| The Ex & A Drinking Problem...
Posted: 6/30/2008 4:12:54 PM | I'm officially pulling my hair out over a weekend family & extended family party..
My ex husband, who was raised by an alcoholic father, and is an alcoholic himself, decided that since my soon to be 16 year old son will be driving this year it was okay for him to start drinking!!!
He drops my son off at the party with a 6-pack. I got the beer away from my son, who was already well past tipsy, get them in the house and put him in his room. Trying to have a conversation with him at that point seemed moot since I was afraid he wouldn't remember enough of it later on(and besides that, I was entirely too upset to have a conversation with him without losing my temper).
I turned my ex into the police that same evening. They're "investigating", what a joke..
I'm to the point today, after a lot of long hard thinking, that there isn't any helping my ex husband change his way of thinking. He started drinking before his 12th birthday, so to him, that's normal.
I thought I'd had enough conversations with my oldest son about drugs and alcohol that he'd have enough sense to resist peer pressure. But I never thought to talk to him about pressure from his own father. So, now that I've had a talk with my son about consuming alcohol in general, how do I approach the subject of not doing what Dad says is okay to do without causing problems between he and I? My son had just gotten back into a relationship with his father a few months before this, and I do not want to give him any reason to think that I'm bashing his Dad for fear of my son pulling away and distrusting me. I know there has to be a way to get my point across that just because his Dad says it's fine, that it isn't. He's terrified that if he says no, Dad will back off and end the relationship again. Personally, I think that's not such a bad idea in this particular case.
Any ideas on what to say to my son that may help him through this? Anyone think there's anything I can say to my ex husband to make him realize what he's doing is wrong??? I have to be absolutely sure that what I say doesn't make the situation worse than it already is, but still maintain a level of trust with my son.
If you have an idea, but don't want to post it in the forums, by all means, PLEASE, email me. I'll take all the ideas I can get right now.
Dee | |
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| The Ex & A Drinking Problem...
Posted: 6/30/2008 4:40:13 PM | You should have had enough conversations with your son that were honest that he would not have been blind-sided by this.
I started talking to my daughter when she was around 8 because there are alcoholics littering both sides of her family tree. We talked about the stupid things I did when I was young and drank, often way too much, and about other family members and problems they have had.
You can be honest about your X without bashing him, and you should talk about other family members from the stanpoint of this has been a problem for two aunts, three cousins, etc., or more specific circumstances of the family is very tight-knit. The truth is something that your son needs to hear because he may be genetically predisposed to substance abuse issues.
If you have been open and honest with your son about other things and he knows you do not like to get your way, whether he lets you know he is listening or not, if you tell him that he is going to have to be the adult where alcohol is concerned with his dad, to not drink because there is no benefit to it from a health or emotional perspective. If his father pressures him to drink, have a few sips, dump the rest when dad is not looking. That gives him an opportunity to deal with the situation without alienating and possibly harming his newfound relationship with his father without doing stupid crap like drinking and driving. | |
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~Kyn~
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Joined: 2/15/2008
Msg: 3 | |
| The Ex & A Drinking Problem...
Posted: 7/1/2008 12:56:02 AM | I turned my ex into the police that same evening. They're "investigating", what a joke..
What exactly did you think they were gonna do?
Arrest him?... for what exactly? cos you said so?
...maybe supplying a minor with alcohol? prove it.
Cops highly likely had a giggle over it after you got off the phone/left the station.
Said to themselves...another over-reacting mother that wants to waste our time...just be polite, act professional and she'll rant and leave. They've got better things to do
Umm...yeah...hate to say this...but your ex has got absolutely nothing to do with this which may not make any sense to you whatsoever...but he doesnt.
Anyone think there's anything I can say to my ex husband to make him realize what he's doing is wrong???
If he's an alcoholic...he will NEVER think its wrong to pass liquor to his son. Dont bother butting your head against the wall with him.
You need to deal with the real problem...see below...
He drops my son off at the party with a 6-pack. I got the beer away from my son, who was already well past tipsy, get them in the house and put him in his room.
So your ex dropped him off with the beer...and your son decided himself to drink it.
Unless your ex stayed and dared the child into drinking it...or maybe put a funnel in the kids mouth?
Cos the boy wasnt working under the assumption he was gonna impress dear ol' Dad... Dear ol' Dad wasnt even there.
He drank it because he WANTED to.
How would you react if your child was drinking and getting liquor from anywhere else?
THATS what you should be dealing with.
I know there has to be a way to get my point across that just because his Dad says it's fine, that it isn't. He's terrified that if he says no, Dad will back off and end the relationship again.
