| Difficult situation- what should I do?
Posted: 7/8/2008 1:26:45 PM | Ok- this is difficult for me to even run through in my head, let alone discuss with one single person I know.
I am very friendly with a lot of parents at my kids school, and have made strong friends with a few of the mums there. Yesterday, one of my best friends came over for coffee, not the first time, but I know she is going through a really tough time in her marriage. Basically she wants out but her husband is going through any necessary measure to keep her....
Anyhow, this lady is a beautiful person, friendly, kind, loving, honest, just a true lovely person. She has been in a very controlling marriage since she was very young.
So imagine my surprise when she suddenly starts to get physical with me, I mean, I always we knew we had a lot of time for each other, but I didn't ever think any more than that- and anyhow, she is MARRIED- and I know her husband!
We had a bit of a cuddle, and tbh I think she was desperate for some serious affection, but I know this is SOOOO wrong, and luckily I was sort of saved by the bell so to speak.
so the question is this- Just how do I go about telling her this is not right without damaging her, or pushing her away in manner which she will probably take as rejection however I put it- remember- I am a BLOKE so whatever I say it will come out WRONG- you girls know that- don't you. Obviously I cannot say anything to her friends, - or should I- or what? If you were that lady- what would you like to hear- what words would get the message across without hurt or damaging our strong friendship? All I can see is truckloads of trouble down the road for both of us if I were to weaken on this. Maybe after she is sorted out- but not now. | |
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| Difficult situation- what should I do?
Posted: 7/8/2008 1:33:24 PM | | If you don't bang her, someone else will. I work with alot of older guys and something i've always kept in the back of my mind is when this guy told me......."i'd rather regret doing something, than regret having done nothing at all"....... | |
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| Difficult situation- what should I do?
Posted: 7/8/2008 1:34:09 PM | Why are you so concerned about "damaging her, or pushing her away in manner which she will probably take as rejection"? She clearly doesn't give a crap about damaging you or making you uncomfortable or forcing you to deal with an awkward situation. Be honest. Be blunt. Get right to the point. Don't lead her on. Don't let her think that there's any shred of hope of getting what she forced on you. She doesn't value your friendship, why should you value hers?
and stay away from my wife. | |
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| Difficult situation- what should I do?
Posted: 7/8/2008 1:35:22 PM | | Just tell her what you wrote in your post. She is married and that is a line you do not want to cross and you also don't want to hurt your friendship. I don't think it will destroy her, she knew what she was doing was wrong. | |
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| Difficult situation- what should I do?
Posted: 7/8/2008 1:39:11 PM | She's quite vulnerable and so are you, for matter of speaking.
Simply draw your boundaries, just respectfully communicate with her and say it's not right, nor is it good timing at all, for all obvious reasons.
She should respect you and understand completely where you're coming from. | |
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| Difficult situation- what should I do?
Posted: 7/8/2008 1:39:53 PM | OP: "Just how do I go about telling her this is not right without damaging her, or pushing her away in manner which she will probably take as rejection however I put it- remember- I am a BLOKE so whatever I say it will come out WRONG- you girls know that- don't you. Obviously I cannot say anything to her friends, - or should I- or what? If you were that lady- what would you like to hear- what words would get the message across without hurt or damaging our strong friendship?"
Not a girl, but....
First, no you shouldn't say anything to her friends.
Second, you can't worry about 'how' she's going to take it or what her feelings will be when you reject her. It is what it is and has to be done, irregardless the outcome. She obviously was willing to put the 'friendship' on the back burner when she got physical....it (your friendship) wasn't the foremost thing in her mind, was it?
Third, she may actually respect you more because you DO reject her. Didn't acquiesce to her advances when she may be somewhat vulnerable, desperate for affection or just plain horny.
Lastly, she's going to need a lot of time, mate, if & when she gets out of that relationship to heal, reflect, soul search, etc. Maintain the friendship, be supportive, but don't take it any further until she has a chance to decide what she wants after much self-evaluation.
JMO.
~ds~ | |
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| Difficult situation- what should I do?
