| Aging parent -what to do?
Posted: 7/3/2008 8:22:18 PM | Has anyone had to deal with the decision to put a parent in assisted living? My mom has Alzheimers, and has been living on her own, but her doctor says it is no longer safe. Mom is often forgetful and confused, but in her own mind she is perfectly competent.
My sister is the one on the scene, and has power of attorney. She knows my mom will hate being moved to assisted living, but she is equally resistant to having someone hired to move in and help her - and that option promises to be even more costly. Either decision would involve the sale of my mother's beloved house - assisted living would mean selling it within 6 months, having someone move in would mean a reverse mortgage, with an eventual sale at the time of my mother's death.
Aside from the Alzheimers, Mom is very healthy, and she comes from a very long-lived family. | |
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| Aging parent -what to do?
Posted: 7/3/2008 9:20:17 PM | Hey there, I'm sorry to hear about your mother. My parents are getting up there but so far, thankfully, we haven't had to deal with this. However, I do have a bit of experience both from working in an assisted-living facility and doing my current job.
With your mother living on her own right now she could easily become lost in a confused state. There is that risk, as well as the risk of forgetting to turn the stove off, over filling the bathtub and slipping, etc.
I would ask if there was an opportunity for one of your family members or yourself to take your mom in, but in that event you have to worry about what's called "caregiver stress". When the stress on the caregiver gets too much. I know that if my mother developed Alzheimer's or dementia, there would be only so long that I could look after her before the best decision for both her well being and mine would be care facility placement.
Another question I'd have to ask is: Are there any assisted living homes in your area where she can still live independently but have meals and home making delivered for her. Some places do have "independent" sides to them and when her care needs increase, she can be moved to the more dependent side.
Have you talked to her insurance company to see what she qualifies for? Or to the government? I'm not sure where you live, but in B.C. sometimes people can become eligible for certain grants or the like to help with an aging family member.
All in all, even if she's mad about the move - it will eventually be for her benefit and safety, and that's what really matters. | |
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| Aging parent -what to do?
Posted: 7/3/2008 11:34:34 PM | So much as we have the desire to keep our parents in their own home until their time comes it is not always the best option. If your mother becomes a danger to herself and refuses outside assistance then it may be time to start considering her future in the long term.
My sister is the one on the scene, and has power of attorney .....If your sister has POA then it's confirmation that your mother is not of 'sound' mind if she is unable to make decisions. Most Dementia people 'think' they are normal and can think clearly because in their own minds they can. They think that putting a jar of coffee in the washing machine is 'normal' behaviour and you can't tell them otherwise!
I know it will be extremely difficult for your mother to enter into an aged care facility, but she will adjust. Being a danger to herself is not worth the risk of keeping her at home alone to cope. | |
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| Aging parent -what to do?
Posted: 7/4/2008 1:45:07 AM | i have allways said, id never like to see either of my parents in a care-home.
but am in the situation now, where there was no choice in the matter.
about 3 month ago my dad was diagnosed with a braintumour.
as it was verry advanced, and of the agressive kind, the surgen did what he could, but my lovley dad never regained conciousness, and is in a "waking coma"now.
he does open his eyes, but you cant communcate with him.
after the hospital told us the discharge date, it was up to my siblings and me to find a place for him.
we decided to bring him home wouldend be a good idea, as he needs to much care, and there is onley my lil bro still living at home, and he works full time.
(my mom is not with us anymore).
so to put him into a care home was the most sensible solution.
we have a really nice one in my home town. its is lovley and clean, and the staff are brilliant.
as all his brothers and sisters live in the area, too, he has at least one lot of visitors a day, but most days more.
and he looks verry content, never uncomfertable or anything.
we did get told about the homecare option, but as you said it is even more costley, and you never know what quality of service you are gonna get.
in a care home, or assisted living, your mom has everything she could need on standby, 24 hrs a day. i think that option gives more peace of mind.
i have worked in a care unit for alzheimers patients a few yrs back. not as a carer but a domestic.
so i know what they can be like on good and bad days.
i suppose, even tho ud like to think with your heart, cs she is your mom, you have to think with your head.
from what i have seen in my time at the care unit, new residents settle in surprisingly quick.
it takes them a few days to find their way around, but then they are happy and settled. | |
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| Aging parent -what to do?
