| What if you are not too crazy about their children?
Posted: 7/1/2008 9:25:38 AM | Suppose you are dating someone for months that you think is wonderful, then you meet the kids............. not so good. They are whiney, bratty, spoiled and too old to be behaving so immaturely (these are kids in school full time not babies). For example being loud in restaurants, fighting with each other constantly, using foul language.
What do you do? Avoid them completely, pray that they will mature enough to learn proper manners or move on because you don't think they'll ever get better.
Can an SO really influence someone elses kids positively if they are allowed to get away with murder at home? | |
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| What if you are not too crazy about their children?
Posted: 7/1/2008 9:35:36 AM | Carolann,
Everyone's situation will be different. Having gone through it myself with not-so-fantastic results... I have 3 boys of my own. My SO had 3 girls. Ages of the children were 16, 15, 15, 14, 13 and 9. I went from being a single Mom of 3 to a single Mom of 6. His daughters were never disciplined, namely because his job kept him away for days at a time. When he was home, he was sleeping. His girls were left to fend for themselves by any means they felt necessary. They wouldn't wash a single dish until there was nothing left to eat or drink from. They were all perfect angels until we moved in together and that's when the fun began. Their father and I tried to come to some sort of compromise, including scheduled chores. That worked out REAL well. They could schedule things on nights they were scheduled to do chores.
It became a hopeless situation. The girls would tell their Dad they were going to a friends house, and tell me they were at band practice. But, right up to the end Dad swore his girls were perfect and it was me that had a problem. So, after coming home from work one night and walking in on him telling my 14 year old to tell me that he'd tore up something of mine so that his 15 y/o didn't get in trouble with me, I packed it in right then. Took the boys and left.
On the flip side of the coin, I've seen a few relationships where a new involvement improved the behavior with the kids. Not always true, but it can happen.
I guess it's just a matter of what you're willing to tolerate for a SO, IMO.
Dee | |
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| What if you are not too crazy about their children?
Posted: 7/1/2008 9:57:54 AM | I think an SO can definatly influence someone elses kids positively... if they have the time and patience to do it... and I think that's just where the wrench gets thrown in. Not too many SO would stick around long enough to do that. I've heard alot of stories where the bratty kids were the deal breakers, so I guess it depends on how much you like this person and how much of this crude behaviour your willing to put up with.
I also think you have to be willing to talk openly about the kids to your SO. They have to know that thier kids behaviour is rude and immature and that it could get in the way of your own relationship. | |
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| What if you are not too crazy about their children?
Posted: 7/1/2008 11:59:12 AM | That could be a deal breaker. I'm not really for foisting my son on anyone
unless he can be well mannered. It would behoove parents to instill a little bit of
control and discipline if they want other people to feel comfortable around their children.
O | |
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| What if you are not too crazy about their children?
Posted: 7/1/2008 12:15:00 PM | To your last question, no, because if the parent is allowing them to get away with hell he is probably not going to allow you to discipline his kids which is what would be required to get them into decent condition. This includes giving you the authority to begin with and if so, to refrain from going behind you and undoing whatever you do.
The kids can be turned around but the errant parent must recognize that it is necessary and be willing to do the work required to produce change, and it is a lot harder to change bad habits than to establish good ones to begin with.
I just had three of my grandchildren for a week. They have been neglected from the day they were born. They are 5, 7 and 9 and it was like being with three toddlers in overgrown bodies. I honestly do not know if any amount of training will really get these kids to normal age-appropriate behaviors.
It has really reinforced the fact that children need to be taught what to do, that when they learn, then they continue to learn on their own when no one is around. If you fail to teach them, rather than instincts kicking in to take care of themselves, they sit there helpless to do anything that a kid their age would be able to do. If my 9-year-old were left at home for a few days alone with food I think he would be fine. I really wonder if these kids would have the sense to go to the bathroom, to feed themselves, or anything else.
At some point before you get totally serious and cohab you bring the kids into it. If there are huge differences in parenting styles it will never work because the kids will play you off each other and your kids will resent both of you for allowing his to behave poorly while they are still expected to tow the line. I went through hell with my stepson because we were 150 miles away and he needed help I couldn't give over the phone. He was really not a problem in any other way until we got custody at 16 and after raising himself most of his life, he was difficult to deal with, and that was just one.
