| True friends and very attracted to each other, but he "can't get serious," what to do?
Posted: 7/1/2008 9:14:43 AM | I met this guy almost three months ago and I really like him a lot, and am extremely attracted to him. The first 7-8 weeks we were sexual with each other, making out very out and heavy, but no actual intercourse. I had been kind of hesitant about the relationship because while he seemed to like me a lot (offering to help me with things, calling me every day or two, complimenting me all the time, wanting to meet my friends, wanting to see where I work, etc.) he rarely made plans with me more than a day or two in advance and sometimes let a whole two weeks go by without expressing an interest in seeing me. He's also been very stressed out about his finances. He has been doing contract work for the last several years and it's drying up-- his income has dropped by about two-thirds in the past few months. So he's been worried about money, and now he is earnestly trying to get a new job. So I'd been trying to be patient because I know his job situation is his number one priority right now. But a few weeks ago I just couldn't take it anymore because I felt like I was pretty much his last priority and I told him we should just be friends. He sort of agreed. But when I told him I'd been confused because he seemed to like me a lot, he replied by saying "I DO like you a lot, and I think you're a very nice person, I enjoy your company very much, and I am very attracted to you, but I can't get serious about anything or anyone right now." He said that the sexual activity was not the most important thing to him, and that he definitely wanted to continue our friendship. He walked me out to my car and hugged and kissed me good night, and told me to call him.
I called him about 5-6 days later. He thanked me for calling (twice) and said he was very glad to hear from me. We saw each other a few times last week and just hung out and had a good time and had some really good serious conversations. He seems to really be my friend, and it really amazes me how we see eye to eye on so many things. He helped me pick out a new bike and talked about some trails he wanted to take me on, he helped me move, he did some minor repair work on my car, and he helped me negotiate the purchase of a new car. So I was sort of regretting ending the sexual part of our relationship because I am still intensely attracted to him, and seeing this proof of his genuine affection for me made me think I had over-reacted. (Two of my friends, one male and one female, told me that they thought I over-reacted as well.)
Then this past weekend I went out of town with a big group of people (about 70), including him. He and I had dinner together Friday night (just the two of us) and then afterwards he took me on a scenic drive and a short hike to see the sun set over the hills and river. Also, he loaned me $65 because I had left my ATM card at home (without any hesitation whatsoever, I had just asked for $20). He spent more one-on-one time with me than with anyone else on the trip. So I was feeling very good about our friendship, and asked if I could ride back with him. (I had ridden down with someone else. Not only did I want more time with this guy, but by riding back with him I'd get home about two hours earlier because he was skipping the Sun. dinner.) Well... we flirted a lot in the car and ended up making out very hot and heavy in the car like a couple of teenagers. Then last night he told me that he had had dinner plans on Sun. night with another girl which he had forgotten about and that she was mad at him but he smoothed it over. SO.... I am really upset. She may be a platonic friend, but my gut says it was a date. We never talked about being exclusive (esp. since our talk a few weeks ago) but he implied that he was. I am especially upset because he so rarely made plans like that with me. SO... thoughts??? Was I being a fool? What should I say to him, if anything? Should I go back to just a platonic friendship? I don't want to be a FWB. | |
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| True friends and very attracted to each other, but he can't get serious, what to do?
Posted: 7/1/2008 9:30:22 AM | Wow op it sounds to me like you are confusing the guy. You told him that you should just be friends so he took you for what you said. I also think that he was speding time with you and doing things with you cause he does really like you. As far as the other woman goes. He probably thinks that you and him are just freinds so he can do what he wishes.
My best advice to you is TALK to him tell him how you feel about him and tell him how you feel about him dating other women.
If you dont flat out tell him how you feel he is not going to know what your intensions are with the whole situation.
Like all the other forums state.......COMMUNICATION is key
Good luck to you and hopefully after you have the talk things will become better for you. | |
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| True friends and very attracted to each other, but he can't get serious, what to do?
Posted: 7/1/2008 10:04:16 AM | Thanks, I do realize I am doing some confusing things myself. The thing is, though, when we had our talk a few weeks ago, I told him that I was getting attached and that is why I didn't want to continue to be sexual with him because I didn't think he was getting attached (he didn't disagree) and couldn't keep my emotions separate. He said that he had a "wall" up.
I am really mixed up about the whole thing! He is the first guy I've been involved with in eight years-- I've had some dates here and there, but no more than 3 or 4 dates with the same guy until him. And I am a very different person than I was eight years ago. So I kind of think that is part of the problem. I'm not sure how to handle my feelings, how to communicate them, or even what they are!
