| violent men/women in relationship advise
Posted: 6/30/2008 3:24:00 PM | hi
im 21 female i am in a violent relationship after he hits me or kicks me or hurts me in some way he apolgies and i forgive him .
and i trust him but lately hesame as ever i dont tink he will ever change.
but im afraid if i go 2 leave him he will hurt me | |
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| violent men/women in relationship advise
Posted: 6/30/2008 3:30:22 PM | Contact a women's shelter and make a plan. You are afraid that he will hurt you if you leave, what if he kills you if you stay? Men escalate, they do not change unless they get counseling which he is not going to do.
Get out now before you cannot. | |
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| violent men/women in relationship advise
Posted: 6/30/2008 3:57:46 PM | OP,
I was involved in the same thing a few years ago. I know it's hard, but you need to realize a few things....
1.) a real man would NEVER lay a hand on you. If he is doing this, then he is a loser and a coward. He doesn't love you. He loves to control you.
2.)It is NOT your fault he is this way. You cannot change him, no matter how much he may try to convince you otherwise. You cannot save him. Do you find that you have to be careful about what you say or do when you're around him? Do you feel like you are constantly walking on eggshells? Do you feel like you have to adjust your personality so you won't make him angry? Are you the one apologizing for all of the time he lays a hand on you? I would guess you are. And it isn't right.
3.) Despite all of the apologies, he WILL NEVER CHANGE. The abuse will continue until you are either dead or leave.
4.) You trust him--With what exactly? He's broken your trust already. Real relationships involve respect and tenderness, not violence.
5.) Despite how he may make you feel, you do deserve better. And you can do better.
My advice.....LEAVE. As soon as you can. You need to get as far away from this nutjob as possible. Get a PFA/restraining order. Stay with friends and/or family who will help you out. TELL everyone--all of your friends, family, whoever will listen--what he is doing to you. I guarantee they will step in and help you in any way possible. Contact a women's shelter and get the help you need.
And most of all, Be strong. You are not alone in this. There are people out there who care. and for your own safety...STOP giving this guy second,third, fourth, and ten chances. Because he doesn't deserve any.
Good luck!
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~Kyn~
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Joined: 2/15/2008
Msg: 4 | |
| violent men/women in relationship advise
Posted: 6/30/2008 3:59:34 PM | but im afraid if i go 2 leave him he will hurt me
If you stay...he's gonna hurt you more. And you'll be very lucky if he doesnt end up killing you. You should be MORE afraid of that.
Leave.
OH and dont wait around for another man to come along to get you out of this situation.
While you're so vulnerable...you'll simply attract another guy the same. | |
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| violent men/women in relationship advise
Posted: 6/30/2008 4:07:20 PM | If this is the case, then do what the others have said and get out.
'Cause honey.... if he trips across your profile with all the provocative pics you have and zero roses left.... it's sure as hell not going to get any better.
Pack a bag and walk away... womens shelters are there to help if this is indeed the situation you are dealing with. Many of us have done the same with only the clothes on our backs.... and we weren't trolling for someone to play with online while being abused. I have a lot of compassion for anyone (man or woman) in an abusive relationship, but something about this just doesn't seem quite on the up and up.
Good luck to you OP.... you do have the strength and the smarts to get away.
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| violent men/women in relationship advise
Posted: 6/30/2008 4:10:56 PM | OP,
Based on your posting history, the abuse has escalated in less than one month. In your previous post (I think 6/3) you indicated that he had not yet hit you. Now he has. You need to seek outside help. If you're afraid of leaving because he will hurt you, imagine if you stay. Call an abuse hotline, go to a women's shelter, get a restraining order. The more you allow him to treat you this way, the worse the treatments will become. | |
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| violent men/women in relationship advise
Posted: 6/30/2008 4:14:25 PM | WHY would anyone trust anyone else that hurts them mentally, emotionally or physically. It makes NO sense. If it was a complete stranger, you wouldn't accept his/her apology -- you'd have them sent to jail.
Don't forgive him anymore. Just get out of the situation. Yes.. its hard... I realize that.. but you're trying to live in this world the best way YOU know how for YOU. Not to just live in the world to please someone else.
And as always, perfect advice from Kyn. | |
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| violent men/women in relationship advise
Posted: 6/30/2008 4:19:12 PM | I used to do research on violent anger.
Over 97% of all violent crime is aggrevated... i.e. someone who isn't normally violent loses their temper and can no longer control their actions. Even my own father had this condition. Please remember that being this way is not his fault.
Uncontrollable anger is almost 100% genetic. It stems from a medical condition that prevent the proper processing of oxygen in the brain. They even know the exact genome pairs that cause the condition.
When he is calm, ask him to get checked out by a professional. If he really loves you he'll do it to keep you. There are drugs and methods (like the Sedona method - google it) that can be used to help keep his anger in check.
