| Settling - A different perspective
Posted: 7/4/2008 5:57:38 AM | | I'll start off by saying that I actually believe we all "settle" in some ways when choosing partners. It just comes down to what we are willing to compromise on and what we aren't. However, judging from all the threads on this topic, there seem to be lots of people who won't "settle" which means, I guess, that some of us are getting everything we hoped for and more! But what if that means the other person is "settling"? Seriously, would you rather be the one who decides to settle for a little less than perfect or the one who is "settled for"? And why? Personally, I would rather "settle" than know I'm with someone who settled for me. To me, I don't think it would feel very good to wake up every morning knowing my partner really didn't get everything he wanted and I think they'd be a good possibility of developing a kind of insecurity for knowing that. What do you think? | |
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| Settling - A different perspective
Posted: 7/4/2008 6:06:10 AM | But then, even if not knowing it, your partner is not getting everything he wanted......
is that fair to either party.....and if your settling....how long will it be before you get discontent with the relationship?
Personally, I am content for the most part being on my own.........and I know what it would take for me to be with someone, and I dont think my expectations are out of line. I am not looking for perfection as I'm not perfect just whats perfect for me. | |
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| Settling - A different perspective
Posted: 7/4/2008 6:20:16 AM | settling is quitting in my opinion.
if you have realistic and non controlling expectations and keep putting yourself out there no matter how many failures, youre bound to come across someone who, if they arent already ideal, theyre at least willing to grow with you.
the trick to it is to be someone who attracts the kind of person youre looking for, physically and mentally. | |
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| Settling - A different perspective
Posted: 7/4/2008 6:23:07 AM | I think if either person "settles" then it's a no win situation. If someone "settles" then there's always the possibility in the future that they will meet someone who is a little more of what they are looking for and then they will end the relationship, or worse yet, cheat.
Maybe it's idealistic of me, but I think that both partners have to feel that they are getting what they really need from the relationship. I mean that the important stuff - trust, respect, good communication - is all covered. OK and the other stuff you shouldn't compromise on are values, goals in life, and you should have some common interests. Apart from that - everything else is gravy in my opinion. | |
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| Settling - A different perspective
Posted: 7/4/2008 6:26:54 AM | We all settle even if we don't like to admit it. Which is good or there'd only be critters on this planet. Who also have to settle. Imagine what some of them have to put up with, eight hairy legs, pinchers, having your head bitten off after mating. They need more therapy than we do.
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| Settling - A different perspective
Posted: 7/4/2008 7:05:44 AM | The thought of being with someone who settled for me is disturbing, to say the least.
In my opinion, being with someone who is less than perfect has nothing to do with settling. Settling implies that since you couldn't find the right one, anyone will do. And the thought of looking for someone who's perfect indicates that your head might need a shake and is equally disturbing IMO.
I don't want a man who's perfect...very far from it actually. The man I'm looking for will be as deeply flawed as I am...how else could he possibly "know" me if he's perfect when I'm so far from perfection it isn't even funny?
Personally, I can't imagine either scenario...whether I'd be the one settling or knowing that my partner settled for me is not something I can even think about. Both are equally wrong in my opinion, but to each their own.
JMHO | |
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| Settling - A different perspective
Posted: 7/4/2008 7:19:24 AM | If I am "almost" what a man wants and the "almost" means he wishes I would take up golf, well then that is OK and I would schedule a tee time. However, if the "almost" means what he really wants is a 5'9 blonde whose whole world would revolve around him, well then I am not even almost there. | |
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| Settling - A different perspective
Posted: 7/4/2008 7:31:16 AM | There are a whole lot of people out there that....let's face it...are not all that and a bag of chips. Yet, most will move forward and attempt to contact the hottest people online and get rejected..this is where the normal people get together and "settle" for ..well..normal.
Fantasy and chatting with young males/ emales to keep them from straying for the paid website is a dime a dozen.
When we meet someone who has a lot of things in common..no drama..just comfortable and complete trust..sometimes the internet calls the BORING! Will tempt them to think they could be with someone better..upgrade to hottness!!
They can go many years being lonely feeling this way and life slips away into a fantasy world...this is why many settle for just comfortable..they want to be anchored into reality. | |
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| Settling - A different perspective
Posted: 7/4/2008 7:42:18 AM | When I use the word "settle", I know I'm not going to find someone perfect. As an example, I'd prefer to be with someone who does not smoke, but if there's someone I'm happy with, I can live with that and not consider it "settling". When I say "settle" in one of my posts, what I mean is that I'm not going to be in an unhappy relationship just for the sake of being in a relationship. "Not settling" doesn't mean "not compromising" to me, it means "not staying in a relationship where you are unhappy".
I was with someone who had a very low self opinion of herself, and I had a nagging feeling for a long time that she was "settling" for me. She never told me that, but I felt that way anyway, and it was a very bad way to feel. I wouldn't want someone to "settle" for me. I want someone who wants to be with me because they love me, not because they don't think they can do any better. | |
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| Settling - A different perspective
Posted: 7/4/2008 7:57:06 AM | Well the matter of settling is a function of how much time you have left on this earth. If your time is short, then you might have to take what you can get at the moment or go to your grave alone?
I know people who'll never find what they want, so at some point in their lives, they'll be faced with the above choice. The funny thing is most of them will be settling for much less than what they could have had earlier in life!
BTW, the people who say they won't settle probably aren't finding anyone. It's just an excuse to give their friends why they aren't hooking up with anyone.
The Eagle | |
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| Settling - A different perspective
Posted: 7/4/2008 8:22:12 AM | It depends on how one defines "settle".
I know there is not a person on the planet who is completely 100% compatible for me, just as I know, no matter how stunningly perfect I am (LOL), there's no way I am going to be a perfect match for someone else. Realistically, I am going to settle for someone who is compatible with me in many but not all ways.
