| Accepting My Alone-ness: How Can I Do So?
Posted: 7/5/2008 3:45:20 PM | NOTE: This is not a *self-pity* message; rather, I seek advice on embracing the up-side spin on things.
I'm starting to think that I may never again enjoy the pleasure of a man's company on a date; that's why I'm in *contingency-planning* mode.
Rather than dwell negatively on this possible outcome, I would like to be prepared, adopt a positive viewpoint, and ultimately enjoy the rest of my life. What upbeat *pearls of wisdom* have worked for you that you can share?
I welcome your responses.
- Mber | |
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| Accepting My Alone-ness: How Can I Do So?
Posted: 7/5/2008 4:07:58 PM | Pearl 1. Just because you can't see something coming doesn't mean it won't. He could be pop into view tomorrow so keep your eyes open.
Pearl 2. Love, support and companionship take many forms not just that one typical romance. You may go a spell without the ideal arrangement but you'll still get what you want by other means, through friendships and community.
Pearl 3. There is an abundance of interesting, fun, rewarding and meaningful things to do in life there for the doing. Time not spent at one thing can be spent at something else. Life is a banquet.
Pearl 4. You may be by yourself at times but you are never alone. As a human being you are part of a very large family that generally shares your basic desires and experiences.
Pearl 5. Smiles are free and they bring out the best in people, in case you ever have any use for people's best.
Pearl 6. Life is lived one day at a time and luckily we are all capable of making at least part of each day turn out well.
Pearl 7. Darkness turns to light, sorrow yields to joy, and paper covers rock. | |
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| Accepting My Alone-ness: How Can I Do So?
Posted: 7/5/2008 4:13:48 PM | I was married twice for a total of 33 years.
I figure ..... I had my share.
I have not seen or spoken to #1 since about 1984 but have a hunch she has no ill feelings toward me.
#2 likes me fine (actually a great deal) and both of the two girls we raised like me so .......... I am ok with my life and my “share” of the relationships world.
I even bet that the three girl friends I had when I was a kid ...... would STILL have favorable memories of me - as I them. So that would take me to about 40 years of pretty good relationships.
What more could I logically expect?
Will I ever have another relationship - I have no idea. I stopped looking about 3 years ago.
She would have to ....... umm fall in my lap lol. | |
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| Accepting My Alone-ness: How Can I Do So?
Posted: 7/5/2008 4:53:11 PM |
Pearl 1. Just because you can't see something coming doesn't mean it won't. He could be pop into view tomorrow so keep your eyes open.
You never know what events could transpire and you find a companion.
This pearl reminds me of Paula Dean's story of how she met her new husband. She was literally abandoned by her first husband with two children to raise.. destitute and starving she began a sandwich business out of her home and her children did the deliverys on their lunch hour.. Eventually she and her sons became the owner of "The Lady and Sons" restaurant in Savannah, Georgia.
She lived alone all these years. Talked about a one eyed yellow cat who adopted her. She called him Popeye and said that they were drawn to each other because no body wanted either of them!!
After she began her cooking show on the Food network she was walking her dogs.. and the broke away from her and ran around the corner of the dock where she was walking them. She became very distressed and ran after them. As she turned the corner she literally ran into the man who was to become her new husband. He had caught the doggies for her as they ran around the corner.
So I love that story because it tells me to do your life.. and do it well.. and maybe you will just run into him when you least expect it. | |
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| Accepting My Alone-ness: How Can I Do So?
Posted: 7/5/2008 5:42:24 PM | What is with the gloom and doom outlook in regard to your romantic future?
First, you are separated, so if you don't feel as if enough men are taking an interest, please realize that has a lot to do with it.
Second, plans are all well and good as is building a rewarding life for yourself, but you need to remain open to the possibilities in life. | |
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| Accepting My Alone-ness: How Can I Do So?
Posted: 7/5/2008 5:44:53 PM | Expect the unexpected!
I'm starting to think that I may never again enjoy the pleasure of a man's company on a date; that's why I'm in *contingency-planning* mode. ….Rather than dwell negatively on this possible outcome, I would like to be prepared, adopt a positive viewpoint, and ultimately enjoy the rest of my life. What upbeat *pearls of wisdom* have worked for you that you can share?
