| Is it unrealistic to be deterministic about the sought characteristics?
Posted: 7/6/2008 10:33:36 AM | I would like to know if being too deterministic about the characteristics of the girl that I'm seeking is a realistic approach or not.
1) Do you believe that having an A, B, C, ... list of characteristics is a good thing or not?
2) Are you for or against such an approach? (this is probably a repetition of the first question :P)
3) What impression does such an approach give you about me (or any person with that approach)?
Thank you | |
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| Is it unrealistic to be deterministic about the sought characteristics?
Posted: 7/6/2008 11:46:16 AM | That's a whole bucket of "depends on."
Is your list of requirements what you have on your profile? Not to get into a profile review, but I think it is fine. You start with you, mention a list of qualities you appreciate in your mate and then talk about your relationship in general.
Are you planning to put a longer list on you profile?
Is anything retarded on your ABC list? Such as "attractive, smart, openminded, not a serial killer" Yeah, who wants an idiotic, racist, serial killer uggo? Or, has to be a long haired brunnette? Can't fall outside the height range of 5'10-5'11?
Having standards is normal and healthy. Not wanting to date a violent criminal, mooch or STD filled person are some of my standards. Having a mental list of standards is a very good idea. If you don't know what you want in a mate, you really shouldn't look around right now. Knowing what you can live with in your mate is important.
I'm not sure what approach you're ACTUALLY looking for us to judge.
If you consider what is on your profile a list, then no, you're upfront and honest. If I were an introvert looking for a one night stand, I would not be offended if you turned me down.
You have much more on your profile about you than your desired match(that is the prope ratio).
If you presented a list of requirements without a list of your qualities, it is a BIG turn off because it presents you as above everyone else. You're requiring them to apply for the chance of a response, without telling them anything.
I can't really guess if your list is realistic without knowing the content. | |
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| Is it unrealistic to be deterministic about the sought characteristics?
Posted: 7/6/2008 11:49:16 AM |
1) Do you believe that having an A, B, C, ... list of characteristics is a good thing or not?
You should have a general idea of the type of person you are looking for. If you are too specific and rigid you might pass up someone who is a good match but doesn't fit one of your criteria.
There are some things you won't compromise on and these are the "dealbreakers" that we all have (for example: smoker, druggie, alchoholic, lazy, sloppy, mean, stupid, etc) | |
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| Is it unrealistic to be deterministic about the sought characteristics?
Posted: 7/6/2008 11:53:13 AM | My first question to you is what the hell does deterministic mean? Is it in the dictionary?
Now as far as having qualifications and things you are looking for and not looking for....everyone does. And as we get older and "'have been there and done that'' you'll find people even more selective. Funny thing is people tend to think older women are more desperate for marriage and babies and all that....but truth be told, we're more independent and not afraid of being alone when you consider the alternative is to settle and be unhappy or in a bad relationship.
When people settle they'll always end up unhappy about what they settled on, no matter how great the person may be. I think it's fine to have dealbreakers. I do.
And while it eliminates a great deal of people, I find myself not wasting a lot of time on dates and talking to people that end up being duds as I did in the past. | |
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| Is it unrealistic to be deterministic about the sought characteristics?
Posted: 7/6/2008 12:04:46 PM | First off, I have to say, that was the most "istics" I've ever seen in one sentence! It was kind of catchy. 
To answer your question, I personally think knowing what you want and stating that is a great thing. Regardless, you'll still get emails from people who will completely ignore it assuming they're the exception to the rule and maybe some rare person will be but of course 99.9% won't be if you're really sure of what you want. (*Personal rant on that manner over now*)
But knowing yourself and knowing what you seek in a person and a relationship is a wonderful thing and to me at least, a sign of a person who is self assured, confident and not afraid to ask for what they want. All good things in my book.
I do have other thoughts on your profile as it is right now to be honest but since they're unrelated to the question you asked and you're not here seeking a profile review, I'm staying quiet! =) | |
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| Is it unrealistic to be deterministic about the sought characteristics?
