| Would you date a sperm donor?
Posted: 7/4/2008 6:27:32 AM | I've been looking into sperm donation - I donate blood regularly anyways, and it's the same principle to me. Someone else needs it, I don't. Sounds like a no-brainer.
However... Someone that I had a relationship with in the past got very uncomfortable with the idea when I mentioned it to them. She even went as far as to say that if I went ahead with it, I shouldn't expect to ever have children with them. I never managed to get any real explanation of why they felt that way, but just wanted to get a feel of how common it is to have an issue with that.
So do you feel possessive about your boyfriend's sperm? Would it creep you out knowing that there was potentially some of your partner's offspring running around that you didn't know about? Of course, in the UK now any new donations can be traced to the donor once the child turns 18; I don't have an issue with this, but would you be concerned about a young adult contacting your partner in the future and telling them they're related? Or do you have another issue with this? | |
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| Would you date a sperm donor?
Posted: 7/4/2008 7:01:54 AM | I just read an article in a major women's magazine where these grown adults and teens are now out looking for their ''fathers''. They feel a piece of them is missing and want to find their father and possibly have a relationship with them. So, this is a possibility when you donate sperm. You have children out there. some men have several. Are you prepared to have them look you up one day, hoping for some type of relationship? Now imagine your wife someday, your kids some day and how they will react when your ''other'' children perhaps show up.
I can understand why someone would be hesitant to get involved with someone who has children out there somewhere. | |
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| Would you date a sperm donor?
Posted: 7/4/2008 7:05:06 AM | A very interesting subject.
I have met a couple of ladies myself who have had problems with the idea.
One basically tried to take the ethical route, and say that it's wrong to let [women] (as her word was rather less flattering) go to a clinic and get pregnant at will. Went on about children out of wedlock and blah blah blah... yeah, that killed any chances she had. LOL!
While I personally would prefer to have children when I'm married... I don't find it "wrong" for those who don't. Accidents happen... some women are prepared to be single moms... whatever...
I'm not a fan of those who condemn others without cause.
Anyway... the other woman explained it to me as it being more about her own mindset, and inability to wrap her head around my having children out there...
She basically admitted that it would niggle away at her mind knowing that there were other women out there, having my children. Even though I'd never met these women, and never would... part of her felt like it was wrong somehow. Not quite cheating... but just something she couldn't get over.
That I could understand. I mean, for myself... the idea of there being children out there who are mine... but I can't see them or be with them... well... it's a little disturbing. Strong paternal instinct I guess?
Anyway... the idea of being a sperm donor appeals to me as, as the OP said... it's like blood, I can give it to help others... and I don't need it. Better than it ending up in a kleenex right? LOL!
I've been asked by three different women I know if I could either donate for them, or just get them pregnant. Because they wanted children, but couldn't (two were lesbian, the third's husband was infertile ).
It was extremely flattering to know that they would want ME to be the genetic father of their child. I mean, what better compliment can you get, right?
But, I wasn't able to go through with it. Because, unlike just being a sperm donor, and some random person you'll never know having your child... these were people I DO know... I would see them... and more importantly... I'd see MY child.
And I don't think I could handle seeing my child and not being a part of his/her life.
EDIT:
Raiderfan... that's a very good point...
Having this young adult come to you, telling you that they're your child... that would be difficult to handle for all invovled.
I mean, personally... I would feel like I owe them a lifetime of missed parenting... I would want to connect with them, learn about them... understand them.
And, if I was with someone, and we had our own children... that would be... difficult to deal with. How do you tell your child that they now have a brother or sister who isn't really their brother or sister?
And I could imagine the awkwardness for whoever I'm with at the time... having to deal with MY child from another woman...
It is a lot to wrap your head around.
VVV
I think that would probably be a Springer episode. LOL! | |
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| Would you date a sperm donor?
Posted: 7/4/2008 7:12:56 AM | | Oprah did a show on it as well. It's something I thought about way back when it became ''vogue''....even worse...I can see someday a talk show where kids who are biologically related got together and didn't know they were half bro and sis. | |
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| Would you date a sperm donor?
Posted: 7/4/2008 7:43:11 AM | Hmm, that's interesting. Adam's post covered just what I was worried about - that some women just find it 'icky'.
As far as the eventual contact goes, that doesn't worry me personally - I'd have no issues making it clear to someone that I consider them a blood relative, but NOT my own child. The 18 years of life shared with their real parents makes far more difference than some shared genes, to me. And of course, if my partner was unhappy about them contacting me, I don't have any legal obligations - under the HFEA's rules, I have to let them know who I am, but I don't even have to talk to them if I were to choose not to for the sake of my girlfriend/wife. I certainly don't have to take over the role of daddy. | |
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| Would you date a sperm donor?
