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| Single and happy: Open questions.
Posted: 7/2/2008 4:53:32 PM | Hello everyone and dear PoF users.
It has come to the time of sharing some questions I always had in my life, but to little avail never got them answered by people who are not in my friends and family circle, opinions which can and most probably will be biased no matter they say they are honest.
So here I am, asking to the "world".
A little background so you can better form your response/opinion.
I am close to being 25 years old, lived all these years happily with a great family and great friends to go by. I never had a girlfriend or had anything that could be called a date.
The reasons for this are "somewhat simple": I am a big guy and I am extremely independent when it comes to loneliness.
I pass to explain. Because of the fact I am a big guy and never had any real pretendents, (not because my lack of interpersonal skills or romance) but I never had a REAL feeling that I need to share my life with someone, because from childhood where I missed and saw all my friends having a girlfriend and having sucessful relationships, I learned and developed my own lifestyle and discovered my own true self that is in terms of affections, self-suficient.
Meaning that I learned to overcome all this loneliness since I was in my teens.
Now, to the questions I eagerly await feedback:
- Is being alone/single but happy and without the need of a second person in my life make me somewhat a "selfish" person ?
(My comments on this are that, even though I am happy alone, I always love to help others and share what I got to others, this is what makes me happy!)
-In regards to the first question, how can I be considered selfish, if there is no second person to be selfish with ?
(As I said first, I make the most of my life helping others. After all, what adjective would I be called when I can help others, and yet I don't ?)
-Is there hope for a change, that people like me will ever find some "soul mate" who I could permanently and constantly share some love with, instead of strangers and friends ?
Lastly, I would like to ask you to share your experiences about this, specially if you have lived alone for so long that you got used to find happiness in your own loneliness.
Thank you for all your comments in advance!  | |
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| Single and happy: Open questions.
Posted: 7/2/2008 5:02:39 PM |
- Is being alone/single but happy and without the need of a second person in my life make me somewhat a "selfish" person ?
Not at all. It doesn't hurt anyone.
-Is there hope for a change, that people like me will ever find some "soul mate" who I could permanently and constantly share some love with, instead of strangers and friends ?
There's ALWAYS someone out there for someone. They key is how hard you are willing to look, and how much effort you are willing to put in it.
Lastly, I would like to ask you to share your experiences about this, specially if you have lived alone for so long that you got used to find happiness in your own loneliness.
Although I haven't been able to do it yet, it's crucial to be happy without someone else. If being with someone else is what makes you happy, then it's just a band-aid covering up the real problem. The way it SHOULD work is that happiness comes from within, starting with yourself, and then having someone else just adds to that happiness. | |
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| Single and happy: Open questions.
Posted: 7/2/2008 5:16:24 PM | Actually, I think you are now in the best place you could be to actually find a "soul mate". We have to be happy with ourself and our life before we can be happy with someone else. Otherwise it's too easy to expect that they will fill in the gaps and another person really can't do that.
Not having a significant other does not = alone. You're also only 25 - that isn't that much time of being alone or enough time to worry about not finding the "one". Just because one is single doesn't mean they have to get used to finding happiness in their lonliness. There is so much to be involved in I can't see any reason to be "lonely". You have friends, family, etc. People you spend time with. They enrich your life, you enrich theirs. I know for some people it's hard to meet others and expand their social circle, but there are ways to go about it. Build that friendship base and keep it close. Relationships will often come and go. Dating, more often than not, does not work out and it is those friends you will count on time and time again.
Selfish? I can't think of why being single, particularly at 25, would be considered selfish?
I was married for 4 years, and now I've been single for 3 and I haven't dated seriously since. You can be married and still be very much alone. Took a lot of soul searching, but I'm finally living the life I want and that makes me happy. Not a pre-conceived notion of what should make me happy. Find what makes you happy then you may just find someone who is happy in the same/compatible ways. THEN you have found your soul mate. | |
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| Single and happy: Open questions.
Posted: 7/2/2008 6:05:52 PM | Thank you for the replies! :) o
I think too that, in some way or the other, I was not made to be "alone" in this way.
I put the "alone" in quotation marks because even though I have a great family who loves me and who I love them, as well as my friends, there is always that level of love and care you only get from someone you really become close to, like a girlfriend.
And that is where my concerns reside, I know I am too young to be thinking on these things and making premises that might not be true in 5 or 10 years time, but what I have learned by being "alone", is the more time it goes, the more you "accept" being happy on your own, the more you find sources to make your mind think that in fact, you are good as you are.
It is so complex to explain and make people understand. People who never experienced being "alone" for all their life, people who never heard from a female the words: "I like you.".
