| Playing Games With Sex
Posted: 7/4/2008 9:00:15 AM | Well, ladies and gentleman, what do you feel about people who play games with sex -- I mean use it as a control mechanism??????
I really hate this and I know this is something a lot of woman do but I have a B I G problem with it.
The last guy I was it, after an argument, rolled over and hugged his pillow to sleep. After about three days of this behavior I asked him point blank what the deal was. He said he felt we had "unresolved issues" and felt that sex would confuse things, especially since it was so good between us.
This is a person who naturally is very affectionate, cuddling, the works so I felt he was trying to use sex to get me to behave -- do what he wanted. You know, Sooooo you're not going to be nice, okay no cookies for you.
I say this because he also behaved this way in terms of withdrawing when he was upset in the past.
Any way this was a deal breaker for me because I don't do that. So we had ANOTHER argument about him wanting to control me and the relationship (and some other issues) and so I dumped him.
What does anyone else think about that? | |
|
| Playing Games With Sex
Posted: 7/4/2008 9:10:36 AM | Dumb him.....My Ex did that all the time, but she was worse.....we would be laying in bed & the foreplay intimacy would begin & she would roll over & say we have to discuss this or that....which of course occurred days or weeks before & in bed is supposed to be resolved....guess what, we didn't have sex, I felt totally squashed & it helped lead to the downfall in our marriage....NEVER STAY WITH ANYBODY THAT USES SEX FOR CONTROL !!!!  | |
|
| Playing Games With Sex
Posted: 7/4/2008 9:11:09 AM | So, he didn't want to have sex when he wasn't happy with the relationship ... are you sure this was a guy ?
Seriously, was he unhappy that you weren't willing to reach a mutual compromise or that you weren't willing to do things HIS way ? Big difference IMO. | |
|
| Playing Games With Sex
Posted: 7/4/2008 9:15:11 AM | So, he didn't want to have sex when he wasn't happy with the relationship ... are you sure this was a guy ?
LOL!!!  
Seriously, was he unhappy that you weren't willing to reach a mutual compromise or that you weren't willing to do things HIS way ? Big difference IMO.
Oh, no I am the ultimate compromiser. THe typical woman who wants to talk things out but I like to resolve issues. He, on the other hand, told me many times that he didn't want to talk about anything involving HIM -- we could talk about me and my issues all day long and that was fine, but talking about any mistakes he'd made or something that upset me "irritated" him. | |
|
| |
| Playing Games With Sex
Posted: 7/4/2008 9:17:22 AM | | LOL -- you know he even said that, that I was like a man in that way. Because he said he just "can't" if he's upset about something and I said I didn't see how being upset had anything to do with it and I could definitely separate the "act" from my being upset. | |
|
| Playing Games With Sex
Posted: 7/4/2008 9:21:39 AM | For some people, if they are having an issue about something with their SO it is really almost impossible for them to want to be with then sexually. They aren`t able to separate and are emotionally invested in the intimacy. Things have to be "right " before they can be one with you. Get it? But starting out foreplay and then stoppping in the middle , that is pretty bad. I`d call that controlling.
All the old people I know who have been happily married forever always have the same rule of themb. Don`t go to bed mad at eachother.
Issues need to be resolved, outside of the bed, if one of the partners can`t separate emotion form the sex. Sometimes you can and sometimes you can`t .Depends on how
your feelings are toward a person. For me If I had a FWB deal, not really that emotionally invested, it wouldn`t be that hard to separate and just go for the sex, even if I was a bit ticked off with him. If it was someone I really had feelings for and I was hurting, then it would have to be resolved before I would be comfortable making love.
I think it is the difference between making love and sex. In one there are feelings present, the other there is not. | |
|
| Playing Games With Sex
Posted: 7/4/2008 9:22:15 AM | Interesting choice of word : "act" ... makes me think of the When Harry Met Sally scene ... perhaps his denying sex wasn't such a great loss ?
 | |
|
| Playing Games With Sex
Posted: 7/4/2008 9:23:27 AM | Because he said he just "can't" if he's upset about something and I said I didn't see how being upset had anything to do with it and I could definitely separate the "act" from my being upset.
Actually, he might have a problem "getting it up" when he's upset about something, as opposed to those of us who can get it up at the drop of a hat. There's a difference between a guy not being able to perform because of stress over an argument or an unresolved issue, and a guy who just says "no" because it gives him control control. Same way there's a difference between a woman saying "not now, I have a headache" when she does indeed have a headache, and a woman saying that just so you'll leave her alone, but there's nothing physically wrong with her.
Manipulation by sex is ridiculous, and in my opinion, people who actually love each other don't do this kind of thing. | |
|
| Playing Games With Sex
Posted: 7/4/2008 9:24:41 AM | | I wouldn't want to have sex when I was upset, or impersonally. Sex has an emotional component. It is fine to have a random encounter that is impersonal, because there is no hostility inherent in being impersonal with a stranger. When you are close with someone and they treat sex that way, it is no good. | |
|
| Playing Games With Sex
Posted: 7/4/2008 9:36:32 AM | BlueskyJ took the words right out my mouth about never stick around anybody that uses sex for control.
