| Are men better than women at not obsessing over the past?
Posted: 7/4/2008 11:05:27 AM | From a few threads I've read, it seems like you guys are pretty good at "the past is the past" mindset. I'm with someone now who was married in the past (I haven't been) and I find myself obsessing over this quite a bit. I know it's unhealthy, unproductive and immature. Any tips on how I can just get over this? It's starting to affect my mood and our relationship. FYI, I have no reason to distrust him or believe he is not over her.
Please don't be brutal. I already know it's a pointless and stupid thing to do, I'm just having difficulty stopping it.
Has anyone had to deal with this?
Thanks very much. | |
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| Are men better than women at not obsessing over the past?
Posted: 7/4/2008 11:22:55 AM | | If you are obsessing over it, perhaps the best solution is not to date people that have been previously married. Everyone has things that they can and cannot deal with, and now you are more in tune with one thing you cannot deal with. It doesn't make you a bad person, just human. | |
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| Are men better than women at not obsessing over the past?
Posted: 7/4/2008 11:41:19 AM | OP: First you must accept that the past is the past, and that no amount of time or energy will change that.
Then every time you start coming back to the topic, catch yourself.
Don't reprimand yourself, just say, "enough now", and use your time and energy for something positive - cooking, doing your nails, whatever. | |
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| Are men better than women at not obsessing over the past?
Posted: 7/4/2008 11:57:38 AM | Levis, thanks for the thoughts. It's just that it's something I know I should be able to deal with. I know it's irrational and am just looking for some tool/tips to get past it. It seems the more I feel for him, the more I obsess about it.
Thanks doodleboy. The don't reprimand part is actually quite helpful as I am being quite hard on myself for thinking about this so much. | |
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| Are men better than women at not obsessing over the past?
Posted: 7/4/2008 12:24:53 PM | From my reading on how women and men process thoughts and emotions differently, I don't blame you.
I don't know if it's true, I've never been a woman to compare thought styles, but it's just what I've read and have come to understand. (And I'm generalizing, everyone thinks differently) And do feel free to correct me if I'm wrong.
Men are more tunnel-vision thinkers. Linear.
Women are multi-taskers.
Men can do things to take their mind off what they were thinking about. If they're in a bad mood, they can do something else and not think about it, the mood passes, the poor mood is less important or irrelevant now. Your current mood and the issue don't match up, and you discard the issue. (Or you start thinking about the issue, and the mood returns as your mind synchronizes the event and the emotion. See, often, we really DON'T want to talk about things. Stop asking us to share our problems when we don't want to!  )
Men have the ability to think about "nothing." Just relax, zone out, brain is not engaged. Many women ask "How can you not think about 'anything'. You're always thinking about something!" No, not true. Most of us have the ability to shift the brain into neutral. Some women can as well, and some men don't know this "nothing" thing. "What are you thinking about?" Not a damned thing. That answer seems to not satisfy. "Nothing" is an acceptable answer.
If women are multi-tasking thinkers, they can't just suppress the thought until it goes away. It's there. If you go do something else, it's there. No matter what you do, it's there. I'm not a woman, so I honestly have no idea how to tell you to stop.
Men, try thinking about 3 things simultaneously. I don't know about you, but when I try just two things, it feels like something is going to snap. | |
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| Are men better than women at not obsessing over the past?
Posted: 7/4/2008 12:28:40 PM | I've got a saying
"Don't worry about the past it can never change, think about the present and future something that you can look forward to."
It helps me forget my God awful past. So I thought I might share it.
Best of luck to everyone  | |
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| Are men better than women at not obsessing over the past?
Posted: 7/4/2008 1:30:09 PM | This...
"If women are multi-tasking thinkers, they can't just suppress the thought until it goes away. It's there. If you go do something else, it's there. No matter what you do, it's there. "
(I'm not sure how to technically quote something on this forum)
Is so true.... It's just constantly there. I guess I need to find a way to make it go away....some way to get it out of my brain. I'd like to think it's just time, but it seems to be getting worse with time.
Thanks for thoughts everyone, I appreciate it. | |
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| Are men better than women at not obsessing over the past?
