| He's found someone else now wants to be bestfriends with me.
Posted: 7/4/2008 8:22:08 PM | | After four years of being crazy in love with this guy and he with me( I thought) he's met someone else and wants to explore his feelings for her. He says we were perfect together. There wasn't anything about me or our relationship that was "wrong". Though my heart is completely crushed I can't be committed to someone who has feelings for someone else. We tried to go back to just dating with the understanding that I would start seeing other people, too, but I'm too in love with him to even look. Because we have so much love for each other still, we decided to stay bestfriends. How does that work? Any ideas? When I see him I still catch my breath, then I remember... | |
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| He's found someone else now wants to be bestfriends with me.
Posted: 7/4/2008 8:35:56 PM | | I think it won't work at all until you are over him and ready to move on. Mostly you are going to be driving yourself crazy about how he doesn't love you anymore and he's with someone else while he's going to get off on you being so crazy about him and he gets two for the price of one. Do yourself a favor and accept that he's moving on, even if he came back he'd probably move on again when someone new comes along, let him go. Let yourself go through the grieving process and and get your footing back, then if you want to be his friend, call him up, but for now, I think you aren't ready to be just his friend. Right now it would ba a lot like shooting yourself in the foot and wondering why it hurts so much, it's too new, too painful. | |
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| He's found someone else now wants to be bestfriends with me.
Posted: 7/4/2008 8:39:38 PM | eh eh. It does not work. YOU can not possibly be in love with someone, know he is with someone who took your place and suddenly switch gears in order to consider him a best friend, can you? Human beings are emotional creatures, not computers. You did not want things to end, this was not a choice you made, regardless of his interest in someone else, you are still in love with him, therefore further subjecting yourself to a relationship which is the complete opposite of what you REALLY want would be settling for SCRAPS, and if you continue to have contact with him, it will be unfair to all the parties involved, including his new girlfriend.
I would suggest letting him know that you will always have feelings for him and care about him as a person, but it is time for you to walk away and have zero contact at this point in time. You need to mourn the loss of this relationship, and having contact of any kind with him will only trigger off feelings of sadness. Let him explore this new relationship, and you do the same. Explore the possibilities that life has to offer. I am not suggesting that you go out dating, in fact that would be a bad idea. Allow yourself to heal and to accept this event in your life since you really have no alternative. When the dust settles, you will realize everything happened for a reason. Until that happens, try your hardest to be strong, and no matter what ups and downs you are faced with ......... love yourself.
Best wishes ! | |
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| He's found someone else now wants to be bestfriends with me.
Posted: 7/4/2008 8:51:06 PM | Can't be done. He's found the perfect way to keep himself in your head (he already knew he was in your heart). If you let him do this then not only is he disrespecting you but you will find your self-esteem will get lower and lower and before you know it you'll be accepting behaviour from him that is not acceptable. Then how do you think you'll feel about yourself?
It will be very hard for you, but you need to stop contact with him. I'm sorry for your loss and you will need to grieve it. Remember though you are grieving what you thought WOULD be rather than what IS. | |
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| He's found someone else now wants to be bestfriends with me.
Posted: 7/4/2008 9:12:50 PM | | You guys are great! What you've said are exactly what has been running through my head. Seeing it on paper really helps to KNOW what I have to do but my heart is telling me it will crack wide open and bleed out if I walk away from him. He is pretty much my only/best friend. Who will I talk to or do things with? I know this sounds pathetic but this is what my heart is whispering to me. | |
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| He's found someone else now wants to be bestfriends with me.
Posted: 7/4/2008 9:21:39 PM | hi
Honestly I`m no doctor phil (no your not crazy lol) but being in the friend zone really sucks so here are 3 golden rules to remember lol
a) they re are 6 BILLION people on this planet! so is he really worth the head case (I think not)
b) its not him thats special....you built a virtual world in your head!! (most ppl do its a natural thing)
c) YOUR THE TROPHY and he placed 2nd (basicly give your time to somone whos ahead of the competition...and YES he s out there lol)
takecare
simply_me07 | |
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eazk
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Joined: 9/8/2006
Msg: 8 | |
| He's found someone else now wants to be bestfriends with me.
Posted: 7/4/2008 9:33:24 PM | It can't be done until you're completely over him...and that is going to take time and separation. I am very good friends with a couple of ex-g/f's...but it didn't happen overnight. They had to shout, scream, vent...you name it. I got called some pretty ugly things...and one of the girls was a professional physcologist...didn't expect that from her.
But I talk to them when they're having b/f problems...or when they're not...whatever...we stay in touch. Never makes the current g/f thrilled when they call, but like Popeye, iyamwhatiyam. I'm past them, they're over me, but now, many months later we're friends. But don't try to start out that way...your heart will break 100 times a day.
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| He's found someone else now wants to be bestfriends with me.