I wouldn't stick around for that. Been there and done that | |
|
| Playing Games With Sex
Posted: 7/4/2008 9:41:27 AM |
Oh, no I am the ultimate compromiser. THe typical woman who wants to talk things out but I like to resolve issues. He, on the other hand, told me many times that he didn't want to talk about anything involving HIM -- we could talk about me and my issues all day long and that was fine, but talking about any mistakes he'd made or something that upset me "irritated" him.
And thats where the problem lies OP. It is a one way relationship, and that never works. Communication is HUGE in any relationship, and it is lacking BIG time on his part. | |
|
| Playing Games With Sex
Posted: 7/4/2008 9:51:04 AM |
He said he felt we had "unresolved issues" and felt that sex would confuse things, especially since it was so good between us. I don't see this as a sex game. Geez the dude wanted to resolve issues. Sure sex is an important component of a relationship, but it's not the only component, and isn't necessarily the most important component for a guy. So the situation resolved itself it seems, you dumped him because he didn't give you sex. I don't see this as a "control" issue, it's more a communication issue (or lack thereof).
we would be laying in bed & the foreplay intimacy would begin & she would roll over & say we have to discuss this or that....which of course occurred days or weeks before & in bed is supposed to be resolved THAT is a sex game. NEVER initiate foreplay in bed if you aren't interested in sex. Initiating foreplay in bed without following through with intercourse is manipulative and controlling. | |
|
| |
| Playing Games With Sex
Posted: 7/4/2008 9:56:15 AM | | Confucious say: Man who play games with sex end up playing with himself. | |
|
| Playing Games With Sex
Posted: 7/4/2008 9:56:54 AM | Geez the dude wanted to resolve issues. Sure sex is an important component of a relationship, but it's not the only component, and isn't necessarily the most important component for a guy. So the situation resolved itself it seems, you dumped him because he didn't give you sex. I don't see this as a "control" issue, it's more a communication issue (or lack thereof).
Actually, if you would have read what I wrote above in a response, he didn't want to resolve issues -- he didn't even feel particularly inclined to talk about them -- he said he found that irritating.
It was because of his resistance to resolving issues that I dumped him.
Actually, he might have a problem "getting it up" when he's upset about something, as opposed to those of us who can get it up at the drop of a hat.
No, that was NOT an issue, if you know what I mean.
I have to stress, when we had this discussion, this guy was NOT upset. In fact, we had spent all night the day before -- I mean until the wee hours of the morning talking about what HE had a problem with.
The problem lied in him having to own any responsibility -- he just wouldn't do it.
Since I didn't say, Yes, I'm bad and wrong and need to change he determined he still had an issue and was now sexually going to withdraw until the issue was resolved -- that was ME changing. I mean, this was very clear.
He actually said the sex is too good between us -- it might make us (meaning you) feel that everything is okay when it is not.
I have no patience or time for that kind of thinking. The poster who said never stay with someone who manipulates using sex is right.
Communication is HUGE in any relationship, and it is lacking BIG time on his part.
I totally agree!!!!! | |
|
| Playing Games With Sex
Posted: 7/4/2008 10:21:44 AM | OP, I totally agree - I don't play that game, either. Sex is supposed to be beneficial for both, but if you like/want sex more, or you have a healthier sex drive - the other partner can get passive aggressive with you when it comes to sex if they are that type of person.
I can have sex with someone I'm in the middle of an argument with (and yes, go back to not talking to them after it's finished), to me it's totally separate from whatever else is going on, and a man who drags the relationship drama into the bedroom's not gonna like my reaction. For starters, I don't have to go without just cause he's pouting - I've made that clear in my relationships and I'm not bluffing. I can get drama free sex elsewhere if I really want to.
One of the reasons I'd consider getting involved to begin with is that I get consistently laid when I want to - so messing with that is just gonna make me question why I'm bothering.
So, he didn't want to have sex when he wasn't happy with the relationship ... are you sure this was a guy ?
Yeah, tell me about it. This is one of the first things I thought the first time someone did this (arms folded and everything). If anything, I found it amusing - I find it hard to believe a man's gonna say no to sex...really....it's sort of, well stupid. | |
|
| Playing Games With Sex
Posted: 7/4/2008 10:31:10 AM |
I can have sex with someone I'm in the middle of an argument with (and yes, go back to not talking to them after it's finished), to me it's totally separate from whatever else is going on, and a man who drags the relationship drama into the bedroom's not gonna like my reaction. For starters, I don't have to go without just cause he's pouting - I've made that clear in my relationships and I'm not bluffing. I can get drama free sex elsewhere if I really want to.
One of the reasons I'd consider getting involved to begin with is that I get consistently laid when I want to - so messing with that is just gonna make me question why I'm bothering.
