| great relationship but .. missing something...u been there?
Posted: 6/30/2008 9:03:42 PM | I've been with my boyfriend for one year and everything is going well. We are both in late 20's and I know that in the next year he will probably want to get married.
I say that everything is going well because we get along great, spend a lot of time together and I feel he is my best friend. I feel very comfortable.
However, there is a problem on my side. There is a part of me that doesn't have strong feelings for him. Sometimes I wonder if I'm making a mistake and that I should tell him. But when I think of talking to him I freeze inside and can't do it.
He is very kind and good to me and I don't want to hurt him. I love him for being so kind to me but the passion or strong attraction (or something)- just isn't very strong. I just can't get that deep feeling that I had for past boyfriends. I thought I was doing it right when I first met him since I was looking at all his good qualities but now I'm afraid I've made a mistake because good qualities don't replace attraction/passion.
I need your advice:
ever have this situation and what did you do?
How do I or should I tell him? | |
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| great relationship but .. missing something...u been there?
Posted: 6/30/2008 9:38:40 PM | | You need to tell him, its already to late. At least communicate with him about it maybe its something you guys can work on, you wont know till you talk.. I was in a 3 year relationship and the girl started to realize the same things you are atm. She never told me till she just broke down and it was to late to have a nice ending. But i knew something was up. Your gut feeling is right most of the time. Goodluck | |
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| great relationship but .. missing something...u been there?
Posted: 7/3/2008 8:25:17 AM | | I stayed with someone I wasn't attracted to for 6 years, then we broke up. I became very attached and now miss them horribly. I would advise you don't keep drawing it out. Your feelings won't change and the longer you stay with him the worse it will be when you finally break up. | |
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| great relationship but .. missing something...u been there?
Posted: 7/3/2008 1:04:42 PM | well you can also try and do things with him , maybe get out more or do some couples things . that might allow for the 2 of you to become more interested in each other .
but if you do try to become more into him and it still isn't there i'm not sure what to suggest . | |
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| great relationship but .. missing something...u been there?
Posted: 7/3/2008 3:00:12 PM | | Absolutely been there. I could have written the two paragraphs of your post. Were together for 6-7 years total with a one year break up in there during which we slowly got back together. To this day I feel guilty for dragging it out and worrying more about my needs than his. If he feels all the things he should for you and you don't for him, let him go. In the end it will end anyway beacause no matter how kind he is and how much you love him for being him, if something is missing after a year, you won't find it. I knew right around the year mark that I felt that way, but let it continue, hoping my feelings would change and blaming it on every other thing when they didn't. I wondered what was wrong with me for NOT loving somebody that good, the way I should. | |
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| great relationship but .. missing something...u been there?
Posted: 7/3/2008 3:22:40 PM | Since you have been online for some time...I sense that your "looking" and wondering if that bad guy out there can make it a little more interesting then the guy that loves you and thinks life is all rainbows and crackers jacks..
Your looking for a Cracker Jack alright..someone who will keep you on your toes...
If this is what your REALLY looking for...tell him your feelings for him is somewhat on a relative side.. | |
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| great relationship but .. missing something...u been there?
Posted: 7/3/2008 4:05:44 PM | I feel very comfortable.
That is your problem right there.
This is a generalization but it seems to fit your situation. Most men look for comfort and most women look for excitement. A guy is aiming to get comfortable and "settle down" while the woman wants some of those things but still wants to be kept on her toes, still be chased and still be the center of attention in regards to being made to feel special.
I am not saying these are bad things in most cases but it is a stark opposite approach and stark opposite goals and objectives. It sounds like his objective is met and yours is gone and as such your attraction is gone.
Now I could be over analyzing things and you never had attraction for him from the start but I am assuming you once had that attraction and lost it. If you had attraction and lost it, then it is salvageable but if you never had it and the "chickens have come to roost" then you have a totally different situation happening. | |
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| great relationship but .. missing something...u been there?
Posted: 7/3/2008 4:07:46 PM | My first LT boyfriend I felt this exact way about. Well didnt to be more precise.
He was a wonderful, kind young man...he kinda edged me into the relationship just by consistently pursuing me...then life threw curveballs at us both and we ended up living together.
Lasted 3 years.
I was only young when we met 18 so in the ignorance of my youth...I just went with the flow of the circumstances and didnt much think about things for a looooong time.
One day I realised...I just didnt love the guy.