As much as I encourage people to work things through if the guy is good, I have noticed some angst in your recent posts and really, one thing you need to consider is your own kids. One of the girls at church believes one of the reasons her older brother got into drugs and started misbehaving was the influence of their stepbrother because his dad was very permissive. Before that, they went to a small school, were very well-behaved, and this information coming from a girl that was 16 herself at the time. Think about yourself and your sanity but even more about your kids, they are good kids and you should keep them that way.
The only way I would proceed is by sitting him down and being honest. Tell him you hate to say something because you know how it feels to be criticized as a parent but his kids make you miserable and you cannot continue to see him unless he does something about it which is going to require a monumental amount of work on his end. Tell him to think it over and let you know what he decides. Outside of that, get a Xanax scrip, you're going to need it. This is one of the reasons why I think some exposure to kids early on is a good thing. Would you have dated him this long if you were aware of the degree of nightmare that would face you today? | |
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| What if you are not too crazy about their children?
Posted: 7/1/2008 12:48:27 PM | | If a parent does not know how to effectively manage their children then I would not want to date them seriously. I believe the parent's energy should be put towards learning how to raise their prior obligations before taking on a new relationship. | |
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| What if you are not too crazy about their children?
Posted: 7/1/2008 2:56:12 PM | | First, I wouldn't be in such a situation cuz I don't want to raise any more kids so I wouldn't date someone with kids that age. That being said, if I was someone else in that situation, I would attempt to have an honest, open discusion with the parent regarding concerns I have with his/her child(ren)'s behavior. Included in that discussion would be the fact that if he/she can't get a handle on their kids then they are not someone with whom I would want to become more involved. I believe for the most part you can't have be a positive influence on kids like that cuz their parent(s) undermine a step's/SO's authority, sometimes shifting the blame onto that person cuz Lawd knows their kids can do no wrong. BTDT. No thanks. Not again. | |
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| What if you are not too crazy about their children?
Posted: 7/1/2008 3:45:00 PM | | Well I know myself, I wouldn't introduce my kids if I thought they were anything less than well behaved...I mean they aren't perfect by any means but I am glad my kids are good kids all around so far. Makes it easier when dating, and having a new person come into their lives eventually. And I don't expect anybody else to parent them for me, as that is my job and responsibility. So if my kids ever do act like that, by no means will it ever be accepted...Or tolerated....As I would want the same if I meet a dad.... | |
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| What if you are not too crazy about their children?
Posted: 7/1/2008 6:27:16 PM |
You can bide your time, plant drugs in their house, call child services and have the kids removed to foster care. Then the way is clear for love.
Some people drug the kids, strap them into their car seats and push the car into an abandoned lake. Has been known to happen. | |
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| What if you are not too crazy about their children?
Posted: 7/1/2008 6:45:00 PM | Kids are a product of their environment. If they're running wild and crazy, then I think it'd be safe to assume they've not had much direction in their lives.
My son is a good kid, but he's not perfect, he still has the odd hissy fit at times, but you know what, I can handle that because he IS a good kid, but he gets frustrated sometimes.
Some parents are far too lax, some are far too rigid. For some people my son might be a bit too wild, for others, they might consider him far too subdued. It's all a matter of perception, and everyones is different.
I would like to think that before you take that big step and move in with someone who has kids, that by that point, you've gotten to know the kids fairly well, as well as have an idea of what your partners parenting style is. If it's something you can work on together, then why not? Especially if you've got kids of your own. If there are issues surrounding discipline and stuff like that, you'd best be at least talking about it before you shack up together, because if both parties aren't clear on each others expectations, you're just setting yourself up for failure IMO. Sometimes all that's needed is guidance, both for the kids, and maybe even your partner, hell, maybe even your partner can offer suggestions as to how to handle your own kids.
Both have to work together, instead of against each other, not only the relationship aspect of it, but the kid aspect of it too. Blended families are NOT easy, but they can work, and when they do, the results can be awesome. | |
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| What if you are not too crazy about their children?