Posted: 7/4/2008 7:53:23 AM |
have to let them know who I am, but I don't even have to talk to them if I were to choose not to for the sake of my girlfriend/wife. I certainly don't have to take over the role of daddy.
No, you don't. That said, most children have a natural curiosity of who their biological parent is. I believe that if that child choose to contact you, that the upmost sensitivity and respect should be given to that child. I doubt seriously any of them would want you to take on a parenting role in their lives, but perhaps in a friend role. If they are completely turned away, I wonder what the impact on them would be. That is why I don't take this whole situation lightly and would not dump feet first into a long term relationship with a sperm donor. .. Just something to think about. | |
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| Would you date a sperm donor?
Posted: 7/4/2008 7:59:03 AM |
If they are completely turned away
That was an extreme example - to not even explain the situation would be unacceptably rude! | |
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| Would you date a sperm donor?
Posted: 7/4/2008 8:01:06 AM | | It seems as simple as giving your stuff in a cup, but in actuality it could have far reaching effects on more than one person involved, that is all I am saying... | |
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| Would you date a sperm donor?
Posted: 7/4/2008 8:12:52 AM | well let me tell you how that feels from the child's point of view. I'll tell you my story.
My mom got pregnant as a teen, and at that time you HAD to get married. My birth father ended up cheating on her and they divorced. I was about two, so while i had vague memories of him, they were never clear. I was adopted by my stepfather and my real father did not come forward to claim me or block the adoption. My stepfather molested me for about 12 years. I don't recall a time when I was not being molested. Even after I put an end to it, he was super controlling and when i left home, he began the process of divorcing my mother, as he had no reason to stay...sick huh?
When I left home to be with my ex husband. I asked my mom about my real father, my granddad contacted him and i met him before i got married. I tried very hard to have a relationship with him for a few years, but it just never came to be. It never felt right, because I felt he was being forced into it. Plus, his wife resented me big time for coming back from his past. She once even refused to attend my daughter's bday party because my mom would be there...but she wasn't actually. When I told my dad my mom was out of town, his answer was ''well you should have told us we would have come''. I told him that his celebrating his granddaughter's birthday should have nothing to do with whether or not my mom was there. That what happened, happened 25 years ago and it was time to get over it. I think my father has tremendous guilt over what happened to me with my adopted father, but he couldn't even find words to talk about it when it was brought up.
I have lost touch with my father. Between his behavior with me, his rejection of me, and my adopted father's behavior, I have had a lot to deal with. I think I've done very well. I've dealt with it and put it in the past.
I'm changing my name in a month or so. I will drop my ex husband's name. some said why not take your maiden name. but my mother is not married to my adopted father anymore so why take it? and my birth father didn't want me so why take his? I'm looking forward to having the new name, and essentially a new identity.
Now do I feel like a part of me is missing? Yes. I do not know my father really, nor his family. I don't know my roots. Everything I grew up with was a lie and a farce. I dont' blame my mother nor my birth father, as they were kids trying to play grown up games. But part of me sometimes thinks about how certain lives would be different had I not been born. And I have told my mother before she should have had an abortion.
So think about it. Somewhere out there are YOUR children...by blood. Your DNA, your genetic roots, and they will be missing all of that. And who's to say that the woman or couple who have YOUR child are going to treat them better than you would? How would you feel if years later one or more of your children found you and told you what a crappy life they had experienced and in part blamed you for what you did?
These are all things to think about. I tell you my story because often we forget how the children are going to feel. We're very selfish these days, making and keeping babies we can't afford, or can't provide the best home for. I see kids everyday who are just so screwed up and many times it's because they dont' know their father, or have no father in their life. I know not every story is this harsh, and some kids grow up well adjusted and just fine. But it's still something to think about and consider. | |
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| Would you date a sperm donor?
Posted: 7/4/2008 8:32:30 AM | Would a child through donation rather not be born in the first place? Getting assistance from the HFEA is not a simple process; any family willing to go through with it would have to be quite dedicated, so the chances of them being born into a 'bad' family are minimal.
For the record, I'd very much like to eventually meet any people that I'm so closely related to. My "ideal" situation would be a similar relationship to a cousin, or a friend, as a previous poster put it. My point was merely that this was not the only path - but anyway, this is diverting from the original question somewhat. | |
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| Would you date a sperm donor?
Posted: 7/4/2008 9:16:43 AM |
Now do I feel like a part of me is missing? Yes. I do not know my father really, nor his family. I don't know my roots. Everything I grew up with was a lie and a farce. I dont' blame my mother nor my birth father, as they were kids trying to play grown up games. But part of me sometimes thinks about how certain lives would be different had I not been born. And I have told my mother before she should have had an abortion.
