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Show ALL Forums  > Broken Hearts  > Dumped, devastated and don't know why      Home login  
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 smff73
Joined: 6/25/2008
Msg: 1
Dumped, devastated and don't know whyPage 1 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
Folks, having read through a lot of posts, it seems like theres a whole lot of good, knowledgable people out there, so I was wondering if anyone can help me!

Basically I met this girl online, her photos were fantastic, profile hilarious so we start email each other. Her emails were long, funny, and she sounded perfect for me, I eagerly awaited everyone. My replies were long too ( she told me when she met me that she eagerly awaited them and loved them too ). In short we clicked big time ( I know what you are thinking, but this was just online.

So we arrange to meet, she gets the train through and we go for drinks, both of us were nervous ( high expectations I guess ), but in moving between pubs, she puts her arm through mine. Then between the last pub and the train station she takes my hand, we kiss passionately to say goodbye. Feels so natural, we click big time in the flesh.

Not rushing things, we text and call a few times a week and talk on messenger too.

Anyway, she invites me to her home town ( 40 miles away ) for a night out, so I go through on the train ( meaning to get the last train home ), but we have such a great night I end up staying. We meet people she knows during the night and they comment on what a great couple we look. I go back to hers, we play Wii til 5am having a great laugh then bed, we sleep together. Next day I come home and everything is great

During the week we talk on messenger and she invites me to a party at her and to come as her partner to T in the Park ( a big music festival for which tickets are much sought after ), shes bringing me instead of her best friend. She says she hopes this wont scare me off, as it'll pretty much make us a couple. I'm delighted.

So I invite her to dinner at mine the following weekend, she brings champagne, my cooking goes a wee bit wrong ( i forgot to put the chicken in ), all good fun, and we have an amazing connection in bed too.

Now at this point I'd like to say I do online dating, maybe a date every couple of months and have felt no connection with anyone for a number of years, so this feels very special and very different.

The next day she is ill with a hangover and says"don't let me drink so much next time". So theres going to be a next time, excellent I think.

Sunday night I'm packing to go to London with work the next day and I text her to say I have to be up early, she texts back saying "good luck with that" and immediately texts again saying "sorry that was rude, hope you get up ok and the flights okayxxxx" I reply thanks and she says " where are my kisses?" so from then on she gets kisses in every text

Well, I go down south and come back on Tuesday night, we arrange to have a quiet night in at the weekend with a DVD. We decide on her place Friday night, so I drive through.

From the off with no warning she is cold and unaffectionate, says she aint well, we go to bed early and I wake in the middle of the night to find she's moved to the couch! I offer to go to the couch so she can have her bed. anyway morning comes, she's still ice cold says she aint well. I do everything I can, offer to go to chemists, but no. So I leave her in peace with a kiss to the top of her head.

Anyway, late that afternoon i text to see she if ok, she send a joke by text, then very soon after sends "sorry, theres no spark and i'm absolutely devastated as you're a lovely guy". Playing it cool I say " I understand, take care of yourself" delete her number and begin the healing process! I am however devastated as I'd made plans for the functions she mentioned and also to take her away the weekend.

That night on messenger I delete her contact so I'm neither tempted nor reminded. She messages me being kind and i say politely and kindly back that i'm not angry but can't do the friends thing. She says fine I'll leave you alone and blocks me.

Monday I have a knee operation ( that she know about ). She'd offered last week to come through and wear her nurses outfit and look after me (!). anyway that night she messages me again saying hope you are ok. Again, I'm polite and after a couple of minutes say "pill time, look after yourself and hope your party goes well".

And thats it! How did we go from a great looking couple, always making each other laugh, great connection, both of us planning for the future, to "no spark" in a matter of days.

Can I get her back, its all I want!
 EnragedHamster
Joined: 6/14/2008
Msg: 2
Dumped, devastated and don't know why
Posted: 7/3/2008 7:04:28 AM
In your story you're the only one that brings up a spark and connection. Although she admitted that she enjoyed the emails and asked you to go to the concert, she never said that you guys shared a great compatibility. Maybe she was still testing you out and realized that you weren't the right guy for her. Although the way she acted would lead one to believe that she did have developing feelings for you.

Perhaps you did something to turn her off? Or maybe she is going through something and since this relationship is new, she doesn't want to burden you with it. Perhaps theres an ex?

There are a ton of reasons as to why she just went from hot to cold on you and unless we hear her side of it, I don't think anyone can give you sound advice on getting her back.