Posted: 7/1/2008 8:03:55 PM | I’d be edging for the door. It’s gonna be a pretty limited relationship if I can’t stand her kids’ behavior. And competent parenting is important to me, having a young one of my own. How appropriately is she going to respond to my kid if she parented her own children so poorly?
This is one good argument for meeting the children early, although I have a pretty good idea what kind of parent she is with or without meeting the children. Still, if they're young enough to be living at home and I haven't met them within a month or two, the relationship doesn't have legs. | |
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| What if you are not too crazy about their children?
Posted: 7/2/2008 4:03:00 AM | Carolann: I dated a guy that at the time had a daughter that was 12/13 and soon that was 11/12. Anyho...he let them get away with everything b/c he felt bad about their mom not being around. At first I thought I could be a good influence on them...but then I realized that it's like trying to change a man....you just can't do it. And the harder I tried...the worse they got. And they did worse then what you are describing...the son stole my wallet one time. I knew he had it, confronted him repeatedly....he wouldn't give it back so I had no choice but to call and have all my cards cancelled, checking info changed, etc. The next day he stuffed it in the crack in the back seat of my car and 'pretended' to 'find' it. And that was only b/c I had a made a comment that since I had to do all that, I wouldn't have access to $$$ in time to buy christmas presents. They'd intentionally open up food and dump it out. If the daughter saw something of mine she liked, she'd steal it. If I confronted her about it she would just demolish whatever the item was.
And yeah...I left. I realized that if the dad didn't have a back bone to stand up to two kids and lay down the law, then he was not the man for me.
~Welder's Girl~ | |
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| What if you are not too crazy about their children?
Posted: 7/3/2008 7:08:33 AM | I dated a guy for six months( who I shouldnt have, but thought I could help him) who had 2 kids(ages 8 and 5). I love kids and I have a 7 year old myself and I thought this would be fun. Ummmmmmmm, NO it was not. He told me his daughter had CP (Cerebral Palsy) and that both kids were great, well behaved, but didnt get a lot of attention from their mom. I can tolerate little tantrums here and there, and acting out a little because, well, they are kids. I thought I could make a difference in their life and be a positive role model, especially to the daughter. We were all introduced right away(not a smart thing to do). I wasnt prepared for what I was getting into. His daughter was EXTREMELY jealous of my daughter. She would hit my kid, she pushed her off the bed, she fought with my daughter all the time, would even tell me horrible things (we went to a pizza place one time, me, him, and his two kids. My daughter had a play date that day so she was at a friends. We were all eating and she turned and told me that this was nice, like a family, and I needed to leave my child at home all the time). WTF, and the dad didnt do a dam thing about it. His son would tell me he didnt need to listen to me because his mom said so. The daughter told me she hated God and didnt want to go to church because her mom said she didnt have too. What made matters worse is the father would always take their side. He would even say that my daughter prolly deserved to get hit, and my kid was the one with the problems. Now I do know that parents can be biased when dealing with their kids, and my child is not perfect, but if my daughter ever hit someone I would immediately reprimand her and make her apologize and would even punish her. Needless to say the relationship ended (for much more reasons I will not dissolve here, the treatment of his kids were just icing on the cake) , why it even lasted for 6 months I will never know. I honestly thought i could help him and his kids and get back on his feet.
I do think had I had the help of the father, things wouldnt have gotten out of hand. Kids will be kids but if the father will not punish them, or help them, or even spend time with them then that is a major RED FLAG!! He would pick the kids up on the weekends, drop them off at my house, and go do his thing.
I do think kids can be influenced by the S/O, but if there is no help from the parent then I think you are fighting a lost cause. You cant just have the father and not the kids. They are a package. | |
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| What if you are not too crazy about their children?
Posted: 7/3/2008 8:22:09 AM |
Suppose you are dating someone for months that you think is wonderful, then you meet the kids.............
Months till you met the kids? WTF? As a father I know my two kids are part of the deal. And quite honestly, they come before everything else.
So, I'd find it inconceivable to not introduce anyone I was serious about to them very early on. Certainly not first date or maybe not second date. But ASAP.
If I'm going to date someone with kids, the kids are on the top of my list of things to know about the other person.
