| Girlfriend not affectionate
Posted: 7/6/2008 8:22:25 PM | Ok going to make this brief. I did just type a long msg but lost it..
My girlfriend shows no signs of affection so to speak. It's as if I'm doing all the work (that's how I feel anyway). She won't hug or kiss me etc. Whereas compared to this i am all over her. She says she want's me so stay the same and even complains when i stop being affectionate because she can sense something is wrong. But then that's how I constantly feel (that there is something wrong). In her words "I'm not the touchy feely person". I find this a vital part of a relationship. I'm constantly bringing it up and it's ruining us. We fight about it more and more as it becomes a bigger problem for me. She says I'm making her feel like there is something wrong with her. (is there?) She tells me that it's just her and that its not that she doesn't want to but that she feels uncomfortable. But he cant tell me if she will ever feel comfortable... This is so opposite to all my other relationships. I fell this should all be mutual so it gets me depressed. We all need affection in a relationship.
Otherwise everything is perfect we have a happy normal relationship.
Just a few questions..
Am i right to feel this way? What do i do? If she likes me doing it why cant she bring herself to initiate it? Is a relationship like this worth it?
I really like this girl but can't take it. I want out but my feelings for her take over and i cant bring myself to do it because otherwise (and so soon which is rare for me) I'm falling for this girl....
I need to do something though, its screwing with my head really badly....
Thus I'm here.
I did get some useful information via a search "show her the door" but i simply cant do this. And besides that's totally unfair. | |
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| Girlfriend not affectionate
Posted: 7/6/2008 8:28:20 PM | You may need to ask yourself if your compatible emotionally and physically with epressions of affection. It it possible that despite her telling you that she values your physical expression of love, that she could be falling out of love for you?
Finally, I bet you don't know your background. Is this type of emotional distance indicative of how her familly is towards each other? Could she have issues with men from 1 or more previous relationships? There are many variables. You may need to do some homework. | |
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| Girlfriend not affectionate
Posted: 7/6/2008 8:31:50 PM |
Whereas compared to this i am all over her
To be totally forthright with you, I will say that I don't know even one woman who likes a man to be "all over them"... She may feel that she has to suffer that to have your time and attention but I doubt very much she likes it.
When someone is always pressuring a woman for affection and/or sex, it can get downright irritating... It doesn't give a woman any opportunity to make advances of her own or to even work up any desire... It's just "pressure"...
Lay off her for awhile... Be affectionate but find some interesting things to do with her that aren't just about sex...
See what happens... | |
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| Girlfriend not affectionate
Posted: 7/6/2008 8:57:57 PM | Just to make it clear. I don't mean sex. That doesnt bother me weather it happens or not. (Although it has and she basically didn't move/do anything making me feel I was taking advantage of her). And this is not all about her not hugging and kissing me. There IS more to it... I tell her I like her, miss her, etc but i get none of that back. At the same time she does say she "really likes me" when i bring it up. Its as if shes saying these things just because I am annoyed, as if shes just telling me what i want to hear. This is all very confusing.
She seems to have problems getting close to me but just doesn't want to admit it or shes trying to make out as if it's not happening. I feel shes pushing me away in doing so. | |
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| Girlfriend not affectionate
Posted: 7/6/2008 9:01:56 PM |
You may need to ask yourself if your compatible emotionally and physically with expressions of affection.
That's my problem.... there is none whatsoever. Can any relationship be like this?
I guess I'm looking for a fix but maybe there isn't one and I need to be strong and just accept that and move on.
Thank you all for the quick replies. | |
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| Girlfriend not affectionate
Posted: 7/6/2008 9:02:54 PM | My ex was like this. I knew she loved me but was utterly unaffectionate in private (in public I understand cause this makes me uncomfortable as well). The result - I stopped trying, I became unaffectionate and I became a person I was not. I thought I could deal with it, but I could not. There were some other issues for our break up but ultimately this was a big reason. The important lesson I learned is that not all women are like that and if you are an affectionate man (as I can be), suppression is very difficult and eventually toxic.