Posted: 7/8/2008 1:43:07 PM | | Be kind with her she is obviously in a fragile state. Tell her that you respect her and your friendship but you can not cross that line with her, tell her you value her and the relationship too much to complicate it by taking it to another level. Tell her you understand her needs and her need for affection but it would be OH SO WRONG TO CROSS THAT LINE. Tell her that unless she is able to just be friends that you can not continue.....she can only respect your honesty, I can also tell you that she probably will not stop until you relent and give in.....be careful!!!!! | |
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| Difficult situation- what should I do?
Posted: 7/8/2008 1:44:08 PM | the best thing to do is talk to her gently but honestly. you don't want her to feel unloved like she is already but you don't want to lead her on in any way what so ever. let her know that if she files for a divorce or separation that you would be there for her to talk to and that's it only to talk to, nothing sexual. if her husband is that controlling and will do anything to keep his wife then i'd suggest that when she files for the separation that she files for a pfa as well. when i first separated from an abusive marriage i had no place to go (i couldn't stay with my parents) so a good friend (now ex bf) of mine offered me to stay in his daughter's old bedroom. (my good friend and my mom tried talking me into saving my marriage a few months before). i stayed in his daughter's old room, worked part time and 6 months later he and i started pretty much became intimate. since you know the woman's husband i wouldn't suggest for you to allow her to take a room at your home or you are looking for loads of trouble.
just be honest with how you feel about the situation and supportive of her if and when she files for a separation. | |
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| Difficult situation- what should I do?
Posted: 7/8/2008 1:49:14 PM | Ok her husband is controlling, she has a bad marriage. And you want to get into the middle of this??? Trust me it will come out, and her husband would not be pleased.
If you must talk to her about it. Tell her you are flattered, and find her attractive and nice, however, you do not feel comfortable getting involved with someone who is married and especially someone who is in a bad marriage and needs to get out. She needs a friend, not a lover.
I was in a bad marriage with a controlling husband, and it took me a long time to get out of it. Your self esteem is shot...hers probably is and she wants reassurance that she can still get a man, because controlling men will tell you over and over, you are nothing without them. She needs to come to grips with her marriage and the problems and get out if that is what is best for her, but nothing you can do will make that happen. It's something every person considering divorce has to go through on their own and with the support of family and TRUE friends. | |
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| Difficult situation- what should I do?
Posted: 7/8/2008 1:58:59 PM | Are you interested in pursuing something with her in the future if her marriage does end? You might want to keep that in mind when you decide how to address this issue.
I don't think you should ignore what happened. I think the next time you and she are alone together, you need to bring up what happened and explain to her that whatever did happen between the two of you was a mistake and should not have happened. Her mental state is probably very fragile if she is going through a tough time in her marriage, and she is probably just looking to find affection anywhere she can get it. Who knows, she might be feeling the same way about this as you do. Its going to be awkward any way you slice it.
Until she is a single woman (if that ever even happens) you need to keep your distance and keep your boundries, and she needs to know that that is your intention from now on. I don't think it will damage her at all. She'll know that you are doing the right thing, and she should respect your decision in that. | |
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| Difficult situation- what should I do?
Posted: 7/8/2008 4:28:56 PM | | If she feels rejected by you because you don't want to get physical, that's HER problem. Period, end of story. You need to decide if a few minutes of "pleasure" is worth sacrificing your value system. I guarantee that your guilt will not make it a pleasure for you, the price is too high. | |
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| Difficult situation- what should I do?
Posted: 7/8/2008 4:36:30 PM | I was in a controlling (and abusive) marriage and found a way out. But it took a lot of help from good friends, counselling, and holding onto my faith for dear life (literally).
Until she is out of that marriage, she is treading on dangerous grounds, for controlling men will make you feel guilty, then grateful they still want to be with you, to spite you for the rest of your days for what you have done. I know because I've been in the receiving end of this.
Tell her that you don't want anything remotely romantic until she is out of her marriage. I would appreciate that if it was my case. In actual fact, having taken some time away from dating or anything has helped me a lot with my healing.