Posted: 7/4/2008 2:11:06 AM | | its always a hard decision.....nuttykitten hugs to you - you will need them too - i had to make some very difficult decisions for my wonderful dad.....now mums ready for the next stage of her life - for her that means moving from the hobby farm that her and dad had so much fun with, to a smaller place in town, where i hope she will have many years before we have to deal with the next step.....but thinking with your head is absolutely neccessary- it may tear your heart out at times lol but they need us to make the hard choices-good luck | |
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| Aging parent -what to do?
Posted: 7/4/2008 6:36:09 AM | | i told my dad that i'm going to put him into the best home that he can afford when it gets to that time. | |
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| Aging parent -what to do?
Posted: 7/4/2008 9:27:39 AM | OP, here's an idea, and it might help you and sis decide.
A friend of a friend had an aging mom, living independently, and the time came (many safety and maintenance issues on her 3-BR house). "Mildred" was moved to a home-based situation: a mother-daughter pair with a spare bedroom. She was told that this was for "a visit." (Mildred's two daughters both work F/T and live several hours away.)
Every day, Mildred asked when she could go home, and every day they replied, "tomorrow." And then distracted her with a puppy, or a cookie, or a trip to the grocery store. These two lovely women essentially adopted Mildred, took excellent family-based care of her. (Fortunately she did not have many physical impairments, nor was she likely to turn on the stove or the hot water.) They did not have access to Mildred's bank accounts, and the cost of their (essentially 24/7) care was less than that provided by any official facility. Not to mention that it was more caring, loving, and personal. (My friend tells me that they provided hospice care, too.)
You might ask around. With the aging population and empty nesters, there might be someone in your mom's locale providing home-based care.
HTH | |
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| Aging parent -what to do?
Posted: 7/4/2008 12:20:19 PM | I took care of my mom for 2.5 years and she died at home with hospice. We were able to afford private care but it was very expensive. It all comes down to money, money, money, and emotionally it's hard because they are not going to get better. My mother never had a mental disability like dementia, so it was easier. I think mental disability makes homecare a lot more difficult.
There are very few nursing homes in the US that are comfortable for the patients. This situation is only going to get worse as the population ages, etc.
There is more money lost in the US due to middle aged people taking time off of work to care for parents than there is for child care.
In my case, I was grateful that I could give up those years of my life to "do the right thing". However, I was not doing this for 10 years with a husband and children at home; and dating was difficult because running a nursing home out of your home is not sexy. I'd do all over again. | |
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| Aging parent -what to do?
Posted: 7/4/2008 6:51:14 PM | | It is my nightmare. Now they are doing ok, but since I am an only child, it will all be on me. I really don't know how I will manage. I guess I will think of it, when the time comes. | |
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| Aging parent -what to do?
Posted: 7/4/2008 8:04:32 PM | | Wouldn't it be nice if there was such a thing as a euthanasia chamber, where you could see your loved ones off? Basically, when the person and the family have decided enough is enough, they could go into a peaceful building at the top of a hill, or in a beautiful garden somewhere, and be gently put to rest. Then the body is loaded onto a conveyor belt, cremated, and the ashes given to the family once they've cooled down. | |
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| Aging parent -what to do?
Posted: 7/4/2008 8:35:35 PM | drinkjack- I sure hope you area teasing.
I know a family that is caring for an Alzheimer patient and it is very hard on the caregiver because it's like caring for a walking, talking toddler. You know the age that you don't see danger and everything looks interesting. It is tough!
Ya'll will have to make this choice. You know what is best for your mother and for your own well being. Just visit her daily at different times. The patients that have visitors on a regular basis at different times seems to get the best care.
I know how hard it is to watch your parent age. My mother has health issues and my father has stage 4 lung cancer. It is heartbreaking to watch their health slip away. Good luck and I will keep you in my prayers. | |
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| Aging parent -what to do?
Posted: 7/22/2008 12:27:27 AM | Why would I be teasing?