Posted: 7/6/2008 12:24:29 PM | lol, yeah, deterministic is a word. I meant it to be a description of the approach, meaning being very determined about the characteristics ... and yeah, the "istics" caught my attention when the thought hit me :P
You're thoughts and mine get along so not much to comment about.
And if u have comments about the profile, please don't be quiet :P if you don't wanna post them on the forum, message me, thanks. I actually had a thread for a review and then two people went after each other and the thread became about something else, I stopped following and then the thread got deleted! | |
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| Is it unrealistic to be deterministic about the sought characteristics?
Posted: 7/6/2008 12:43:06 PM | I think the approach is flawed but the knowledge is relevant.
If you want a girl with X,Y, Z traits, then you first have to determine how important those traits are to the majority of men. If those traits are important only after certain physical criteria are met, then you're probably not going to have a lot of competition. If those traits are physical traits and they are important to the majority of men, then you're going to have a lot of competition. This means you will have to improve yourself in the areas that matter to women to be chosen over the other men.
Women choose men, and men choose women (in heterosexual relationships). So what you find important in a mate isn't important to women. They don't care. They care about what they find important. So the only good thing about knowing what you want is that you can determine what are pros when you're meeting someone and how much competition you will face when trying for them.
In my opinion its much more important to know what your deal breakers are. A deal breaker will outweigh all pros, so its in your best interest to base your decision on those things first.
From what I've observed, men tend to play a numbers game. They try their best to get as many options as possible to make their choice. This is good initially, but horrible when you actually get down to choosing someone.
Women tend to play an elimination game. They list what they don't want to get as few options as possible so they don't end up with someone who has a deal breaker. The problem with this is that few people truly know what their deal breakers are. So they're eliminating by preferences rather than requirements.
I think it's best to utilize both. Improve yourself to increase your numbers, then whittle down those numbers when you're ready to make your decision based on your deal breakers. Men don't seem to actively look for deal breakers. They choose based on their pros and then hope the negatives don't outweigh them. This isn't very wise since deal breakers will outweigh ALL pros (hence the reason they're a deal breaker) so why would you not actively look for those at the beginning?
3) What impression does such an approach give you about me (or any person with that approach)?
Well, I don't know you of course but such an approach in my eyes is the easiest one possible. It gives me the impression that you're leaving too much up to chance. | |
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| Is it unrealistic to be deterministic about the sought characteristics?
Posted: 7/6/2008 12:52:01 PM | Deterministic is a word you might use to describe a machine or system whose responses are always completely predictable based on the input/stimuli: something without any chaotic or random element. The word you were probably searching for might be 'prescriptive' or possibly 'determined'.
I don't believe that having a detailed laundry list or requirements is a good idea. I could not have imagined my special someone before I met him. Self-awareness is useful: I knew the things that mattered to me, the things in life that I valued and I recognised and responded to the fact that he shared very similar core feelings and beliefs.
I am quite sure that based on purely superficial qualities and aspects very few people would have thought that the man I would love so deeply would be like my special someone -- we have had such different life experiences and yet something at the core of us is in harmony. If not for PoF, we would never have met. In real life, our paths would not have crossed and if they had we would not have seen each other. Both of us are very reserved and you would assume from the fact that he works in construction whilst I work in academia, that we would probably not have much to talk about.
The approach I recommend is to just be open to relating to people. Don't judge them by any labels: look at the quality of the interaction you have with them and ask whether you want to continue getting to know them as a fellow human being. Don't focus on judging and weighing people: focus on loving because loving is what you want to be doing, not endless measuring and cost benefit analysis. | |
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| Is it unrealistic to be deterministic about the sought characteristics?
Posted: 7/6/2008 12:57:33 PM | 1)) Do you believe that having an A, B, C, ... list of characteristics is a good thing or not?