All I can really offer is still being supportive if she needs it and try not to push her away too much. Since you guys didn't share a long lasting relationship, it'll be easier for her just to find someone new rather than falling back into old habits like you would do with a long time ex. It sounds like she's still trying to reach out to you by texting you and saying "I hope you're ok".. etc etc.. So maybe she just needed some space to work through something. The best thing to do isn't to block her out of your life where communication is completely stagnant, but instead show her what kind of man you are by being supportive and caring without being clingy. Maybe she'll come around. Good luck.
 CourtandSparkler
Joined: 6/23/2007
Msg: 3
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Dumped, devastated and don't know why
Posted: 7/3/2008 7:13:36 AM
Sounds like another case of commitment jitters
 HarleyKat~
Joined: 3/30/2008
Msg: 4
Dumped, devastated and don't know why
Posted: 7/3/2008 7:20:41 AM
Yanno' OP, I have read a lot of broken heart situations where you just want to shake the OP and scream, "They used you!" But yours is...different.

Of course we only get one side of the story...but it sounds to me like it was honest, and should have had a fairy tale ending!

Question...the times you spent together...was drinking always a part of it? Or mostly? You mention a hangover...am wondering if she woke one day and thought, "I can't do this...I am drinking too much...judgement being clouded by such?" And honestly...I have sort of been in that situation. The ONLY time I saw a certain someone, was when it revolved around booze or the next day slumber of such...so that was our only common denominator...and when I was sober...I did not feel as if there was anything there. (I am not talking alcoholic or anything! Just partying it up!)

I seriously doubt it is about another person...since she introduced you to her friends. Unless, she is still hung up on a fellow...and he maybe made a reappearance in her life since she met you? (sometimes well meaning friends can be overly enthusiastic about a new prospect simply because they are thrilled to see their friend "moving on.")

Really...instead of just accepting her "no spark" explanation...ask her to further elaborate. I think we have a right to know what went wrong in a relationship! I resent the sorts who think they can just be so flippant about breaking things off with someone, with some pitiful excuse!
 smff73
Joined: 6/25/2008
Msg: 5
Dumped, devastated and don't know why
Posted: 7/3/2008 7:43:20 AM
Thanks for the replys folks, being an optimist, I'm going for HarleyKats reply as my one to work from most ( if only because one of these days I want a Harley, not very common here in Scotland!)

I've told the truth, the whole truth and nothing but. Thats why its so confusing! I only wish I had contact details for one of her pals to see if they can shed any light.

Possibly a good point on the drinking thing though, although we've had many conversations on messenger during the day, which were great, but who knows.

And I don't think theres another guy on the go, as I said, she was making plans for our next few weeks together and was rarely out.

Now having done online dating for a while and been on many a date ( i'm not a player, genuinely looking for a partner in crime ), I can tell when theres chemistry and when theres not. Theres been dates I've been on where I've liked them and theres been no reciprocated interest, and trust me this was different.

Oh and another thing, even though her behaviour is reminiscent of an immature teenager, she is in fact 38 ( i'm 34 ).

In short though, if I was a**** or had done something wrong, or there was no chemistry then I could understand being dumped.

BUT

I'm not, as far as I'm aware I didn't and I can assure you there was chemistry.

I'm the kind of guy who everyone says why are you single ( my pals gfs and wifes ), yet I always am. Maybe I was too nice to her ( I'm no wimp, military and emergency services background ), maybe I need to start being a bit of a jerk!

Stuart
ps, she said I snored :)
 lindylo
Joined: 4/23/2008
Msg: 6
Dumped, devastated and don't know why
Posted: 7/3/2008 8:23:22 AM
Don't change from being the nice guy. I'm afraid I'm always one who want's to know the in's and out's of a far*, I would ask for an explanation. I go on date's, if I'm not interested in them then I tell them and if they ask why then I tell them that as well, just recently went on a date with a guy, I thought we got on ok, he obviously felt otherwise, I e-mailed him to ask him why and he told me simple as.

What have you got to loose, I don't buy the no spark excuse.
 HarleyKat~
Joined: 3/30/2008
Msg: 7
Dumped, devastated and don't know why
Posted: 7/3/2008 8:31:49 AM

And I don't think theres another guy on the go, as I said, she was making plans for our next few weeks together and was rarely out.


Sweetie...I did not mean she was actively seeing another guy...or her future plans were not genuine at the time. I'm gonna use myself as an example here...argh...lol. I was in a mostly on, sometimes off relationship for 4 years. As soon as I would decide it was time to move on...it seemed he had some sort of radar hooked up to me...and would reappear in my life...and moronically (is that a word?!) it seemed better each time. I could have been talking to someone who I was reallly digging...but this guy would make me forget that in a millisecond. It's not an intentional thing!


