| I wish I was there (My attempt at Erotica feedback welcome)
Posted: 7/4/2008 2:24:00 PM | I wrote this sometime ago and recently came across it again. I am currently debating about taking up writing again, and this time write a romance/erotica short story.
Please read my short story below and let me know what you think. Areas I can improve, areas that I show strength, or just overall comments.
Thanks for reading this.
Zander09
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I wish I was there...
I would slowly come over to you while you’re at your computer and brush the hair away from the left side of your neck and lean down and gently kiss your neck. Starting at where it meets the shoulder and kissing it 3 times, working my way up towards you ear. Once there I would whisper how much I love you and then move around behind you completely and wrap my arms around you.
Next I would lean to your other ear and tell you how much you mean to me and how happy you make me, then I would take my left hand and bring it up from holding you and gently turn your head to the right, towards me where I would gently kiss you on the lips, which would turn into a passionate kiss.
Following this I would reach down and take your head and pull you up to me and pull you in close against my chest and look down into your beautiful, beautiful eyes. I'd lick my lips in anticipation and squeeze you tight against me, feeling your breasts squish against me and enjoying the warmth and feeling of your body against mine. Then I would kiss you passionately on the lips but break it off quickly and move to kissing your neck and running my hands through the back of your hair.
After this it would be a must and I would lead you to the bed and let you lie down first and I would lie on top of you, letting our legs intertwine, our bodies would become one tangled mess, but one. We would be so close we could feel each other’s breath and feel the rise and fall of our chests.
I would kiss you repeatedly and begin running my hands over you back, feeling every inch of it and continually pressing you against me. I would even spend time gently caressing your lower back while, kissing your neck, sending shivers down your spine and making you 'jump' at each feeling.
After this I would and look deep into your eyes, letting my emotions for you show, letting you see how much you mean to me and how devoted I am to you, letting you know that you are my everything and that I would never do anything to hurt you. After this unspoken promise I would kiss you with all the emotion I could muster, holding nothing back, letting you experience my love for you, on a level that only you could, as my emotions for you surpass any I have felt so far in my life and I hope that they only continue to grow with you and for you.
While kissing you my arms would wrap around you and you around me, pulling our bodies tight together, feeling every muscle against each other. Then out of frustration or perhaps eagerness I would begin undressing you. First I would undo your bra and slip my hand up your shirt and gently begin rubbing one nipple. While continuing to kiss you I would do this and then lift you shift, and gently kiss and lick your nipple, in an attempt to make it erect, while rubbing the other with my free hand.
I would continue this for a few moments before alternating nipples, I would stop though and start kissing my way up and down your body while taking my now free hands and tracing them lightly over your back, if able to do so. I would then take off my shirt so I could feel the softness of your skin against mine, and the feeling of your breasts against me.
I would then pull you tight against me and force us to roll over, letting you be on top of me so I could gaze up at the woman I admire most and hold in the greatest regard. I would pull you tight against me and kiss you passionately, continuing to trace my hands over your lower back, while also playing gently with your hair, and caressing your neck.
Being near the end of my patience I would wiggle out from beneath you and move around behind and on top of you and just to torture you begin rubbing you back, giving you a massage to delay the pleasure you so desperately want. During the massage I would lean over you and breath softly on your neck and whisper my love for you in your ear. I would also run my hands over your sides and stroke the sides of your breasts, and play with your hair, then I would let me body fall completely on top of you and kiss you neck, waiting for you to turn and when you do I would kiss you passionately, and full of energy, while I stroked the breast which became available.
Then I would turn you onto your back and unbutton your pants and undo your zipper. Following this I would kiss you once more and then begin working my way down your body, stopping to kiss and gently suck on each nipple, before continuing downward. Once there I would slowly pull down your pants and underwear and kiss gently each new area of skin that became available. Then with a burst of impatience I would completely pull off your pants and toss them to the floor.
With the most beautiful woman now in front of me, completely naked and absolutely gorgeous I would run my hands over your entire body, running them up the inside of your legs and up your sides while letting my body fall against you. I would take a moment to look you in the eyes and tell you how much I love you before kissing you again on the mouth.
