| how do you let someone new in?
Posted: 7/4/2008 12:43:23 AM | hi everyone
im sure you have all had similar problems so im hoping you can give me some advice
i have been let down in the love department time and time again but my last relationship was the one that really destroyed me and i dont know how to get over it
i met a guy who i clicked with on every level almost instantly ... we had the same taste in everything and even smoked the same fags lol (an unusual brand) ... we laughed constantly and always seemed to say things at the same time ... it was like being linked mentally. we became close very fast and i had never felt so in love with any one before ... he wanted us to live together and started looking for a house ... my kids adored him and he spent loads of time with them ... i loved his little girl to bits and everything was as perfect as it could be. he had my name tattooed on his back to show his commitment to me was for life ... and because he did this i had his done on my back too . he told me every day that he loved me with all his heart and that i was his soul mate.
anyway he dumped me by text with no warning one day and his reason was he realised he wanted to be single and couldnt settle down ?????
so my question is
how do i ever let anyone in again?
i cant ... i get chatting to men and really like them but as soon as they get close to wanting to meet me i run a mile ... and end up blocking them ect
its making me very unhappy and isnt fair on them either but i really dont know how to get passed my fear and let my barriers down?  | |
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| how do you let someone new in?
Posted: 7/4/2008 1:36:58 AM | | Your still to hung up on this other guy, when the right man for you come's along you will be able to let down the barriers, just enjoy the single life and be happy with yourself. | |
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| how do you let someone new in?
Posted: 7/4/2008 2:23:03 AM | Hi nicki,
My advice is to try and stay on your own for a wee while anyway. Don't go looking for the love of your life and take compliments without acting on them. I think you really need some time on your own to discover more who YOU are. That way ,you won't see yourself reflected in anyone else,because you will know yourself much more than anyone else could. I always think the tattooing thing is more to convince the other person than a personal act. Perhaps ,if you get to know yourself a bit better,you will make better choices from a better position. I'm probably a bit old fashioned,but I think most people pierce and tattoo to show the world that they are rebelious,and a true individual. The thing is ,if you KNOW you are a true individual,you NEVER have to prove it to anyone else. Good Luck. | |
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| how do you let someone new in?
Posted: 7/4/2008 2:36:35 AM | thanks lindylo
i am trying to enjoy the single life i just hope i will be able to let someone else have a chance one day! xx
i dont wanna be on my own forever and am worried i might be letting a good guy pass me by in my deffensive state xx | |
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| how do you let someone new in?
Posted: 7/4/2008 2:39:50 AM | helinda
thanks for your advice although i have been on my own for 4 years since my divorce bar a couple of relationships that went wrong so i do know myself pretty well now.
mind you i think maybe now is not the time to be looking for love like you said so thanks x | |
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| how do you let someone new in?
Posted: 7/4/2008 2:56:10 AM | | it takes time to heal. hi nicki. im up late and just read your forum post. interesting. it made me think of the times ive been dumped and how long it took me to let someone new in my life again. it all depended on how much i had invested. in some cases i was dumped after a short coffeee meet, after dating for 2 months or a long term marriage. it really comes down to how much emotional investment you have. everyone recovers at a different rate. learn from your experiences, continue to keep a positive attitude, spend time with your family, friends, your interests and passions. when youre ready, you will know it. we are all looking for love but it takes some ups and downs before we find the right one. i wish you the best. sincerely, dudleyk | |
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| how do you let someone new in?
Posted: 7/4/2008 2:58:06 AM | | Just go back to that saying 'time heals all wounds'. You just have to let go of the pain, stop wondering why, and move forward never looking back. One day you will just wake up with some hope again. | |
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| how do you let someone new in?