Posted: 7/4/2008 9:38:04 PM | Perhaps because my own eyes are blue, I agree 1000% with how eyesofdeepblue put this:
...you are still in love with him, therefore further subjecting yourself to a relationship which is the complete opposite of what you REALLY want would be settling for SCRAPS, and if you continue to have contact with him, it will be unfair to all the parties involved, including his new girlfriend.
I would suggest letting him know that you will always have feelings for him and care about him as a person, but it is time for you to walk away and have zero contact at this point in time. You need to mourn the loss of this relationship, and having contact of any kind with him will only trigger off feelings of sadness. Let him explore this new relationship, and you do the same. Explore the possibilities that life has to offer. I am not suggesting that you go out dating, in fact that would be a bad idea. Allow yourself to heal and to accept this event in your life since you really have no alternative. When the dust settles, you will realize everything happened for a reason. Until that happens, try your hardest to be strong, and no matter what ups and downs you are faced with ......... love yourself. *emphasis added
Ayn, I think you've been given some great advice here. Not only from Eyes, but also from the others who've posted. I've been where you are, sort of (similar instant shift from being in love and planning a future to "this isn't working for me"), and I can tell you that right now you are faced with a choice of how deeply you will let your pain affect you. I urge you to do whatever you need to do to LOVE YOURSELF, VALUE YOURSELF. I made the mistake, briefly, of remaining in contact with the guy who broke off with me -- he kept calling me to see if I was o.k., to check up on me, and once even admitted he missed me. Boy! I can tell you, that REALLY clouded my mind.
Bottom line here, you have to accept his decision and act to protect yourself and your grieving process. You say that the two of you were so in love, but ask yourself: would someone who really, really loved me act in this way? I think you'll find that an honest answer is NO!
As Eyes said, cut all contact. Believe me, you can make a new friend to talk to, or you may discover now that people you've not thought about for a while will come back into your life. Life has a funny way of bringing to us the people who need us or whom we need. Pay attention. You have friends, if you look around you'll find them.
By the way, eazk makes some excellent points. I agree that, given time and some necessary perspective, you may be able to rebuild a different friendship with your friend. In fact, I'm "friends" with the guy I mentioned above. But the object of the friendship is not, nor will it ever be, to renew a relationship. If you give yourself time and space, you may be able to have the type of friendship with your ex that eazk describes. You may not. It all depends on so many irreducible variables. Give yourself time to decide what you really want, and space to let it happen if it will. You can't maintain a healthy friendship unless/until you are completely over the end of the romance. IMO.
Good luck. | |
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| He's found someone else now wants to be bestfriends with me.
Posted: 7/4/2008 10:42:52 PM | As everyone has said...it boils down to this. He used you, he didn't love you...he's asked you to be best friends because he may need to use you again, he stil ldoesn't love you.
It's so hard to walk from someone you've cared about, but you'll be a hanger on and not able to move forward if you allow him to still control your emotions toward him...it's so sad when things like this happen...I'm sorry you're going through it--get strong from it and tell him to shove off!! | |
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| He's found someone else now wants to be bestfriends with me.
Posted: 7/4/2008 10:55:25 PM | | well i think him asking to be *friends* with you is kind of a slap in the face. you weren't good enough to be his girlfriend but you are good enough to be his *friend*? i think i'd have a problem with that. also i'm wondering how he met this other woman? was he looking for someone else the whole time he was with you? that really doesn't make much sense to me especially if you are happy with someone | |
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| He's found someone else now wants to be bestfriends with me.
Posted: 7/5/2008 2:26:05 AM | He wants his cake and to it eat as well............
Go out meet new people and forget him ............he doesnt deserve you .
He will do the same to this new female , feel sorry for her because he will do to her what he has done to you .
Have some self respect hold your head up high and move on. | |
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| He's found someone else now wants to be bestfriends with me.
Posted: 7/5/2008 2:35:05 AM | WALK AWAY!
You said it yourself...
Though my heart is completely crushed I can't be committed to someone who has feelings for someone else.
If you are completely crushed, how can you give your heart to even friendship with the same guy who crushed it?
If you want any chance of a friendship long term you need to take some time by yourself away from him to completely repair your heart so the unknown "soft spots" that the crushing caused don't effect your judgment or your friendship without your control. These "soft spots" are messy and nasty and blow situations out of proportion and I can only imagine when you mix a "soft spot" with seeing your ex with his new gal.
It is best for you both. The guy sounds like he isn't emotionally matured enough for a real committed relationship if he pulled the grass is greener line on you and you took it.
He will give you all these excuses but that is because again he isn't emotionally mature enough. He wants you readily available in case the other side of the hill isn't as green as he thought, well until the next hill comes up. | |
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| He's found someone else now wants to be bestfriends with me.
Posted: 7/5/2008 4:20:58 AM | If I was you I would get as far as possible from this one as I could get. Sadly a lot of people are only to willing to pretend they still need you when in truth they don't. But it probably works for them to keep as many options open as possible. Waiting to see what happens next is a mugs game IMO , if someone else is chosen in preference to you that should be the end of it, and if someone puts or finds themselves in the position that they have to choose between someone else and you that should also be the end of it.  | |
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| He's found someone else now wants to be bestfriends with me.