Wanting you to experience a great deal of pleasure I would kiss your neck softly twice before slowly going down your body, then once I reached your waist, I would gently force your legs apart and begin to kiss and lick your vagina. Concentrating on your lips, I would begin gently licking the sides and slowly working my tongue inwards. I would do it gently and not too quickly, letting you feel the movements. Then I would start working the outside and kiss, and lick gently upwards, pulling back the little skin and licking gently underneath it, gently flicking it with my tongue and kissing it. After a few precious moments there, letting your body writhe with the pleasure coursing throughout you I would go back to licking the sides of your lips and gently pulling them apart so I could lick you gently and lightly, letting you feel my tongues movement. Then deciding you had had enough down there I would go back up a little and pull back that skin again and begin gently licking that spot, letting you feel the flick of my tongue, which is moving slowly but not too slow. Staying down there, I would continue you licking that spot and occasionally sucking on it gently, for not too long. Feeling your body writhe with more and more pleasure I would continue, listening to your moans and gasps as it continues to send pleasure throughout your entire body. Your breath quickens and is coming in gasps, your eyes are closed and the only thing you can feel is the pleasure that’s being sent throughout you.
Eventually and almost quickly as everything is blurred into one exceedingly unique moment of pleasure, it comes. A sudden rush, the body quivers, tenses and at the same time relaxes. It hits its peek, a climax, and an exhilaration.
Slowly I stop and make my way up your body, kissing it gently as I rise. This time I ignore the breasts and land a few kisses on your neck before kissing you passionately on your lips and lying beside you. Letting you recover, I hold you close and kiss you on the cheek and forehead, obvious signs of affection.
Soon you begin kissing me again, nice long passionate kisses and I know its time. My own excitement is obvious and my anticipation extreme. Kissing you back just as passionately I feel you undo my belt and don’t argue, I help with the button, as I know you have trouble with them and quickly take off my pants and underwear. I feel your hand wander down my chest and quickly take hold of my already stiff and very erect penis. You begin stroking it and its more then I can bear. I quickly move over on top of you and slide between your legs and let you know that I want to be inside you. I place myself against you and gently push, not enough to gain entry but enough so you can feel me and tease you with anticipation. I feel you lunge towards me and try to pull me into you with your legs but I pull back and then when I feel your legs contract to pull me in I thrust forward, but not too hard as I don’t want to cause pain. I slide in perfectly and you receive a powerful thrust and immediately cry out in pleasure.
I hold in that positions letting you adjust to me and I to you. You feel tremendous as usual and I feel you start to move, but I resist not wanting to get myself too exited too quickly. But your movement spurs my own and soon we are moving together. I am pulling out almost as far as I can and then sliding back into you while you are thrusting against me. Again and again our bodies meet and I slam inside you, at a steady pace. The pleasure is intense for me and I know it will be the end of me but I quicken my pace and thrust into you as fast and as hard as I can. It lasts long enough. The pleasure is intense for both of us as we climax together. I collapse on top of you out of breath, out of energy, but we both know, only for now.
Zander09 | |
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| I wish I was there (My attempt at Erotica feedback welcome)
Posted: 7/6/2008 5:42:06 AM | For a first attempt at erotica it is very well written and thought out.
My only suggestion is that you change it from the "I would" do this and "I would" do that...... to more of what you have in other parts of your story.... and that is telling it as it is happening, not thinking about what you would do.
I hope that makes sense.... lol..... if not, please feel free to PM me and I will try to explain it better.
Whatever you choose to do, do not give up writing... you do have an excellent grasp on fluid transitions and articulate descriptions without going overboard. Well done!
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| I wish I was there (My attempt at Erotica feedback welcome)
Posted: 7/6/2008 2:38:37 PM | hmmmmmmmmmmm hiya.... for me reading your words....it feels like your giveing instructions, as in you useing the ..first.. and secondly .word s and then you useing ..I... too menny times. I place my self ,you write, i alleady know its you ther...so in dropping the I , and by writeing ...placeing my self...for me makes it more romantic
For me i like more romance .... inviteing me into your world of erotica ,building on romance to the hightend intencety of explicit errotica reading.... can give one a full BODY orgasem just from the words alone.
Feeling into the words as you are writeing them as tho you are makeing love, with your heart in it , then the reader feeeeeels you heart felt pressance .
As ii read your erotica as of now ,i feel you makeing love with your head, hence the instructuion...peace be with you Zander 09..keep up the good work ..looking forward to reading your next encounter of the Erotic Zander xxoxoxo.
 Denise | |
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