| 12 year old that hates her father
Posted: 7/2/2008 5:04:07 AM | My 12 year old daughter came to me a couple of weeks ago and told me she hated her father, I knew she didn't like him, and in the 8 years our relationship has been over, his contact with the kids has been at best erratic. With large gaps in between him seeing them. No birthday cards, presents and only Christmas presents on the odd occasion.
He has over the years repeatedly let them down, and I have noticed her attitude changing in regards to him over the last year or so. I left a letter on the side in ref to his child support as he was trying to get it reduced as he was claiming he saw the children every month and was claiming travel expense, She asked me why daddy was telling lies? what could I say to her. Although I have told her that he does love and care for her, it seems to have less and less effect.
He turned up the other day with his new girlfriend in toe, no warning or anything and became extremely upset when she gave him attitude, I explained to him what she had said, and once again asked him to make more effort with the kids, but to be honest it feels like it's going in one ear and out the other. At the end of the day he isn't my problem my daughter is, has anyone got any suggestions as how to deal with these negative emotions my daughter has in regards to her father. | |
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| 12 year old that hates her father
Posted: 7/2/2008 5:50:11 AM | I would suggest you have her talk to someone professionally. Although it may not seem like it today, the way the father is treating her can and most possibly will be how she sees all men in the future. Children are molded by what they learn and right now dad is not teaching anything good.
You can't change him, so don't even try. It will continue to go in one ear and out the other. There is a possiblity that someone day his lights will come on to what he is doing, but you can't expect it to happen.
You may even want to talk to an attorney about reducing his rights since he obviously isn't using them. Take the report that you get from the therapist about what this is doing to your daughter or have the therapist testify for your daughter.
Your daughters mental health is just as important as her physical.
Good Luck | |
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| 12 year old that hates her father
Posted: 7/2/2008 6:14:24 AM | I to am, or should i say was having the same problem. With the father, and now his new wife.
My daughter is also 12, she is a special needs child. Mentally she has a hard time with the idea that her father does her the way he does her. He and i are forever at odds for the changes he puts her though. Or should i say we were.
I had to go to the lawyers office and have a clause put in there that the visitation had to be agreed on by both parties, if i refused than it was to bad for him. The fact is that i have had to put my daughters well being over her time spent with her father. The line had to be drawn. I talk to her and i tell her that it is not that he does not love her, it is just that he has a unhealthy way of showing it. And i know that she loves him but for a time i think that it was best that she and i move on together with out him right now.
As we all know time changes people sometimes for the good and sometimes for the bad all we can do is just wait around and see. I remind her that it is not anyones fault it is just the way somepeople are. And i take her to a therpist once a week and things are getting alot better.
Also i have found that being up front with her on the facts and trying extremely hard not tot let my bad thoughts of him come in to play, helps as well. She understands alot more than i would think a 12 year old should, you might find the same.
Best of luck to you and her.
Gamesoftheheart89 | |
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| 12 year old that hates her father
Posted: 7/2/2008 6:51:17 AM | OP - When it came to my 14 y/o son who went through the same thing with his father, I knew talking to his Dad would have no effect. It was shortly after my ex remarried. We went thru the ups and downs of having a step mom, but when it came down to it, Dad was allowing step mom to run all over his son. Since it's my son that has issues with his father, in this case, I told my son I would support any decision he made to see, or not see his father, BUT he had to talk to him about it openly. And I mean telling him he didn't want to see him and telling him WHY he didn't want to see him. He tried it once with stepmom present and it turned into a disaster, of sorts. He was being more mature than she was. If he said something, she'd tell his dad he was a liar and was only trying to split them up. But, my son kept at for as long as he could. Then just walked away. My ex, after seeing the interaction, contacted his son a few weeks later. They went camping together, had a long talk, and things have been amicable ever since.
I don't know about the maturity level of your 12 y/o, but it MIGHT be worth a try. That way she feels SHE has done everything she can do about the situation. The rest of it, is on her father.
Dee | |
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| 12 year old that hates her father
Posted: 7/2/2008 7:10:38 AM | My oldest daughter had a similar 'relationship' (I guess it's still a relationship no matter how sucky it is) with her father. Long absences, little to no child support, sparse contact, and the older she got the more cranky and uptight he got. When he was in contact he would insist that I had "poisoned her mind against me." None of us can keep every bit of conflict a secret from our kids no matter how we try. They sense things. And, h***!, she witnessed some of his poor behavior or was the recipient. "Uh... yeah... you failing to pick her up for summer visitation or call to say you weren't coming didn't have a freaking thing to do with it... moron!"  I told both of them their relationship was just that -- theirs, and it could be as bad or good as they made it. She'll be 28 in October and he is hoping to visit but there still are some negative feelings/issues they haven't worked out.