I do believe that he genuinely likes me more than my past two serious boyfriends ever did, but I am still really, really afraid of getting hurt. | |
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| True friends and very attracted to each other, but he can't get serious, what to do?
Posted: 7/1/2008 10:27:43 AM | OP - You say he is not able to get serious - of course not, he has financial issues.... any man worth his salt is not going to entertaing a "serious" relationship when he is having employment and financial issues.... and be glad of that - you do not want someone living off you down the line, or your having to "foot the bill" all the time when you go out. It may not matter to you, but it does to him, and that is a good thing.
So you ended the sexual end of things, and now you don't see each other as often.... and even that talk was a few weeks ago, have you told him since then that you think you over-reacted? If he went out on a date with someone else, then he obviously wants to be with someone..... and he thinks you don't want to be with him.... you haven't told him otherwise, have you? Sooo.... he went looking elsewhere.... if you want him, tell him so.
And.... "I am still reall, really afraid of getting hurt"..... if you are afraid, then the hook is already in.... the potential to get hurt is already there - might as well go for it. He sounds like a really great guy - nothing ventured, nothing gained. | |
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| True friends and very attracted to each other, but he can't get serious, what to do?
Posted: 7/1/2008 10:32:36 AM | I don't see your words as over reaction.
Nor do i see it as so confused.
What i do see..is another person...keeping options open.
Seems he knows what it takes to keep you at a distance he wishes to maintain...
might be time to allow the distance to ebb and flow..naturally.
You can wish, will, and pray...the tide changes. But it does, all without all that.
In its own time.
Let the music play, the dance...in, out..continue.
If it is as right as it feels, it will play out well. Was meant to be...
If its not...and he dances with another...it still plays out well. Wasnt meant to be...
Just have to know when to flip your dance card... | |
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| True friends and very attracted to each other, but he can't get serious, what to do?
Posted: 7/1/2008 11:08:21 AM | Ofcourse your affraid of being hurt, who isnt?
Now first i have to say you need to figure out what it is you want from him. Dont be scared just figure it out and let him know. Like i said before communication is key but i dont think u will be able to do that really well until you figure out what You want from him. Can you not tell him your true feelings in fear of rejection?. If thats the case then get over it, rejection is a part of life and if you dont get over that fear then you just may let something good slip away. | |
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| True friends and very attracted to each other, but he can't get serious, what to do?
Posted: 7/1/2008 11:22:55 AM | | One possibility is that he may have a problem with how you dress, your weight (you say you have a few extra pounds), or something like that and does not want to be honest with you because it'll hurt your feelings. Guys like to show off their girlfriend, and even though he may be totally in to you, there might be something about you physically that's holding him back. | |
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| True friends and very attracted to each other, but he can't get serious, what to do?
Posted: 7/1/2008 11:36:11 AM | Desert Bulldog--
That's not it at all. He's always complimenting my appearance and my figure. He says I have a great body and should show it off more. He says a I have a great butt and breasts and that I am built like a brick house. (I am rather curvy, overweight but not sloppy or shapeless.) We already have a number of friends in common, and he has introduced me to a few of his friends.
Plus, he's overweight himself. He's got a good sized belly. | |
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| True friends and very attracted to each other, but he can't get serious, what to do?
Posted: 7/1/2008 5:46:57 PM |
So I kind of think that is part of the problem. I'm not sure how to handle my feelings, how to communicate them, or even what they are!
OP, please stop stringing this guy along. If you don't know what your feelings are, you have no right to get involved with him. Besides that, he said that he has a wall up, so if you don't respect him, at least respect yourself. You won't be getting love from a guy who can make out with you for hours but keep his emotions in a box. | |
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| True friends and very attracted to each other, but he can't get serious, what to do?
Posted: 7/1/2008 5:57:09 PM | It just absolutely blows my mind that people sleep together first, then try to figure out if they should date. Unreal. You are FWB. At your age you should use better discretion IMHO.
Of course he is dating others. You are not exclusive.
If I were him I'd just move on. YOu seem like a nice person but you seem to lack the maturity to do what you need to do. You dont sleep with someone first, then think if it was the right thing to do later. If you dont want to be FWB then dont act like one.
We're you a fool? Yes for sleeping with him? sure. I am really attracted to a lot of women but I have the self control not to sleep with them all. Good luck. | |
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| True friends and very attracted to each other, but he can't get serious, what to do?
