to touch base with him again . I always liked his mother and they were close.
But i don't want to do a remake of "The Temple Of Doom" with any of my ex's | |
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| Rekindle Old Flames?
Posted: 6/30/2008 7:09:47 AM | | I have recently met up with my first love who i met 18yrs ago and he has found it hard to see me as the person i have become now (17ys on) he still see's me as the person i was when we first met which is awkward so i would say if one of you cant get over the past then its best leaving it there! | |
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