Your daughter feels what she feels and with good reason. I don't think we should tell our kids "You shouldn't feel that way." I think you can be there to buffer/validate her feelings, run interference and not allow him to call or try to make her feel like an 'ungrateful pig' (as Mr. Baldwin lovingly refers to his daughter), get her counseling if she feels the need or if she begins acting out with you as a result of these issues. But the truth of the matter is people grow up to be relatively 'normal,' functioning adults despite sucky parenting as long as they have someone who cares and is a positive influence. | |
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| 12 year old that hates her father
Posted: 7/2/2008 2:09:55 PM | My 13 yo daughter has much the same relationship, or lack thereof, with her father. He only calls once a year and hasn't seen her in 6 years. We (my daughter and I) saw a professional counselor for two years after my daughter reached a critical turning point and still have the counselor on call at a moments notice if need be. That counselor was a godsend and helped us both tremendously.
The only other suggestion I would have is do NOT be negative about men in general. Make certain your daughter understands that not all men are like her father. That is what I have strived to do with my daughter because I don't want her to hate or distrust ALL men because of her father. All men aren't like that.
Getting or maintaining positive male role model in her life will help as well...an uncle, a grandfather, cousin, whatever. My daughter has an attachment to my uncle to the point she thinks he hung the moon and follows him around like a little puppy dog. She is like his shadow when we are there. Men give our daughters the necessary skills to deal with men that we cannot give them as mothers.
In short, get her (and you) professional help and find positive male role models for her to learn to interact with men. Good luck to you both!! | |
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| 12 year old that hates her father
Posted: 7/2/2008 3:26:08 PM | Let her know it is okay to talk, that you will not bad-mouth her dad but can be a sounding board to help her sort out her feelings. Give her permission to have them and then if she thinks or you perceive that the feelings are counter-productive, help her find a way to think about things differently. Honesty is important, not making excuses for him or trying to encourage her to do the same.
We don't get to pick our parents and we love them often when we do not like how them and/or how they treat us. But not liking things isn't going to change them so you teach your daughter how to deal with a father who is a disappointment and is not going to be anything different. Mine, I tell them he cares in his own way and that they can pray for him to get better in terms of interacting with them. They also have permission to tell him they don't want to spend time with him, because it should be their choice.
For now, we just try to ignore his stupidity and go about our business. | |
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| 12 year old that hates her father
Posted: 7/2/2008 3:58:30 PM | | Kids are not stupid. They know when someone is insincere and lying. He's dug his own grave her and she has every right to dislike him. She does not however as a child have the right to disrespect him. | |
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| 12 year old that hates her father
Posted: 7/2/2008 4:03:50 PM | He has done nothing to earn her respect. Why SHOULD she respect him.
What are we teaching our kids then? By demanding they respect someone who does not show them respect? I personally don't think her anger is all that unfounded.
I'd take her to see a professional so she could talk about things, and at that age, she is old enough to decide for herself whether she wants to see him or not (where I'm from anyways). He can fight it, sure, but would he be doing anyone any favors in doing so? | |
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| 12 year old that hates her father
Posted: 7/2/2008 4:38:53 PM | | If you want to make things easier on your girl just bring a step dad figure in her life. It will be so easier for your girl. She still would complain about daddy but her new daddy who will be a real man and good to her wil very significantly reduce her stress. One day she may start call him "dad" and it will just easier for all of you , guys. | |
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| 12 year old that hates her father
Posted: 7/2/2008 4:42:04 PM | ^^^^^ If someone is fortunate enough to find a good man to bring into the lives of their children during the formative years, this is of course wonderful. This is not how we approach solving problems with parents, by trying to replace them because frankly, while a step-parent can make a huge difference, the child will always grapple with the hole that the biological parent has left on their psyche.
Also OP, that is something you can do, make sure that whether they are family friends or uncles, make sure there are good guys around her so that she sees that all men are not like her father. I think it is as important for my daughter as my sons that they have relationships with men that behave differently and have different priorities than their father. | |
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| 12 year old that hates her father
Posted: 7/2/2008 8:24:40 PM | My ex created a situation for himself in which his two sons no longer wanted to speak with him let alone be anywhere near him due to his anger issues and inability to control his emotions. There was no physical abuse yet his sons were extremely afraid of him which resulted in supervised visitation for quite some time.