Posted: 7/4/2008 2:12:36 PM | Obsessing over the past or anything you can't control has more to do with emotional maturity rather than gender. I have known some men who are as high strung as any woman who constantly obsesses and I have known some women who deal well with these things.
At least you realize it is a pointless thing to do, now you just need to make it a goal to stop it and find out HOW to do so. There are techniques and philosophies you can pick up to help you with the how but you must have a strong why or it won't stick.
Most people so deep in this action just think how it should be so they don't see anything wrong with it. At least you realize there is more to life than pointlessly obsessing over things you have no control over changing or improving. | |
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| Are men better than women at not obsessing over the past?
Posted: 7/4/2008 4:46:01 PM | | one of my best friends is a man. he's still obsessing a year later about a girl who broke his heart. it comes and goes in spurts now. his most effective tool is to concentrate (as much as he can) on something else. i've also found that to be true. if i'm obsessing on something, if another "obsession" comes along (lol), then it quickly diverts my attention. ok, the best way is to find other things upon which to focus. the more interesting those other things are, the less you'll find yourself obsessing. best wishes. | |
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| Are men better than women at not obsessing over the past?
Posted: 7/4/2008 5:02:57 PM | Since I've never been one to sweat the small stuff, (and to me, that's "small stuff") so I don't know how to tell you to get past this...but I will tell you this: If you've found a great guy, don't screw it up over your own hangups that you admit yourself are irrational.
Figure out a way to get past it, because it has nothing to do with you or your relationship with him.
Finding someone wonderful doesn't happen often, if it ever happens, so don't drive him away over this! | |
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| Are men better than women at not obsessing over the past?
Posted: 7/6/2008 9:15:53 AM | | men don't think about much except for the immediate present and it is rare we think about human nature, psychological type of issues. women tend to think about matters of the human psyche more than us. we are more simple than you realize. | |
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| Are men better than women at not obsessing over the past?
Posted: 7/6/2008 11:16:06 AM |
Any tips on how I can just get over this? Don't indulge yourself when your mind takes you there.
When you recognise that you are having an unconscious, irrational thought - instead of following it down the garden path and imagining self-defeating worst case scenarios ... attack it with a conscious, rational thought.
Actively argue with the negative voices in your head, using your imagination in a Dan Ackroyd/Jane Curtin, Point/Counterpoint, "Jane, you ignorant slut... " kind of way.
Be relentless.
(I'm not sure how to technically quote something on this forum) Check out this thread: http://forums.plentyoffish.com/datingPosts148258.aspx | |
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| Are men better than women at not obsessing over the past?
Posted: 7/6/2008 11:21:50 AM | | I know that past is the past, because that is what it is. I could no more obsess over this fact than I could get all worked up over the color of an orange matching its name. Looking forward takes having something better ahead than what you already had. | |
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| Are men better than women at not obsessing over the past?
Posted: 7/6/2008 4:53:34 PM | I assume you are limiting this to relationship topics, because, boy, do men ever obsess about sports stats and crap like that!
As a generalization, I think men are better at burying their heads in the sand and NOT thinking about things that really have hurt them (that damn cave that Martians love to talk about). I'm not sure thinking about things is obsessing, but, okay, I'll go with your word. I DO think women try to solve the problems, or at least ID the problems--but that sometimes it cannot be done because they're trying to get in the guy's head and making up a scenario instead of learning the facts. In the end--none of it should matter unless you are trying to improve YOUR own self, and not blame or change the other person.
Then some of each gender obsess to the point of stalking, right? | |
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| Are men better than women at not obsessing over the past?
Posted: 7/6/2008 7:01:31 PM |
I assume you are limiting this to relationship topics, because, boy, do men ever obsess about sports stats and crap like that!  I love the generalizations!
I'll use me and the sports I'm into as an example.
Nascar, My favorite driver is Jr, so I know that he has one win this year, and is (I think) 182 points outta first behind that whiny baby busch.
Freeriding. I know who makes some good bikes, but probably can't name half the companies out there or more than 3 or 4 of the big riders. I know about 3 of the big parks, like Whistler.
Weight training/body building/power lifting.
Jay Cutler has always been my favorite in the area, and I know he's Mr Olympia, I know that Ronnie Coleman retired after 8 Mr O titles, and that Arnold wouldn't qualify for a single major event today.