Just my $0.02 | |
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| Girlfriend not affectionate
Posted: 7/6/2008 9:06:06 PM | [Lay off her for awhile... Be affectionate but find some interesting things to do with her that aren't just about sex... /quote]
Op said that when he lays off she fels like something is wrong... | |
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| Girlfriend not affectionate
Posted: 7/6/2008 9:06:36 PM | ~OP~ I thought I wasn't a touchy feely person for too many years. It hindered my romantic relationships severly. Why was I that way? Because of my homelife when I lived with my parents. After a long time in counseling, I learned that I was actually a very affectionate person, I was just unable to attempt it because it was never offered or returned through my most informative years. It goes well beyond the outside ~ it's an internal situation for some, maybe even many. Truthfully ~ it may not be you at all. That is something only she can ascertain.
I agree with the above-poster however, too much ("I'm all over her") is very stiffling. I call that smuffocation (a cross between suffocation and smoothering.) That isn't good at all. Both parties need to be of like-minds on this or one will usually end up feeling slighted ~ as you do today. I think it's time to have a talk with her, without pushing your needs on her and if she just isn't ready, isn't equiped or simply refuses to attempt a solution ~ sadly, you might be best off to move in a different direction. JMO  | |
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| Girlfriend not affectionate
Posted: 7/6/2008 9:10:50 PM | She said :
"I'm not the touchy feely person
You said:
I find this a vital part of a relationship. I'm constantly bringing it up and it's ruining us.
I fell this should all be mutual so it gets me depressed
I really like this girl but can't take it.
Do you really need us to suggest what you need to do?
You're 22 and in a relationship that doesn't give you what you need or make you happy.
Some women are affectionate, other's aren't. I'd say you know what you need so what would you tell the person who asked your question? | |
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| Girlfriend not affectionate
Posted: 7/6/2008 9:11:10 PM | I thought the exact same thing when I read that part so I have to ditto silken fire's comment..... | |
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| Girlfriend not affectionate
Posted: 7/6/2008 9:12:39 PM | """"" too much (I'm all over here) is very stiffling. I call that smuffocation (a cross between suffocation and smoothering.) That isn't good at all. Both parties need to be of like-minds on this or one will usually end up feeling slighted ~ as you do today. I think it's time to have a talk with her, without pushing your needs on her """"
Me too...Is this girl younger than you? are you her first serious BF? How long you two been dating...WHAT DOES SHE LIKE TO DO? Is she a winner? Are you a winner? What are her good qualities...ie, does she work hard, play sports, community service, train animals, do artwork, gardening..or is it all about clubbing and music and "hanging out"?
You two good get a counselor, not for serious marriage counseling, but as a "starting point" for better dialague. THERE ARE BOOKS you can get about romance and touching. why don't you get a couple and READ THEM TOGETHER.
Hold hands at the movies, but don't smother her, especially in public. Take sex slow slow, like you are teasing her. | |
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| Girlfriend not affectionate
Posted: 7/6/2008 9:14:08 PM | She is who she is. I doubt that you can change this aspect of her. If you can't accept that the expression of affection will not be mutual, you should move on.
My oldest daughter (25) is like your girlfriend. I have a wonderful relationship with her boyfriend (of 7 years) who has talked to me of her discomfort with physical displays of affection. For instance, she won't even hold his hand in public. He is wistful but has learned to be accepting and uses humour to understand. The lion's share of physicality falls on his shoulders, but for him, it is worth it because in all other ways, she is his dynamite partner.
Even as a child, she was not a cuddler, which I also found difficult, for I am a "touchy-feely" type. I have another daughter and a step-daughter who are the opposite - very openly loving. Even though this aspect can be attributed to nurturing, I have also come to believe that this can be, much like the shape of our nose, due to genetic code.
Wishing your girlfriend to be different affectionately will be as futile as wishing her to have a different nose. You will have to decide what *you* can bear and celebrate. | |
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| Girlfriend not affectionate
Posted: 7/6/2008 9:23:37 PM | | If your girlfriend is not affectionate it might be perhaps because she does not have the same degree of attraction/affection towards you. Those things cannot be forced and eventually you will feel cheated...Time to move on to somebody who is more in tune with you sexually and affectively. | |
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| Girlfriend not affectionate
Posted: 7/6/2008 9:39:04 PM |
Op said that when he lays off she fels like something is wrong...
Chances are pretty good that when he lays off, he gets quite withdrawn because it's natural for him to feel affectionate toward her. So, when he lays off, she's right.. there IS something wrong...
He needs to lay off in a way that is perhaps, less extreme and give her a chance to want him for a change... | |
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| Girlfriend not affectionate
Posted: 7/6/2008 10:22:35 PM | Affection is something you need in a relationship for you to feel loved.