I have heard and read posts of frustration as to the potential dates and the outcomes of dates here in POF including my own…….
I have a suggestion that worked for me, here goes:
Gather up the times in your life when things happened with you or to you when you were happily surprised by the unexpected. Think on those things for some time when you were blessed with the unexpected and gather all your senses and create a package of the desired man or woman with all the characteristics, behaviorisms, and physical attributes. This ideal of a man brings fourth a song in you much like the John Denver tune “You Fill Up My Senses, like a night in the forest….. “ The ideal you set out will not be what you will eventually fish from this pond or your corner Safeway store but it will give you a sense of ‘hope’. Tuck the list of ideals into a nylon and tuck safely to the back of your closet and leave it there till spring cleaning next year.
I use to think that fate and destiny does not happen to people. I believed that in order to be ready for a relationship to happen, you must make yourself available for the event to take place. I also felt that destiny was left to those who dreamed and could waste away only to find selves alone time n time again….lol
My thinking has changed to the degree that I have left the hands of fate to the ‘gods’ … lol (others might say the universe).
You will meet the man of your dreams when you least expect it. Arm yourself with the feelings of having your ‘senses filled’ to the brim and continue to live doing what you know best. Do what you do with passion and he will come to you or you will see him knowing that the attraction is one of the same feelings you know well (that of having your senses filled).
You fill up my senses
Like a night in the forest
Like the mountains in springtime
Like a walk in the rain
Like a storm in the desert
Like a sleepy blue ocean
You fill up my senses
Come fill me again
Come let me love you
Let me give my life to you
Let me drown in your laughter
Let me die in your arms
Let me lay down beside you
Let me always be with you
Come let me love you
Come love me again
Let me give my life to you
Come let me love you
Come love me again
You fill up my senses
Like a night in the forest
Like the mountains in springtime
Like a walk in the rain
Like a storm in the desert
Like a sleepy blue ocean
You fill up my senses
Come fill me again
John Denver
PS It worked for me.....
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| Accepting My Alone-ness: How Can I Do So?
Posted: 7/5/2008 6:33:07 PM | | I prefer to live in TODAY, and not project about tomorrow or the rest of my life. I get into emotional difficulties when I do that because the projection is almost never good. The fact is, we don't know if we'll wake up tomorrow, let alone have another date with a man. I look in the mirror every day and say "YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL." At times I have felt very lonely without a significant other, but I do believe that a Higher Power is looking out for me and I am not alone. If you are happy with yourself and the people close to you, you will attract someone "special". Keep the faith. | |
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| Accepting My Alone-ness: How Can I Do So?
Posted: 7/5/2008 6:54:04 PM | gpsweetheart wrote: What is with the gloom and doom outlook in regard to your romantic future?
Mber responds: At age 52, I've only dated 7 men in my entire life. Of the 7, I married 2 of them; the relationships with the other 5 each lasted anywhere from 10 weeks to 10 months.
gpsweetheart wrote: First, you are separated, so if you don't feel as if enough men are taking an interest, please realize that has a lot to do with it.
Mber responds: That comes as a surprise to me because I know 2 people who are separated, and their dating lives are flourishing!
gpsweetheart wrote: Second, plans are all well and good as is building a rewarding life for yourself, but you need to remain open to the possibilities in life.
Mber responds: That's why I'm in *contingency-plan* mode. If a man reads my profile and contacts me, then that would be great; however, given my dismal track record thus far, I'm adopting a realistic attitude.
Thank you for your response! | |
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| Accepting My Alone-ness: How Can I Do So?
Posted: 7/5/2008 7:11:22 PM | While we all hope to find a companion to spend the rest of our lives with, doesn't mean we can't have a great happy life alone. I've taken a break from dating and am filling my time with work, friends, family. Taking a break from looking for a partner alone leads to a more peaceful existance.
More and more I'm seeing woman happy alone. While I'm sure they wouldn't turn away a good match they don't feel the need to constantly be looking.
Learn to enjoy your own company. Spend more time with friends. Take up a new hobby, learn something new. Being alone doesn't have to be a negative thing. | |
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| Accepting My Alone-ness: How Can I Do So?