I'm going for HarleyKats reply as my one to work from most ( if only because one of these days I want a Harley, not very common here in Scotland!)


It's as good of a reason, as any!
I say, get the Harley sooner! ;)
 smff73
Joined: 6/25/2008
Msg: 8
Dumped, devastated and don't know why
Posted: 7/3/2008 8:48:06 AM
Aha HarleyKat,

I get your meaning :)

Come to think of it, she has mentioned a couple of exes, maybe she's hung up. In fact once she told me of an ex ( who's a firefighter ) who turned up at her house in full uniform in his fire appliance to try and win her back! I'm a firefighter too, and she can do one if she thinks I'll grovel like that!

I know what you are saying Lindyloo, but maybe I don't want the finality of it, maybe I'd rather let her stew, I just don't know.

Half of me says break all contact and you'll forget sooner, the other half says, keep in touch and let her slowly realise how cool I am! :)

PS Need to learn how to ride first!
 lindylo
Joined: 4/23/2008
Msg: 9
Dumped, devastated and don't know why
Posted: 7/3/2008 8:59:19 AM
I like finality as personally it help's me to move on I hate all that what did I do wrong, I used to analysis and analysis thing's to the last it just doesn't help.

I don't think your letting her stew more like the other way round.
 indehills
Joined: 2/23/2008
Msg: 10
Dumped, devastated and don't know why
Posted: 7/3/2008 9:08:15 AM

...and I can assure you there was chemistry.

All you can really assure us is that YOU felt a chemistry. But you have no idea what's going on in HER head or heart.

Really, it doesn't matter WHY she doesn't want to be your girlfriend, the fact is that she just doesn't, and that's what matters. You sound like you're trying to move on, so I would suggest to just keep doing that. If she contacts you again, say "I already told you, I can't do the 'friends' thing, so unless you want to date, please stop contacting me". I would think that would stop it pretty quickly.
 pretty moon
Joined: 6/25/2008
Msg: 11
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Dumped, devastated and don't know why
Posted: 7/3/2008 9:12:34 AM
OP.......Some people need closure and others dont.......they just move on.....

It sounds like you need closure.......the thing is...maybe she's not even sure what the problem is..........it sounds like she was trying to keep some line of communication open by asking how you were getting on..even if she didnt show up in her little nurse outfit

You may want to get in touch with her....(not by text) and explain to her that you understand she doesnt want a relationship but you would appreciate her clearing up some confusion as to what happened.........

I will say your seeming to want her and then deleting everything concerning her ...and cutting her off when she calls seems a little like game playing to me..........

Perhaps things went a little too fast for her and she got a little scared and needed to back off........If she was hurt by a past relationship she might be in a protective mode.......In any event I wish you well and hope you get the closure you seek


GOOD LUCK
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 12
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Dumped, devastated and don't know why
Posted: 7/3/2008 9:40:31 AM
^^^^^ I don't think he needs closure so much as some logical view on what happened to go from a near-relationship to nothing. I was in a similar situation recently and did the same thing, polled friends for their thoughts and then figure that I probably dodged a bullet. In his case, there may be something worth continuing to pursue so I see this less as needing closure than trying to make up his own mind about whether HE should rethink his decision to end things, period.

Listening to everything you said and the reposts, convo with Ms. Harley, et al it is possible that she believed she was ready for a relationship and when one was up in her face so to speak, she was a decent enough human being to acknowledge that she was not and stop seeing you before you were hurt further. Some people don't know themselves well enough to see it for themselves until several months into things when they then tell you they are not ready for a relationship, wtf?

Right now you are looking at severe disappointment and it sucks rocks, but that is better than her waiting to grow a set until you are hopelessly in love. In many cases, when we begin relationships under the wrong circumstances, even if it is with the right person, it is doomed to fail. I can understand your wanting to figure things out and wanting things to work but at this juncture, it may be best to walk away.

At the same token you do have an additional option. Tell her you appreciate her checking when you had the surgery (it really was a decent gesture) but your no communication stands at this time. Tell her you don't want any greater explanation for her decision and recognize that she may not even be able to articulate what motivated her but if her decision was related to her heart not really being available at this time rather than something else, and she feels differently several months down the road, you would be amenable to her contacting you at that time to see where you are in your life.