Djchickie -- you took the words right out of my mouth! | |
|
| Playing Games With Sex
Posted: 7/4/2008 10:39:48 AM | Dont look back, this behavior is not mere games, had you stayed, it is a very strong possibility abuse would come, this is a subtle form of abuse if your not intune with how it goes, it is not just physical ,,,mental and emotional can destroy,
Kudos to you for moving on,,,,there are good men out there, I dont have one but do beleive not all are the same,,,, | |
|
| Playing Games With Sex
Posted: 7/4/2008 11:35:05 AM | Actually, if you would have read what I wrote above in a response, he didn't want to resolve issues -- he didn't even feel particularly inclined to talk about them -- he said he found that irritating...It was because of his resistance to resolving issues that I dumped him. Hey it's your relationship, er, was your relationship, I wasn't there. However, if the dude in bed says there are unresolved issues, and he wasn't talking about those issues before, could it be that he was looking to communicate those issues with you? He initiated a conversation about those issues; he seemed inclined to discuss them with you--which is it, did he want to resolve issues or not? Seems like you threw out the baby with the bathwater.
this is a subtle form of abuse if your not intune with how it goes, it is not just physical Explain how wanting to discuss issues is being abusive; I don't follow the logic. | |
|
| Playing Games With Sex
Posted: 7/4/2008 12:06:54 PM | You can only be controlled if you allow it. I went on two dates with a girl that tried to vamp me and I just laughed. I'm not a horny dog that is going to be controlled.
If someone does that you dump them. Relationships are about love and kindness and so much more; not being controlled or controlling someone through sex. | |
|
| Playing Games With Sex
Posted: 7/4/2008 12:21:10 PM | I want to post here because I feel deeply that these issues are going to become more important to our society as economics become worse. These are just a somewhat educated opinion though.
Actually, if you would have read what I wrote above in a response, he didn't want to resolve issues -- he didn't even feel particularly inclined to talk about them -- he said he found that irritating.
It was because of his resistance to resolving issues that I dumped him.
I think you really hit the issue of concern here on the head with the quote above. With that stated, realize that this is only a one sided answer and can not be a complete answer due to lack of full framing from the other side.
First I'd say you did the right thing in dissolving a toxic relationship between the two of you. However, to do the totally right thing and come to a closure on the issue, I would inform your ex-partner of the reasons why you let him move on (Dumped) and that he needs to see a councilor in order to do so. Whether he does or not, is of no significances to you, but it does put the issue to rest for you in the best possible light.
Second, these types of relationships are toxic to both parties. Based on your statements, it is obvious that your partner has some underlying psychological issues that he needs to resolve with the help of a councilor if he is to truly obtain a lasting relationship with anyone. To the point, it sounds as if your ex-partner needs to get counseling on self- esteem, anger management and communications issues. He seems to harbor deep seated anger and self loathing to cut off sex as a means of communicating disagreement on any subject.
In the end, though I'd say that you might want to temporarily seek a councilor as well just to cleanse yourself of any negative residue from the relationship and reaffirm your balance. | |
|
| Playing Games With Sex
Posted: 7/4/2008 12:44:08 PM | Sex is unrelated to the problem.
Stating that you're not interested in sex, because of an argument is fine. No big deal. Happens all the time.
What your EX was doing was actively withholding affection as punishment and making a pretty big point of it as well. It is an extremely passive / aggressive way of dealing with issues. The behavior is most commonly seen in young boys trying to get their way with their mother.
Your EX has apparently failed to learn any other methods of resolving conflict in relations. I would expect this behavior exists in all parts of his life, it is extremely unhealthy, it is strictly used as conflict avoidance. I would even expect he is like this dealing with conflicts at the work place.
I would expect he is also the type of guy that does the "silent treatment" BS as well.
I would also expect he also goes out of his way to please women by choosing to behave as some women say men should behave. ** Never do this **
This problem will haunt him forever, until he corrects it. Typically in all relations he will encounter, it will appear he is getting his way, seem in control of the relationship but overtime the women will lose interest in him as a man and assume an overly dominate role in the relationship .... just like mom. Shortly afterwards the relationship ends.
This plays out like clockwork for men of this type.
ANYWAY, you can't fix him, he has to fix himself.
Just a guess, but I'm pretty sure you will see that pattern if you look at your relationship.
It's fixable ... you can simply ignore the tactics ... he will eventually try different methods ... Question: Is it worth it to you? Clearly every other women he was with didn't think so ... or he would already be fixed. | |
|
| Playing Games With Sex
Posted: 7/4/2008 1:53:40 PM | | A friend of mine told me a long time ago that he and his wife have their best sex after a fight or argument. | |
|
isoU
|
Joined: 6/15/2008
Msg: 25 | |
| There is the door and don't let it hit U in the arse.
Posted: 7/4/2008 2:01:27 PM | I have never and intend to never allow sex to control me.
If a woman used sex in my relationship she has already broke the covenant I share with her and she is no longer considered proper companionship.
I might reserve her to sex toy category.
Men that are female sexuality controlled are weak and deserve no respect from women or anyone else for that matter. | |
|
Home
login 