As the time for supervised visits was coming to an end and the boys got more worried, I suggested they confront their father with all the issues bothering them while in the safety of the supervisor. They did so and while their father's initial reaction was extreme anger, alot of yelling and zero communication from him to his sons for two weeks, it was like a light bulb suddenly went off and the difference in their relationship since then has been amazing.
I think a large part of the problem is when we try to get in between to smooth things out. Although I was relaying his sons true feelings to him, it meant nothing to him coming from me due to his anger towards me.
But to hear it from his own sons and to be confronted with issues he couldn't deny to them nor himself any longer seemed to make a huge difference. I think he finally realized he was completely losing his sons emotionally and could no longer deny how they felt as he heard it directly from them.
My sons were 11 and 13 at the time and I've never been more proud of them in my life, they stood up for themselves, made their feelings and needs known despite their fears and got their father to see what no one else could for two years.
I wish you and your daughter alot of luck. All situations are different but just maybe he needs to hear it all straight from her. | |
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| 12 year old that hates her father
Posted: 7/3/2008 8:17:28 AM | Because children should respect all adults and should not say they hate their parents.
At 12 she is old enough and smart enough to understand her Dad is not acting not normally and most courts would probably be fine with her wanting to cut off all physical contact. | |
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| 12 year old that hates her father
Posted: 7/3/2008 10:33:13 AM | | My 13 year old son hates his father. His father hasn't been there for him like most parents are. I know he does love him but has a funny way of showing it. Since we've split he has a new girlfriend and that is all he cares about at the current time. He's also moved away farther so he sees the kids about once a month or up to 3 months. His dad doesn't call him and has forgotten his bday several times. I've always been the constant because when we were together his father traveled alot. I wish I knew everything that was bothering my son. I am having him to go to a therapist but he shuts down. My son also doesn't respect women due to my ex not respecting women. It's tough but you can only be the best mom u can be and u can't make him be a better dad. Just give your daughter the loves she needs and deserves and it will be okay. Just make sure you don't bash your ex in front of her. She has to make up her own mind and your exes actions has led her to this. Just help her deal with it the best way u can....by letting her know she is loved. | |
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| 12 year old that hates her father
Posted: 7/3/2008 11:28:22 AM | Sorry. I don't agree with that.
At 12, she is most definitely old enough to know that her dad is hurting her feelings and not behaving the way a dad should.
If he's doing all that, and you're still asking her to RESPECT him, then all I can say is WOW...
Hitler is older then you do, so is Charles Manson, so is Ted Bundy, you respect them Carolann? Probably not right? because of what they stood for?? How about that creepy looking guy up the street that makes you uncomfortable... still expecting kids to respect someone because they're older??
Yeah, I bet this girl probably thinks the same way, her dad hurt her, she dislikes him because of that, and IMO, she's got EVERY REASON not to respect him.
Respect has to be earned, its not automatic, even with children. He has done nothing to earn it. Just because someone is 'older', or an 'adult', does not entitle respect. | |
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| 12 year old that hates her father
Posted: 7/3/2008 12:03:24 PM | Extreme analogy, yes.
But why force someone to respect another when clearly that respect has not been earned.
Father or not.
Would you still expect the child to respect her father if he was abusive?
Because what he's doing to her IS abusive. Mentally/emotionally abusive. | |
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| 12 year old that hates her father
Posted: 7/3/2008 12:06:22 PM | It's ok for her profess feelings of hate IMO. But I've got to back Carolann on this one. Respect should
still be shown. I was in the Military and I once said "well If I don't respect the man then why should I follow?"
The answer was "You respect the position soldier"
It was wise counsel because as an adult you work for plenty of people that may or may not disgust you but the
constant must be a respect for the position and hierarchy.
If I had a child that felt this way I would say "it's ok to feel how you feel but I'm going to ask that your hatred
does not manifest in poor behavior". It's a powerful life lesson for children and a necessary one IMO.
O | |
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| 12 year old that hates her father
Posted: 7/3/2008 12:17:42 PM |
At 12 she is old enough and smart enough to understand her Dad is not acting not normally and most courts would probably be fine with her wanting to cut off all physical contact
Not sure about other states but in NJ, unless their is documented solid proof of physical abuse, the parent is a known felon or child molester, the courts for the most part could care less until the child is older.
I was basically told that if necessary, I would have to physically force my sons (who are already taller then me) into the car and take them to see their father regardless of what the boys wanted or what their fears are.