What can be difficult of course if if you "hang out" or have a "casual relationship", in that scenario I can see not having introduced my kids or met the other persons kids. But if the kids aren't a fit, to me that would be a deal breaker. Either you then stop seeing the person or keep the relationship at the "hang out" or "casual relationship" stage. | |
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| What if you are not too crazy about their children?
Posted: 7/3/2008 9:31:13 AM |
Can an SO really influence someone elses kids positively if they are allowed to get away with murder at home? I think its the parent you have to influence, not the children. I see kids behaving differently depending on where they are and which adult they're with. Kids will behave horribly at one person's place, because they can get away with it, then be angels at another person's place, because that person is smart enough to actually give consequences for bad behaviour.
Supernanny has a lot of vids on youtube - maybe you could get the guy to watch some. I learned a lot from her. | |
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| What if you are not too crazy about their children?
Posted: 7/3/2008 8:32:25 PM |
Can an SO really influence someone elses kids positively if they are allowed to get away with murder at home?
Sure you can, but as rockondon says you do have to influence the parents as well. It's no good for you to attempt to teach their child a good behavior if they aren't willing to help you see it through. | |
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| What if you are not too crazy about their children?
Posted: 7/3/2008 11:24:31 PM | carolann,
I would adress your concerns with the guy your dating. If you have any shot at having a LTR with this guy...you need to let him know that his kids bad behaviour is a deal-breaker. You should also consider that you will have a helping role in trying to guide these kids and the Dad into learning what acceptable behaviour is.
I wish you luck....it is a hard road....but can bring alot of rewards. | |
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| What if you are not too crazy about their children?
Posted: 7/4/2008 10:52:28 AM | | Don't walk run!! Its not going to be easier.. whiney bratty children are indicators that the mother is crazy too. I am single and had no kids when I fell in love with someone who was newly divorced and had a bratty kid. There was no time for any kind of romance, intimacy or discovering one another. The kid whined my whole civil wedding and I postponed the church wedding and when the problem got really worse (with the ex) I filed an annulment. I promise myself that I will not get married anymore as I will not want to involve a single person into a crazy blended family life. I adopted one daughter and life is good. | |
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| What if you are not too crazy about their children?
Posted: 7/4/2008 11:04:55 AM | | I can be objective because I don't care about you think. Some men think that stepmothering whiny bratty children is a walk in the park. A friend of mine is still in that kind of lifestyle and she now looked 10 years older than her age. Life is too short to be the dumping ground of undisciplined bratty children. I have a right to an opinion and if you can't take it.. shut it. | |
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| What if you are not too crazy about their children?
Posted: 7/4/2008 11:16:30 AM | | What is a married man doing in this forum and harassing me for being objective? I wouldnt consider you a prize too so stop badgering me and have a life. And way too old to be cute. | |
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| What if you are not too crazy about their children?
Posted: 7/4/2008 11:59:33 AM |
What is a married man doing in this forum and harassing me for being objective?
Wow, you can't read. Impressive. I've been divorced like 9 years, and am a single custodial parent.
My point is your version of objective is to put up a profile just to support posting jackass opinions on the forums without real life consequences. The "Real Class Act" part comes largely from your profile name. Class Act, dude. Well, that and your real classy first post. Only you can start forest fires.  | |
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| What if you are not too crazy about their children?
Posted: 7/4/2008 12:48:16 PM | Look.. you look creepy and you have no right jumping on me because of what I posted and my profile name. Im on my early 20's and a registered nurse Im probably way classier than you are
.. and my name is from a movie. Geez, if you cant get a date get a life... | |
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| What if you are not too crazy about their children?
Posted: 7/4/2008 2:16:39 PM | Hi Carolann
Its a hard choice when you are in that situation. I believe that most children need some kind of counseling to help them through separation/divorce as they keep everything inside. It can be a frustrating time for you and for your friend. You are probably trying to shape the kids into what you believe is right and on the other side they are being shaped the way their mother thinks is right.
You cant win this battle unless you are willing to put up with disrespect for a while. When the kids get older, late teens, they will realize what you have tried to do. Its a long wait so you have to think about whether you have the strength to hang in there.
I wish you luck and happiness | |
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