There was nothing to not love about him, but I just didnt feel anything at all for him and I couldnt help that.
I left. | |
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| great relationship but .. missing something...u been there?
Posted: 7/3/2008 4:57:34 PM | All of my LTR have been like that. I've opted for comfort and security over passion. None of those relationships lasted and none of them made me happy.
This time I'll wait for both...til then...I'm going to make up for what I missed all those years! | |
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| great relationship but .. missing something...u been there?
Posted: 7/3/2008 8:04:13 PM | | The problem is that you are comfortable in your relationship. People should never get comfortable in a relationship, because it will ultimately end badly. You start drumming down a routine and the next thing you know it's become boring to be together. If you want to keep things up with him, you need to take the initiative and spark things up a bit. Break out of the routines and try new things. Passion should always outweigh comfort in a relationship, but that's just my opinion. | |
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| great relationship but .. missing something...u been there?
Posted: 7/3/2008 8:57:57 PM | op: you probably shouldn't contemplate marrying feeling the way you feel.
the reality is most people end up feeling exactly the way you're feeling now - some years into the marriage, that is. it's not a good sign if you feel that way prior to a marriage. on the other hand, people who have a strong attraction prior to the marriage, often times, some years down the road, find themselves feeling exactly as you feel now. that's the norm actually. it's something you need to decide for yourself whether or not you can live with that. you also need to take the other person's rights, feelings, etcetera into consideration too many people get caught up in the notion of perpetual romantic fantasy. that's rarely the reality in a marriage over time. if you can't handle that, you should never marry (whether this man or some other man). you need to decide whether you can truly make a lifelong commitment knowing romance will eventually wear off (or in your case was never there). marriage is a legal and financial commitment. it is also a lifelong psychologicaql commitment. can you handle that?
if you decide to call it off, you need to do so with tact but also with no ambiguity. he'll be in a state of shock, but it's something he needs to know. it's his life too and he has the right to know. actually, he also has the right to know what you're feeling now (even if you decide to go ahead with the marriage). it's his right to know because he needs to make his decision on whether or not to go ahead with the marriage knowing how you feel. you have no right to withhold that info from him - he's about to make a very serious commitment that will affect him for the rest of his life. he has the right to make such a monumental decision based on FACTS. :)
best wishes | |
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| great relationship but .. missing something...u been there?
Posted: 7/3/2008 9:10:10 PM | It sounds to me like you have a fully grown up relationship. Awesome!!!
What to do now?
Now you can create the relationship that you want. Create that passion. It is all in your head, and you can do it. You currently have a step up on all of the passion extremists out there, because they have no control over what happens to them, you do. | |
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| great relationship but .. missing something...u been there?
Posted: 7/3/2008 10:28:49 PM | I'm wondering if you have had the experience of a man with you but not really into you? You didn't deserve that either. How did it feel to be on the recieving end? It's not any better to be the one on the giving end of hurting a kind and good person who loves you.
I want you to sit down with yourself and think about this before you talk to him. Before you go laying a hurt on someone who has never and could never hurt you. That, just like you, or you once were, deserves to be treated with kindness and respect. Are you going to make the man who did that to you, right or wrong about you?
You deserve to be treated with THIS MUCH and more kindness and respect.
I'm sorry for whoever taught you this. Hurt people hurt people.
He isn't responsible for your own sexuality. Like my Daddy used to say, own your sexuality or someone else will. You really do not want one of those kinds of men. This one cares for you as a human being. Learn to love yourself even when others haven't been very nice to you. Yeah, it's weird to get off on someone who really loves you. It might take some practice if you're used to being treated like garbage. | |
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| great relationship but .. missing something...u been there?
Posted: 7/3/2008 11:17:45 PM | I just broke up with someone for the same reason. I care about him deeply, I would say I love him, but it's as a friend. I just felt I wasn't being fair to him to only be half into the relationship. I hated to hurt him though.
You need to examine what's going on with YOU first, is there anything that maybe makes you avoid being in a relationship that is good for you for example. I'm not saying you have issues, I don't know you, but it's a good place to start. I only say this because it would be horrible to break up with him and realize you made a mistake.
If it really is just not a match in what you're feeling, then you owe it to both of you to end it. It's not easy when you care about someone, but you both deserve to feel precious in a relationship. | |
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| great relationship but .. missing something...u been there?