I was also told by Dyfus that basically, unless there's blood or broken bones, their hands are tied and the child is not supposed to be able to make that decision on their own in NJ until they are at least 16. | |
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| 12 year old that hates her father
Posted: 7/3/2008 3:33:18 PM | I would like to thank you for all your replies, what road I am going to take in regards to how she feels, I honestly don't know.
I have explained to her a few times, that it is okay to be angry, and it's okay to tell daddy how you feel, he's and adult, I'm sure he can take it. It's upsetting for me to watch as my 12 year old becomes more and more jaded, the more times he lets her down.
When he turned up the other day, he promised them, he would be back in 2 weeks to take them camping, her reply, I will believe it when I see it.
Some of you have mentioned respect, my children have been brought up to respect adults, but she seems to have none for her father, and I have spoken to her a few times on this.
As for a step father, not just anyone will do, and as of yet I haven't met anyone who I want to introduce to my babies. | |
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| 12 year old that hates her father
Posted: 7/3/2008 10:56:15 PM | I agree and disagree with the posts regarding respect. There are times these kids just need to be able to get their feelings out without worrying about being disrespectful to that parent. Let's face it some of these kids have been very hurt by their parent.
But I also think for the most part they should speak respectfully to that parent. It is good training for adult life when we have to deal with others in a mature manner, when we really want to rip their heads off.
I'll keep you in my prayers, it's a hard road for her to travel. | |
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| 12 year old that hates her father
Posted: 7/4/2008 9:29:36 AM | WOW!!! Been there, done that, doing it again. This is my second go-round with the father not being involved in my daughter's life. Now she is 18 and decided that her father was not worth the emotional toil that he created in the past. No my other 12 yo daughter is going through the same crap with her father. I just divorced him a year ago and he severed all communication with her b/c of the divorce; what an ass. She asked me a couple of weeks ago if she should call her dad by his given name or 'dad?' Honestly, it's hard to say. I told her he is her father and that will never change; however, to be a dad is a title that has to be earned, and once earned the respect will follow. Any man can be a father, but can they be a dad? I have a father and a dad and had to seperate the two into these catagories to keep my sanity, and it worked. 
Kids today are not stupid. Explaining to them and keeping it short and simple (KISS) will help them understand, a little, what they need to do. Don't force them to go against what they fill or think, it will only hurt your relationship. Get a therapist, they are really good at getting them to open up. However, it will take several sessions to get that trust, but it is all worth it in the end.  | |
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| 12 year old that hates her father
Posted: 7/5/2008 7:29:59 AM | | I really don't think a twelve year old knows what hate is. It often has alot to do with how the mom is projecting the dad to them. Not to say the dad isn't doing anything wrong. But depending on either his employment or other commitments there could be some validity in not being able to spend as much time. I've learned that you can't make everybody happy and you'll go mad trying to. I don't understand why a dad would want to be around a daughter who as you say hated him. But I really think it would have something to do with parental alienation if not the women was being coached. | |
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| 12 year old that hates her father
Posted: 7/5/2008 2:43:13 PM | Hi Punkinpie74, I also have a 12 year old daughter who absolutely hates her dad. We've been seperated 2 years now and she doesnt see him. Unfortunately, she has a lot of questions unanswered however, she is getting a lot of support. Which I had to seek out for her. Let your daughter vent her feeling, better in than out as they say. If you feel you cant handle these emotionally maybe you should look into support for your daughter. She needs to be heard. Good luck, if you want to mail me and chat please do. I know how upsetting this can be.  | |
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| 12 year old that hates her father
Posted: 7/5/2008 8:48:39 PM | ok idk how i fell in this forum
but im realy concerned with those of you that feel its ok to hate people let known flesh & blood
i have 5 kids that for different reasons no longer see there fathers (3)
i decided when i left my 1st husband my kids would learn in there own time why i left them & respected that they were my childrens fathers reguardless of how i felt about them
none of them have paid maintenance & where i live money & parental rights stand seperately in courts
seems to me the original poster has mentioned something possably in innosence
i.e you cant have new shoes cos dad hasn't paid that has had her lash out & blame dad ...
yet i also get the impression her fathers at least trying
if your childs hating some1 something anything try to point out the good stuff theres always good stuff aswell
i had a stage with my eldest son where everyday we played a game each of us had to think of 1 good thing that happened that day
with my daughter 16g i found mysef telling her reguardless of whom her father is i did love him.. in turn shes still learning i love her unconditionally | |
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