Take Dad outta the equation completely...tell your son...that if Dad offers him any...he should either say no thanks...or take it and not drink it (to appease father)...and then bring it home to you. That regardless of what his father "gives" him...the punishment will be dictated as if he was getting the alcohol from anywhere else.
Including groundings and not being able to attend these parties where he chooses to consume.
If he's got a car...tell him priveledges will be revoked accordingly.
Circumvent dad completely cos if you dont and he wants his fathers approval...they'll band together...and circumvent YOU. | |
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| The Ex & A Drinking Problem...
Posted: 7/1/2008 6:27:20 AM | It's easy to sit here and offer suggestions but as with many discussions like this it will depend on whether your son is receptive or is even aware of the ramifications of an alcoholic parent.
Everyone goes through this stage (almost everyone) and to a degree it's a rite of passage(?) But, if he's aware of the far reaching impact on his life from his dad and his subsequent impact on your life maybe it will help.
There's a good book titled "Adult Children of Alcoholic Parents" (duh) by Janet Woititz that might be easy for him to identify with if he has any interest at all. It not only explains why the alcoholic does what they do but identifies the feelings or actions an ACOA will typically demonstrate. Also, it's a very quick and easy read for anyone.
http://books.google.com/books?id=6FsD0KjvilUC&dq=Adult+children+of+alcoholics&pg=PP1&ots=lVwu-6LMzT&sig=NzgHIKF5raa-uurneO5EghFdOmQ&hl=en&sa=X&oi=book_result&resnum=1&ct=result
Alcohol is so interwoven in the fabric of life that there are many like your ex who thinks it's not only acceptable, but expected.
Please keep us posted, I'm interested to see where this goes.
SD,
ACOA | |
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| The Ex & A Drinking Problem...
Posted: 7/1/2008 7:27:43 AM | SD, thank you for the book suggestion. Best advice I've seen so far. Give my son something he can use as a tool to help himself as much as possible.
Thanks!
Dee | |
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| The Ex & A Drinking Problem...
Posted: 7/1/2008 9:04:00 AM | Alcoholism in the family is very difficult to deal with....at any age! I still stuggle with the alcohol problems with my ex!
My daughter (15) had a bunch of friends over one night. They were in my basement, so I figured they were just hanging out like normal. One of her friends (boy) had managed to sneak in some booze....and drank until he got sick all over the place! He then passed out cold! She came upstairs to get stuff to clean up the mess, tried to avoid me....but I ended up going downstairs anyway to check out what was going on.
Long story short..... this boy had a habit of getting hammered! His father and his brother came to pick him up (literally, carried him out of the house) to take him home. His father told me that this was "normal" behaviour for his son & doesn't know what to do about it. He was very worried! This was discussed in front of my daughter (and her friends)... why hide our concerns? Since it happened in MY house, I was also worried about what could happen to me if the law got involved!
My ex is a HUGE alcoholic! He's had family members die at the ripe old age of 41 due to alcohol. This gave me (another) opportunity to talk about alcoholism to my kids.
My daughter realized then ( after seeing how her friend had passed out cold, could not wake up) that her father does the exact same thing....passes out, cannot wake up as well! She always thought that her dad just "fell asleep" in his lazy boy chair.... he's tired! After seeing exactly what happens when you drink WAYYYY to much.... SHE put two & two together!
Without the need for bashing her dad.... we talked about responsibility, the outcome of the effects of alcohol. We talked about how alcoholics need for the booze, can outshine the needs of anything else! She asked me if her dad's drinking was the reason for our breakup..... YES! Why not take advantage of this situation... she SAW what happens when you drink too much! She did not understand why her fathers drinking was a problem before this incident!
Since she was the one who had to clean up the mess (yuck), I'm sure the "vision of the fun" will not go away to quickly :) Luckily, the police did not come to my home (whew). My daughter got a "hands on" education about the effects of alcohol!
Most of us learn by seeing things....especially at a young age. I've bought a few books on alcoholism for my kids to read. Whether or not they actually do look at those books.... who know? They are a bit older now, so they now know just what kind of things I went through when I was with their dad (even though he continues to drink when the kids were around him). They know the legal aspects, how it messes up relationships, how it affects a family & now they know that their dad is not "sleeping because he's tired"!
A lesson was learned.... but who's to say that they won't drink later on? It's too easy to access alcohol! That book that was suggested sounds like a good one...I'll have to pick that up soon. Get LOTS of books on the topic....leave them all over the place! The kids DO look at them (I've caught them reading them). Hopefully, they will not become alcoholics themselves :)
Only YOU can help your son. Your ex has a warped view on alcohol since he himself IS an alcoholic! Get the books... if necessary, take him to a councelor for additional help. The kids are more apt to listen to someone else, other than you anyway (you're only the parent...what do you know?).