You cannot immagine how it feels. Sad at first yes, very. But you then focus on you, on what you can do for yourself, on what you can do for others, and then bang!
You discover you do not need anyone else after all...
But this is not what is supposed to be, I know it! I have so much to share that is not conceivable to be "alone" all my life.
Bah, I think I wrote a bit too much lol...
Anyways, I would still like to know the opinions of someone who was or is, in a similar situation.
How do you cope with a "happy loneliness" ? | |
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| Single and happy: Open questions.
Posted: 7/2/2008 7:00:08 PM | | I'm not sure that everyone even thinks they need someone else to be happy. People usually hunger for contact when they mature sexually. Sex is an attractive force. But happiness is not tied to being a couple, as far as I know. Men can get lonesome for a companion and women can find themselves eager to have children. But it is generally accepted that relationships, marriage and family are optional. People who are happy single are not considered abnormal. In fact, by some counts, people who are happily married are considered remarkable as a rarity. | |
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| Single and happy: Open questions.
Posted: 7/2/2008 8:06:32 PM | 1. not at all selfish
2. you can't be
3. if that's what you want, go for it! ...but be forewarned, "permanent" relationships aren't always the panacea people assume they will be (a lot more work than you might want to imagine lol!)
4. my experience: have been on both sides and prefer the idea of something in the middle. keeping my own house, separate finances, independence, and freedom and and maybe having a pt-time bf (3 or 4 evenings/week) i think that's the ideal situation - and no kids (too much work and i don't like the lifestyle) | |
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| Single and happy: Open questions.
Posted: 7/3/2008 2:24:22 AM | Again, thanks for everyone insights. :)
As Paumanok said, the need to have someone does not make us happy on its own, it is true, although what I mean by having someone, is to fill the gaps between my needs to have someone to cuddle with (hehe), share a few good moments on the sofa watching a movie, talking and sharing the good things in life. You know, all the things our friends do not provide. (I dont have any of those friends with benefits thing lol)
And to Spiderette said on the 4th question, I am also considering that...
I do not know yet if I want a full on relationship with someone, not because I have to share my "personal life" with them, but because at this precise moment I am trying to focus more in my career and future life, and I fear that I might not have the time the other person deserves to get attention from me.
A stupid example: Suppose you want a car really bad, then you have, and then you realised you cant afford to pay all the insurance and on-going repairs... LOL 
I might have to chill down on the search of a girlfriend perhaps. | |
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| Single and happy: Open questions.
Posted: 7/3/2008 5:50:06 AM | I think that people need people, I think its human nature. When I'm away camping or something, after a few days, I cant wait to get back to civilization, and talk to people.
So you say you are alone and happy being alone, but then you say you have lots of friends and family and love.... so you are actually NOT alone. if your totally alone I think you either become depressed or crazy.
so with that said, I think it is possible to learn to live without a partner. but I think WHY?. first of all, the chase is fun, victory is sweet. also, better to have loved and lost than not to have loved at all. I could go on and on.... love is part of life, the birds and bees is part of life, and if you dont experience it, then I cant say that you have really lived.
it seems that you havent even tried cause of how you feel you look, and thats wrong. go for it dude.. g'luck | |
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| Single and happy: Open questions.
Posted: 7/3/2008 6:07:30 AM | Hehe maybe I did not find the proper word yet, but when I say alone, I say without having a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship.
So my whole "alone" aspect only refers to that.
And yes, im trying to "chase" one, but she doesnt show as much interest as I have on her. :(
Which makes me feel a bit down, specially when you find out people who seem so nice and kind hearted at bottom.
Though, I would really like to hear someone in the same boat.  | |
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| Single and happy: Open questions.
Posted: 7/3/2008 6:22:14 AM | How could you be selfish because you're happy being single? I'd say that you're lucky. Instead of writhing in agony every time you are single, you are a full and whole and happy person on your own. That is the best time in which to meet someone and have a healthy relationship. Or just to be single and be happy. There's no law that says you have to date someone or have to have a mate. I love being single and I'm very happy, more so than when I've been with men.
I think if people are calling you selfish, they are just idiots. Sometimes misery loves company and they see that you are happy single and they are miserable with their mate - so they want you to have a mate and be miserable as well.
There is someone for everyone - it's just whether or not you want that someone. If you want to stay single then do it, if you want someone, then maybe they will come along or not. No one knows for sure. That's why you are so lucky to be happy alone. Imagine if you were one of those people who was miserable alone and always jumping to the next anything no matter how bad or pathetic?