Hopefully I will be so hopped up on HGH that I'll look 50 @ 100 years old and still be getting tail and enjoying life. Otherwise, inject me full of heroin, roll me off a cliff, because I don't want to be old, useless, and crapping my pants. | |
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| Aging parent -what to do?
Posted: 7/22/2008 12:57:38 AM | To Jack and everybody else... my Mother did not have Alzheimers. She has/had Lewy Body Dementia (LBD). I say 'has/had' cause as I type this she is in a hospital bed in my family room. She is on her death bed. This is currently Day 6!!!! We have endured Grand Mal and Petty Mal seizures and her fever has put her into convulsions. I have a private pay hired team of Nurse's and CNA's that have been caring for her the last 2wks. (I was told 5 days ago that it was just a matter of hours of her death)
My entire team of private pay help is currently sleeping on my couch, floor, and everywhere else. They are pretty damn certain that tonight is the night.... due to her vital signs. (which would explain why I'm awake at 3am as all my hired help is sleeping in my house - although I'm not paying them to sleep... they are doing this according to their own heart and soul - nobody wants to leave her)
ANYBODY WHO HAS WITNESSED THIS PROCESS will agree the euthansia is preferred!!!!!
And as far as dementia parents.... 2 wks ago... my Mother was bedridden due to multiple strokes... but she would complain rather cussingly that WE WOULD NOT ALLOW HER TO WALK!!! She HONESTLY believed in her heart, gut, and soul that she was just as physical as she USED TO BE at age 20. It NEVER OCCURED to her that she was bedridden!!!!
I wish you the best of luck with your ordeal. | |
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| Aging parent -what to do?
Posted: 7/22/2008 4:04:55 AM | | My mom lived independently until 7 years ago. We noticed she couldn't live on her own anymore. We moved her out, sold/gave away most of her stuff and now she's in assisted living with a "mild" form of dementia. She is still angry & resentful with me and my siblings but there was no other option. It isn't easy. | |
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| Aging parent -what to do?
Posted: 7/22/2008 5:42:24 AM | | i will forward this forum addy to one of our poffers that recently had to deal with a similar situation as yours. she may be able to help you, at the minimum, give you a very understanding shoulder to cry on. | |
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| Aging parent -what to do?
Posted: 7/22/2008 7:09:36 AM | Personally, I think this is the perfect solution
having someone move in would mean a reverse mortgage, with an eventual sale at the time of my mother's death. This would enable your mother to stay as independent as possible and give her (in my opinion, having seen various care homes and had grandparent cared for both in homes and by home-carers) the best possible quality of life in a familiar setting.
I think your first priority is trying to do what you believe your mother would prefer. The cost doesn't really matter so long as the value of the house can be guaranteed to cover it -- that money is your mother's and there is no better purpose for it other than making her as comfortable as possible. This is what assets are for, at the end of your life. If she gets upset about not having anything left to pass on to anyone, try your best to make it clear that what everyone wants is to see her getting the best of care -- and you may need to be a little subversive and underplay the cost so that she doesn't think much of that.
 my sympathies are with you in this difficult time... | |
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| Aging parent -what to do?
Posted: 7/22/2008 12:34:55 PM | Thanks meoowzie for tipping me to this thread!
OP, I know what you are going through. My father has been in a home for 2 weeks now, after staying with me for 3 months. He had a stroke last summer that took away half of his vision, but against our better judgement my sister, brothers & I allowed him to stay in his own home with a woman who is his friend caring for him. She has no background in healthcare & we felt all along that she was really just a mooch, but he cared for her and felt he was helping her out.
It has been heartbreaking to see his decline - he is very healthy for his 81 years, except for the effects of the stroke & the high blood pressure that caused it. But, his mind is slipping away.
One thing you must remember - people like our parents are very good at hiding the extent of their dementia & confusion - relatives have a hard time seeing how bad the situation really is, because we love our parent & don't want to accept that we are losing them!