Best of luck to all of us who have to deal with alcoholics :) | |
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| The Ex & A Drinking Problem...
Posted: 7/1/2008 12:21:01 PM | My stepson is 18 and has one thru this scenario. My lad is nearly 4 and hates drunk people cos of his Dad.
In my view you need to point out the healthy families around you (with non alco dads, choose standard married couples for this exercise), and compare them to the dysfunctional one the 16 year old Dad created. no slating his dad but just the 16 the question - which environment would he prefer his OWN child to grow up in?
Once you've asked the question leave it be a few days. then IF your son brings up the topic ask a few more leading questions about where he wants his OWN life to wind up?
Unless he's a complete muppet he'll see that you want MORE for him and his children than his Dad had. Hell, he'll want more for himself. Once he's taken that choice to break the cycle there will be no holding him back simply because at that age they have so much energy! It's about treating him as an "adult" not as a kid.
I had a loooong conversation with my stepson around this topic a while back, and 3 years on he has turned himself around all by himself. I used the GROW coaching model to help me guide the conversation, there are lots of coaching models out there - pick one that suits your personal style.
He knows his little 1/2 brother is proud of him, and more to the point he's proud of himself and where he's now heading life. Key is helping him make the positive choice for himself, and giving him the personal space to feel it his his personal choice. | |
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| The Ex & A Drinking Problem...
Posted: 7/2/2008 2:56:30 AM | OP, personal knowledge about his situation and the behavior of other family members is an important tool to give your son as well.
I have hated it that my kids have seen their relatives drinking but between that and what they know their dad can be like when he is drinking, they really have no desire to experiment. Depending on the kid, he may read the book or he might get more benefit from a mother that treats him like an adult who is able to process the truth and draw his own conclusions from it.
If he doesn't know who his dad is, how can he possibly be expected to protect himself?
Kyn's advice was very good as well, you have to remove dad from the equation because you will not change his behavior. The only thing you might consider in addition to her suggestions are rules for drinking and driving. I read in a book years ago a suggestion that seemed like it would be hard for a parent but the only effective way to ensure that your children don't drive drunk, and that nothing happens during their teen years.
They call and even if they have lied about where they are going, etc., they do not get into trouble. My parents told me to call, numerous times I or one of my friends who had been drinking drove because we didn't think anything would happen and we didn't want to get into trouble. I am soooo grateful we didn't hurt someone. You can always not let them go the next time you are unsure of the destination but to risk their's and others' lives to maintain rules seems counter-productive to the good end everyone desires. | |
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| The Ex & A Drinking Problem...
Posted: 7/2/2008 3:57:31 AM | OP-
Welder was a closet alcoholic when we met. When I figured it out I was to the point of not even giving him a chance to try and sober up b/c I grew up with 2 alcoholic fathers (my step dad has been sober for 16 years!!!)
Anyho...I told him to look at my step-dad's success story and my uncle's failing life. They are brothers. Both have battled alcoholism for darn near 35 years+. My dad sobered up, went back and got his GED, started his own company, etc. My uncle drinks day in and day out, his kids hate him, his wife left him, he has no permanent address, and just recently he was drunk driving, hit someone (luckily they were not seriously injured) and broke his neck, both legs, arm, collar bone, and multiple other bones. So...I told Welder to take his pick. Which life did he want to have? Because every beer is only leading towards my uncle's life.
Luckily, it made sense to him and something clicked and he just quit drinking. Didn't touch a drop for about 8 months. Now he gets a 12-pack and it lasts a week. Used to be, he woulud drink a 24-pack every night. So, if you can find a recovering alchie that your son knows and a terrible drunk and show him the comparisons, maybe he'll make the right choice.
~Welder's Girl~ | |
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| The Ex & A Drinking Problem...
Posted: 7/2/2008 3:58:59 PM | hiya justasweetone, what can i say ,your son is a child, your ex is an "adult" he needs to start being a father & a dad, this is going to have a huge effecton your lives,you need to put a stop to the situation. Sorry for being frank, but i know what you're going through, I lost my wife in february , she was a fantastic mother for years to our for children,we didn't know why she drank,it started little and got more & more,we were powerless to help, then she stopped six months befor she died,had a siezure, went into hospital, caught an infection,and couldn't fight it off, because her liver was shot to pieces, so i know how you feel,i'm worried because the consultants asked me ,"have you give any thought about you're children in the future, my wife was 41 thats no age to die, also she didn't start to drink until she was about 20, see what it can do to a young healthy person, if it will help them both, show them this message please,& then my wife wouldn't have died in vien, thanks for "listening" geoff.  | |
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