Posted: 7/3/2008 11:38:15 PM | Yes......been there. Just broke up after 5 years with someone I liked a whole lot (to whom I was even engaged for 2 1/2 yrs) who was sweet, kind and very good to me. BUT< that is not enough to make a spark. There was some passion but I never felt "in love" and excited about him the way he did about me. It was not stimulating for me and I did not feel the passion of wanting to be with him, just as you don't.
I thought my feelings would change. They did NOT, and I doubt yours will. This is a good man, however,this is not enough to make either of you happy. My feelings didn't change except that I became resentful because I KNEW I was fooling myself and playing it safe since I was not in love. He also could feel I was not as into him as I should have been to be engaged. It hurt and was hard to break up because it was "SO COMFORTABLE", but I know I am happier knowing I was true to my feelings FINALLY!
Best of luck with this. Be strong and remember: When one door closes another one opens.
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| great relationship but .. missing something...u been there?
Posted: 7/4/2008 3:42:52 PM |
I thought I was doing it right when I first met him since I was looking at all his good qualities but now I'm afraid I've made a mistake because good qualities don't replace attraction/passion.
Hurry up and hurt him, OP. You're doing him no favors by waiting. But we all know his this story ends -- girl leaves good guy for the call of the wild, ends up hurt, and it takes the good guy years to recover (if ever). Sigh. Ain't love grande? | |
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| great relationship but .. missing something...u been there?
Posted: 7/15/2008 1:23:40 AM | Well I met a lovely fella on here. We had both been hurt in past relationships. I knew that he wasn't completely over his ex, but we both said we were happy enough just seeing how things went.
Well, last night he told me that he didn't feel the way that he felt he should about me...and that i deserve someone who will give me more of themselves....bottom line, he felt that he wasn't being fair to me coz at the end of the day he isn't ready for a relationship. Ok, i feel hurt, i did start to feelings for this lovely fella, glad he has told me now.
Truth is, you can't make someone feel something if it isn't there. If you don't have those feelings hun after all this time..........You already know what you have to do deep down in your heart.
All the best hunni xxxxxxxxx | |
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| great relationship but .. missing something...u been there?
Posted: 7/15/2008 9:31:20 AM | So you've got a good, reliable, honest, and dependable guy, and you're bored. After you break up with him, are you going to date the exciting, arrogant guy who keeps you guessing? When that guy makes you miserable are you going to complain then that there aren't any good, reliable, honest men around? You had one, you just chose not to do the work and make a relationship out of it.
News flash, healthy relationships take work. It's not a story book or a soap opera. Real people have to talk about what they need from their partner, not just expect it to be there. | |
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| great relationship but .. missing something...u been there?
Posted: 7/15/2008 1:47:08 PM | Two options - exit as gracefully as possible, or, try to find ways to ramp up the passion. Does either of you have any passion in the relationship to build on? Can it be induced by changing your behavior? Perhaps you're just in a rut and need to do things to add excitement. Adrenaline-rush activities can help with this.
If, after trying to improve things nothing changes, you still should exit as gracefully as possible, as you will probably regret the lack of passion later in life, and nothing good can come of that. Good luck. | |
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N*Love
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Joined: 2/22/2008
Msg: 24 | |
| great relationship but .. missing something...u been there?
Posted: 7/15/2008 3:43:29 PM | HUH?
Seems like you were describing me..
I know exactly what you mean by "something is missing"... even though all seems to be there...
The time spent together is awesome, and he makes you happy .. but when you look at him (as if his face doesn't belong there)... It is hard... and the longer it goes the harder it becomes due to contstant awareness that He is not the one...
I can't help... ...
I often think ... Is this what reall love is? Looking beyond sexuall attraction(not there) and loving someone "just" cause he possess all other qualities and treat you like a princess?.... and litterally making you feel so ALIVE AND HAPPY...
The hard part is... You find the LOOK and then you can't find the personality .... and these tend to make you feel worthless...
Damn this.
I known its all about happy medium... but seriously... why can't it just be cut and paste...  | |
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| great relationship but .. missing something...u been there?
Posted: 7/15/2008 4:03:06 PM | Sounds like your guy has the, "nice guys finish last syndrome" and "not enough muscles syndrome" I agree with what My2cntsin stated.
Maybe you guys should just be friends. Break up for while and then be friends after some time has passed.
Maybe after you go out with the hotties and come back saying "all men are pigs" you guys can get back together again. | |
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