Wow, Raider. First of all I am sooo sorry about what happened to you. As a child who also had no choice of where she ended up, it pains me to hear stories like this, it really breaks my heart that people aren't more careful with their kids - you can't blame parents for not knowing, but by the same token - you can't help but be pissed off at them for not having at least a rudimentary sense of moral. And I thought I was the only girl ever to tell my mother she should have had an abortion (in my case it was for different reasons, but I said it nonetheless). I really never expected that anyone besides me ever said anything like that. Wow. Just blown away by this...
The only thing you can do as I have done is to break the cycle and be successful, and know no one had to help you get where you want to be. It makes you sort of a rock/island, but you can be proud that you did it despite the odds. | |
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| Would you date a sperm donor?
Posted: 7/4/2008 9:38:53 AM | OP - This thread needs balance. As far as I am concerned, even after reading all this, I say donate away! It would not bother me in the least.
A ridiculous portion of my family (like, 3/4) was adopted in some way. All of these stories are sad - but bad circumstances can happen if you are adopted or if you are born 'traditionally'.
If an 18 year old came to my husband later in life and wants to know him? C'mon in. I'll make you a steak. That can happen whether he donates sperm or not. I'm not marrying a virgin... | |
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| Would you date a sperm donor?
Posted: 7/4/2008 10:06:45 AM | ^^^I forgot to post to the OP - yes, it can come back to bite you on the ass so it's wise to really think about it, but I don't have a problem with it...but I don't want kids, so it's less of a concern for me over time than it may be for others.
Long as I'm not getting any of it, it's ok with me. | |
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| Would you date a sperm donor?
Posted: 7/4/2008 1:07:45 PM | Someone that I had a relationship with in the past got very uncomfortable with the idea when I mentioned it to them. She even went as far as to say that if I went ahead with it, I shouldn't expect to ever have children with them. I never managed to get any real explanation of why they felt that way - homunculum
Sometimes it can be difficult to articulate WHY we feel the way we feel & there are times when we might even feel angry
&/or defensive, being asked to explain why we feel the way we do. Feelings are feelings, they are not always based in
logic & sometimes we can't even find the words to exsplain them. But also, being asked to explain them, can make us
feel that you are criticizing our feelings or don't accept them as being valid, because they don't agree with yours. That is
my experience, although the subject was different; I thought that perhaps this perspective might be helpful to you.
It might be that she had never dated someone divorced, or who has children & is not comfortable doing so. It might be this,
or something else entirely. Since she couldn't or wouldn't clarify it for you, all I can do, is guess.
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even worse...I can see someday a talk show where kids who are biologically related got together and didn't know they were half bro and sis. - raiderfan18
They actually did that many years ago, on All My Children. Erica fell in love with her (unbeknownst) half-brother.
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I'm changing my name in a month or so. I will drop my ex husband's name. some said why not take your maiden name. but my mother is not married to my adopted father anymore so why take it? and my birth father didn't want me so why take his? I'm looking forward to having the new name, and essentially a new identity.
- raiderfan18
I am happy for you, that you have dealt with the past & are moving forward in a positive way.
If you haven't chosen a last name (surname) yet, I have a suggestion that might be helpful. Why not look backwards in your
mother's family, what about her maiden name? Do you remember your grandparents? Or your great-grandparents, even? If
you go back several generations, you might find one that is a perfect fit, with you, your personality & your first name. I went
through a change of name, long ago & remember what a difficult process it was (I didn't change my maiden name, though). | |
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| Would you date a sperm donor?
Posted: 7/4/2008 1:35:42 PM | | I'm not sure it's such a good idea to just hand over a vial at a clinic because you don't know who will be recieving it. Are they someone capable of raising a child in an appropriate way? I do understand and respect a woman's desire to have a child. Maybe it's better donating to someone you know? | |
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| Would you date a sperm donor?
Posted: 7/4/2008 2:55:42 PM | At one time or another, (coincidently, it is often around “Closing Time” )
MOST men have been "Sperm Donors". | |
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~Kyn~
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Joined: 2/15/2008
Msg: 17 | |
| Would you date a sperm donor?
Posted: 7/4/2008 3:20:35 PM | Errrm...well I dunno if it makes any sense...but here's my opinion anyway.
If a guy was doing it before I came along...wouldnt bother me in the least.
Also wouldnt bother me if half a dozen or a dozen kids popped up 18 yrs down the track either.
Personally I wouldnt give my own "eggs" away to just anyone...but thats just me.
Once we were in a relationship...I dunno...I just wouldnt like the idea of it and I cant really explain why but it would definately turn me off a man.