I have been single two years and never lonely. I love being single. It's only society that pressures people to get married and have kids. But if you think outside the box, and find what makes you happy - to hell with what everyone else thinks! | |
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| Single and happy: Open questions.
Posted: 7/3/2008 3:40:01 PM | | No, you're not selfish. You need to figure out what you want, what makes you happy. If you are happy being single, be single. Just as long as you arent hurting anyone. Some people are better off alone. I have a "soul mate", that I love with everything, but I perfer being by myself. But I'm not lonely though. I am not in a relationship with him now, and I dont know when I will be ready to get back in with him. Thats my experience. Unless you are wanting someone, or you are not hurting anyone, your self included, enjoy your time alone. | |
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| Single and happy: Open questions.
Posted: 7/3/2008 4:50:21 PM | im kind of in a similar situation, it pertains to a song written by a friend called in "love with a memory"
"most of the women in this county swear my heart has turned to stone, but the one im longing for today is so far away, it could never be im in love with a memory".
as for me ive traveled the world and looked in many eyes and souls but none have rekindled the fire that smolders above my shoulders down to the depths of my soul, im happy and joyfull till my mind wanders away to that love in my younger days, given the chance id take the pits in eternal bliss of singularity and popularity over false connections with those that share no affections. JW 3july08 | |
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| Single and happy: Open questions.
Posted: 7/3/2008 5:22:26 PM |
- Is being alone/single but happy and without the need of a second person in my life make me somewhat a "selfish" person ?
No. My thoughts on this are, essentially, there is nothing being missed. Being in a relationship is a bit like having ice cream. You can go your whole life without having ice cream - that in no way makes you selfish. One day, you'll have a cone and say 'bloody 'el, this is right gear' and want ice cream all the time.
In regards to the first question, how can I be considered selfish, if there is no second person to be selfish with ?
Again, it's not selfish. If there was a girl in your life who was madly in love with you, and you found out, and said 'no, I shall remain single for no good reason' that might be selfish. If the opportunity has simply never presented itself, that's no one's fault.
Is there hope for a change, that people like me will ever find some "soul mate" who I could permanently and constantly share some love with, instead of strangers and friends ?
Yes, there is hope for change. However, the skeptic in me does not think that the first person you will be with will be your soul mate. It might be. Though doubtful. So don't go looking for that or it will set you up for failure. Find a mate first, they might turn out to be the soul mate.
Lastly, I would like to ask you to share your experiences about this, specially if you have lived alone for so long that you got used to find happiness in your own loneliness.
I did have a sheltered childhood. I blossomed in my teen in regards to dating and such, though I was mighty lonely. I was the type who would always aim to please so that people would pay attention to me or give me compliments. You sound the same. These are good characteristics to have, pleasing your partner is never a bad thing. Just be careful that the first girlfriend that you have does not make you forget about your life before then. You were fine and happy alone, you should be fine and happy with someone. If you think that the first girl that bats an eye at you will be your children's mother, and treat her that way, she will run and you will be alone again.
S. | |
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| Single and happy: Open questions.
Posted: 8/17/2008 8:55:12 AM | m3lt are you really as "happy" as you make yourself out to be?
Are you really single by choice or are you single because of your circumstances?
Being "Big" should not limit your desire or ability to be in a relationship...unless you are using your "Bigness" as a protective shield and excuse.
Of course one can be happy being alone, BUT you say that you have gotten use to finding happiness in your own loneliness.
Being alone by choice is NOT the same thing as being lonely by choice.
In order to change the circumstance you have resigned yourself to be in, you need to change your attitude about it first. | |
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| Single and happy: Open questions.
Posted: 8/17/2008 9:17:11 AM | I'm single, alone (not lonely) and happy with it.
I would like to meet a man to share life with, but it's not a prerequisite for me to live.
I want a whole man to share life with not become dependent or undo him into half of whole.
I am spending day after day alone, doing things I enjoy and those not so fun, too.
Most of the year I do have my child to care for and be companion to (he's away entire summer), however, I'm fine by myself now.
I was married, had boyfriends, miss physical contact and security in knowing someone loves me more than aything else, but I'm satisfied being alone. Life's good.
Ironically, this independent mindset makes me perfect mate to a strong whole man who is not looking for woman to "complete him" but "complement him" instead.
If one comes along, I know I can adjust my life, make room in closets, share blanket. Sadly, as time goes by I find myself more and more stagnant in my ways though. Not to mention fleeting beauty that soon will cease attracting hot blooded men.
I don't know... Mabe I'm wrong to be so comfortable alone. Perhaps it's a culminative fruit of abusive marriage, abandonment by parents, learning to be independent the hard way, heartbreak over yet another wrong man..
