| Completely and totally confused
Posted: 7/2/2008 8:37:18 PM | Am I missing something here?
I've been seeing someone for 7 weeks. We spend all our free time together. He calls me every day, more than once a day. He told me I'm his best friend. I've met his parents; they like me. I've been there for him, listened to him, and vice versa. We're intimate, of course.
I specified in my ad (Craigslist) that I was looking for a potential long-term relationship, not just a long ongoing friendship.
Then this past Sunday I find out he's still emailing and talking to other people.....I was floored, completely shocked. The way he'd been treating me the entire time I've known him - treasured, adored, special, admired - certainly didn't match up with him still looking for other people.
He finally admitted today that yes, if someone else asks him out, he wants to be able to go out with them. My problem is, why didn't he make this clear before now? Especially after the way our time is together? I asked him and he gave the usual lines: "we're not married, blah blah blah".
My heart is just hurting over this....I don't feel I can trust him anymore to be honest with me.
And before anyone points out that I have "single" on my profile, I just changed it to that a few minutes ago. | |
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| Completely and totally confused
Posted: 7/2/2008 8:54:02 PM | wow ya that seems to happen alot!!sad but true..so if he wants to still meet other people..why did you change you profile.if he is still fishin then i guess you shud keep yours as single..i feel for ya, it does hurt!all the best to you on this one.. alot of people could use advise on this one!! | |
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| Completely and totally confused
Posted: 7/2/2008 9:06:05 PM | Well, I certainly sympathize with you, and I don't mean to sound callous, but I don't think he necessarily owes you anything. It sounds like he's treated you quite well.
On the other hand, you did specify that you were looking for a long term relationship. Although my and your ideas of what that constitutes appear to be the same, his idea may not. He may consider himself in that relationship or a different one currently. If you've never discussed whether it's closed or not, then that would be your shortcoming (and his, but it didn't work to his disadvantage).
If you're not comfortable with the way he's treated the situation, you should lay down your ground rules for continuing the relationship - ie. All or nothing.
As for honesty, it doesn't sound like he necessarily lied to you, he didn't try to make excuses, nor does it sound like he actually cheated on you. At the least, it was brave of him, but he definitely wasn't forthcoming, and that's negligence - plain and simple.
Is a little over two months a long term relationship? Or is it still part of the dating process? Generally, people wouldn't decide to get married after two months, so your conceptions of where you were in the relationship probably differ.
It also sounds like you've already broken up the relationship if you're changing your status to single, mind you, I checked and it said 'friends', so you may still be flip flopping on the issue, but if you are single, then dwelling on the past and trying to understand why a pers0n hurt you generally won't help. Instead take the good things that you learned, take the lessons, gain wisdom, and use it to create more concrete relationships in the future. The pain will subside, eventually and you'll be stronger than ever. Good luck in future relationships or rebuilding this one.
Cheers,
~ LGOE5 | |
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| Completely and totally confused
Posted: 7/2/2008 9:20:35 PM | | t's early to be expecting a long-term commitment, but you're at about the point where he should be thinking about seeing only you if he's truly enamored/infatuated with you. i always assume people will continue to date others for about 6-8 weeks into a new relationship, but generally, if both people are really into it, it's at about that time they stop looking around (they lose desire for others as they get more into each other). adding to it the way he "appears" (on the surface only) to be treating you, he seems a little deceptive. at least he told you though. i'd be somewhat concerned, but not panicky. if his behavior persists over the next month or so, you might want to reconsider whether he's really the best choice for you. beyond the 3 month mark, there's no excuse (and that's being fairly liberal). of course, i'm refering to a steady, exclusive dating relationship only. if you're thinking of engagement or marriage, you need to make that a year or two. | |
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Posted: 7/2/2008 9:20:43 PM | OP, it seems apparent to me, that this man *does* enjoy you. However, it is also apparent that he is not ready for commitment. Perhaps the intensity of your relationship is really "hitting home" with him and he needs to back off for a while. It could be a wonderful thing for you both.
There is nothing wrong with him wanting to see who else is out there. It isn't always a bad thing. You want to be with someone that *longs* to be with you.......and vise versa. You may very well be the prize he is looking for, but he needs to be certain. Trying to cling to him and not let him be who he is right now, will just drive him away. On the other hand, you don't want to push him away saying to yourself (or perhaps him) that he can't be trusted. Did you ever actually have "the conversation" about "no other dates" "let's work on US and see where this goes" and decide together that neither of you would see other people?? If not, then you have nothing to stand on. If so, you are right, he is not to be trusted. Just becuase you are spending most of your free time together and are sexually involved does *not* mean that you are exclusive - you can never assume that, unless conversation has clearly indicated that.