She is unable to express affection the way you need it.
Chances are She is NOT going to change.
Move on now.
Save time and truble for you and her. | |
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| Girlfriend not affectionate
Posted: 7/6/2008 11:08:37 PM | Thank you everyone i know what i must do now...
It's going to be hard but its whats right. Better for both of us. | |
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| Girlfriend not affectionate
Posted: 7/6/2008 11:15:27 PM | | OKay daml you need to read the book "the 5 love languages" you are obviously a guy whose love language is physical touch, and there is NOTHING wrong with what your personal love language is..okay just so we are clear...however that is NOT her love language...we always do to others what we ourselves would like to see done to us...so here is my advice...sit down and read that book...then have her read that book...then discuss what your love languages are...she might like to recieve gifts or she might be a words of affiramtion type of girl...there are quizzes at the back of the book for both man and woman...it is almost like one person is japanese and the other is spanish...you are both talking but no one understands each other...you will go from relationship to relationship until you really find out what the other person...and yourself, really needs...I was with someone once who always told me how beautiful I was and how he loved me and blah blah blah...to someone else maybe they need that but not me...I liked acts of service...do something for me that I dont have to ask you to do and boy will YOU be a happy man lol...so go read the book...matter of fact anybody reading this post...GO READ THAT BOOK!!!!!!!! | |
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| Girlfriend not affectionate
Posted: 7/6/2008 11:55:28 PM | I dont agree in the way some ppl tell you SO EASILY to MOVE ON/BREAK UP with her, specially when they dont know the situation in DEPTH.. not only that, but specially if they dont know HER and what her reasons may be!
Anyway.. out of personal experience, my current BF used to be the exact same way in the beginning. I was the affectionate one, he was not. I also felt hurt and not appreciated. He would verbally tell me he felt something but not phisically. So I started backing off...
Like you, I was in the "Im falling for you " period... , so I didnt end it with him. Besides, he always told me his feelings towards me, which recomforted me. Not only that.. but in everyday actions you can tell wether a person loves you or not. I have now been with him 2.5 yrs.
I have learned that just because ppl arent phisically affectionate (dont hold your hand, kiss you in public, hug you 24/7) , doesnt mean they dont care for you! And just like there are ppl that are constantly all over you... doesnt mean they love you! | |
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| Girlfriend not affectionate
Posted: 7/6/2008 11:56:01 PM | the thing is, not everyone shows affection like you do. What is normal for them, IS normal for them. She says it, so... she might actually mean it.
I get that you need to be shown affection. Nothing wrong with that. But if she doesn't know how, or it just isn't in her to be that way, then - you're not getting what you need from the relationship, and you may never get it. You need to realize that - if you stay, you stay knowing that. If you can't live without it, then tell her - kindly - but communicate it, then move on if that's what you need to do to be happy. | |
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| Girlfriend not affectionate
Posted: 7/7/2008 12:11:49 AM | Find out how her family shows each other affection. Maybe she grew up not being very touchy feely.
How long have you two been going out? Maybe you just have to move on then. I don't think you can ask someone to show you PDA let alone teach them.
But I agree with you, its definitely a vital part of any relationship! Good Luck my friend. | |
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| Girlfriend not affectionate
Posted: 7/7/2008 12:25:19 AM | OP
I am going to a different route than the rest of the posters and speculate that maybe she has been abused either emotionally or physically in her past? The fact that she shuts down both during sex and other physical intimate moments leads me to believe there is something a little more dark in her closet than she is ready to share with you.
The thing is, if this is accurate, you can't MAKE her deal with her demons, she will have to deal with it on her own recourse.
Irregardless of what is going on and why, she is not meeting a major need of yours. If you have gone past the honeymoon phase and you are not running a full court press of affection like we all do during this phase then I would say it might be time to move on unless you really want to delve into this woman's psyche and help her resolve whatever is causing this problem. | |
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| Girlfriend not affectionate
Posted: 7/7/2008 12:45:30 AM | | I have a question you didn't say you had sex with her...so is she a virgin? You are young so maybe that's the case or maybe she's not that into you or trust you that way I mean some people take longer than others...like I said find out what HER love language is and do that...tell her what your love language is and ask her gently to do that in some form or another...if she flat out can't then yes I do concur that she has some type of issue and she needs to work that out...you can then stay or you can then leave...it is up to you | |
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