Posted: 7/1/2008 6:10:00 PM | | Enjoy and stop trying to get a commitment....what do you want from the guy?..you sound like you are all over him and he knows it...calm down and keep your kewl...and don't get so involved...just be and enjoy what you feel for him and he for you and stop questioning it and being paranoid and all jealous...he is being a good friend but he has others and maybe he is also looking for someone to whom he can be committed...or not...who knows,maybe he doesn't even know...either that,or,hit him over the head with your club,grab him by the hair and drag him off to your lair and lock him in a cage and then force yourself on him and beat him until he says he loves you.....now,does that sound better?...should you go back to a platonic friendship?...how can u if you lust after him...ROFLM AO | |
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| True friends and very attracted to each other, but he can't get serious, what to do?
Posted: 7/1/2008 6:25:27 PM | i have a different take on this, but only you can determine "your" situation. my man is very slow to make commitments, due to his history. when we did become sexual, the agreement was sexual monogamy and not dating others. still, although it has been over 2 1/2 years, always there for each other in the really rough times, see each other 1-3 times per week: HE NEEDS HIS DOWNTIME. up until recently i had my teens to worry about, now the last one is moving out, so we will see where my own head is at. i figure i picked him for a reason--of course, aside from the physical attraction. we do balance each other, but i think i have more need for people time than he.
we had a six month period the first year we were together where we also decided to be "just friends" for a myriad of reasons, seemingly coming from him. in retrospect, i think i had a number of my own reasons--but my emotions did not allow for me to see them then. i think what we all say we want versus the work attached to what we want, are two very different things when it comes to relationships-- and especially at a later stage in life. to that i add my issues with my kids and both our different needs, ways of doing things, etc. and again, it was all for a reason.
we did not see other people (by individual choice and not open agreement) and were not sexual with others during this period. like yours, the attraction got stronger and stronger. for a while there, i would not even dance with him because i feared i would "give in" and feared a FWB . interestingly, i saw him more then and got to know him more then, than the first six months of our dating relationship. needless to say, we got back together. the chemistry was too strong to hold out and we are both very cuddly people.
i know that mine is not an FWB because of our sexual monogamy, the choices we have made given "opportunity" and the true friendship and understanding that we have. however, i also know that my original vision of living with "my man" has not, to date, taken place. i also know that w/o my youngest at home anymore, i will have time to get reacquainted with myself. a lot has happened since my becoming disabled, getting married, becoming a mom at 50, getting divorced, moving and meeting him.
i look forward to knowing myself and him better at this point in my life. i realize you cannot always hurry things. i've been married twice and both times, i never anticipated divorce. i asked for my second divorce, because i could not bear it any longer!
so, you have a man who needs to get himself together financially. do you have things to do with yourself, while he is tending to himself? do you have a time clock, worrying about having babies? even if you do, you may not necessarily have it happen that way. men do not necessarily need to "nest" right away. if you have immediate nesting needs, then you may need to reconsider. if not, however, while many people will have lots of advice to you, these same people do not take risks in real relationship building, or else they fall right away and break up very quickly a few months down the pike. although i was married twice, both relationships lasted ten years, not counting time spent before. i was in business with my first husband so it was almost like twenty years! based on all this, i realize you never know someone until you "experience" them. we all want it perfect. but unless you are psychic, you cannot always tell about the way things will go, unless they are very obvious.
you cite a lot of communication and connection with this man. i suggest you review both your actions to date, with him. discuss the differences between the male and female point of view, make your decisions about this whole thing: one day at a time. you will know when you know. hang in, no matter what the finale!
take what you want from everyone, leave the rest and get to write your own story. only you can be the author. | |
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| True friends and very attracted to each other, but he can't get serious, what to do?
Posted: 7/2/2008 7:56:56 AM | to mthomjmark--
We have NOT slept together. We have made out pretty intensely, but there has been no sex (no oral sex, either). The fact he is/may be dating others doesn't bother me so much as the way he told me about it.
And I can certainly be physically attracted to someone without acting on it, but it is much, much more difficult when you also have a great emotional and intellectual attraction as well. He is the first person I've been involved with in eight years, so I think my feelings are more raw. He and I get along very well and spent a lot of time together over the weekend. | |
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| True friends and very attracted to each other, but he can't get serious, what to do?
Posted: 7/2/2008 8:13:09 AM | To Hellofagal--
I am NOT all over him. I don't think he has any idea that I feel so insecure. We have fun together, and when I am with him I feel very relaxed. I am just very confused because he seems to give mixed signals-- likes me a lot, helps me with things (without my even asking most of the time), is attracted to me, can't get serious (I understand this), yet apparently is also dating other women (this is weird to me). I do try to just enjoy what we have without questioning it, but that is hard because I like him so much that it scares me, and he's the first person I've dated in eight years. As I said, sometimes I think we should just be platonic friends, but as you said I lust after him (and him after me), so that's super difficult. But I definitely don't want to lose the friendship, he is really a nice guy. | |
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| True friends and very attracted to each other, but he can't get serious, what to do?