Posted: 7/5/2008 8:06:47 PM | Don't fret, before you know it you will be posting a thread asking for advice on how to make room for someone in your life when you enjoy being alone as much as you do.
I am not making light, it's the truth...wait and see.
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| Accepting My Alone-ness: How Can I Do So?
Posted: 7/5/2008 8:11:05 PM | You already have a dog so maybe a hobby would help and some people do charity work too. And don't take looking for someone too seriously. When you're in 'not looking' mode is when your world usually gets rocked.
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| Accepting My Alone-ness: How Can I Do So?
Posted: 7/5/2008 9:14:04 PM | True happiness comes from within yourself. Someone here, in a long ago forum on this very topic...used similar words. Took me a while to get a grasp on what she meant, but now it has become a tenet of sorts for the way I live my life.
Though we can look to others to add to our happiness, to bring joy into our lives, we mustn't dwell on the fact that they are not with us every minute, but rather seek ways to be content in our "aloneness." Put on your favourite music; take a walk on your favourite trail; find a cause that gives you purpose and/or joy.
Contentment that comes from within...and the peaceful countenance of the person who posssesses it, is more likely to draw others to them than the "sad sack" look of a person who is not happy in their lot.
Wishing you well in this new phase of your life. | |
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| Accepting My Alone-ness: How Can I Do So?
Posted: 7/6/2008 4:36:25 AM | There's several things you need to do (according to several long time forum fans).
You need to convince your self there almost no one worthy of your presence. That way you can believe your taking the high road and your being unable to get a date will appear as a choice you've made rather than a situation your in.
Start posting about all the dates you have to turn away so new fishies will be tempted to call on you to see what it is everybody wants while at the same time announcing your availability. You know the standard lines "I love sex" and "I'm not going to have sex without some commitment"
Complete the following sentence.
"I am different from everybody else because, ____________________________________________________."
Heck, complete it in several ways. When you see posts about how miserable people are, post one of these sentences to point out how different you are than the miserable ones.
Start viewing loneliness as a sickness that you can 'heal' yourself of. Then, don't forget to post about your recovery and how your life is too full to allow those feelings in and become a role model for other 'sick' people to emulate.
Well, that should do it, would you like some chamomile tea now? | |
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| Accepting My Alone-ness: How Can I Do So?
Posted: 7/6/2008 5:30:11 AM | Get out there an do things, and things that involve more than 'the girls'. Write up your bucket list and start working on it. Who knows what will happen?
You might meet him while learning rock climbing, taking a cooking class, at a new writer's circle, when you take the trip to see the pyramids in Egypt.
Or, you might run into him in the produce isle at the grocery store.
Ketch | |
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| Accepting My Alone-ness: How Can I Do So?
Posted: 7/6/2008 6:53:08 AM | I've been single by choice, for nearly 30 years. There have been stretches of time, sometimes long and sometimes short, when I have been without a romantic interest in my life. I'm happy either way. I've had great loves in my life. I was married for many years, and decided marriage wasn't for me. But the point is, I know how to fill my life with things that make me happy.
I have a wonderful family. I stay busy volunteering, reading, pursuing my hobby of writing, taking classes, exercising, dating, and just enjoying life. My main focus for myself is on healthy living, and that takes effort. But the rewards are worth it. I don't put my life on hold waiting to meet "the one".
I've already had that several times. Would I like to have it again? If it happens to come my way. But, I am not lonely and I happen to like my alone-ness. Life is too short to spend time waiting for someone to jump start yours.
Make your life enjoyable for you. Once you're happy with your life, it's possible that will attract whatever else you feel that you are missing. | |
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| Accepting My Alone-ness: How Can I Do So?
Posted: 7/6/2008 7:18:24 AM | I encourage you to embrace your aloneness and befriend it. You don't have to be lonely, however. Make sure you have many rich and varied friendships and spend time with them and family.
Now, think of all the things you enjoy doing out in the world and make plans with friends and do them: music, theater, sports...anything that makes you smile and laugh. Think of all the interesting things you have to share with the world. What kind of books do you like to read...go get a stack of them and start reading. What kind of music do you like....play it loudly and dance in your living room all by yourself. Volunteer to do something of value to you...teach a child to read, help someone who is sick, foster and animal from a local rescue group. Start a new hobby, learn something new something you have always wanted to study. Take a class. Learn swing dancing. Join a literary discussion group. Take up gardening or hiking or rollerblading.;-) Anything you can think of to do...DO IT! Exercise your mind and your body.
