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| Is my Ex Moving on???
Posted: 7/5/2008 6:36:16 AM | | Hi, me and my ex split nearly 4 mths ago now, was a really quick breakup...within 2 weeks I was back living with my parents and hardly had any contact with him as it was too painful, after a couple of months we started trying to be friends for our kids sakes, he declared his love for me but told me he wasnt ready for a relationship with me or with anyone,even though we had been together 6 yrs!!! anyhows I realise now it was dead for a long time, he didnt love me deep enougth like I did him and loads of other reasons meant we had to split. However my problem is that he tells me he doesnt know what will happen in the future between us, this confuses me as I am not sure if it is just a yarn so that I hang about and wait for him or if its just something he says to make it easy for him as its his fault we split up in the first place. He also likes me to go to his family get-togethers etc like bbqs,birthdays,engagements etc and I dont understand why???? also he still likes me to choose clothes for him, after-shaves etc and I find this strange really. He rings or texts me everyday asking how I am and it just delays me moving on. Why does he do it???? I forgot to mention in the time we didnt speak after wesplit up rumours had it he had a new gf he denies this saying she was just a friend and soon as I found out he stopped been friends with her, I actually think me finding out ended whatever he had with her. Any advice will do great as I think one min he loves me and wants me back then other times I think he just doesnt want me moving on etc. I am nto going back with him thats for sure as I have many reasons why I wouldnt xxxx | |
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| Is my Ex Moving on???
Posted: 7/5/2008 6:42:09 AM | | If you have many reasons why you're not going back, and you're so sure about that... don't bother wondering why he does anything. | |
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| Is my Ex Moving on???
Posted: 7/5/2008 6:57:42 AM | He rings or texts me everyday asking how I am and it just delays me moving on. Why does he do it????
BECAUSE YOU ALLOW IT.....................And yes I am yelling.........
You are allowing him to stay in his comfort zone. Time for you to move on. Do I say there is no possibility of your ever getting back together? No I am not. But, its not likely and in the meantime you are stuck!!!!!!!!!!!! Move on.........you not only need, but you deserve a life. You need to set clear boundries. If he has a family function , let him pick up the kids..........for some reason it appears he wants his family to think you are in agreement with him and everything is ok. It's not OK.... your not together.
And it doesnt matter if he is moving on or not............you need to..........he is no longer your concern except as the father of your children.........
GOOD LUCK | |
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| Is my Ex Moving on???
Posted: 7/5/2008 7:01:23 AM |
Is my Ex Moving on???
Are you moving on? That's what you should be asking. | |
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| Is my Ex Moving on???
Posted: 7/5/2008 7:15:29 AM | I think the bigger question is-are you allowing him to hold you back? I was with my estranged spouse for 15 yrs and we've been apart for over six yrs now. He and I had a bad split, but eventually came to terms with each other and are friendly. Recently he told me he wanted me back, but I explained to him now, as I did then, that I no longer have any romantic feelings for him, but I do want to remain friends.
When you have a history together, for some people, it's harder to let go and move on than others. I didn't let any of his actions hinder me from moving forward with my life. I wish we could have worked things out, but quite frankly, I'm much happier now than I was then and I'm wise enough to realize that going back isn't going to work. The issues that resulted in the end of our marriage are still there and that is the biggest reason why trying to reconcile won't work ( besides we tried that too, and it failed).
If you ALLOW him to call daily-text and continue to do things for him as you once did things will continue, unless you clearly stop the contact unless it is in regard to any children you might have. He sounds as if he wants his cake-ice cream and to eat it too. It WAS very hard at first for me to simply just let it end-but when I realized it was over I accepted that fact and moved on. Has it been easy-nope, but for my peace of mind and well-being I had too. Getting involved in long standing relationships seems very easy, but the hard part is when what was once wonderful ends and either one or both parties are left fragmented and unsure of where they stand.
I will always love him for the man I fell in love with-but the man he became while we were married I want no part of any longer. It took me a couple of years after our break-up to really see that, and seeing you haven't been apart that long give yourself some time to reflect on all the issues at hand. Sometimes, even if you can't be with the person, they often times can't let go or the idea of you moving on to another is very painful. Have you and he sought any counseling? Do you think you two could reconcile? I did try counseling and a brief reconcilation to make sure what we were doing was for the right reasons before I tossed in the towel.