Best of luck to both of you... | |
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| violent men/women in relationship advise
Posted: 6/30/2008 6:55:31 PM | He's going to continue to beat the crap out of you on a regular basis whether you leave or not. He will never change without massive amounts of therapy. Are you willing to be his personal punching bag until that happens? Where is your family? Do they know? If you have any male friends, brothers or Uncles that care about you, tell them to 'talk' to him. He needs to hear you are done with him from someone his own size. If he knows you have people on your side that will defend you he'll back off. Get a restraining order. Move home, move in with another girl, get out of there before the man kills you.
Real men do not hit women or children. You are not dating a man you are dating a big cowardly, violent loser. | |
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| violent men/women in relationship advise
Posted: 6/30/2008 7:02:52 PM | You posted about a month ago and you were offered private coaching from another member. Did you take her up on that?
You are afraid to get killed but you have a profile on this site with a few suggestive photos? If he finds out, do you think he'd be happy?
I have a hard time taking your plight seriously. An abused woman would never get her face plastered on a dating site. | |
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| violent men/women in relationship advise
Posted: 6/30/2008 7:15:24 PM | Do you know that women who have self esteem issues normally end up with abusive men men? The fact that you are with an abusive man and you profile is screaming for attention of a sexual nature, tells me that you have low self esteem.
You should leave him. Now. Then get some therapy do some work on yourself, you need some help as well. Sorry to be so blunt, but I don't think the problem is just him. | |
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| violent men/women in relationship advise
Posted: 6/30/2008 7:22:05 PM | ..I agree, Nordic33708. Sounds bogus to me.
The posts and the profile are riddled with errors and inconsistencies. After 20 years of working with undergraduate and graduate students, I cannot fathom someone like this possessing a graduate degree. | |
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| violent men/women in relationship advise
Posted: 6/30/2008 7:34:05 PM | ^^^^Yep.
~OP~ Maybe he's seen your profile here? You might wish to rethink the suggestive nature of your pics and status. "Single" usually means, "I'm not with a man who beats me."
(Sometimes I feel dumber leaving a thread than when I clicked in. Dear me.)  | |
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| violent men/women in relationship advise
Posted: 6/30/2008 7:59:53 PM | | 21 years old you have a Masters degree in Nursing, your profile is full of spelling errors, suggestive pictures and you like Miley Cyrus? Something is not right here. | |
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| violent men/women in relationship advise
Posted: 6/30/2008 8:25:38 PM |
21 years old you have a Masters degree in Nursing, your profile is full of spelling errors, suggestive pictures and you like Miley Cyrus? Something is not right here. Seems like a troll thread. I thought about the same things after reading the profile.
OP, please do a search for related threads. If this situation is for real, doesn't it seem totally absurd to you that you continue to stay in the relation knowing fully well that you will be getting beat up. The only time it will stop is when either you move out or when you are dead. What do you prefer? A 21-year old can surely make a clear distinction between the two. I hope you do for your own good.
Just my 98 cents  | |
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| violent men/women in relationship advise
Posted: 6/30/2008 8:32:49 PM |
21 years old you have a Masters degree in Nursing, your profile is full of spelling errors, suggestive pictures and you like Miley Cyrus? Something is not right here.
She put down Graduate Degree... maybe she did that because she graduated from high school and was confused at what to select? That would make some sense.
Also educational levels in the United States do not equate with other countries. For example my friend from Pakistan has a wife with a four year graduate degree from a university in Pakistan. In her country she is considered a senior level physician. But here in the states, they do not recognize her education on the same level and she could not practice as a doctor without considerable additional schooling. | |
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| violent men/women in relationship advise
Posted: 6/30/2008 9:38:58 PM | | Contact a women's shelter and get help immediately. Do not see him anymore. Do not forgive him. You are encouraging disgusting behavior and you probably need psychological help as well. | |
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| violent men/women in relationship advise
Posted: 6/30/2008 9:55:12 PM | First, hitting someone is not love. Stop thinking that it is.
Second, when someone hits you once the chances of him doing it again is very high. Saying sorry doesn't matter. He WILL hit you again. The good news is that you seem to know this.
Third, get the hell away from him. Call the police. Whatever it takes. LEAVE. Being afraid for a little bit in your life and living with the constant fear of wondering when the next attack is coming is not comparable. | |
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| violent men/women in relationship advise
Posted: 6/30/2008 10:00:56 PM | I have been in your shoes. 2 years ago I left a man exactly like yours. I had him charged and convicted of uttering death threats and domestic assault. Leaving him was the BEST decision I ever made. My life is wonderful and positive now.
The man you are with is a woman hating abuser. He's a control freak and will NEVER change. You need to leave me this man and NOW! Go to your nearest police station for assistance. He deserves to be charged and convicted of domestic assault. DO NOT let this man control and manipulate you any further than he has already done.
Contact the Superior Court of Justice in Toronto and obtain a restraining order against him.
You staying with him and forgiving him is what he wants. You are condoning his negative behaviour.
I hope you dump his ass and hold him accountable. | |
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shimbo
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Joined: 6/15/2008
Msg: 21 | |
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shimbo
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Joined: 6/15/2008
Msg: 24 | |
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