Ipsc/uspsa/idpa, I know who all the top shooters are because I've met them and shot with some of em. Travis Tomassie (sp?) Jerry Miculek, Rob Leatham, all extremely nice guys. I can't tell you anything about their recent records, heck I don't even remember my current USPSA or IDPA classifications.
Krav Maga. About all I know is that it's the most effective hand to hand system on the planet.
Baseball is boring, football has turned into a whine B**ch and moan fest, Soccer, the guys are in amazing shape, who cares, go kick your ball. Basketball, uh, it's a lotta black guys, a couple of white guys, and the chinese bigfoot. yay! 
Yeah, I have a distinct lack of knowledge of most sports and stats. I think it's stupid to obsess over any of that.
Of course if you have any questions about modern tactical weapons, I'm your guy. If I dont' know it, I can find it out. But that's not a sport, it's business.
Lets not generalize to much, mmmmkay? | |
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| Are men better than women at not obsessing over the past?
Posted: 7/6/2008 8:17:50 PM | I would be a man that definitely has difficulty obsessing with the past. I kick myself still for dumb stuff I said as a kid. It is part of the highly-reflective, highly-driven personality. Of course, out of self-protest, I have wasted all of my Sunday on POF.
I don't care for self-help suggestions about mind control. They generally require a tremendous amount of emotional energy that needs to be placed in dealing with the problem instead of masking it.
I think you have a bit of work to do. I would sketch out what the basis of your frustration is for his previous marriage. Look back through the relationships you have had and your role models have had in your personal history. Are there occurrences that you are extrapolating to your current relationship? Once you have identified some of the problems, you probably want to write down your feelings and frustrations with the past, possibly talking about them with a counselor or a friend that has the ability to listen and comment without a personal interest in the outcome. After a while, you may be able to come to terms with whether the things that are bothering you are a killer for the relationship, or whether you can now discuss your feelings with your friend.
Notice, I didn't suggest that you talk to your friend initially about your discomfort. In my wee experience, I talked out problems that I had before I got married with my ex-spouse. But we never solved anything, we just got to the place that our feelings for each other glossed over the problems for the time being. Prep for real relationships that are going to last through menstrual pains, angry teenagers and cancer diagnoses really takes some work, particularly if some large red flags are waving at you. | |
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| Are men better than women at not obsessing over the past?
Posted: 7/6/2008 8:25:47 PM | I don't think you can get a true answer here. You'll have to sit, and think, and learn about yourself and how you work.
You can't ask someone else how to deal with your emotions. They're unique to you.
I'd suggest you delve deeper. Why are you feeling this way? Is there something that's happened to you that made you tend towards not trusting him, or towards not trusting men in this situation?
You can only control what you understand, and only you can truly understand yourself. | |
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| Are men better than women at not obsessing over the past?
Posted: 7/7/2008 12:23:09 AM | | I do think guys are better at putting things behind them without getting jaded because of being done wrongin the past. I have dated quite often and met a lot of women with heavy baggage. I don't lie or run around when in a relationship but you would be surprised how distrustful so many people can be. | |
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| Are men better than women at not obsessing over the past?
Posted: 7/7/2008 2:30:30 AM | It always cracks me up where Americans are obsessed with the past; even teenage years of the presidential candidates but in their own lives whatever sleazy things they do they want passes for.
The past is not the past; in fact, past behavior is the best compass to future behavior.
If someone cheats and then you date them, I'm sorry; I'm not going to date someone who has a history of cheating, or any other deal breaking activities. Its a history that shows very poor judgement and poor character.
People are so sleazy today; some have several dozen partners at very young ages. I dont want someone that has such little regard to sex and irresponsible behavior.
I've made mistakes in life but I've worked hard to do the right thing too. I did'nt do that so I can have people in business, or friendship, or my personal life mess it up.
If the past is the past, why do we have laws against pedophiles, thiefs, murderers, embezzlers, and many other situations where they can't hold certain jobs.
The U.S. has become such a cesspool of poor character that people want passes for it. Well not for me. I know some great people and they have the right to not allow that in their lives. To each their own though. If people dont care about others past, then they should just let it go. If you do, then you should not be a part of it. good luck. | |
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