I know in my heart I did what was best for me and my children, and I sleep very well at night knowing I did all I could, on my part, to see if we could fix things. I wish you the best-and if you want to move on, or you need him t00-than be honest and tell him how you're feeling. Hopefully, he'll get the message. | |
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| Is my Ex Moving on???
Posted: 7/5/2008 7:31:12 AM | op,as with most break-ups the transitional period takes some adjusting too.[aka game playing,growing up, etc]
And needless to say ones behaviors can scan the zenith, from grasping for straws, acting like nothing happened to break-up remorse,etc. There are many people who play act and make it all sound like , oh well,'shit happens' and go about their life,
but to me these folks are bit on the spacey side.[aka denial,or other delusional behaviors]
You can point all the fingers at each other but it won't put 'Humpie Dumpie back together again while each other is taking jabs at each other for the failed relationship.
There is no quickie fit in this state of being, as time, healing, and getting some help to help you move on to the next chapter in life. | |
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| Is my Ex Moving on???
Posted: 7/5/2008 7:33:44 AM | | Hi Mary, thanks for replying. I had counceling but he wouldn't have any part in it, there was always trust issues with him,he just lied all the time and I do think he cheated on several occasions and the fact he gambled and drank everynight and was always out with his mates as they seemed to mean more to him than I did. The reasons I wont go back is because I always came last, and he was emotianally hurting me all the time. I realise I deserve better however I do still love him but know it would never work. thanks everyone for your replies xx | |
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| Is my Ex Moving on???
Posted: 7/5/2008 7:41:16 AM | ~OP~ I'm a little confused I think. It reads to me that you already know the problem (you love him more than he did you) and that he supposedly has a "friend" who is just a friend. Have you met this "friend" ???? I learned the hard way that is just a term we (the one on the other end) are told as a cover-up. If you don't know her, yet she has been in his life, chances are there is more to it than just friendship. When my ex pulled the "friend" lingo, I said to invite her to dinner. Well, that didn't happen ~ I moved him to her house instead ~ oddly I was never invited to dinner. Can anyone say, "More than friends." ????  Truth be told, he wasn't good for me in the end, I certainly wasn't good for him. Sometimes the toughest pill to swallow is pretty simple: time to move on with your life for the sake of your children and yourself. He needs to be placed in the "it's over" category. You need a life and it's too short to wait around on someone that isn't at the same place you are. Sorry OP ~ I'd be getting myself together, loving my child(ren) and letting him have his friends, without me. JMO  | |
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| Is my Ex Moving on???
Posted: 7/5/2008 8:26:45 AM | after a couple of months we started trying to be friends for our kids sakes, he declared his love for me but told me he wasnt ready for a relationship with me or with anyone,even though we had been together 6 yrs!!!
You were together for 6 years yet HE isn't ready for a relationship???? That doesn't even BEGIN to make any sense whatsoever.
he tells me he doesnt know what will happen in the future between us, this confuses me as I am not sure if it is just a yarn so that I hang about and wait for him
You need to ask yourself why in the world you are waiting for him?? I certainly would not. - Move on with your life - put one foot in front of the other, care for your children, and take on new interests, get a new change of scene, new hobbies, join a sporting league or club, volunteer, and make some new friends in the process.
He also likes me to go to his family get-togethers etc like bbqs,birthdays,engagements etc and I dont understand why???? also he still likes me to choose clothes for him, after-shaves etc and I find this strange really. He rings or texts me everyday asking how I am and it just delays me moving on. Why does he do it???? I forgot to mention in the time we didnt speak after wesplit up rumours had it he had a new gf he denies this saying she was just a friend and soon as I found out he stopped been friends with her, I actually think me finding out ended whatever he had with her.
Now since you have children with him, I can see possibly attending or making an appearance at family functions to make sure your children have good relationships with "his side". - Grandparents, favorite aunties, uncles, cousins, etc. But to attend as his wife or girlfriend is not appropriate for you since it is supposedly (as he declared it) over and he is with someone else. - Better yet, drop the kids off at these functions and come back for them later as long as you are confident they will be safe with his family.