Posted: 7/5/2008 5:55:16 AM | Hello OP...here goes my humble thoughts about yr situation.
Well I believe given yr feelings seem still so strong and alive. being best friends with him is not to yr emotional sanity's best interest.
Men are selfish...they know the pain they can cause us and they still do it.
Try to either cut it off or step aside and advise him you better be alone until he figures out his real deal. Enough of suffering for men that dont deserve us.
If he was so satisfied with you and him as a couple...why he looked elsewhere?? Something there doesnt add up. He might be the kind that suddenly needs validation of his sexuality and starts looking for women to do it for him. I dont know.
Remember being in love is good...you love him...but now you have to see how under the circumstances you can relate to him. You and only you has to set up the blueprints.
I will pray for you to have the least pain...
Also dont be so sure of his love for you...by now its fractured.
Take care. | |
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| He's found someone else now wants to be bestfriends with me.
Posted: 7/5/2008 6:43:29 AM | It doesn't work.
You are still in love with him. He's NOT in love with you (no matter what he's telling you) or we wouldn't be having this discussion.
What he's attempting to do is keep stringing you along in case it doesn't work out with his hot new thing. He KNOWS you can't go out with anyone else right now, because he knows how you feel about him. So in light of that, I think you should FORCE yourself to go out with people, and let him see you doing that.
The "best friend" thing will last only till he is sure the thing with the new girl is going to work, then you'll be history. He just wants you to sit on the back burner while he plays around for awhile, and then when he's done with that, he'll either move on with her, or try to come back to you. Are you going to let him get away with that?
I know you are sad, but this is the time to get your MAD on, and tell him you can't be friends with him, and good luck with his new squeeze...and then (and this is the hardest part of the advice that no one ever takes) cut off contact with him completely!
If you don't, he's going to keep tossing you a few crumbs at a time, just to keep your hopes up, just to keep you safely in his hip pocket for "just in case" the time comes when he needs to come back to good old "safe" you.
Let him know you aren't going to sit around and wait on him. Saying "I still love you, but I want to go screw this girl for awhile, while I decide whether I want her or you" makes him the worst kind of slime, and you cutting off contact with him will put YOU in control, not him. Take YOURSELF out of his little game. And then sit back and wait for him to get what's coming to him...because I firmly believe that what goes around comes around. | |
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| He's found someone else now wants to be bestfriends with me.
Posted: 7/5/2008 6:56:50 AM | | OP - classic case of he doesn't want you but doesn't really want you to completely move on either just in case he changes his mind down the road...it's all about him. Cut off contact and give yourself time to grieve and heal, then move on. Maybe some day you can be friends after you've gotten over him. | |
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| He's found someone else now wants to be bestfriends with me.
Posted: 7/5/2008 7:11:31 AM |
After four years of being crazy in love with this guy and he with me( I thought) he's met someone else and wants to explore his feelings for her.
Shocking! This never happens.
He says we were perfect together.
Right. Who wants a perfect relationship anyway? If you can't tell when people are lying you're too naive.
There wasn't anything about me or our relationship that was "wrong".
Do you do your nails right after you have done your nails because nothing was "wrong" with them?
Though my heart is completely crushed I can't be committed to someone who has feelings for someone else.
I know this might sound cold: But why is your heart crushed? No, really? Write a 2500 words essay on why your heart is crushed and see what you think at the end of it.
Because we have so much love for each other still, we decided to stay bestfriends. How does that work?
Shouldn't you have answered the question before you "decided" to stay best friends? | |
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| He's found someone else now wants to be bestfriends with me.
Posted: 7/5/2008 7:17:47 AM | Friends w benefits....he thinks that he is all that and a bag of chips that he needs to SHARE his goodwill to others...they won't tell you of course because in the beginning..the focus is on each other..getting to that intimate goal that make you ..feel good about yourself and your partner.
It's getting closer and closer to the STEPFORD WIVES manipulations that we as women have to comply with her partners demands..he will seek others to replace her or stay and compliment HIM. I am not saying it's all MEN..it has crossed over to many women who have been in relationships but choose to compliment her needs with other men in her life. Is this moral? or just a selfish pleasure seeking adventure?
When your mindset we live by is from the old school..meeting, dating, engagements, marriage, children, retirement.
The wide world web has changed and we are still in the same mindset..yes, it hurts when you experience the NEW relationship of Friends w benefits..
Either you embrace it or find a person that has the same old school mindset and hope for the best....good luck | |
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| He's found someone else now wants to be bestfriends with me.
Posted: 7/5/2008 7:30:01 AM | | I couldn't have said it better. Except for the fact that you probably will never be friends. Why would you want to waste the effort and energy on being friends with someone like that? This type of behavior is called "lack of respect". | |
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