Posted: 7/2/2008 8:33:20 AM | To serenitycw--
Much of what you said about your situation sounds similar to mine. Thank you for sharing.
I have plenty of things to do, either by myself or with other people. In fact, I am taking a vacation by myself July 12-19. I definitely have not put my life on hold waiting for him. I would like to see him more often, but I am not one of those women who is desperate for marriage and children and nesting. I just feel amazingly comfortable and relaxed with him, so I crave it. I think he is a soulmate. (I say "a" soulmate, rather than my soulmate, because I think you can have more than one.) We see eye to eye on so many things-- I've never had that easy of a connection with a man-- which makes the whole thing scary. (By the way, this weekend on our trip, someone commented that he and I make a great team.) And you're right, in the brief period where we had no sexual activity at all (3 weeks), we got closer (talked more, and more in depth), which then just increased my physical attraction for him.
I guess I need to have another talk with him, but I should be more honest and open this time. | |
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| True friends and very attracted to each other, but he can't get serious, what to do?
Posted: 7/3/2008 8:22:36 AM | | It sounds to me like you know what you want. It's simple - you like him a whole lot and he goes back and forth. Don't play games - tell him you know how you feel about him, and if he is on the same page you would love to date him. I don't think it sounds like he is, however. It sounds to me like if you keep within this mixed- signal relationship you are going to get hurt. | |
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| True friends and very attracted to each other, but he can't get serious, what to do?
Posted: 7/3/2008 10:27:14 AM | lynn, the difference is that you don't care if he is being sexually intimate with someone else. i would care to the point of never seeing him again, and vice versa. remember mine is not friends with benefits. the difference is the momogamy commitment for starters.
be careful that you don't "act" like you don't care, fearful that you will lose him. many non-caring people operate out of the assumption that they will get hurt, so they shut off. taking emotional risks, with intelligence, is a necessity to learn about relationships.
if you care and he continues in the manner, then i would get the heck out and find some mutual caring or keep this platonic. if that cannot happen, find a group of like minded individuals and start branching out for the bonding you describe. i'd venture to say that there are some very strong pheremones that are convincing you of this soulmate business. so let's call a spade a spade.
this is all not even addressing the sexual risk that you would be taking with one another. as said on many another thread, many diseases nowadays take place outside the condom area. herpes and papillo to name a few. we both followed the six month rule and made sure we knew what each other "had". i know that opens up a whole other thread and i fought way back for "sexual freedom" in the 60's. but believe me, the universe has a cruel sense of humor when it comes to not only screwing around with one's body, but screwing around with each other's feelings or even worse, your own feelings. | |
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| True friends and very attracted to each other, but he can't get serious, what to do?
Posted: 7/3/2008 11:33:58 AM | To Serenitycw--
I do care if he is being sexually intimate with someone else. (And I am almost positive he is not, at least not yet. I think this was just a very casual date, probably a first date, from the circumstances. Also, about a month ago, he told me that I was the only person he was involved with sexually, and I didn't, and still don't, have any reason to suspect he was lying.) I just feel like I can't object too strongly to him having a date. And I am sure there are many differences between your relationship and mine. What I meant was it sounded like the beginnings of your relationship were quite similar to mine, dating and then backing off to just friends but still having all that chemistry.
I do think that acting like I don't care is a big problem for me. I play it cool a lot. I've been told that by more than one person in the past. So I will try to be more honest and straightforward with him about my feelings.
Re your comments on STDs, he and I aren't having sex. (Why do people keep assuming that, even though I specifically said we didn't? We made out-- we kissed, we groped/fondled, I guess you'd say we got to second or maybe third base, but we didn't go all the way.) I think he would like to, but he has not pushed this point at all. He knows that I haven't been ready. And I won't have sex outside of an exclusive relationship. (I haven't had sex in FOUR YEARS, which he knows.)
I think I just have to go back to being platonic friends with him unless he can be clearer about what he wants. I really played with fire by being around him so much this past week, it then made it really hard not to want more. (And I was the one who initiated things, it wasn't him being pushy.) I just can't handle all this uncertainty and confusion. In the brief period that we were just friends, even though I really missed the affection, I felt more comfortable. I didn't question and analyze everything. I didn't fret about calling/not calling, plans/no plans, etc. | |
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| True friends and very attracted to each other, but he can't get serious, what to do?