He rings and texts you everyday to see if you are seeing someone new and making sure you are "free" as he wants to make sure you are in his "back pocket" just in case this new inamorata doesn't work out. In other words, he will come crawling back to you begging you to resume the relationship. - My advice on that is forget it. Sure, he will ACT contrite and apologetic, but believe me hon, will be all an act. I've been there and done that. It was hard not to go back, but I was able to stick to my guns and so will you. I certainly did NOT want to be put into a position of "reconciling" and wondering when he would walk out again. It's no way to live as I have seen many of my friends to through something of that nature.
Only communicate with him when it concerns the children. It will take a while to obtain this skill, but talk to him as if you were speaking with a business associate, co-worker, banker, etc. Do not talk with him in a social manner and if he asks if you are seeing someone, just tell him that you don't feel it's appropriate to answer that question. - In other words, it's none of his business what you are doing in your personal life. When he has the kids for visitation, make sure you send everything they need, drop them off, hug them and wish them a wonderful time and mean it. Do not use your kids as messengers and grill them about their dad when they return from their visit. Yes, it will be difficult at first, but in time you will be able to do that as second nature.
I had counceling but he wouldn't have any part in it, there was always trust issues with him,he just lied all the time and I do think he cheated on several occasions and the fact he gambled and drank everynight and was always out with his mates as they seemed to mean more to him than I did. The reasons I wont go back is because I always came last, and he was emotianally hurting me all the time. I realise I deserve better however I do still love him but know it would never work. thanks everyone for your replies
It is my hope that you would continue counseling and also find a support group for yourself. There is a group called divorce care out there - the website is http://www.divorcecare.org and the site has some wonderful resources and can help find a confidential group near you. - Check it out. - A friend of mine attended it and benefited greatly from it. Yes, it is very, very difficult to take a look at your own backyard and deal with your issues, but in the long run, you will be MUCH better for it.
Since you have these trust issues with him, you need to ask yourself several serious questions:
1. If you go back to him, are you willing to live in an environment where you don't know where he is, still gambling, drinking, cheating, etc?
2. Do you want to live in an environment where you will be wondering when he will walk out next and with whom?
3. Do you really want to subject your kids to that type of environment? What is best for them? Can you as a couple provide any stability for them when you yourself are wondering what he will do next?
Remember, divorce is clear. Living in a troubled home is not.
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| Is my Ex Moving on???
Posted: 7/5/2008 1:41:59 PM | | Thankyou Renagade, your advice is great, I understand what your saying..thankyou :O) xxxxxx | |
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| Is my Ex Moving on???
Posted: 7/5/2008 2:49:22 PM |
Hi Mary, thanks for replying. I had counceling but he wouldn't have any part in it, there was always trust issues with him,he just lied all the time and I do think he cheated on several occasions and the fact he gambled and drank everynight and was always out with his mates as they seemed to mean more to him than I did. The reasons I wont go back is because I always came last, and he was emotianally hurting me all the time. I realise I deserve better however I do still love him but know it would never work. thanks everyone for your replies xx
OP This account of your relationship differs greatly from your original posting. He treated you like this for six years, yet it was him that decided he wasn't ready for a relationship??? What does this say about the level of respect you have for yourself as a person? I don't mean to be mean, but this was probably part of the problem in your relationship. If you don't have any respect for yourself, don't expect others to treat you respectfully. You have to believe that you are WORTH better, then others will start to treat you accordingly. | |
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| Is my Ex Moving on???
Posted: 7/5/2008 3:16:03 PM |
applecandy
Joined: 11/14/2007
Hi, me and my ex split nearly 4 mths ago now
*is confused*
*counts on her fingers*
Let's see... uhhhmmm... July 5th... one month ago was June 5th... two months ago was May 5th... 3 months ago was April 5th... and 4 months ago was March 5th....
So... you two broke up some time in early March, yes?
And yet you joined POF back in November... while still being in the middle of a 6yr relationship.
Seems to me that the dude was not the only one who had problem committing.
*shrugs*
Dunno.
Never came to my mid to join dating site WHILE in a relationship... only when I am single and looking for dating... Maybe it's just me...
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| Is my Ex Moving on???