No, I think it's very limiting. You have an idea in your head of who you want to meet and will overlook someone who doesn't match your "ideal," but would actually be a good match for you. People seldom seem to know what it is they REALLY want.
2) Are you for or against such an approach? (this is probably a repetition of the first question :P)
Technically, I'm not "for" such an approach, but we can't help forming a "wish list" in our minds, can we?
3) What impression does such an approach give you about me (or any person with that approach)?
Someone who seems VERY determined to live by a pre-established checklist can seem overly controlling and picky, depending on the list's length -- and the difficutly of finding the described person. For instance, "I want someone beautiful and sexy -- but who's unaware of it," well -- that doesn't seem very likely. | |
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| Is it unrealistic to be deterministic about the sought characteristics?
Posted: 7/6/2008 1:10:52 PM | Having a set of preferences for a potential partner is like having a map as you go along in your travels -- not a bad thing to have,
But,
Insisting that a partner posess every single listed trait is like trying to date your map instead of enjoying your trip. | |
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| Is it unrealistic to be deterministic about the sought characteristics?
Posted: 7/6/2008 1:16:00 PM |
My first question to you is what the hell does deterministic mean? Is it in the dictionary? This is why I always have dictionary.com opened on a tab of my browser 
OT : No one should change for others, only themselves. That being said, no one should settle for something that the other person isn't willing to change for themselves. I have very few major deal breakers, most of which I don't really figure out until after talking to the person for a while. If the person I am talking to has one flaw that doesn't fit my criteria (not including my major deal breakers), but everything else is amazing, I'll still give it a chance. It's an added bonus to find out the person wants to change that aspect of their life without me even bringing it up :D | |
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| Is it unrealistic to be deterministic about the sought characteristics?
Posted: 7/6/2008 6:30:21 PM | You need three lists:
1. Things that the woman must absolutely have/be/believe
2. Things you'd prefer but are negotiable
3. Things you absolutely will not tolerate
PS. Lists 1 and 3 should probably be very very short.
It's good to have a good idea of what you want, but if you start getting rid of prospects based on, say, color of eyes...you're going about this wrong. | |
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| Is it unrealistic to be deterministic about the sought characteristics?
Posted: 7/6/2008 6:37:17 PM | You can try being deterministic; I have in the past. It's not a bad thing to have some guidelines, but I would advise only putting things that are really crucial.
The trouble is that you may well go out one evening, down the pub/bar, and meet a girl who defies all your characteristics but to whom you are wildly attracted. Well, maybe not all, but some. This has happened to me. Yes, he was out of the age range, but well what an attractive and interesting man. Yes, he smokes, but wow, maybe I could even put up with that to have those beautiful eyes and that musical talent around, and so on .... Basically, if you have too many rules, you could miss out on the one who really would capture your imagination.
As far as impressions go, if you are too deterministic, even if I fitted the bill (which I wouldn't anyway), I might not apply. I'd just wonder what sort of man set so many stipulations? Is he totally inflexible? What happens if I have an off day and don't feel so pretty, perfect, happy? Will he dump me? It's worth thinking about what you are indirectly saying to a woman about how you would love her, should she be brave enough to apply. | |
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| Is it unrealistic to be deterministic about the sought characteristics?
Posted: 7/6/2008 6:44:24 PM | The list screws you over every time.
Throw away the list.
Throw a penny in the fountain and make a wish for Serendipity.
Throw a log on the fire of your heart- because a man without passion can't attract a moth, let alone a butterfly.
Throw yourself into your own life.
Throw a pillow at your best friend just for the fun of it.
Throw a pebble across the lake until you can skip the stone at least five times, find focus in that solitude and then discover that being alone with yourself ain't a half bad thing.
Throw your arms into the air when you go down a roller coaster, or when you ride the bike downhill with your feet on the handlebars, or when the horse is flying down the lane and make yourself feel that feeling of freedom that is probably as close to good love as it can get.
Then throw yourself at the feet of the woman who causes you to feel like that.