I do wonder though...if donating sperm was a medical procedure in the same process as a woman who donates ova....and jerking off wasnt the foundation to releasing the sperm...if we'd have nearly as many sperm donors.
Id confidently predict...not. | |
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| Would you date a sperm donor?
Posted: 7/4/2008 3:43:53 PM | I guy I knew when I lived in another city told me one time that he was a donor. I thought it was kind of odd considering that he was married and had one child at that time, one on the way.. and he told me that he'd been *recruited* by an agency in California. He told me he'd fly down for the weekend, make a couple of *donations* and then fly home with a pocket full of cash.. and didn't tell his wife about it. Not sure if I believe him.. was an interesting story.
Would I date a sperm donor? Sure. Why not? They're people too.
Flipping this around slightly to the men.. would you date an egg donor?? Or a woman who was a surrogate?
Having donors out there, and children who were concieved by the use of donor sperm does pose some problems eventually. What if two people, a guy and a girl, meet while attending university.. they are from opposite sides of the country, or even the same city.. they date, fall in love, marry, have children and thru having children of their own find out that they are infact half-siblings... sharing the same father (or mother in the case of an egg donor)... what then? How would you feel if the person you were in love with, that you sleep with every night and wake up beside every morning is related to you?? Think how devastating that would be on the family. | |
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| Would you date a sperm donor?
Posted: 7/4/2008 7:37:54 PM | I tell you my story because often we forget how the children are going to feel. We're very selfish these days, making and keeping babies we can't afford, or can't provide the best home for.
Raiderfan I'm sorry for what you went through. Thanks for sharing your story. 
Sperm banks and the procedures for insemination are quite expensive. Generally the women/couples who use sperm banks make above-average incomes and are in a financial position to provide a good home for the babies. There is less likelyhood the children will be raised in poverty. I know there are no guarantees but at least the child has a good head start in life because their parents are both emotionally and financially prepared to have them; which is rarely the case with unplanned teen pregnancies. These children are wanted so much that their parents were willing to go to such extremes to have them. They've made a conscious decision to completely change their lives for these children---I see them as being more selfless than selfish.
To answer the OP's question: As I know several women who used sperm banks and have seen the good that came from it for both mother and child, I would have no issues dating a sperm donor. | |
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| Would you date a sperm donor?
Posted: 7/4/2008 7:52:31 PM | | Personally I wouldn't, for the simple reason i dont want to add any more complications to my life. But still it wouldn't be as complicated as dating or marrying someone with kids i suppose at least i wouldn't have an ex to deal with as well. | |
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| Would you date a sperm donor?
Posted: 7/4/2008 9:15:49 PM | I am not understanding the problem here.
First, unless he told me, how the hell would I know? Second, why would he tell me?
Do you all think these guys who donate sperm expect or want to see whatever becomes of their sperm?
If I donated my eggs so some couple (or a few couples) who haven't been able to have kids could do so, where's the assumption that I'd hunt down the users of my donated eggs and want visitations? Isn't donating his sperm pretty much the same thing? Don't guys donate to help other people have kids?
Why is such a gesture so distasteful?
I'm anemic, so I doubt anyone could use my blood, but I suspect my eggs would be most welcome. | |
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| Would you date a sperm donor?
Posted: 7/4/2008 9:50:00 PM | | I support women having artificial insemination so I'd be a hypocrite to say that I wouldn't date a guy who donated. I'd donate my eggs if they weren't expired. Just make sure you go through a place that protects your privacy so 100 teenagers don't come looking for you later. | |
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| Would you date a sperm donor?
Posted: 7/4/2008 9:50:18 PM | I don't really see why a woman you would be dating now or entering into a relationship with would really have a problem with it if it was a donation to help someone you don't even know. But I guess that's really a matter of personal opinion.
In the scenario Adam mentioned, the 3 women who he did actually know, I would probably feel a bit differently as I would think it almost inevitable that a close bond would form between the parents and child, even if the woman was married. So that to me would be more of an issue.
I had thought in the past of being an egg donor or surrogate mother as I knew a close friend who was having an awful time trying to get pregnant and desperate to become a mother and she and her husband would have been wonderful parents. After a lot of thought tho, I realized there was no way I would be able to live with knowing that a part of me was out there somewhere in the world and I would never have contact with him/her or be able to be a real mother to them. I still feel a bit selfish about it but I just don't think I could live with it. | |
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| Would you date a sperm donor?
Posted: 7/4/2008 11:41:28 PM | | This is just something I could not do. It's a very different thing then donating blood. The result of your sperm donation will be another human being . It will be your child. I couldn't date someone who would be comfortable having a child walking around out there who he knows nothing about, has nothing to do with and has no interest in. | |
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