Posted: 7/5/2008 4:22:04 PM | | Excuse me redcassandra, before you make accusations ask firstly!!!! I have mentioned trust issues regarding my ex, I didnt want to have to detail every part of my last relationship on this site. I will explain now though, I joined this site in the beginning because My ex partner had viewed this site, at the time I knew he was/had been talking or meetingt women off some sites on the net!! I wasnt sure if it was this site or not. I registered looking for him and found him on koptalk.co.uk I started using this site after we split, im sure this has answered your theory. | |
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| Is my Ex Moving on???
Posted: 7/5/2008 4:29:27 PM | OP This account of your relationship differs greatly from your original posting. He treated you like this for six years, yet it was him that decided he wasn't ready for a relationship??? What does this say about the level of respect you have for yourself as a person? I don't mean to be mean, but this was probably part of the problem in your relationship. If you don't have any respect for yourself, don't expect others to treat you respectfully. You have to believe that you are WORTH better, then others will start to treat you accordingly.
Hi, I obviously have not explained properly, my last relationship started to go wrong 2 yrs ago, at the time I thought his constant chatting to girls on net, and mobile was due to him just been depressed and I tried invane to forgive and forget as at the time we had been happy for 4 yrs, things from then on escalated I guess I didnt respect myself enougth by staying with him for a further 2 yrs but I did because we I thought could get better again but it didnt happen that way, I just didnt want to give up I wanted to see it through and try and keep our family and he and I together. | |
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| Is my Ex Moving on???
Posted: 7/5/2008 4:43:39 PM | Congratulations, OP, on leaving a dysfunctional relationship. You, yourself, in almost every one of your forum posts, make reference to the demise of that relationship, so I can only guess at what kind of pain and anguish you've experienced in the past 2 years.
BUT,
Now that you had the brass to actually exit (and it doesn't matter here who "dumped" whom), don't get caught up in the dysfunction from afar. Time and some divorce care classes, even just one-on-one counseling FOR YOU -- all of these things will be helpful in assisting you to do what is now the most important work of your life:
Make a life for your children, for yourself, and grow beyond the drama of your ex and the relationship you had with him. Develop some healthy patterns of relating to men before you get into another serious relationship. Give yourself time.
And don't mind Red, she's just keepin' ya honest! If any one of us is truly honest with ourselves, we can see our own part in the breakdown of relationships, whether in our original bad choice of partner, our own weaknesses and failures to communicate, and a myriad other things. It's important to be able to do this, and the forums would be almost meaningless if all everyone did was to pat you on the back and nod helpfully, but dumbly. | |
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| Is my Ex Moving on???
Posted: 7/5/2008 4:51:05 PM | And don't mind Red, she's just keepin' ya honest! If any one of us is truly honest with ourselves, we can see our own part in the breakdown of relationships, whether in our original bad choice of partner, our own weaknesses and failures to communicate, and a myriad other things. It's important to be able to do this, and the forums would be almost meaningless if all everyone did was to pat you on the back and nod helpfully, but dumbly.
Yeah hunni I understand what you mean, I think the mistakes I made was that I gave him too much lead way, letting him do what he wants as I didn't like confrontation and I liked to see him happy, but this just gave him opportunities to do whatever he wanted xxxxxxxxxxxxxx | |
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| Is my Ex Moving on???
Posted: 7/5/2008 6:37:21 PM |
Excuse me redcassandra, before you make accusations ask firstly!!!! I have mentioned trust issues regarding my ex, I didnt want to have to detail every part of my last relationship on this site. I will explain now though, I joined this site in the beginning because My ex partner had viewed this site, at the time I knew he was/had been talking or meetingt women off some sites on the net!! I wasnt sure if it was this site or not. I registered looking for him and found him on koptalk.co.uk I started using this site after we split, im sure this has answered your theory.
I did not accuse you of anything.
I noticed inconsistency and pointed it out.
Now if you had to join the dating site just to keep an eye on the guy, and he was meeting women from here then you are better off without him.
THAT makes whatever he is telling you now even less relevant. I would cut him off out of my life in an eye blink.
If you have 2 years of disfunction behind you, who cares if he is moving on or not. YOU should be moving on, so you would not waste more of your time.