Sometimes I wonder if "not settling" is related to "leave at the first sign of disharmony".
I find it interesting that some define their heart's desire in a negative, almost confrontational manner:
"I don't need anyone. I won't settle. Let's meet to see if you measure up."
I don't think that is what they really intend to do, but I find it interesting that, that is the result. | |
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| Settling - A different perspective
Posted: 7/4/2008 9:04:24 AM |
It depends on how one defines "settle".
I guess it's just a matter of semantics, but "settling" sounds like picking the best of a bad bunch. | |
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| Settling - A different perspective
Posted: 7/4/2008 9:04:51 AM | would you rather be the one who decides to settle for a little less than perfect or the one who is "settled for"? neither
why? I'd rather be in a relationship where both people honestly believe they are with the person who makes them truely happy.
A relationship where 1 person believes they have "settled" will never be perfect.
-The person who has "settled" will always be wondering if they are wasting their time, wondering if they can do better, does not truely love their partner.
-The person who was "settled" for will always feel inadequate, and feel insecure knowing their partner wants better, and will never truely feel loved. | |
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| Settling - A different perspective
Posted: 7/4/2008 9:12:59 AM |
Well the matter of settling is a function of how much time you have left on this earth. If your time is short, then you might have to take what you can get at the moment or go to your grave alone?
We all go to the grave alone.................
BTW, the people who say they won't settle probably aren't finding anyone. It's just an excuse to give their friends why they aren't hooking up with anyone.
speak for yourself
It's about finding the RIGHT one.............
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| Settling - A different perspective
Posted: 7/4/2008 9:15:02 AM | Everyone settles to some extent - even if it's in a very minute way. Anyone who believes otherwise probably also kept believing in Santa Claus longer than the avg kid.
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| Settling - A different perspective - better than the Ex...
Posted: 7/4/2008 9:17:06 AM | Lots of good thoughts in this thread!
I'll add that for me, and I maybe for others, there's a part of "settling" that we're often not consciously aware of.
Do you sometimes catch yourself scoring others against your ex? Would you define “settling” as going with someone who is not as pretty, handsome, smart, talented, financially strong, popular or whatever as your ex?
I don’t think it’s really a sign of being hung up on my ex. It’s more based on a false hope that finding someone “better” than my ex will take away the pain of rejection.
Anyone have that going on in the back of their mind? | |
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| Settling - A different perspective
Posted: 7/4/2008 9:19:59 AM | The "I won't settle mantra" is at best nothing more than rationalization, at worse self delusion. Sometimes of course it makes sense; when this happens it is obvious to everyone.
Everybody settles, all the time, we do it everyday, for everything. It's called, making a decision.
If you can't "go" on 7/10, you're not ready for any decisions.
The best that you can hope for, is to meet someone who has "equally" settled.
Actually, according to Kenny Rogers, (The Gambler), the best that you can hope for is to die in your sleep. You can be alone if you choose. But the government won't have any problems "settling" on the funeral arrangements.
You're gonna settle, sooner or later. The only issue undecided is time frame.
Tick Tock.
---
I think a lot of people, including me, should switch their mantra to:
I am only human, I am only human, I am only human.
That way, when you possibly get emails form those you consider "whatever" you won't be thinking:
This is not happening.
This is not happening.
This is not happening. | |
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| Settling - A different perspective
Posted: 7/4/2008 9:21:17 AM | Everybody settles for less than what they want, that's what love means. Growing and caring together blossoms the heart and mind for love and prosperity.
Sounds ike you've been burnt OP so need time out for yourself to get over him and lose your bad man picker to refresh for a good man otherwise wasting both of your times. | |
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| Settling - A different perspective
Posted: 7/4/2008 9:23:08 AM |
I guess it's just a matter of semantics, but "settling" sounds like picking the best of a bad bunch.
What to one person is "setttling" is to another just loving someone and accepting them for all of them, the good and the less than favorable. When people would indicate they felt I had "settled" for my ex husband, I did not agree, and still don't.
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| Settling - A different perspective
Posted: 7/4/2008 9:29:25 AM | I think people make compromises..........thats a little different than settling.....
say if someone def. doesnt want a smoker but meets someone that smokes and has every other quality they are looking for......he agrees that if she does smoke around him......and she agrees to smoke outside then thats a compromise....but it doesnt mean hes settling...........
selttling to me sounds like....."better than nothing" | |
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| Settling - A different perspective
Posted: 7/4/2008 9:40:53 AM | comprising, settling, foregoing, accepting, learning to live with....it's all the same thing.
I absolutley love to read all the women's reasons for a simple 'comprising' that they couldn't tolerate beforehand  ....please continue! | |
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| Settling - A different perspective
Posted: 7/4/2008 9:53:26 AM | | I don't believe in settling, not when it comes to love. If I fall in love with a man, how is that settling? He may not be the handsomest man on earth, or a millionaire, or 'perfect', but he is the person who won my heart. To me, that isn't settling. It's winning the lotto, grabbing the brass ring, and what about that would be considered settling? Now, if I stayed in a relationship with a man I didn't love, just so I wouldn't be alone, that is settling. And, never in my life, would I do such a thing, either to myself or someone else. Just because 'my man' may not be what other women would want, certainly doesn't mean I'm settling. It means I've been lucky enough to find the man who is right for me, and all those other women don't know what they are missing! | |
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| Settling - A different perspective
Posted: 7/4/2008 9:53:27 AM |
comprising, settling, foregoing, accepting, learning to live with....it's all the same thing.
Ok, so where do we go from here? Don't we all compromise in relationships. If compromise to one person is settling to another, wh0 really cares, right? | |
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