IDK why it's so easy for me to enjoy peace and quiet all by myself.
Watch stars alone. Walk my path alone. Listen to wind and rain. Admire thunder. Get hypnotized by fire. Intuit what animals are saying. Run through forest on horseback. Sit on a dune taking in view and whispers in grass. Get chills from some strange feeling emanating off something.
I like to do those things alone, but I'd be willing to share all that with another if he came along with open mind.
Just my thoughts on the subject .. | |
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| Single and happy: Open questions.
Posted: 8/17/2008 11:22:24 AM | | I think that people can be happy and single. Some people choose it as their way of life. As a happy single person you may still choose to pursue romantic relationships or other types of relationships, but you are not dependent on the outcomes. I think it's important to find happiness in yourself because you need you more than anyone else. You are there until the end. I understand you because I have had similar feelings. I have felt out of place in the past, but it's the price you pay for your choices. Divorced people can tell you they paid a price for their choices too. As far as being selfish, it's better than being a doormat. Of course if you have a problem with your attitude or approach then you are the only one that can change that and sometimes that means stepping out of your comfort zone and maybe even following someone else's approach. | |
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| Single and happy: Open questions.
Posted: 8/17/2008 12:09:48 PM | | OP, when you're happy being single, you don't "cope" with it. You're just bloody happy. In order to find your soulmate, you have to be happy being alone. How can you expect anyone to enjoy your company if you can't enjoy your own? | |
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| Single and happy: Open questions.
Posted: 8/17/2008 1:44:13 PM | I think "SecretKiss" gave some good advice but I would like to add my own perspective as I have wrestled with this myself many times because basically, I like to be alone. Anyway, in using myself as a quick example, people have said that I am very intelligent and have allot to offer and teach. So why am I still single and cautious about relationships? Well, all I can say is that sometimes we let past experiences with people keep us from connecting to new people that may fit in better emotionally and intimately with us. You state that you like helping others and that is a good character trait but unfortunately, you also have to be wise in choosing someone for a mate because your generosity and kindness can be exploited by someone who won't have your best interest at hand. So no you are not selfish. I feel it's ok to be a little cautious in relationships. It's a fine balance we each have to find in ourselves.
As for your "soulmate" question. I don't really want to dwell in the single "soulmate" concept because I feel there are many people that are compatible enough with us to be considered a soul mate. By no means do I mean one should date and sleep with many people just because they may "feel" that they are are soul mate. I think true soul mates are those who are honest and genuinely care about you and the people and issues that are important to you, or at least act like they do...Ha! But seriously, there are many people out there for us and I think choosing that one to be with is the real issue. Just make sure you choose the person decisively, it wouldn't be fair to just be with someone just because they are hanging around long enough. I had a woman who did this to me once, and all it did was fill me will anger because she made me "wait" so long(3 years...LOL!) that by that time, I fell out of love. However, we are still friends but nothing will ever come out of it.
In the end, what I have learned is that being alone(without a partner) can really get you down sometimes. If you don't have good friends and family, that can compound the feelings of isolation. When I was living alone, I really hated it. All of my friends where married and had no interest in going out and having fun like we used to. I tried to make new friends but they never had similar interests and outlooks on life so it fell apart.
I am not part of any organized religion and have issues with some of them but I am going to go with that old testament quote in genesis that says, "it's not good for man to be alone". Hell, it's not good for women either! Backing that up with our evolutionary history, "for well over a million years, humans lived in nomadic hunter-and-gatherer groups or egalitarian bands where generosity was highly valued". We are social animals. The most social of any. Sex is how we live on but we first have to build on our ability to form long lasting cooperative relationships. Can you imagine what would happen if males and/or females don't invest socializing time and don't form cooperative relationships with each other. I think there are many examples out there. Raising a child would be even more difficult then it already is. In this "modern age" their are many social/class divisions that can keep us from "meeting that special someone" but I feel that we just have to try harder and not put so many unreasonable demands on each other. If the goal is for us to find a mate that will partner with us in raising children or helping when economic times are low, caring for us when we are ill, psychological and physical companionship, or all of the above, hell, I think these are goals we can all benefit from. Isolating ourselves can keep us from living a life that we where meant to live. One full of cooperative social relationships. Again, it's understandably hard to trust people sometimes and their are no guarantees. Life isn't generally fair many times, but just keep looking for those you can trust... Just keep looking... Good luck bro... | |
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| Single and happy: Open questions.
Posted: 8/17/2008 3:22:20 PM | Thanks for the replies and insights.