And if she breaks your heart, throw her out, and do it all over again, because it's all good.
I lived by the *list* then I just gave up and threw myself at the feet of the man who made me feel this way and yeah, he broke my heart, and I threw him out of my life, and yeah, I'd do it all over again, because it's all good.
Trust me in this. Throw away the list. | |
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| Is it unrealistic to be deterministic about the sought characteristics?
Posted: 7/6/2008 9:46:48 PM | I think it is very practical to have a limited list of must-haves and must-not-haves if these things are of extreme importance to you. I would imagine that things like religion, drug use, or whether to have children could be deal breakers if the other person had different ideas/goals concerning them. I don't see how things like blonde, 5'4, under 120 lbs would fit into this style of "no exceptions whatsoever" list.
And psst...a "biological clock" refers to someone's drive to reproduce before they are too old to have children. I am imagining you springing from your bed at an early hour on the weekends so overwhelmed by the need to reproduce that you are unable to sleep in.  I believe the phrase you are looking for in your profile is "internal clock," or more technically "Circadian rhythm." Two VERY different things. | |
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| Is it unrealistic to be deterministic about the sought characteristics?
Posted: 7/7/2008 4:51:58 PM | | haha, you are the second person to comment about "biological clock"! (the other one was on a different thread I had). Biological clocks are part of chronobiology. They are the clocks that maintain the circadian rhythm in our system ;) Though the term is also used as related to fertility as well! But anyway, the purpose of the comment is to lighten up the mood when reading the profile, so I guess it works either way | |
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| Is it unrealistic to be deterministic about the sought characteristics?
Posted: 7/7/2008 5:41:31 PM | You need to be realistic about the characteristics you're looking for, so that you find them, but don't go overboard.
GOOD:
Looking for a laid-back, New-Age girl I can travel the world with. Celtic music a plus.
This keeps you from getting emails from ambitious orthodox Jews who want to work in the family business and have no aspirations of leaving the neighborhood.
BAD:
Looking for a laid-back, New-Age girl, between 5'2" and 5'8" tall, must be slender, with blonde hair (no dye jobs!) worn natural, to travel as the harp player in my Celtic band. Must love snakes.
Fussy, fussy, fussy! | |
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| Is it unrealistic to be deterministic about the sought characteristics?
Posted: 7/7/2008 5:43:45 PM | | I'll have to go with it depends. At times it is unrealistic. Saying you want a woman with blonde hair down to the exact middle of her back who's 5'7, 110 lbs, 32DD chest, perfect skin, who's super smart, earns a ton of money, has a nice house, a hot car etc etc. This is especially true if you are the complete opposite of the woman you are looking for. But I do think it's possible to have a reasonable list of qualities. | |
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| Is it unrealistic to be deterministic about the sought characteristics?
Posted: 7/7/2008 10:16:01 PM | Is it unrealISTIC to be determinISTIC about the sought characterISTICs ?
maybe you're wanting to get the whole jesse jackson thing going for you, but i'm thinking that he has a whole bunch of people searching & REsearching his homonyms or rhymonyms, or alliterations [or whatEVER they are], to make sure they're being used perfectly.
rune3 -- in msg. #8 -- [imho] has it basically right, ""Deterministic is a word you might use to describe a machine or system whose responses are always completely predictable based on the input/stimuli: something without any chaotic or random element. "" and the rune has it exactly right [imho] with the assertion ""The word you were probably searching for might be 'prescriptive' or possibly 'determined'.""
but what do i know? after all, i'm only "MagneticNorth" which, along the potomac river, means i'm always "OffBy11ยบ" | |
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| Is it unrealistic to be deterministic about the sought characteristics?
Posted: 7/8/2008 8:27:15 PM | lol, people ... relax! It's just a forum post, lol. I probably didn't use the word "deterministic" properly (though to an extent I believe it fits :P) but anyway, the point is to ask a question, which apparently was understood by everybody ;) Aren't words made to communicate?!  | |
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