We need to give those we love and care about, the availability to grow. Give yourself room to breathe and space to grow, as well. It will only be a good thing.
Unfortunately, as much as he seems to care about you, there *is* the possibility that you are not his Ms. Right, but Ms. Right Now. Perhaps you have given him too much, too soon. Perhaps he likes and enjoys you, but you are no longer a "challenge" or that you are just a "comfort" person...until the "right one" comes along. Sadly, many will "use" people they like to fill the void and/or loneliness until the right one does come along.
It is important to pace yourself in regard to your body, heart and emotions....so this sort of thing does not happen.
My best to you for success in finding the right one, whether it is Mr. Now or Mr. Someone in the Future.
Keep caring, keep your eyes open and keep your line hooked, 
Mainebrighteyes | |
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Posted: 7/2/2008 9:32:34 PM |
He told me I'm his best friend.
I think that's says it enough. Obviously he doesn't want anything serious with you. You just weren't listening. Instead of feeling being used just move on. To get to the gold you have to go through the trash, that way you'll cherish the gold whole lot more. | |
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Posted: 7/2/2008 9:59:18 PM | MizO took the question right out of my mouth. Did you have the exclusivity talk? Did you ask him if he was open to an LTR? Did you ask if he was seeing anyone else? It is imperative that one never assumes anything. You haven’t known him that long, perhaps he expresses lots of affection to whomever he is seeing, and being a best friend doesn’t necessarily mean he wants to marry you some day. I know it hurts, but at least you’ve learned a valuable lesson. If you don’t have “the talk” then you’re basing your relationship on pure assumption. In this scenario, actions don’t speak louder than words.
 Drop your line again. | |
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| Completely and totally confused
Posted: 7/2/2008 10:04:03 PM |
He finally admitted today that yes, if someone else asks him out, he wants to be able to go out with them.
Bottom line: ......... yes, he obviously " likes " you........ but he is not that into you and he is keeping all his options open..........so in essence....if someone better comes along....... he`s gone.....
The writing is on the wall with this guy. At least he was honest with you......
Peace | |
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Posted: 7/3/2008 9:31:34 AM | I use the internet as a last resort type of thing in dating. Whats amazing is how naive so many are. They sleep with someone fairly quickly then they try to figure out what type of person the guy is.
Many men want sex. They will say and do whatever it takes to get it; many women will believe anything they are told.
Again, so what if you put long term relationship. He wanted sex, you obliged.
Relationships take time; I dont get why people on the internet move so dang fast. | |
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| Completely and totally confused
Posted: 7/3/2008 9:51:42 AM | mthomjmark,
Thank you ...... you took the words right out my mouth! 
... only modification ... this applies to online dating as well as any offline dating!
... it seems these days "sex" is it!
As someone recently said to me ...... when people these days rush into "sex" as they seem to .... they are missing out in the beauty, passion, and ecstasy that comes with the path to get there! 
... also ...... from many of the converstations here in the forums on POF, it appears that most people feel that "sex" on the first date is a requirement ......... people read this and feel pressured that they must oblige ...... so it is refreshing to see that more and more people seem to be on POF these days who realize how great sex really is ...... with the right person ......... not with everyone that comes along and wants it! ........as you rightly said most men want it ......... and most women too!
... let alone the increase in occurrance of STIs ........ as the numbers of singles increases ............ | |
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| Completely and totally confused
Posted: 7/3/2008 10:06:44 AM | from a guy to aguy,
you are or should be the last guy on earth if thats the way you think
man of principles, you lack | |
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| Completely and totally confused
Posted: 7/3/2008 7:59:28 PM | | OP, if you've never agreed to be exclusive, then there's no exclusivity. Men can't read minds, and girls still give away the store without even having a promise of exclusive dating -- much less marriage. Sigh. It's sad all the way around. | |
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| Completely and totally confused
Posted: 7/4/2008 4:10:27 AM | | I don't know where the miscommunication occurred or if he just ignored that portion of your pro but its not right. But I wouldn't just up snatch all the trust, atleast see if you two can repair the harm done gradually. If you have feelings for this dude, see if you any of your faith returns to him after a bit and if not then roll out on him. | |
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| Completely and totally confused
Posted: 7/4/2008 4:18:20 AM | Yes, well, I empathize with you because I too have felt the urgency of wanting a partner and I have acted a little too fast, rushed even, to be intimate and start a new life with that partner, only to have it all crumble.