I highly recommend you have testing done to see how far along the dementia/confusion is. I didn't know such testing existed until my dad was admitted to a psychiatric hospital for evaluation about 4 weeks ago. He had become more upset about being stuck at my house & had gotten violent & tried to beat up my sister, my son, & I, so we had no choice but to send him to the hospital - we were afraid he had another stroke, because his behavior was so violent all of the sudden. They committed him for evaluation after he got violent with their staff. The psychiatrist had his cognitive, emotional and physical abilities tested, and we were surprised to learn that Dad is functioning at a lower level than average 81 year olds - we knew he wasn't okay, but were shocked at how much he has been able to cover up by joking or pretending he couldn't hear, etc.
My sister had a very hard time sending him to the home - she has POA for him. I kept reminding her that what another poster here said is true - he is like a toddler in a grown man's body. I reminded her that we do all kinds of things that our kids don't like to protect them, and now it is time to do the same for Dad.
You have my sympathy, OP. It is a very hard time, but hang in there! | |
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| Aging parent -what to do?
Posted: 7/22/2008 12:49:25 PM | | judi HUGS ( i hate this thingy>> Messages this short may not be posted) lol | |
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| Aging parent -what to do?
Posted: 7/22/2008 9:29:11 PM | Thank you all for your comments.
As I mentioned, my sister is the one dealing with our Mom's care, as she lives much closer than I (I am on the opposite side of the country), and she has POA. She has put Mom in assisted living on a 30 day trial, and is convinced this is the best option. Not being the one who has had to deal with the situation on a day to day basis, I am not going to second guess her.
Of course Mom keeps asking when she can go home, and my sister is just being vague. I will visiting in a couple of weeks, as will one of my brothers, and I suppose the 3 of us, and perhaps another brother, will have to face Mom with the truth. It will not be fun. | |
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| Aging parent -what to do?
Posted: 8/14/2008 4:09:21 PM | Warms hugs to you!
Every state (and usually county) has a branch of the Area Ageny on Aging. These are often affiliated with a local senior center. They are a TREMENDOUS resource for exactly your situation....not only for your mom, but for you as well. http://www.n4a.org
Also, try the Alzheimer's Association. Again, they have a website for local contacts and are great source of information, compassion and support. www.alz.org
Many assisted living facilities (aka, A.L.F.s) have Alzheimer's units. Many also have independent living sections so Mom has the safety of nearby staff if needed. The key is to do some homework and ask a LOT of questions.
Finally, here's the National Institute on Aging's website. There are some terrific resources here too: http://www.nia.nih.gov/alzheimers
Please also take care of YOU as well. God bless. | |
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| Aging parent -what to do?
Posted: 8/14/2008 8:58:40 PM | | having been the caregiver for a terminally ill parent a few years ago, and normally being a big advocate of taking care of them at home wherever possible, i would myself have to say for a person with advancing alzhimers, knowing how long the illness can go on, and how many people it really takes to just watch them 24/7 for their own safety, along with all the other things necessary to take care of someone, assisted living is sometimes a good option. | |
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| Aging parent -what to do?
Posted: 8/15/2008 4:41:14 AM | | I am also battling with the aging parent dilemma. I have suggested that they simply stop doing it, but every year they just keep getting older. I guess they think they know best. | |
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| Aging parent -what to do?
Posted: 8/15/2008 5:22:35 AM | | Maybe you could ask her to move in with you or any of your siblings? Why not? She is your mom. She raised you, now its payback time. Goodluck. | |
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| Aging parent -what to do?
Posted: 8/15/2008 6:29:46 AM | Maybe you could ask her to move in with you or any of your siblings? Why not? She is your mom. She raised you, now its payback time.
Whaaa??? It was your parents' choice, privilege and responsibility to raise you. You "owe" them nothing. However, you care for them because you love them. Your "payback" is raising good children. Not everyone has the option of moving a dementia patient in with them, since they may be working full time.
My grandmother lived with my parents for 13 years, until they finally had to move her to a nursing home about 2.5 years ago. My mom and my uncle were adamant that they would never put her in a nursing home. But for safety reasons, it was the best option. Plus, my parents deserve to have fun in the retirement years they planned so hard for. Fortunately they were able to skip the "Alzheimer's unit" and move Grandma directly into nursing care. She will be 104 next month.....who knew?? Fortunately my family has the means to have her in a 5-star facility.
Good luck, OP. Let is know how the family meeting goes. | |
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