If she was feeling overwhelmed by things, this gives her some breathing room as well as carte blanche to figure out what is going on in her own head. I don't think the alcohol is an issue other than perhaps her feeling that that, coupled with the sex, clouded her judgment. Some people don't do well with head-over-heels and it may have scared the pants off her.
 JungleKing66
Joined: 6/27/2008
Msg: 13
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Dumped, devastated and don't know why
Posted: 7/3/2008 9:43:18 AM
I'm going to go against the grain here a little and here's why. You stated that she's tried to have communications with you and has been amicable after the break up. To me that's a sign that she's still interested but maybe a little confused. Someone mentioned there may be on old lover from the past still hanging around and that could be the problem. So at this point maybe she is kind of torn and confused and when people are like that most of the time they want to distance themselves to have time to think about what they really want. It's really easy to get caught up in the moment of a new relationship and it could take weeks to come off that high back to reality... sounds like what she did. She seems to have some possible issue she needs a resolution to especially if it's an x-lover. It sounds like you two hit it off though and maybe instead of giving up completely, show a little resolve and give her the space but remain close. I don't mean stalk her though, just give her enough control of the situation where you are comfortable with it and she has a sense of control. Don't ever let her see you crack under the pressure though ~ it will look like you are too needy.

I've been through something similiar and I basically let her have her wish for her space. Because it wasn't some drawn out drama full of anger and misgivings I allowed the door to stay open by staying friends with her. We talked and emailed each other and I was careful in how I approached her with any strong feelings I may have had. It actually worked really well because though I wasn't ignoring her I was also showing her that I was perfectly fine with the situation the way it was and could deal with her needing her space. In the end she did end up chasing me and calling/emailing me.

If you really like this girl then go for it but use some self control and always maintain a positive cheerful attitude. Women don't like that sad woe's me type attitude (men don't either) and it will turn them off, sometimes I think they pull these stunts just to test men (subconciously). Either way, remaining friends is always a good start ~ staying friends builds a foundation for something in the future to happen but go into this knowing that it may not turn out the way you want it but if you don't try to do something then you will always wonder. I only offer this advice because you said you did really like her. I hope it works out for you. Sounds like a romance many wish they could have.
 HarleyKat~
Joined: 3/30/2008
Msg: 14
Dumped, devastated and don't know why
Posted: 7/3/2008 9:45:56 AM
While I know it ^^ happens...I think it is usually more of an excuse, disguised as being nice. If you meet someone and totally *CLICK*...in such a way as he described...you lose those fears...or you slow down...but you do not typically just END IT. At least not someone mature enough as in their 30's!

I mean, come on! WOW...it's awesome...I dig dude...I feel happy and wonderful and on cloud nine...and I am going to let my fears of...being happy??...get in the way??

I SO don't mesh with people like that!

Now...fear of HURTING someone...like she KNEW it would not last for whatever reason...but that's another story! ;)
 Loz Hunter
Joined: 7/13/2006
Msg: 15
Dumped, devastated and don't know why
Posted: 7/3/2008 9:46:06 AM
This is where the big difference between text/msn mates, and when it comes to actually meeting someone.

You just can't tell what is going on while they are typing to you, you dont know how many screens they are running? You sit there thinking you are the only one, when in 99% of the cases you are one of many.

You say you didn't ring her, you kept it in writing/text even after meeting up with her? Bit odd, you were an 'Item' but you kept it on the written word - instead of stepping it up to phone calls, wondering why? You can buy two phones that are call free these days so you can talk to one another all the time for free.

LONDON
Sounds like she did not believe you were working, or, she was waiting for an invite to London? hence the snotty text, what exactly did happen in London? Did you go with female work mate? Sounds like you blew it with that trip or talk of that trip maybe for you a female workmate is fun, but to another woman it is RED FLAG TIME! and dont go "ffs" because once there are RED FLAGS FLYING it is already too late. Never ever big up another woman to a new girlfriend, that is a big no no.

Just my humble opinion but it seems like you blew it big time and there is no going back now, live and learn hun, live and learn.
 smff73
Joined: 6/25/2008
Msg: 16
Dumped, devastated and don't know why
Posted: 7/3/2008 10:13:25 AM
Harley_Kat,

You've lost me, don't understand, please resend :)

Loz Hunter, I'm a firefighter and was on a 2 day meeting to buy new uniforms and helmets for my station, she knew that and had no reasons to be suspicious, can't believe you have read into my post that there was a female workmate involved!