I would say that there is nothing wrong with what he is doing. The problem is the mismatch between what he is doing and your expectations. Adjust those expectations and see if there can be a match. If not, then move on and out, be honest with yourself and with him. You have nothing to regret. This is all part of a learning curve. You can hold your head high and take the next step. Don't let others denigrade you for being who you are. | |
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Posted: 7/4/2008 6:25:13 AM | His ad may have stipulated LTR....And that may be what hes looking for......but in 7 weeks it would seem he didnt find that in you.....One cant take things for granted......I'm sure you thought things were going well...but if he never told you he wanted to be exclusive you cant make that assumption............
Just because a man wont keep it in his pants....doesnt mean you have to accommodate........take your time.........and if your agreeing to sex thats fine.....but dont think that makes the relationship a committment...it doesnt...........know where the relationship is headed.........BY VERBALIZING...................
GOOD LUCK | |
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Posted: 7/4/2008 6:26:19 AM | His ad may have stipulated LTR....And that may be what hes looking for......but in 7 weeks it would seem he didnt find that in you.....One cant take things for granted......I'm sure you thought things were going well...but if he never told you he wanted to be exclusive you cant make that assumption............
Just because a man wont keep it in his pants....doesnt mean you have to accommodate........take your time.........and if your agreeing to sex thats fine.....but dont think that makes the relationship a committment...it doesnt...........know where the relationship is headed.........BY VERBALIZING...................
So yes, to answwer your question........you are missing something...a verbal committment.......
GOOD LUCK | |
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Posted: 7/4/2008 6:37:47 AM | Because MALE ego has a lot to do with it.....when he is online...he seems invinsible..cocky..and sure of himself..lost in fantasy.
You in his real life and it has nothing to do with you...it's a fantasy kick. It's only a short period since you have been with him.....I am sure it's a rush thing and he is getting all he can get out of you...sucking up everything you have to offer...the magic nine months...if it lasts...he will find another victim.
We call this an emotional vampire...........take everything you have to offer..food, sex..entertainment..then POOF!! Like a vampire..once the blood has been let and nothing left but a weak..spineless ..crying..psycho(oh yes, he will call you that if you don't want to let him go....when he wants to go)...he will shrug his shoulders and wave his black cape over his face into the night of the online dating services....never to be seen again. ...of course he will update his profile and include all the activities you have had with him as his favorite activities..and you feel you have been punked.
Do a good cry...go for a walk with your favorite music and scream to the heavens the rage that come from your soul. Don't contact him..don't acknowledge him if he emails...he is history....k?
Been there...done that.. | |
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| Completely and totally confused
Posted: 7/4/2008 6:51:18 AM | youre mad because he has options?
he told you when you confronted him about it, didnt he?
feeling treasured, adored, special, admired and getting all attatched was something you did to yourself.
i know you kind of minimized his reason of him not having any obligation to you, but its true, he doesnt.
if you can't handle it, move on. | |
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Posted: 7/4/2008 7:03:43 AM | | I am for real completely and totally confused....i am a big women and everyone seems to love a big girl...not sure why...i know i love myself regardless of how big i become.. but seriously there are alot of sick men out there...cause just because im big im not an easy target.....even though i love sex in all shapes and forms...i have recieved one email that says im fat....this is where im confused why would someone want to send an email that tells someone they are fat...they must be interested in fat ppl to begin with or this person would not have checked me out...So just word to everyone...ppl dont read profiles they just look at pictures like they are in kindergarden...so if you want to play with toys...ill be your teacher....come play.... | |
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| Completely and totally confused
Posted: 7/4/2008 8:59:30 AM | I know what you are saying. You think everything is going great. They say all the right things, do all the right things, you have a fabulous time. You feel like you are connecting on every level. You are totally happy and falling and then the floor falls out from under you. You look back to see if there were any signs, any hints, any indication that this was going on, but you see nothing. You feel hurt, crushed, and stupid all at the same time.
Then to add salt to your open wound, you come on here and see his picture pop up when you check your email. You could have the most perfect man email you right now, but alls you have to do is see a photo of the ex and your pain in your heart brings you back to tears. Constantly questioning what you did wrong. Constantly wondering what you could have done differently. Why didn't I know this from the begining before I fell, why didn't I feel something was the matter before things went too far? Why couldn't I have protected myself from the pain once again.
The only answers are with him, not you. But seems like it is happening on here so often. I read replies about being careful and going slow, tell that to my heart. | |
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