But don't shunt her away because of it. That's where she would feel rejection and, if she hasn't got a strong group of friends who can support her, it will damage her. I also know this from experience.
And, if she takes it the wrong way, it's because she has issues, not because you are wrong. And you have to ask yourself how much do you want to hold out for a woman with issues that will jeopardise your relationship from the word go... | |
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| Difficult situation- what should I do?
Posted: 7/8/2008 5:42:52 PM | | I would tell her that you are off limits as long as she is married and don't be a bit surprised if her sob story is 50% bullsh1t. | |
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| Difficult situation- what should I do?
Posted: 7/8/2008 7:12:20 PM | | You could also make sure that you're not with her in situations where the two of you are alone. I highly doubt she's gonna be making any moves if there are other people around. | |
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| Difficult situation- what should I do?
Posted: 7/11/2008 7:09:59 PM | It's great that you have thought of the morals of the situation and also of her feelings and the possible consequences. It must have been a tempting situation, so it says a lot about you that you showed restraint even if you were helped by an outside force.
I wouldn't say anything to her friends. It's personal to you and her and nothing to do with them.
The kindest thing to say would be something along the lines of really liking her and being attracted to her (assuming this is true?), but that you know she is married and you feel infidelity is wrong. You would prefer not to take advantage of her vulnerable state. I think she can only be impressed at your integrity then. If you truly want a relationship with this woman, then you could tell her that you might consider it if she separated/divorced her husband, but not until - and don't make any promises you won't keep.
Whatever you decide to say, you need to bear in mind that she's mixed up now and even if she was with you for a while she might be looking for comfort at a distressing time rather than actually wanting a genuine relationship with you. You might be the one to get hurt in those circumstances. | |
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| Difficult situation- what should I do?
Posted: 7/12/2008 12:06:02 AM |
If you don't bang her, someone else will
Bahaha...very couth. Haha. I was going to say the same thing but I'll leave it this. | |
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| Difficult situation- what should I do?
Posted: 7/12/2008 12:25:51 AM | What you lack in a relationship you will search out in other people. Your friend isn't emotionally or in a mental state to have any sort of relationship till councelling. Tell her you are there for her emotionally not physically cause damaging relationships tend to pick woman apart making them lose who they really are. If you don't know who you are then how can she know what she truly wants or needs. So with all of that I would say " Our last encounter has shown me that I can't be in a relationship with a married woman it is not who I am, I know you haveing trouble and I am here for you if you need me " then stand by what you say.
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| Difficult situation- what should I do?
Posted: 7/12/2008 12:29:16 AM | | I think you answered your own question dude.... "Maybe after she is sorted out- but not now." That is what I would say to her. | |
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| Difficult situation- what should I do?
Posted: 7/12/2008 1:09:13 AM | | I wouldn't mention it unless she does the same again. Then you need to step away very quickly and say something along the lines of: "If you're not happy about your marriage there are better ways to handle it than this -- you would regret this. Have you considered seeing a marriage counsellor?" Don't allow her to cross the line with you -- probably the marriage needs to end and cheating is one way in which this can be achieved, but it's a terribly painful and destructive way for all concerned and she'd do better to get up the courage to ask for a divorce. | |
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| Difficult situation- what should I do?
Posted: 7/12/2008 1:09:51 AM | Dude, she already damaged, so it's a moot point. The issue here is whether you want to contribute to the damage which heaping on some extra damage to her (still) husband and the kids. All to get your OWN rocks off.
Have at it, Mr. Vader, or do you prefer Darth....??? | |
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| Difficult situation- what should I do?
Posted: 7/14/2008 8:19:59 AM | Face it, she's chosen to be with this man for the rest of her life.
I honestly wouldn't get physically involved.. being straight up and honest is something you can't do when your have sex with someone married. You need to keep a straight up and honest persona if you do want her. don't give into temptation, and good things will come.
I dont think she will necessarily find someone else if you don't bang her... then again I dont know her.
and if you dont want to make her feel rejected tell her straight up. "I'm not rejecting you." and give her a compliment, tell her she's beautiful or something. Just say you don't think it's right, because.. it's not. and she knows it. | |
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