Being alone gives an endless way to spend time and you get to choose who to spend it with and when. You don't have to consult with a boyfriend first. You get to express your wondrous, beautiful self to the universe whenever, however you feel moved. Love yourself, your friends and your life. This is a great time of life - embrace it and life fully. | |
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| Accepting My Alone-ness: How Can I Do So?
Posted: 7/6/2008 8:22:23 AM | I'm probably going to sound like an echo...but yes, alone-ness has its advantages! Take the time to do the things you have alwys wanted to do. You'll enjoy them much more alone, because the experiences will be only yours. You won't be sharing, but you won't be distracted, either. And you'll never have to worry than your companion is not really enjoying the experience with you, just doing it because you invited him/her to.
And just keep your eyes open. Good things can happen at the most unexpected times. | |
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| Accepting My Alone-ness: How Can I Do So?
Posted: 7/6/2008 11:44:24 AM | | I am not sure about men, but I find that having my close girlfriends and having things to do and living life keeps loneliness at bay and the concern that love might not come my way. We all find as we get older that we will make concessions when we find we can no longer eat those foods we used to eat, or find out because of illness we need to reroute our exercise etc.... I mean there are always going to be upsets.. and you can't give in just because it isn't there.... I don't close the door on mr. right.. but I'm not sitting by waiting for him to knock on my door because as the saying goes he won't...you have to be out there and be active for him to find you... enjoy today, all friendships are valuable, and my girlfriends I couldn't do without... | |
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| Accepting My Alone-ness: How Can I Do So?
Posted: 7/6/2008 12:18:16 PM | | Put one foot in front of the other, and squeeze all the happiness out of life that you can. Within time all your want to accept alone-ness will disappear, because you just don't have time left over the think about that kind of thing. | |
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| Accepting My Alone-ness: How Can I Do So?
Posted: 7/6/2008 1:50:26 PM | Get a hobby.
Make things... help kids... DO SOMETHING.
Sitting alone watching the paint peel is no fun.
But doing things that are useful... gives you purpose. | |
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| Accepting My Alone-ness: How Can I Do So?
Posted: 7/6/2008 2:21:33 PM | | ^^^excellent from Fred. Get into a volunteer group! It'll give you a lot...activity, things to think about when you are home alone, and there a lots of others involved...many single! | |
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| Accepting My Alone-ness: How Can I Do So?
Posted: 7/6/2008 7:33:30 PM | My two cents......for what it's worth...
Accept what IS now. Leave the future for the future. Assume nothing. Expect the unexpected and take it as it comes. Instead of pining for an imagined future, wake up to the gifts in your life this very moment. Awareness brings gratitude and gratitude brings joy.
Truly, it's not rocket science - just start living the life you have today with gratitude, compassion and acceptance that the ONLY thing that is real is THIS moment now! So live it now!
(that's not to say it's always easy but it's the "true north" in my journey these days)  | |
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| Accepting My Alone-ness: How Can I Do So?
Posted: 7/7/2008 4:20:55 AM |
What upbeat *pearls of wisdom* have worked for you?
No company is better than bad company.
If you have that experience, don't forget it. If you don't have it yet, you probably willl, so pay attention. | |
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| Accepting My Alone-ness: How Can I Do So?
Posted: 7/7/2008 5:44:52 AM | Being alone does not have to mean lonely.
When my husband passed I worked on myself emotionally, mentally, and spititually to get to the peace and contentment that I now posess. Life is a journey and at different points in our life we must walk the path on our own.'
That is not always a bad thing...take some time for reflection and assess what you really want for yourself. Take some classes for self improvement at a local community college. Read books that bring you pleasure. Walk in the park and enjoy the other people there. Volunteer for an organization where there is a need for some talent you may posess.
As someone said good things come to us when we least expect them. Keep your mind and heart open for that to happen without dwelling on it.
LIKE WHO YOU ARE.................................
PEACE | |
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