We did speak on the phone too, how did I blow it? Even more confused now!
 JungleKing66
Joined: 6/27/2008
Msg: 17
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Dumped, devastated and don't know why
Posted: 7/3/2008 10:14:48 AM

Now...fear of HURTING someone...like she KNEW it would not last for whatever reason...but that's another story! ;)


thus why I believe there could be an x-lover causing a conflict of interest.
 HarleyKat~
Joined: 3/30/2008
Msg: 18
Dumped, devastated and don't know why
Posted: 7/3/2008 10:18:31 AM
I agree....someone else is getting in the way...thus why I mentioned it earlier, as well.

OP...I was replying to my girl PackageDeals post...while she is a very wise woman who's advice and opinions are always on cue...I just do not see it being the case with what you described. ;)
 smff73
Joined: 6/25/2008
Msg: 19
Dumped, devastated and don't know why
Posted: 7/3/2008 10:28:32 AM
I get it now Kat,

I'm a bit slow at the best of times :)
 Loz Hunter
Joined: 7/13/2006
Msg: 20
Dumped, devastated and don't know why
Posted: 7/3/2008 10:37:28 AM
Nope didn't read it in the post that there was a woman, a question mark usually means it is a question.

But if you read your OP then you will see you were fine, you mentioned to her going to london and she sent you a ****y text, when you got back it had blown up in your face. There had to be something about the London trip that sent her off the rails.
 JungleKing66
Joined: 6/27/2008
Msg: 21
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Dumped, devastated and don't know why
Posted: 7/3/2008 10:45:52 AM

I agree....someone else is getting in the way...thus why I mentioned it earlier, as well.


Agreed ~ in a situation like this, a woman's intuitive affirmation is always the best choice when discovering the issues.

OP if this is the case then you're clearly in a battle against an unrequited past with this young lady. There was another foundation laid that you may have to compete with. You seem to have established a foothold of your own, maintain good relations and coversation with her without pushing things, especially to confirm this (which you may never get it out of her anyways if you tried now). If she truly pierced your heart in a good way then give it some time to win her over. In time you'll decide if this is worth your effort or if you should just move on. Only you can really decide what you want and what's valuable to you as far as time invested and your future. No one can blame you for trying though in this situation.

Good luck
 smff73
Joined: 6/25/2008
Msg: 22
Dumped, devastated and don't know why
Posted: 7/3/2008 10:46:05 AM
Well, you are right in that everything was fine then after the London trip it wasn't.

But I've bugger all to hide, was an innocent trip for work. Why on earth could that spell the end to a relationship?
 dancingfella
Joined: 3/21/2008
Msg: 23
Dumped, devastated and don't know why
Posted: 7/3/2008 11:10:14 AM
I've found that some people think dump and no contact is an acceptable thing to do, and the kindness of an explanation so there can be closure they can't be asked to give even if they know you're suffering. After a few times it makes you lose faith in women

It's easy to say move on and forget , but feeling people that i've cared for are not disposable is why for me closure is needed.

The worst thing about being lied to is that you're not worth the truth, it's cowardice that I hope gets a karmic response.

Phew touchy subject lol
 JungleKing66
Joined: 6/27/2008
Msg: 24
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Dumped, devastated and don't know why
Posted: 7/3/2008 11:12:52 AM

Well, you are right in that everything was fine then after the London trip it wasn't.

But I've bugger all to hide, was an innocent trip for work. Why on earth could that spell the end to a relationship?


We all like to have answers, closure, ect... we can only assume things though unless the other party reveals their part. In assuming, sounds like there was distance and a bit of breathing room for her due to your trip. I'm assuming that the communication wasn't as prevalent as it was when you weren't on your trip? She may have been lonely and the mysterious x shows up to console her with conversation thus confusing the situation. This is only an assumption though. It could be something totally different.

But at this point, you're worrying on the minor and letting the major slip by. You really won't know til she tells you exactly why. Therefore if you really want to know then find out from the source. Be tactful but don't be brash or in a hurry to find out or you may find she closes the door on you. In other words don't push yourself on her to find out why. Just work on continuing that foundation and getting a feel for if this is what YOU want. It sounds like you want this girl really bad (in a good way)... go for it but use tact because she still seems to have interest in you. That's where you will find your answer.
 JungleKing66
Joined: 6/27/2008
Msg: 25
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Dumped, devastated and don't know why
Posted: 7/3/2008 11:16:09 AM
One other thing. This isn't about you. I don't think you purposely created the issue of conflict. Whatever happens don't lose the faith and don't get down on yourself. There are plenty of women out there that would respect and appreciate who you are and the things you do for them.
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