Posted: 7/3/2008 12:06:34 PM | So I'm planning to say something along these lines to him (not sure if I'll do it over the phone or email)---
"I was upset about what you told me about your dinner plans on Sunday—not so much that you had another date because we never had an agreement to be exclusive, plus we had the “no more sexy stuff” talk a few weeks before—but I was very upset that you told me the specifics, and that you said you’d smoothed things over with her. (Was I supposed to congratulate you???) I don’t understand why you told me this, it really hurt my feelings, especially after what we did in the car. (I had sort of regretted my earlier decision, I guess that was obvious, haha, I just had enjoyed myself so much over the weekend I wanted more. I apologize for going back and forth on you over this, I have been confused as to how to proceed because I am very attracted to you but I don’t want to settle for “friend with benefits” status because I feel more than just a physical attraction for you.)
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t regret doing what we did in the car—it was fun and I was certainly very willing—so I’m certainly not going to say you took advantage of me or anything. But that’s not something I do with just any guy I find attractive, I only did it because I like you a lot, so please don’t tell me about other girls you date." | |
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| True friends and very attracted to each other, but he can't get serious, what to do?
Posted: 7/3/2008 7:03:17 PM | lynn, leave out the defensive stuff. just tell him although "he's" not ready for a relationship, you have a crush on him (bat lashes). so, if he's gonna go out with other women, you'd rather not know because it makes you feel TERRIBLE.
also tell him, if and when he is ready for a relationship, you will be platonically smoldering away and hoping he lets you know!!! also tell him that likewise, you will not be discussing your dates either--just in case he assumes you are just sitting there, waiting around for him.
when i went through my platonic period with my man, he assumed i would go on attending things with him and his buddies. i said absolutely not. what if you meet "another woman" ? do you then bring her and me? should i then have to find a date? thanks, but no thanks. we both were feeling the way you describe that we had a lot less pressure and risk. we also both did not date/ become sexual with others. but, hell! we learned we were missing out on each other after those first six months. what was really odd, was that i thought i had some sort of terrible uterine thing, which turned out i didn't, but we got back together not even knowing the answer to that assumption. go figure. if it's gonna happen, then let it happen. again, assuming there is at LEAST a monogomy commitment and that does not mean until you meet someone else "while" you are looking around.
go for it! you know, better to have loved then lost......no pain, no gain..... etc. etc. there are no immediate sure things in this life. everything has a risk attached.
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| True friends and very attracted to each other, but he can't get serious, what to do?
Posted: 7/7/2008 11:31:55 AM | Thanks!
He and I are going biking Wed. evening. Maybe I'll talk to him about it then. And really, I don't know for a fact that he had a date, it could have been just a platonic female friend. I have a hunch that it was a date, but I think I was being unfair to jump to that conclusion without asking him.
I really hate being in this situation. He's the first guy I've been interested in a long time, and in so many ways he and I are great together. On our first few dates, it seemed like we see eye to eye on so many issues (religion, sex, politics, money...) that it sort of scared me! It really made me wonder if he was for real. It was as if he had been given secret info on me or something. I've since realized that he is for real. And on top of that, we get along so well, enjoy doing things together, and are very attracted to each other, so my emotions have been running quite high. | |
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| True friends and very attracted to each other, but he can't get serious, what to do?
Posted: 7/13/2008 9:40:21 PM | i am glad for your lynn. i tried to private email you, but could not get through. life is funny, my relationship just took an unexpected turn for the worse. it seems there are friends with benefits, then a step up from that are monogamous, long term relationships with never ending fear of commitment and intimacy phobias or maybe after 2 1/2 years, he really wasn't into me (????).
at any rate, i have learned to not trust the advice, that if someone cannot say they love you regularly, that it doesn't mean they don't love you. that was the confusing part for me. a therapist friend and my (ex) man telling me the words can bother a person due to past pain, but they can still love you and demonstrate with "deeds".
but you know what? i have just learned still another lesson. not sure what it is exactly aside from the above, but despite "my" day of tears, i will not only endure and survive, but no one can kick the capacity to love out of me. i just need to know love when i see it coming "my" way.
in my instance we've been an ongoing "opposites attract". with what you desribe, you have a lot more in common with your guy as to how you see life. that will be on my list for the future. too many people carry around their old hurts as excuses for not living life and using other people. i still say it is better to have loved and lost, than to be dead inside. in many ways, my spirit is free now. i just didn't see it. i tend to be loyal well past what is necessary and for my own good. | |
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