I have some things to add though, maybe due to a bad/different choice of words on my first post.
Ok, I am not alone per se. I have a wonderful family and a big bunch of friends that are there for me.
Though I am happy the way it is, I feel that I could "ADD" to my life, another level of happiness that a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship can offer.
I am sure most of you would know how to distinguish this step up on the happiness ladder, and that is exactly what I want in my life.
As for what " Its Better Together" said, yes I am happy and yes I am single because of circumstances. The circumstance is somewhat simple, I have not found yet a person who can see through the heart.
And as you said, my "bigness" is not my excuse not for wanting a relationship (quite the contrary) but it is most certainly a shield, a barrier that it is hard for girls to overcome.
I am quite happy as I am, though the problem arises when "potential girlfriends" do not see me as a "potential boyfriend" but as friend only... This is somewhat buggering me because I do not know how to create the barrier, I am 100% friendly from the start and because of my way of doing and saying things, they then consider me a good friend. Now, I have noticed that it is their way of giving me the hints that they are not "physically" connected with me, and this saddens me alot.
How can I be warm enough to be friendly, yet cold as a stranger to give them the feeling I want more than friendship ?
On the other hand, should I really worry/think about this or you think the more we try to find, the more it slips away from us ?
Thanks everyone! | |
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| Single and happy: Open questions.
Posted: 8/17/2008 4:00:33 PM | 24 and single is not exactly a record.
But I am very happy to see that young person like yourself recognizes the power of being happy alone. Far too many of us at your age, myself included felt very incomplete without a partner. | |
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| Single and happy: Open questions.
Posted: 8/17/2008 4:48:31 PM |
Now, to the questions I eagerly await feedback:
- Is being alone/single but happy and without the need of a second person in my life make me somewhat a "selfish" person ?
(My comments on this are that, even though I am happy alone, I always love to help others and share what I got to others, this is what makes me happy!)
That doesn't make you selfish, it makes you independent. I know people, guys and girls, that simply don't know what to do with themselves when they're single... so they're always jumping from relationship to relationship, some of which literally only last about a week.
-In regards to the first question, how can I be considered selfish, if there is no second person to be selfish with ?
(As I said first, I make the most of my life helping others. After all, what adjective would I be called when I can help others, and yet I don't ?)
I'm guessing somebody said you're selfish? Forget them. There's nothing wrong with taking care of yourself now and then...
-Is there hope for a change, that people like me will ever find some "soul mate" who I could permanently and constantly share some love with, instead of strangers and friends ?
Of course! It takes time and patience... you'll find someone as long as you keep yourself open. | |
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| Single and happy: Open questions.
Posted: 8/17/2008 4:57:59 PM | I have been single and "alone" for many years and I am truly happy; happier than I ever was in a relationship. I think we refer to ourselves as being alone because of the societal pressures to share your life with someone else. Many people simply do not understand the joys of becoming self aware and self sufficient. For the vast majority of people this is something that cannot be attained while you are concentrating on creating happiness for another person you are in a relationship with.
I to have experienced the feelings of selfishness when pondering my single status. I love my life and myself so much that there is a fear if I open my life to someone else I will loose much of what I have gained. I know I have a lot to offer another person; the selfishness comes into play because I have held back from sharing myself with another person.
So many people get into relationships where they have to compromise and sacrifice so much of who they are to keep the other person happy, likely because they are not with a person who truly compliments who they are. Possibly because they have no idea who their true self is? I see so many unhappy people in relationships everyday, I never want what they have.
I have finally opened myself to the possibility of a relationship, but not just any relationship. Not one to make my Mum happy or my sister, but one for me. It has to be with the right guy, one who understands exactly who I am and is very happy to have me! I personally don't use the term "soulmates" but I suppose it may be something like that.
So OP, you are not alone! I truly understand your struggles. | |
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| Single and happy: Open questions.
Posted: 8/17/2008 8:44:40 PM |
Is being alone/single but happy and without the need of a second person in my life make me somewhat a "selfish" person ? n regards to the first question, how can I be considered selfish, if there is no second person to be selfish with ?
No - not selfish at all. As you said, why would it? You are only responsible to yourself.
-Is there hope for a change, that people like me will ever find some "soul mate" who I could permanently and constantly share some love with, instead of strangers and friends ?
See - just the way you worded this question makes me think you aren't as happy being single as you purport. If you were, why would you care?
Especially if you have lived alone for so long that you got used to find happiness in your own loneliness
See that only works so long as you stay alone... Once you've found someone to share intimacy and companionship with, you know what is missing from your life.
At least, that was my experience. | |
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