Posted: 7/4/2008 3:07:03 AM | Hi,
I know what you are going through - when you commit to another and the other commits to you or you assume that is the case and you make plans to be together, only to be disheartened and lose that person. My advise to you is not to commit to a relationship straight off, but just enjoy it for what it is. Avoid having expectations of the other party until you have been committed for some time. Let him prove himself to you before you go committing to him. Time will tell if the commitment is there on both sides and the relationship will only last if it is meant to be. No use fighting it or punishing yourself if it is not working out. Often having everything in common or the same in a relationship is not that great anyway as you really don't have much to offer each other and the relationship becomes boring. You probably should be looking for someone who is a little different from yourself so that you both have something to offer to each other in the relationship. I hope you find joy just around the corner. All the best. Ellejajan | |
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| how do you let someone new in?
Posted: 7/4/2008 4:37:43 AM | Dudley's post is accurate and yet sometimes a short relationship can hit you as hard in terms of moving on as one of longer duration because it is time and emotional investment. I also think that some break-ups are harder because of all of the other things that are going on in our lives.
You could be unready to move forward with another guy because many different things in your life are up in the air, how you feel about your job, things going on with children, you just know you are not in the right place so nothing develops for you when you meet someone that might ordinarily really click.
At other times, we take longer getting over a guy because we have the luxury of indulging the depression and focusing on and even sometimes obsessing about the relationship we lost, which is not the one we had, it is the one we imagined for our future. Do things with family and friends. Do things you previously didn't make the time for. Go on some dates and just enjoy them recognizing that they do not HAVE to turn into anything other than a pleasant evening with a nice man. | |
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| how do you let someone new in?
Posted: 7/4/2008 4:44:40 AM | Don't allow the past to colour the future, move on.
Sound advice for us all, but very hard to do when someone has ripped your heart out and shoved it in your face while still beating.
Normally I am not real sympathetic when people post something like this. I always detect a certain amount of "it's all their fault, I am such an angel and had nothing to do with it" attitude, knowing full well it takes two.
I don't get that here, though. This feels "genuine". There is no putting down of the guilty party (I'll get that S.O.B.!!!). Only true sadness. I am so sorry this happened to you, OP, and I hope you find the strength to learn a lesson and move on.
It has happened to me several times, but unlike you, I probably actually deserved it. I suffer from an excess of personality and have a real stubborn streak ("You can't tell me what to do!"). I am beginning to believe I cannot be domesticated.
Best of luck to you. I think you deserved better. If you like, I will turn him into a toad. | |
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| how do you let someone new in?
Posted: 7/4/2008 4:45:38 AM | You are afraid because you feel so out of control. But you're wrong...
Instead of looking at how this guy let you down, realize the mistakes you made along the way -- and learn from them.
Moving too fast is my guess -- becoming intimate, professing love and making future plans with someone that you don't know very well is risky.
Slow down and take the time to get to know someone first.
You have all the power if you use your head and not react on an emotional level. | |
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| how do you let someone new in?
Posted: 7/4/2008 5:17:43 AM | STOP IT.
the past doesnt exist. the only thing real is the now.
youre choosing to let these things effect you and its doing nothing but harm by holding onto these experiences that dont even exist anymore. youre making a choice to have your personality be defined by these bad experiences.
****ING STOP IT. | |
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| how do you let someone new in?
Posted: 7/4/2008 5:40:47 AM | Take what was good from the relationship and put it in your memory box. Then move on......
I know sometimes it hurts, but the only way to get past the past is to look to the future.......
It's not about the length of the relationship....but the intensity of it. Yours sounds that it got very intense very fast. Perhaps, he got scared at the pace.........I know he has to take his part in that........but sometimes emotions get in the way and then when sanity returns instead of slowing down the situation they put a complete halt to it.
Letting someone new in will take time.........and the key word being time.....take the time with any new relationship........let it grow.........nurture it like a plant....you cant forcefeed love.............
GOOD LUCK | |
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| how do you let someone new in?
Posted: 7/4/2008 6:25:46 AM | Sounds like you had a drinking buddy ....when you two drank..it was no holds barred..
My advice..slow down on the drinking..be all you can be FIRST..then go out and find a NON DRINKING guy that will respect you for who you are..good luck | |
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| how do you let someone new in?