Take locario's advice about not letting yourself being dragged into disfunction from afar... and read this once again, it's a good suggestion:
Make a life for your children, for yourself, and grow beyond the drama of your ex and the relationship you had with him. Develop some healthy patterns of relating to men before you get into another serious relationship. Give yourself time.
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| Is my Ex Moving on???
Posted: 7/5/2008 6:49:10 PM | All I know is that when a man wants a woman, he stas by her side regardless.
This doesnt seem to be you.
He's moving on, and not only that, but he's even got a back-up plan... YOU!
I wish you the best... | |
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| Is my Ex Moving on???
Posted: 7/5/2008 6:49:59 PM | Janet's response was dead on. YOU realize that there is no going back and that YOU don't want him, what he does is immaterial outside the fact that you need to create boundaries even if they are just in your own head.
If you don't want to talk to him, then keep communication to the children. If it doesn't bother you to do him a favor as you would another male friend with the picking out clothing or aftershave, you can do those things knowing that they mean nothing to you regardless of what they mean to him.
If you are going to the family things because of your kids you can still go to them because you know that you are not with him and your opinion is the only one that counts.
It does sound as if your heart has not totally caught up with your brain on this so just limit the contact and figure out your life without him. My X is much the same way. If I do something like recently go help him pick out shirts, it means nothing to me other than his being a bit of a tard. If it meant something more to him, that's his problem, not mine. | |
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| Is my Ex Moving on???
Posted: 7/5/2008 7:03:44 PM | If I do something like recently go help him pick out shirts, it means nothing to me other than his being a bit of a tard
My feeling about it is this: If these "men" can't choose their own clothes and aftershave, then they obviously need to go back to Mommy for assistance!!!!!!
What a crock! I'll never understand that.
Is it any wonder why we as women b*tch about how men can't seem to grow up! - And we perpetuate the situation by doing crap like that! | |
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| Is my Ex Moving on???
Posted: 7/5/2008 7:04:57 PM | | hi ,im a total stranger about to give you my opinion, firstly you say yourself there was loads of reasons why you split.... nothing changed , you say you have kids and he's not ready for a relationship with you or anyone , a bit late to make that announcement dont you think, he is keeping you close as a safety net, an escort and a front (family occassions ect) look at me im not a bad guy were best of friends! stop shopping for him and tell him not to call, if you need him for anything you'll call him, as for the gf are you sure he isnt still her friend, remember he's mr nice guy. please try and move on from this guy he's a dead weight around your neck holding you back in life, i know your pain and anguish and wish you nothing but sucess and happiness for the future, its not about him moving on anymore its about you putting him behind you xxx good luck | |
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| Is my Ex Moving on???
Posted: 7/5/2008 7:57:34 PM | | I have to agree with some others here ....... men keep women lingering on b/c they want someone to love them and want them and they can't stand the thought of being alone. usually men are never satisfied with what they have and they are always looking in other pastures for the greener grass on the other side. He'll string you along b/c he knows you'll be right there if he doesn't find someone better .Start living your life for yourself and your kids and go forward .If he truley does have a change of heart and want you back he will come back to you | |
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| Is my Ex Moving on???
Posted: 7/5/2008 8:02:51 PM | they can't stand the thought of being alone.
Remember, it is better be lonely because you are alone than lonely because you are in a relationship that is not working. | |
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| Is my Ex Moving on???
Posted: 7/5/2008 9:52:51 PM | MY X was on dating rooms while we were dating. He said he wanted to meet friends" women ". Ha what a crock. He even put photo's on the internet of both of them together. He would not let me on his my space. What a dummy I was. Now he had a women in house over night. Even said he didn't sleep with her..Ha then went to the car with me and asked me to marry him. If they love you they do not need another women. They are happy with you. Men need men friends. Period. By the way he is not longer in my life and I am now free. It is a great feeling. He is stringing you on for sex and nothing else. you must have been really good. or maybe he is a closet gay......one never knows.
Good Luck.......get rid of him as fast as you can Run..............fast. | |
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| Is my Ex Moving on???
Posted: 7/6/2008 2:09:55 AM | | Thankyou everyone for your support you have all said what I was thinking, and I am moving on I'd be fibbing if I said it was easy cause it isn't but I am stronger then I was and am making more progress everyday. xxxx | |
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