Posted: 7/4/2008 6:37:46 AM | my2cntsin .... what ????
thank you from the bottom of my heart to all of you that have replyed i have read each post and taken something from all of them .... its so nice to know people care even though you dont know me i felt like i had freinds xx
some things said made me stop and look at myself and its true healing does take time and maybe im hopeing for too much too soon (it was mid april)
i think i will do what one poster said and meet people but on a lighter note and not rush into anything ... take time to get to know someone first before letting down the barriers
it was a whirlwind relationship with my ex we were only together for 2 months but to me it felt like years ... we seemed to connect so much and spent alot of time together and mayeb that was the mistake ... burt out before it had chance ? i dont know .. i do know i miss him and that he was a wonderful man ... but i will try to put those good memories in my little box at the back of my head and concentrate on today and tomorrow xx
once again many thanks .... TO EVERYONE ! .... every opinion helped mwah xxx nicki xxx | |
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| how do you let someone new in?
Posted: 7/4/2008 7:00:52 AM | | you should of known the minute he tatooed your name on his back he was short an ore.. look in the mirrow an you may see another odd number . its going to be a long life . | |
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| how do you let someone new in?
Posted: 7/4/2008 7:03:32 AM | Judging from you recount of this past relationship, your involvement with the opposite sex is highly unhealthy. What you call love is neurotic infatuation. These kind of relationships burn themselves out quickly. In your case, your love got to the end of his fuse before you did.
I'm afraid that what you appear to be looking for won't be very long lasting. Unfortunately most ideas of love and romance in western culture are based upon idealized love stories from fiction writers and Hollywood movies.
If you had the opportunity to meet a couple who had been together for many years, you'd probably be very disappointed. What makes long term relationships special are the bond between two people which is established over a period of years. Outwardly the lives of these couples will appear to be very routine and boring to the point of being plain uninteresting. Certainly nothing that would attract you?
I would advise you to seek some counseling to plant your feet on the ground and to develop some realistic expectations about love, romance, and relationships.
The Eagle | |
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| how do you let someone new in?
Posted: 7/4/2008 7:03:39 AM | When I figure out how to let someone new in.... I will let you know..
I honestly don't know if that will ever happen.
I have been lied to , cheated on and stollen from.
Had a girl even call the cops and send them to my place on my birthday saying that I was commiting suicide..
I was drunk on beer and tequila when they showed up..
When they told me why they was there , I started laughing and told them how that girl was mad because I had been turning her down for 3 yrs..
I am now FWBs with my ex-wife because I cannot seem to let anyone new get close to me. | |
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| how do you let someone new in?
Posted: 7/4/2008 7:11:16 AM | eagle .... i was with my husband for 18 years i do know what makes a relationship long lasting ... (by the way my marraige ended because my husband was abusing me so you cant blame me for that)
and i dont want a whirlwind love affair ... i dont need councilling thank you i have a reaslistic idea of what REAL life and REAL relationships are about
also i would like to add that it was him that pushed us forward at such a pace not me | |
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| how do you let someone new in?
Posted: 7/4/2008 7:11:34 AM | Message 18...Honey , it did not take a rocket scientist to know that alcohol had to be a factor in this whirl wind monster fest.
Anyone who meets up with a guy and in nearly two months put's herself in so much pain to TATTOO his name on your back....AND states that you drink often in your profile...
Alcohol IS a factor.
He is sending you a message..it's been fun but the wildness has to stop somewhere?? | |
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| how do you let someone new in?
Posted: 7/4/2008 7:15:24 AM |
Don't allow the past to colour the future, move on.
Sound advice for us all, but very hard to do when someone has ripped your heart out and shoved it in your face while still beating.
Most of us HAVE had our heart ripped out at one point or another, though. I went through a pretty horrible divorce, which was caused by her cheating. A whole lot of people in my life said that when they had something similar happen to them, they put up that "wall" that you hear about, never letting anyone in again to that extent. I made the conscious decision that I was NOT going to let the meanness of someone else determine my own ability to open myself up again.
Being able to open up, allowing yourself to let someone else in, and totally fall in love is a WONDERFUL feeling, and I decided there was no way in the world I was going to let someone from my past take that away from me. That part of me is not their's to take away. | |
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